Adventure.

so after that last potty mouth post (thank you, Lyn!), here is what I've concluded...

I am in need of adventure.

a thing I both love and hate about myself (in nearly equal proportions) is that I crave change. and change for me reads like adventure. probably because when I make changes they're not about the color of my socks or hair. they're more like quitting my job and moving provinces. I'm counting on you dear blog reader to be able to recognize the myriad of downsides to this!

when I was a kid my overwhelming desire was to be an acrobat that spun up and down on those long bedsheets, swinging above the crowd with grace and freedom. I later realized the unattractive part of that plan was the traveling with the circus ~ not that many of those people floss. But in my core, even as a small child I identified so strongly with what that represented ~ me doing what others thought of as the impossible, the ridiculous, the daring.

I've been at this place many times before. I've quit many job. They were all tediously boring jobs and even now I can recall the release of those endorphins! Once, in an effort to combat this demon I went back to school and had an almost-so-close-I-could-taste-him affair. But I found out that it wasn't about him.

I recognize this time, accepting myself as the grown-up I've become, now being in my 38th year... is that every time this insatiable need for speed happened... I was BORED and looking for ADVENTURE. And I didn't have the ovaries to call it what it was. This time is different. Even though I'm still bored and technically in the same place ~ figuratively speaking. I'm calling it forth. Calling it what it is. Even though for a bit it masqueraded as other things. Has taken some time to unmask myself (do I have so many I forget which ones are mine?).

But now the beast has been looked in the eye. Frankly we're having a bit of a stare-down via v the mirror. Either way, I win. Right?

Reflecting.

This is the part I find ironic.

When we are young we can't wait to become adults so that we can choose to do what we want to do when we want to do it.

You become an adult. The above rarely happens.

I'm in need of some bad decision making. Just for the hell of it. Just to liven things up a bit. Being a responsible adult is highly overrated.

Today I feel like saying fuck it. A lot. So far I haven't actually fucked-it. Because I am so fucking responsible. Fuck. Truth... I have no idea what I want to fuck. But I still want to. Yes, I am such a complex being. Don't worry about me. My problems are minuscule and primarily self-created.

Question

Is there any opponent more dangerous than our own ego?

Mine apparently wants to battle to the death.

Smile :)

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach the hole and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

The first hunter says "There's an old automobile transmission over here by the bushes, give me a hand and we'll throw it in the hole and see."

So they pick up the old transmission and carry over to the hole and count one, two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, a goat comes crashing through the brush, runs up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jumps in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the heck was going on, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago when a goat came running out of them bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "Why that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

Seasons & Time

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.

~ Ecclesiastics 3 ~

For a bit now, I've been considering taking a year off from work. Thinking about it to the point that it is making me a little mental. One hour I'm "yes, yes, yes, do it" and the next I'm making a list of all the reasons that I can't or should at the very least put it off for one more year.

On the way home today with spring so clearly in the air I couldn't help but consider the seasons. Before all of the modern niceties that we enjoy (you know ~ central heating, indoor plumbing, electricity) peoples lives were cyclical. They were in cadence with the seasons and moon cycles. Man's work fluctuated with the calendar and priority was always on survival.

I'm happy that my life does not revolve around having to meet the bare necessities. However, I do think that we've lost a certain circadian heartbeat with nature. Our bodies still hold the DNA of our forefathers, who would never have been able to accept the lifestyle we now lead. Locking ourselves indoors, in small rooms with self-imposing deadlines for work that is more or less meaningless. How is it that we have collectively agreed to this as our way of life? Even more, how is that we've agreed we should do it 50 weeks out of every year?

Honestly, I've never been that good at holding down a job. I'm restless and have commitment issues.

Teaching is the best job I've ever been privileged to do. And it is important work. For some kids all of their stability is found at school. And the world is in need of teachers that can both clearly teach them the academic things they need AND be a person of great character and compassion. Making them feel loved and appreciated for what they can give back as citizens, regardless of their life circumstances. In my mind, most of the important stuff that happens in our schools have nothing to do with academics. But academics seem to be the glue ~ or maybe it is the other way around. Sometimes I lose myself in the loop.

There are days when I feel like in the cosmic scheme of things, teaching chose me and not the other way around. And, for as much joy as it can bring, it equally tears at your heart and sanity. Most would be surprised at the level of energy required to make a day happen and make it look easy. Sometimes I am so busy giving to my work life that having any other kind of life exhausts me just from thinking about it. Most days it is out of balance ~ as much as I love it and feel made for it, often it is just too much. Causing all the other parts to suffer. Which saddens me.

I still don't know what my final decision will be. The deadline is looming for March 31st. When I came home with Ecclesiastics 3 on my mind, I was comforted by its meditation on time. We need different things from life at different times, and we always have.

~ I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. ~

Welcome to the Isle of Sark

The way I stumbled onto the whole idea of visiting the Channel Islands was from the book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I briefly wrote about it here. Before I even finished reading the book I had already lined up several of my friends telling them they had to read it! Seriously, I shoved it down their throats and said "If you don't read it we will can no longer be friends". It was from the love of this book (and the subject matter of course) that I decided wanting to belong to a book club wasn't good enough any more ~ so I social media'd us up a book club ~ there are things for which facebook is absolutely priceless. :) PS ~ I've yet to hear a bad review on this book, but it is possible these lovely people are a tad bit afraid of me and my evangelical like enthusiasm.

So the whole time I was reading (and falling nostalgically in love with the heroine and countryside) I kept thinking how amazing it would be to visit Guernsey. In fact, I was considering how absolutely fabulous it would be to visit all the places that I fall in love with through a book. What a way to travel the world with no possible chance of losing inspiration (not that I ever would).

Admittedly, when I started thinking in this way I only knew the name of one of the islands. Guernsey. Obviously. There are in fact 4 main islands and few uninhabited ones.

