Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Up against

I had an interview last night. More than likely directly related to my vulnerable exposee last evening. I will admit it, I DO NOT LIKE to be INTERVIEWED! I'm not sure why, but for some reason I become a shell of myself, I'm nervous and fidgitity and then I get into a vicious circle of self-hate for being nerveous and fidgity. It doesn't help that I've had less interviews than I can count on one hand, so practice has been limited.

You see, my job experience has been that people who know me think of me for certain jobs and have just outright asked if I would be interested. Obviously in a new environ people don't just magically know you, so one must be rely on the interview. Ugggg.

Well despite the above, they called this morning and offered me the job. Said they were impressed. At this point I held the phone away from my head and eyed it suspiciously. I wonder if perhaps I just feel twitchy inside and somehow manage to jedi mind trick my audience. Bizarre.

So now the question is... do I take the job? The position is for a home/school child advocate. I am told it is demanding and difficult and requires home visits. Does this mean that it could be dangerous? There is certainly a lot of known abuse, both physical and substance, among the families I would be working with. Am I ready to see this face of the world? Can I live with how it might change me?

I have the next 24 hours to reflect.

To love is to recognize yourself in another. The longing for love that is in every child is the longing to be recognized, not on the level of form, but on the level of Being. E. Tolle

Monday, September 25, 2006

do you ever wonder what it is that the world wants of you? is it ambiguous only to me? do you have answers to the questions that keep me up til the witching hour?

i'm feeling vulnerable, i guess that much is obvious. i would tell you why, if only i knew. thankfully these moments are fleeting and temporary. tomorrow i will be strong again. but for now i plan to just be with this moment, in all of its desolate beauty.

Human alone is never enough, no matter how hard you try or what you achieve. Then there is Being. It is found in the still, alert presence of Consciouness itself, the Consciousness that you are. Human is form. Being is formless. Human and Being are not separate but interwoven. E.Tolle