Sark is the smallest. About 3 miles long and half that wide ~ boasting 40km of coastline. Cars are not permitted on the island so people get around by carriage, bicycle or foot. There are about 600 permanent residents. Sark is a self-governing Crown Dependency which interestingly enough means it is not part of the European Union or the United Kingdom.

In the meantime go here: www.sark.info Along the menu bar it says Guide 2010. Check it out! I'm in love. I'm already wondering how I'm going to tear myself away when it is time to leave.

PS ~ I stole this picture off the same website. The quality is terrible but I think you get the idea.

Summer

Well there is still a mountain of planning on the near horizon BUT... my friend and I have decided on a tour of France and the Channel Islands ~ Guernsey and Jersey ~ for this summer's adventure. And now I can't stop smiling.

Life is good. Now to brush up on conjugating those verbs. Oh my! And, um, you know... lose 10 lbs and get super fit.

No pressure.

Let Go

10th Verse

Carrying body and soul,

and embracing the one

can you avoid separation?

Can you let your body become

as supple as a newborn child's?

In the opening and shutting of heaven's gate,

can you play the feminine part?

Can you love your people

and govern your domain

without self-importance?

Giving birth and nourishing;

having, yet not possessing;

working, yet not taking credit;

leading without controlling or dominating.

One who heeds this power

brings the Tao to the very earth.

This is the primal virtue.

~~~~~~~~

"Let go of your identification with your stuff and with your accomplishments. Try instead to enjoy what you do and all that flows into your life simply for the pleasure of doing and observing the flow itself. You literally own nothing and no one: All that is composed will decompose; All that is yours will leave and become someone else's. So step back a bit and allow yourself to be an observer of this world of form. Becoming a detached witness will put you into a state of bliss, while loosening your tight grip on all off your possessions. It is in this releasing process that you'll gain the freedom to live out what the Tao is always teaching by example."

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Commentary on the 10th Verse of the Tao

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

Update

I'm done. The week has ended. A good week, but I must confess that I stretched it out every where I could. What I'm saying is that during the afternoons we did a lot of art (art is good ~ don't get me wrong here) ... interrupted only by impromptu "Gee kiddies, now seems like a great time to go outside!!!" I needed fun to counter all of this body drama I've been experiencing.

The sugar withdrawal is over. Headache has receded. My body is pretty appreciative of the reduced calorie loading. It has felt good to be in this kind of denial. To get that deep in your belly gnawing, like you haven't fed the beast in hours, has soul strengthening effects. Just for the hell of it I've decided to continue on for next week.

Tonight I'm going to fill the tub and languor there until the hot water tank goes cold. Oh to have such decadence at my fingertips!

Work and Play

It is a perfect weather day! So in honor of it, I took my kids (students) sledding. We had such a time! All that could be heard was laughter and the odd shriek ~ big smiles all around. I have to admit, I'm pretty in love with my little class. They're characters and they just plain and simply make me happy!

sweet release

sometimes I just want to curl up inside my blog. lay in the grass beneath that tree on a dark night and watch the stars, finding myself in some far off astral plane. forget the world. and take you with me. make mad love. dance with fireflies.

where there are no limits at all. no complications. and it all just feels like peace and love. no repercussions. no hurt. only immediacy. no future plans. only this moment. only us.

and I could say everything I've ever wanted to say. free flowing honesty. confession. white truth. all these words that bubble inside like a hot spring. and you could do the same. the good and the bad would run from us like a stream collecting snow melt ~ and just maybe we would melt a little too.

and when we were finished... we could wipe the slate clean. or not. and move on. or not. counting the moments till we'd once again meet beneath that tree.

Love

i love it when i feel connected. like a current runs through me, runs through everything. it is always there but you have to seek out the vibration ~ you have to tune into and let it be the pulse that moves you.

it is a pulse you have to want to feel ~ to get there takes some quiet, some solitude.

last night i went to bed feeling it. and woke up with such gratitude in my heart. i listened to my sleep music long into the night and it gave me this serene sense of the world, like i was held in invisible threads, webs strong like kevlar.

even though, in the great scheme of things, i am a small being. in the great scheme of things, I am all things.

"if you want more love, why don't you say so" John Mayer

Raw

"If your everyday life seems poor don't blame it; blame yourself.

Admit to yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches;

because for the creator there is no poverty and no indifferent place."

Rainer Maria Rilke

Yes, yes, I know! I know! ~ She's back on the Rilke bandwagon and you're all cringing in your seats! So this is all I'm going to say (for now)...

Rilke lived from his heart and he had a special gift for seeing the world as it was in all of its glorious confusion and complications. He didn't try to pretty it up or mask what he thought was truth. He lived unapologetically and in some regards beyond the boundaries of himself.

He didn't mind that life was at times raw. He was as content in the pain as in the bliss. The duality of all things did not go amiss on this man.

So live as though there is no indifferent place. And as though we are all beautiful just because we are, because we exist, because we breathe, because our lives are an (at times) incomprehensible journey. And with your whole heart, strive to be the poet calling forth its riches.

City Finds

Thought I would share a few of the goodies I found in the city.

The tree at the back is the Tree of Life. The artist makes these from recycled 45 gallon oil drums. I bought it at the trade show for our conference, it is a piece of fair trade art from Haiti. Once I find the perfect spot for it, I'll re-photograph it so you can see the intricate details, so beautiful!

It looks like there are 4 books here but really there are only three. Push, Wicked and Eat, Pray, Love are all for my book club. I've been wanting to read the latter since it came out but it has just kept getting set on the back burner ~ so happy I now have some peer pressure to help me get it done! Push is the novel that the movie Precious is based on and Wicked is the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz ~ so quite a diverse collection of reading for the next few months.

The book leaning up against the Tree of Life is a leather bound journal I bought for husband for Valentine's. He mentioned that he'd like to have one so he could jot down notes, ideas and plans for the coming year. How could I possibly resist such an opportunity? It is completely decadent and bound in Italian leather, embossed with a fleur d' lea (that's probably spelled wrong but I think you know what I mean). He also informed me that he intends to begin a vision board! In the 20 years we've been together, I can't think of another time that we've experienced such explosive joy and optimism for our future together. It feels pretty damn inspiring!

I don't think the coffee needs any explanation. We are coffee snobs. Enough said.

Those little ear buds are attached to a ... yes that's right, an iPod! I purchased the iPod for a sole reason ~ sleep music. I have such a difficult time settling down at night and this often leads to me getting overtired, and then I'm a bit of a disaster! The CD in the background is called sleepdeeply and is scientifically engineered with delta binaural beats, which entrains the brain to vibrate at about 2 beats per second, mimicking how the brain cycles during deep sleep. I tried it out last night. So far so good.

That beautiful bag is my new laptop snuggly! It is made by Dakine and so completely yummy I could just eat it! The inside is purple fleece. My VAIO told me again just this morning that she has a super crush on her new bag. ;)

Cream, cream and more cream! That tiny little jar is DMAE cream from Derma-E. If you've never used Derma-E products, check them out! They are one of my favorites for sure! The other bottles are organic based brands that I also love ~ alba shampoo and conditioner, Kiss my Face Citrus Lavender moisturizer (oh I wish you could smell it through the screen) and lastly Avalon Organics Lavender hand and body lotion.

I just wanted to share with you my shopping afterglow! What are your favorite things?

5 Elements

A lesson:

~WOOD, FIRE, EARTH, METAL, WATER ~

The theory of the five elements is an ancient philosophy used to describe the physical universe. These five elements have been an integral foundation for centuries in Chinese medicine to show a connectedness between the human body's physiology, pathology and the natural world. They are in constant change and movement with each other.

Wood feeds Fire

Fire create Earth (ash)

Earth bears Metal

Metal carries Water

Water nourishes Wood

Wood parts Earth (roots)

Earth absorbs Water

Water quenches Fire

Fire melts Metal

Metal chops Wood

Wood absorbs Water

Water rusts Metal

Metal breaks up Earth

Earth smothers Fire

Fire burns Wood.

*Wikipedia*

The Easy

Hanging at my sister's in the city for the week. Yesterday husband and I stole away for a few hours to roam the mall and ate at one of my fav restaurants. Got lost in Chapters and bought the next 3 books for book club. Husband decided while walking past a mens clothing store that at that moment he needed do some serious wardrobe upgrade. I found the whole thing to be quite hilarious and had to stifle my giggles through the antics of an overly flirtatious sales person. I guess it worked as he left with a leather jacket! OMG ~ who are you? I'm still smiling inside and out, so it was obviously worth it in the end.

Now, to drink lots of coffee at a very leisurely pace! Later I'll go walking with sis and the babies!

I really hope your day is as good as mine is starting out... but I can't imagine how! :)

Hanging with Ava (my niece)! Fun!

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet

and the winds long to play with your hair.

~ Kahil Gibran ~

Ambiguity

When you KNOW the goal, it is easy to close the gap between you and it.

Suddenly husband and I find ourselves in a position where we've just agree'd on several major steps forward and the means by which we plan to get there. Amazing how the last few months have been so confusing yet out of it clarity has emerged.

We've always had a loose dream for a particular property but hadn't been able to solve to satisfactions those parts that dangled ~ which I guess just meant the timing wasn't right yet. And now suddenly, it is happening. Moving forward with such ease that it is taking on a life of its own.

I find people love to give advice on how to make things work. But life has a special timing for each of us. And really, if things can't proceed with ease, if we constantly find ourselves forcing a flow, such effort is contradictory to the definition of flow. There is nothing wrong with sitting a while with ambiguity ~ it blurs the limits of your mind, expands the possibilities.

Winter Fun

It's been a good solid week. We accomplished a lot and the kids were on board with expectations. When I wanted them to listen, they listened. When I wanted them to talk and move and contribute they managed that with out losing perspective on what they were trying to accomplish. So work wise it was productive with a calm ease. As a teacher, you really can't ask for more than this.

And now... a break. Next week our division is shut down until February 16 while teachers are required to attend a mandatory convention in the city. I'm excited because it means a week with my sister and the babies. And shopping. And movies. And dinner at a few of my favorite restaurants. :) Basically it all equals happy.

Because we won't return to school until after Valentine's we had a low key exchange in the classroom today and a sledding party just for fun. It did us all a world of good to just get outside and have some crazy carpet time! The smiles and laughter echoed. All the fresh air and climbing up and down the hill (sadly it's not that high) have me now feeling like I'm heading into a relaxation coma!

I feel good. Like some peace has settled in this week. Like I can sit with it and enjoy it without rushing it to be done.

Forward

Creating a plan forward is definitely a great way to inject some new energy into your life. For the years we have lived here, the north has been the life we've wanted and actively created. It's an experience that has fulfilled and enriched us both. I've been a part of a very small population that experiences beauty in the frozen landscapes, a moon that pops out of the sky, northern lights that never tire of dancing the night away and solstice days that stretch from early morning to earlier morning.

It is just recently that we've felt a strong pull to explore other things, away from the north.

I do believe that everyone is at all times actively creating the life they have. Today doesn't just randomly appear out of nowhere ~ it is a flow from yesterday into tomorrow. We shape and move in a web of constructs and boundaries we ourselves create. This is life.

I think transitioning sometimes is confusing. Mostly because we put ourselves in position to test boundaries that at one time, we thought were as stretched as we could get. Knowing that you're being called to explore something deeper and perhaps seemingly riskier can bring up a lot of emotions. I'd say those emotions (fears) have been circling and surfacing in me for the last couple of months. And remarkably, as heavy as those feelings have been, today is total peace and acceptance. As though I've just weathered a great storm, and now my heart is full of gratitude that all the things that matter still remain.

Shhh, there are secrets in here.

January has not been the easiest month.

We're putting the house up for sale. I really love this house but I'm fine with it being a memory of a lovely place we lived during our time in the north. And no, I'm not shutting the door to the north completely. I'm blessed with a ridiculously well paying job here and I think to just throw that out would be a careless thing to do. This is just a first step.

I am ready to forward think and put energy into the intentions we have for the future. Having made the decision and talked with the real estate agent has brought some additional clarity. It could take some time for the house to sell, as the market is as slow and saturated here as it is most other places. Our first step is a silent listing. This gives our selling option to only one company to show to pre-screened buyers and keeps a sign off our lawn. Depending on spring markets we may go ahead with a full listing.

Beyond this measure both husband and I have taken some personal steps. In early January I enrolled in a course to learn to trade FOREX. Forex is the world currency market. My course starts on Monday! I'm trying not to put any expectations on it. It is an arena that offers a lot of potential but could take months if not years to learn to successfully navigate. But, I'm looking forward to giving my brain a workout at something new. And fingers crossed, love it and earn a few bucks along the way. :)

Husband loves to build. When we lived in Halifax, he renovated our house and here he has finished the basement and rebuilt the deck (it wasn't to his satisfaction so he tore it off and made it over ~ seriously!) So he has signed up for a timber-framing course. The course takes place in April in the Rocky Mountains. I'm certain he will come back brimming with inspiration. We are both into home design and I expect that the next formidable project may very well be building a house. Exciting to think about.

So in my mind, we are starting to be on our way.

Thankful

I do believe that my husband

is proof that god gives mes gifts

I don't deserve. :)

My New Favorite Book

I found this to be an emotionally difficult week. There is a full moon looming and let's just say that without ever looking at the sky I know whenever we are close to this event happening... because seriously... it affects children! It ups their energy several notches. As the energy increases, listening and good behavior in general decreases! Plus they have no school tomorrow (I do) and we've had a week of indoor recess (yuck, yuck, yuck). So all combined, we're in need of creative outlets. And to take a breath. And chill out. And sit down in our seats. And just shut up for the love of god children!!!!

Dramatics aside (and there were many) a couple of pretty special things also happened. Our grade 3 classes put on a benefit lunch with money being donated to World Vision for their Haiti Relief Fund. We asked for a donation of $3 from students and more if they'd like. We were able to raise just under $500! The best part was that our local grocery store donated all of the food which enabled us to give every kid lunch, even those who didn't donate.

I have to say the effort was worth the reward. Asking for and collecting those grocery donations put me on an incredible high. I was overwhelmed by the generosity. I guess for them it probably wasn't a big deal, but for me it felt like what I had set out to do in the beginning, which was small in scope, had grown into so much more. Should I be surprised? No, that's the way life is ~ everything starts from seed and seeks to increase. It is like the universe finds joy in multiplying. For a time I sincerely felt moved by my own ability to change the world.

Another lovely occurrence was when a colleague passed me a book she thought I would enjoy reading to my kids. She said it fit nicely with our fundraising efforts. Boxes for Katje by Candace Fleming takes place in Holland at the end of WWII. Katje, a young Dutch girl receives a box from an American girl named Rosie via the Children's Aid Society. The box contains a pair of socks, a bar of soap and a chocolate bar that Katje shares with her mother and the the postman. This begins a penpal friendship that results in a whole town collecting food and personal care items for Katje and her neighbors.

There were a number of time that my eyes brimmed with tears while reading this aloud. And the whole class sat completely motionless, absorbing the story. I've read a good share of children's literature, and I'm constantly amazed at the quality of this genre. This one I have to put at the top of the pile. Go to your library or bookstore and read it! If you know someone who survived the war, buy them a copy. For all the 8 and 9 year olds in your life, make this a part of the next gift you buy them and give yourself the pleasure of reading it to them. And then hug them really tight.

Simplicity

Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. ~ Einstein

Code

Taught my kids a fun secret code (from The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown) on Friday and then gave them this morning's message in code. They have been very busy writing and deciphering cryptic messages! Great fun! Being 8 totally rocks.

Field goals.

It is a lazy, windy, cold and overcast Sunday. We ventured as far as our favorite breakfast spot and then made a quick in and out to the grocery store for lasagna ingredients. Otherwise, I'm considering myself housebound for the day. I'm tired and the urge to nap is overwhelming, there is a good chance it will win in the end.

Thankfully I'm back to regular sleep habits. Now my body wants to catch up! A friend/colleague asked me if I was taking any vitamin B ~ which of course I wasn't. So about two weeks ago I started adding that into my daily regimen. The kind I bought was Webber Naturals B~Calm B50 Complex with Sensoril. Living here, there is a limited choice in this sort of thing (only a drug store and a grocery store to choose from) and I chose this brand because it came in capsule form as opposed to tablet. I have to concede that it has done wonders to bring the nervous energy under control, although it took a week before I saw any appreciable difference. A secondary benefit has been a boost in libido! I Googled it to see if I was crazy ... ladies think about adding this to your supplement arsenal! ;)

The husband and I spent a long time talking over coffee this morning. Love these days. He's been reading Dyer again. Good things always come out of him reading Dyer. I think it is because it puts us on the same page in our thoughts and helps us focus in on what we are trying to achieve. I'm not sure about you, but life for me so easily distracts. Full time jobs (even when highly satisfying) can steal away valuable hours that might be better spent by doing something for your future self. So moments like these are important to take full advantage of and zero in on how to move your thoughts into full blown reality.

I don't want to leave the impression that life isn't good. In fact, I think my life has never been better. What I now realize is that I am just beginning to scratch the surface of the kind of life that is possible and that my primary motivations have always been to experience as much as I can as fully as I can. And they don't all have to be pleasure filled ~ I want the gamete.

Do you think there is a difference between goals and goalposts? I've never been great at setting concrete goals. Mostly because I want life to intervene. I don't want my ideas to be so structured that there isn't room for the random good stuff to make its way into the mix. I WANT the kindness of strangers to a part of the flow. With goalposts, at least there is direction. Some would argue that isn't good enough. But, I'm not some and the more I reflect on this point, the more I recognize that it is good enough for me. In my heart I want to live with the ambiguity and given that it is such a deep seated part of my personality, it is what I'm going to naturally attract anyway ~ it would require such an enormous amount of energy to change this about myself that it seems counter-intuitive to even try.

So what are the goal posts I'm shooting for? Well, I have a few things clearly in mind. The first is a piece of property near and dear to my heart that we hope to purchase in the next 6 months. Our plans for this are yet to reveal themselves. But that's okay. It will come. I once was told that when you buy a house you should live in it for 6 months without doing anything to it ~ no paining, no artwork. And, over the course of living and getting to know your new surroundings, the house will speak silently and let you know what it wants. When we bought our second house, I did exactly that. It was astounding all the secret things the house gave up to me! I'd like to see this future property treated the same way. I believe in the rightness of intuition.

The second thing I'm working on is trying to figure a way to earn a living without being tied to a job. I have mixed feelings because I truly love the work I am currently doing. Teaching grade 3 is a joy I'm not quite through with. Also, there are many factors in play right now that make my work so good ~ the grade 3 teaching team (5 of us in total) is a well oiled machine, my administrators give me room to do my job and be creative, AND the group of kids I'm teaching at the present moment (and their parents) make the day to day stuff feel both fun and purposeful. It is ideal. BUT, I've enough experience to know that all of these factors aren't always in play all of the time ~ so I'm appreciating fully this gift that I've been given!

Teaching though is the second love of my life, something I have learned to love. Writing is the first. Soon, I want to create a block of time and space to explore just what I am capable of creating with the written word. I know for certain that I don't want to write for other people (free-lancing). If that were my only outlet, I believe I'd be much more fulfilled keeping my day job. Still, the thing I always come back to is writing. So I want to honor this and give it life beyond this blog.

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep putting it out there ~ into the aether. Let it come to me as it is ready to find expression.

So what about you? Where do you find yourself on the scale of directing your life? Are you wandering the desert looking for the promised land? Or are you there making dreams come true? Seriously, I want to know...

Namaste.

The Rear-View Mirror

(yes, I know that I shouldn't be blogging right now as there are other more pressing matters, but anyway...)

A conversation I had earlier today sparked some thoughts on hind-sight. This person related to me how they felt that God has been preparing them for the last 20 years to be with the love of their life (which of course they have now met). And when she now looks back over the men and failed/incomplete relationships as well as her own spiritual journeying to this point ~ she can perfectly connect the dots of how this whole coming about has been led (her words) by the hand of God.

For some reason I attract these types of exchanges from people.

Now bear with me cause I'm about to go in a seemingly different direction. Earlier this week I was listening to a podcast regarding the use of technical indicators for predicting profit in Forex (Foreign Currency Exchange Market). The author was offering a proof for why some experts believe in the use of these indicators - which rely on a series of intercepting lines which represent profit. If you trace the lines backward in history, it is obvious where they cross as is the value of profit that could have been taken had a trade been made. Basically, in hind-sight, a trader is able to objectively see history taking shape. The problem... when one uses technical indicators to predict the future, things are a little more elusive - all the indicators in the world can point to a future event happening and YET said event may never take place. Lines you thought were destined to cross never do. In short, the past is certain - the future is NOT.

I couldn't help but think how this also applies to relationships. It is easy to look back over the years and quantify the ebb and flow of people and places. We wear the impact of intersecting lines. But we also take a LOT of artistic liberty in the way we draw those lines and the importance we place on them.

The saying "if it's not one thing it's another" applies here. Life is a spiritual journey, regardless of who or what you ascribe god to be. And this spiritual journeying is meant to challenge and change us, offering a smorg of opportunity for intersecting lines. It is always preparing us for what comes next, to enjoy, appreciate, learn from whatever might be around the corner ~ be that the love of our life or the solitude of aloneness. If it's not one thing, it will be another. Regardless, it has the potential to be the next best thing.

The rear-view mirror is the meaning we assign to our past. Yes, it teaches us all... but ultimately WE are the ones connecting and assigning value to converging paths. Free will is the gift of a creative soul.

(admittedly it is late and in the morning none of might make any sense). In the mean-time live your life as though it all matters and if you do believe in the guiding hand of god, it is there only to embolden you to achieve beyond what you think your natural talents are.

checking in

hello my friends. thought I would just drop you a quick note to say that 'all is well' and my nights are once again filled with restful dreaming. thank goodness!

I am however... busy busy busy. and really, all I want to do is blog BUT it is report card time; so my days are overflowing with assessment and note-taking for upcoming interviews.

So stay well and I'll be back as quick as I can! much love.

White.

"There is neither heaven nor earth, only snow falling incessantly." Unknown

The world was white today. The air saturated with ice crystals, as were the trees and lamp-posts and buildings. Everywhere I looked begged me to take a picture. The whole thing was ethereal and I think I needed a touch of that today.

Putting the I in Insomnia

Lately, it seems impossible to sleep. I've hesitated to blog about it but at this point I figure that there isn't much to lose in doing so. Some part of me has called this beast into existence, to what end... I have NO idea!

All I do know is that right at this time, I'm finding the north very difficult. This year, unlike any before, I feel as though I can't find my way out of the darkness. For weeks now, I've endured cold temperatures too penetrating to venture outside and have been going back and forth to work pre and post the sun. Usually by this point in January there is a visible difference to the length of day but it has been overcast and snowing since the weekend. Crossing my fingers that the prediction for softening weather holds true and we get some reprieve in the coming days.

Tonight I decided that there is a something that I'm not letting go of, can't seem to set aside. But it's not yet ready to show me what it is. Hmmm, is it so BIG that it needs both my body and mind shaking from fatigue before it dares to reveal? Or, is it one of those right before your eyes obvious kind of things that is waiting for me to stumble over it at 3am in a convulsion of weariness and lethargy?

One thing I strive to do is love my life even when it's not warm and fuzzy. Even when it hurts a little bit and getting out of bed seems like the impossible task of the day. Because when you look back, these kinds of moments are the defining ones. They're the ones that help you figure out what you really want in life. And they don't last forever. Each one of us can remember a time when it felt like it would never end, that we'd never make it through, that things would never get better... And not long afterward, although you carry the feeling from it, you never seem to regret having endured.

At some point in my future life I will sleep again!

And if the answer comes I'll let you know...

In the meantime, may all of the blessings of the universe be falling on you as gently and as beautifully as the snow outside my window.

Namaste.

Memory

(When I don't quite know what to do with the swirling thoughts, I write. The ways words fit and form, how you can stretch and shrink and metaphor them together in puzzle pieces. . . they open you up, make you more than you thought you could be.)

As a kid I grew up on the banks of a charming river. It literally runs through my parents back yard (and figuratively through me). The mere thought of it teleports me to hot summer days and long nights watching fly fishermen ~ my dad and grandfather among them ~ the gurgling and slapping of water as it moves over rocks and along the shore ~ men casting their lines in shadows of pink and crimson until darkness overtook us all.

When everyone had made their way back to the house then I would slip out to watch the the stars. The dew clinging to my legs and arms, finally cooling me against the heat of the day. I was just as pleased to be there on my own as I was to have my friends join me. Staring. Mesmerized by a million diamonds. Thinking that this web of existence must have no beginning and no end.

If you really take the time to look at the stars, the sky becomes a sea of light, pinhole by pinhole. At first it is mostly planets and satellites that shine the brightest. But soon, as your eyes adjust, it's a symphony of music that binds the past and the future. Funny how we think that the night obscures the day but really the day obscures the universe.

It is possible that these words I'm putting out into this night were formed then. Sometimes the light takes a while to reach us ~ light years in fact. But it is on its way. Words help me solidify these truths. Brings my heart back in line when it wanders on dark winter nights.

Namaste.

i can't sleep. and i'm so tired i might even throw up. it is 2:49 am. help.

Down Dog

It has been a while since I practiced yoga regularly. Which is my loss for sure. In the last week I've taken the time to have some quiet meditation time, but admittedly mediation following yoga surpasses just meditation on its own. Probably because the exercise and breathing grounds you, not to mention fatigues your muscles so that they relax more fully during meditation.

I love down dog. The way it makes me stretch and move. And causes my head to feel like a bowling ball and not a brain at all. Just a big heavy mass of bone being pulled down by gravity. And for a few breaths it positions your heart above the grey matter. The heart becomes the dominate defender. A beautiful thing.

What's your preferred pose?

Namaste.

Quiet hum

I'm whispering as I blog these thoughts. Trying to connect quietly, without being seen. Seems like words have been spilling out of me and I can't quite manage to contain them. I'd kinda of like to, all this verbiage is making me feel like I should stuff big white tube socks in my mouth ~ as though what I say will be used against me. Do you ever feel that way?

Last night we had this lovely little dreamy time, curled up together, being exactly what we used to be and wished we could always manage to hold on to. Whispering and laughing and being joyful just for the sake of it. And I've felt tender all day because of it. As though I might possibly be the most loved person... Do you ever feel that way?

When I say beautiful things, I'm not necessarily living them;

when I live them, the beautiful thing is that words aren't necessary.

Brock Tully

a moment

we are all, always on the verge. hang in there. be the love even when... this is what makes life worth the journey.

Space Time Continuum.

Bear with me. For lack of better descriptors, I've entered some treky like energy confluence field. I could be here for a while. Navigating. Observing.

It's AWESOME.

ReVolutions

Honestly, up until 3 days ago when one of my blog friends commented that it was the beginning of a new decade, I hadn't given that a single thought! Ten years ago I think we were all so focused on Y2K and the impending doom of the internet frying hour by hour as midnight ushered in around the world, that we could think of nothing but the fact that it wasn't just an ordinary marking of our revolutions around the sun. So suddenly... I've been thinking about the new decade thing... and where the next 10 years will take me.

I feel like my family falls loosely in the category of gypsies.

So as gypsy like beings, we've always depended on the kindness of strangers to change our lives. Living in a thick soup of serendipity. Which is not a bad way to live. In fact, I think it teaches you to live open to the universe and be blessed constantly by unexpected things.

But it does lead to drifting.

And no actual planning.

And being at the mercy of someone else's goals.

However, in the last few years, I've learned that the serendipitous soup in which we find ourselves can in deed be directed, ingredients altered, personal goals realized. I suppose, my own religion has become the law of attraction. I don't think I've ever stated it emphatically here, but it is as true for me as it is a cliche. But not to worry, you will find no hard sales pitches or sermons to make you a believer.

The thing about the world is that the matter that exists currently is the same amount that has always existed (ok, some scientist out there could argue the finer points of this generalization, but whatever!). All the things that make up this house I live in and this computer I am tapping away at, and everything I taste, touch, see and smell during the course of any given day, have all come from this earth. Everything existed from the beginning. Even when we had yet to discover or label it, it existed. We breathed air long before we even knew we were breathing ~ or that breathing was significant in anyway!

So is the law of attraction. I like to think of the world around me as holding infinitely rich resources. Some of them I can see and already know how to put to work. Most of them currently remain hidden. BUT, they still exist, have ALWAYS EXISTED and are waiting for me to call them forth in someway and use them. They WAIT for me. My everyday choices and attitudes dictate the hidden things that I am able to unmask. You get to choose your own spiral of reality.

Ten years from now, my life will be different in many ways. Good ways. I will have another decade of living under my belt and will have seen the world many times over.

I'm always mindful that I'm revolving the sun. Funny how that never leaves me. And I'm not going to waste those turns. rEVOLUTION is for us all. I have great FAITH in whatever it may be that I'm going to call forth from the hidden veil. And, there will be NO REGRETS.

Goals

Yesterday was a hard day. Do you ever have those? Where you are discontent with EVERYTHING? There is NOTHING that makes you happy or will appease in any way. Even more FRUSTRATING is that you're TRYING to get it right! But try as you might, it feels like you are crawling out of your very own skin in an effort to make it different, palatable. I give myself an A+ on a stellar performance at pissing off and alienating my family. I really should have been nominated, given the authenticity of my role around this place.

The fiasco and confusion of my own emotion culminated in an argument with someone close to me. I literally wanted to rip them limb from limb and then shake the pieces that remained. I didn't yell or scream ~ but oh, god, how I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to release every last shred of the violence and hate channeling through my body by some nameless/faceless hormonal super ex-girlfriend like beast. It was an incredible full-throttle voltage energy.

A bit ago, I blogged about words that spill like milk. How it never gets put back in the cup quite the same way. Those words were not easy to contain yesterday. I do believe on two different occasions that I caught them mid-air and pushed them back, choking them down as they scratched their way into my belly, all jagged and edgy. Last night I wondered if that is what it feels like to be possessed?

In the end I drank a gallon of Cellfood and took lots of vitamin D, seeking to fortify myself and thinking the cold and lack of outdoor air might possibly own some responsibility. I then, speedily became a 'get things done around this place' machine and worked myself to exhaustion. By 9pm I'd recovered to the point that I could look in the mirror and see something other than the devil. Not entirely sure my family is there yet.

So where did all of this come from? I'm now in the 4th year of living in the north. Truth, I have loved the adventure. But something in me seemed to switch at the beginning of December, and right at the moment there is not so much adventure as there had been. Over the last few days there has been so much buzz about goals and achievement ~ and I believe in all of those things, but they seem to be streaming at me faster (like those green alphanumbers in the matrix) than I can process. Overwhelming. Making me crazy.

And the thing is, I know what I want. I know the goal. And I'm trying to be so unlike me and wait for optimal conditions. To not fuck-it-up, because I've never been so great at timing. But then again, timing is all about our ultimate destiny... don't you think...

Outta MY Way!

Feeling restless. Thinking about the year to come. Opening up the jar marked desires. Do I have the courage?

Yes, yes... I believe I do.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. Anais Nin

Retrospective

New Year's day ~ now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual! Mark Twain.

I'm feeling a great sense of calm as 2010 nears its entry into all of our lives. It's ushering itself in on the heels of what a has been a meritable past 365 days. There is so much to be thankful for, that I thought I would turn this post into a gratitude list.

1. So much blue sky and sunshine all year round. I always thought living on coastal BC was the ultimate when it came to scenery and outdoor adventure, but I must confess that this big Alberta sky has stamped itself on my heart. Never would have believed that I'd trade mountains for canola fields. It feels like the world is wide open both above me and before me. There is so much room to breathe! I'm grateful to be starting a new year with this feeling in my heart.

2. Rilke wrote in his Letters to a Young Poet to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and books in foreign languages. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the questions. Gradually, without even noticing it, some distant day you will find yourself experiencing the answers. This year became that distant day in many regards... I've learned to live with congruence of the inside on the outside. And, because of this, there has been more balance and an authentic spirit that seeks increasingly creative expression. Many of the things that tore at my mind and heart (like God and religion) have dissipated and lost their power and influence. I am so thankful that I can live a truth that is mine ~ no need to tear down or take apart another's truth so that mine can be justified. I'm grateful for the answers that have come and also for the questions that remain. I'm grateful for both the tangible and intangible opportunities my life gives me, so that I can grow and be joyful.

3. This year I started a book club with some pretty remarkable women. I'm grateful for how humbled I feel to be a part of their lives in this way and to share books and ideas with such intelligent females. Our first book was The Book of Negroes (also published as Someone Knows My Name in the US) by Lawrence Hill. This read made me thankful for the small and simple things we take for granted in life and that to whom much is given, much should be required. In comparison, our lives are so easy and we require so little of ourselves that we should be ashamed.

4. When I go to the grocery store, I can buy anything I want there. This is a luxury that countless people the world over would trade for. I am grateful that I have been blessed with a life of abundance and prosperity (even though I think those 2 words are ridiculously over used).

5. I am grateful for the clarity and insight I have as I observe my own life ~ I am indeed the manifestor of my own destiny. I love the challenges of life, they are the exciting part! Sometimes put in the way as obstacles to showcase our skill.

6. Travel is one of my favorite things. At Easter we made a trip to Vegas (where we met up with old friends, ate exciting cuisine and shopped in decadent stores). In the summer, I went back east to visit my family (as I do every year) and then flew the coupe to Rome for a week of slow travel. Slow Traveling is by far my favorite way to experience any place, I don't need more hectic in my life, I want the time to count, to feel languid and long. I'm grateful that my life is overflowing with opportunity right now, it is so easy to make things happen. I welcome (with arms stretched open) more of this.

7. On the work front, I signed a continuing contract and got a hefty wage increase AND the mill my husband works for resolved their contract negotiations just days before Christmas!!! Such welcome news for our community. I'm thankful for being in this flow, as it makes fulfilling the life I want that much easier. This year I've had HUGE breakthroughs with my relationship and attitude toward money. Money is a tool that allows us to increase the boundaries of our lives ~ if you don't recognize this, you too might need a breakthrough! I'm grateful to be in this financial place at this time in my life.

Really, the things I am grateful for are too innumerable to write them all down. I'm living from a place of genuine thanksgiving in my heart. When you can be thankful for the difficult stuff, you're on to something. Namaste, my friends. I wish for us all great blessings in the days to come.

Life is change.

The survival of the fittest is the ageless law of nature. But the fittest are rarely the strong. The fittest are those endowed with the qualifications for adaptation, the ability to accept the inevitable and conform to the unavoidable, to harmonize with existing or changing conditions. Unknown.

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer. Albert Camus

Frost is the most sophisticated of poets. Peter Davison

~~~~

If your everyday life seems poor; don't blame it, blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is no poverty and no indifferent place.

Rainer Maria Rilke

PS ~ I took these photos while enjoying a vigorous winter walk, exploring the many trails in Stony Plain, Alberta.

Reverie

Some days it is difficult to reconcile all that I want from life. Today is just such a day. Don't take my reverie for discontent ~ there is no such thing as discontent, there is only what you have chosen and how you desire to make your way in the world.

Extraordinary and Eternal

The thing that made me fall madly in love with Rilke in the first place was this:

Winning does not tempt that man. This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively by constantly greater beings.

And also:

What we choose to fight is so tiny! What fights us is so great! If only we would let ourselves be dominated as things do by some immense storm, we would become strong too, and not need names. When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small. What is extraordinary and eternal does not want to be bent by us.

*

It is natural to go through life experiencing peaks and troughs. In fact, it is the natural order of the world. We ebb and flow. Ebb and flow. Always somewhere in the continum of flux. It is how we grow, the way we move in this ocean of the living.

*

And I think that Rilke is all about how to move in the flux. Winning does not temp the man. If only we would let ourselves be dominated as things do by some immense storm. Perhaps what we are all in need of is a great trouncing! By something so extraordinary and eternal that we would forever be marked and changed by the experience. Thrown to and fro until we learn to cling and at the same time let go. Be taken right to the edge, so that in the face of every ounce of fear that has ever considered living inside of us... we could stand with a bold and courageous heart against the small things that make us small.

The Best Gift EVER!

Last night while watching some tv, I randomly decided to check my work email. This is what was awaiting me in my inbox...


Hi , Mrs.Beal

I just wanted to write to you and tell you how much I like you and how much stuff I love to do with you just make the fun games and activity and it is nice to be in grade three with and to be in you class your just so much fun you rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mrs.Beal

(Student Name)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas to me! That is what I have to say about this little note! Life is full of such delicious sweetness. And yes, it made me cry.

Names

So far, in this life, I've encountered some remarkable people. A few I've seemingly know forever and others have passed in and out. The best, are the ones that never leave me. Their spirit hangs around and continues to influence my ideas and outlook, all the while they have no inkling! Makes me wonder if I have ever been that to another? I suppose we are all that to someone but there are those individuals that are unforgettable, and even when they're gone, they're not.

This past summer I reconnected with a person that had been pretty remarkable to me, once upon a time. And, I doubt they ever knew the influence their life, though on a different and parallel course, had on mine. But I always had an awareness of their circle of influence. Perhaps in part, it is the way that such people help you to see yourself that makes them appear so damn exceptional.

For me at that time, I was just a girl. I had no idea how to be the person life was calling forth, yet. Oh there were lots of ideas forming and feelings seemed to rule my world ~ but I was still a longing, even to myself. There are no regrets on my part because I did the best with what I had at the time. So I have come to accept that I was enough, even though I spent years wondering. It was enough. It is always enough, every time, regardless of the circumstance. Loving who we are calls into acceptance those bits that are difficult to look at in the mirror. To see them as beautiful when we'd prefer to give them other names.

There are so many possibilities in the world. And today I am feeling a little overwhelmed by them. It has to be the weather. Too many restless days inside, the tick-tock clock has slowed to a less frenzied race that marks our days and hours. Makes me crave other things. Question what is right in front of me. And so I wonder and wonder and dream of wandering and wandering.

Perhaps that is why I cannot get enough of Rilke these days.

You Who Never Arrived

You who never arrived  in my arms, 
Beloved, who were lost
from the start,  I don't even know what songs  
would please you. I have given up trying  
to recognize you in the surging wave of  
the next moment. All the immense  
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,  
cities, towers, and bridges, and un- suspected turns in the path,  
and those powerful lands that were once  
pulsing with the life of the gods-- 
all rise within me to mean  you, who forever elude me.   

You, Beloved, who are all  
the gardens I have ever gazed at, 
longing. An open window  
in a country house-- , and you almost  
stepped out, pensive, to meet me. 
Streets that I chanced upon,--  
you had just walked down them and vanished.  
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors  
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back 
 my too-sudden image. Who knows? Perhaps the same  
bird echoed through both of us  
yesterday, separate, in the evening... 
Rainer Maria Rilke

My Man Rilke and an Energy Drink

Ok. So I'm not pro the energy drinks even though I feel as if I've shotgunned a couple! It has been a most amazing day! Wrought with a myriad of dramas, but trumping them all... my sister brought a beautiful new baby girl into the world today at about 4pm mountain time. This has been a very special pregnancy that I have been a sharer in since the moment those two blue lines appeared on the stick. :) Also, I've had to keep the news of a "girl" under wraps, as baby daddy wanted a surprise.

The rawness of my emotions caught me a little off guard. I could hear Sadie cooing in the background and Andrea's voice sounded like she'd just come from a hockey game where her team won but only because she single-handedly screamed them to victory! Our new girl is named after my great-grandmother, Sarah Adelaide and shall be Sadie for short. I love it, Sadie seems like a perfect blending of then and now, our past ~ her future.

And thinking of the past, my grandmother, Zona was very near in spirit to me today. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I meant to ask Andrea if she had felt it too, or if it was just me. Regardless, my memories of her very feisty self kept me company and gave me comfort. Up until this year when I started tracing my family tree, I'd never really considered what it means to not know where you come from. I'm happy that in this life I've not had that burden ~ of not knowing who your family is, where your roots grow deep in the soil. Mine grow down and under the Miramichi river in too many places to count. It is a joyful knowing on a cold winters day. Even when I'm far from home.

(Thankfully this blogging is starting to level off the energizer bunny effect!)

And last but not least my beloved Rilke. I'm drawn in. I can't help it. I've learn so much from him, from the words he left behind. That I have found those words and made them part of the fabric of this life brings me immense joy. And joy is deeper and different than happiness, it is not temporal, does not evaporate through the rough spots and holds its own when the world has on rose colored glasses.

“...perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.” Rainer Maria Rilke

I've been privileged today to hold my own family tight and share their love. I hope you've been blessed to do the same. Namaste.