Friday, April 27, 2007

There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of the heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.

Look within.
Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

When to close the door and when to open it back up?

A very pleasant day. The sun is shining and the ground is drying out at a speedy rate. One thing about living so far north is that once winter ends, a combination spring/summer is ushered in quickly! Already we are getting daylight from 6am til 10pm and the temperatures have been holding steady at +15C most days.

I had a rough evening last night. I was overwhelmed by all of the possible changes to take place. To my embarrassment I played the 'what if' game and made myself quite miserable indeed. I worried about husband getting / not getting the job. He is working a ridiculous amount of hours these days plus he is studying for a professional exam in his spare time, so between the two, he's a ghost in this house. Our weekend trip away made me realize that the bulk of problems we've been having have been a result of disconnect and not having time together. I am not so naive to think that a new job will rectify this but regardless something must give. So I played the what if game over that too.

And one other small problem I've been having since coming back from the Island. Babies. I was certain that decision was completely behind me. However two of my friends there, both of whom recently turned 40, are pregnant, and glowing! And teaching primary school hasn't helped either. The funny part is that I always swore that if I did have children I would only want boys but now I can't stop thinking how sweet it would be to have a little girl. It just might be those damn little kindergarten kids doing this to me. They're all so lovely and tug at my heartstrings with batty eyelashes and crocodile tears.

Only time will have all of the answers.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I love houses! I've been in love with the above for a bit now. No, it is not the house I currently live in.


Today is a milestone birthday for me. I'm 35. And I just might be the most content I've ever been in my life thus far. Nothing is perfect and that is the charm of it all.

I have found ME. Stripped down. A few pounds heavier. A bit wrinkled around the eyes. But all me. A very sweet place to move forward from, indeed!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

"If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will only look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere.

Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."

tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A Brief History of Life (my Life that is)

I woke up this morning thinking about chaos theory. I love this idea, that in all randomness and seemingly chaotic and unrelated behavior there exists order. I first learned of this theory from a university roommate (a male engineering student who arrogantly assumed that my little "training to be a teacher brain" could not possibly comprehend such a deep school of thought. As I recall he would also refer to himself as stellar this and stellar that. However he did share his love of Lyle Lovett music for which I am forever grateful.).

So this weekend got me thinking on chaos and how our lives unfold. We went to visit our friends Rod & Jullie in Comox BC. Rod & Jullie were the first couple we met when we moved to Vancouver Island in 1994. To this day, despite rarely seeing them over the past five years, they remain the kind of friends for which time apart has no bearing on our relationship. Spending time with them makes me realize how incredibly blessed we have been to share our lives with smart, caring and conscious people.

When we moved away from the Island in '02, Jeremy got work with a water utility in Halifax as a Watershed Manager, taking care of all forested lands surrounding the water supply. This was more or less a political position that involved a lot of PR. Last year he left the water company to take on a Divisional Forester position with a large forestry company here in Alberta. Part of the reason we agreed to come to Alberta was to be that much closer to the Island and be able to take weekend trips such as we just did. I'm not telling you all this to impress you (Jeremy is a pretty humble guy) but to tell you that the choices above came out of seemingly random but seized opportunity.

Rewind to the past weekend and Saturday night. We were together with our friends (many of them) for dinner. A lot of company restructuring has taken place over the past five years on the west coast and people who all used to work for the same company now work for several different companies. Personally, I'm glad we missed all of that shuffling as it was a time of great uncertainty and stress. But the dust has now settled and Jeremy was approached by a friend to apply for a position for which his current work and watershed work would be huge assets. Coincidentally, the two people he has consistently used as reference on his resume over the last ten years are in the hiring seats. The position actually just closed on Monday but special allowance has been made for him to apply late.

A part of me is as giddy as a school girl. Mostly because I thrive on change and also because the choices made in recent years seem to have been validated - they actually were leading us somewhere. And even if that somewhere brings us full circle, we learned things about ourselves and life that I am convinced we could not have learned on any other loop.

Of course I do not know the future and therefore do not know how this is all going to come out in the wash. We have all witnessed a sure thing head south (without us). But I do know that Jeremy and I were able to reconnect this weekend and it felt like the way it used to feel. And that was sweet. And we do love the Island.

Don't worry... I will keep you updated.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I'm back. Too tired to post right now but did have fabulous time visiting with old friends.

I LOVE the West Coast. It is awesome.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Quick Trip

Off for the weekend to the West Coast. Will report back on Monday, complete with pics.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Art of Letting Go

This winter I have been taking a Pilate's class two times a week. Each session is a full 60 minutes long with a level of intensity I would place in the bulldog hard category! It is punishing and about 15 minutes too long in my estimation. This is not to say that it hasn't been without benefit. My arms and core muscles (although still nicely insulated by a soft squishy layer) have tightened and firmed. I've also met some nice people and gained some confidence by getting back on the bicycle, so to speak.

For several years now I have been taking yoga classes. I love Yoga. Of all the forms of exercise, Yoga and walking are my front runners. Pilate's and Yoga share may common elements and movements yet are two distinct disciplines. Very distinct, as I have recently learned.

Most nights after returning home from Pilate's, I felt empty, tired and sore. I did not look forward to actually going to the classes but did always feel good for at least the two days following the workout. I even gave some consideration to signing up for the spring sessions, but have since reconsidered.

Part of my reasoning for not rejoining at this time is that I have met a wonderful and caring Yoga teacher. Christine and I have kindred spirits and she approaches the practice with an intention and awareness I have not previously experienced with any other teacher.

I do believe that the beauty of Yoga exists in the deep connection that is made between the mind, the body and a collective spirit. The breath leads us on this journey, opening and extending our known boundaries of the three. It is a case of 'more than the sum of the parts'. Yoga, especially when lead by a teacher seeking the truth of who they are, goes far beyond physical exercise, so much so that the physicality is no longer even the point.

No doubt about it, Pilate's pushed my body to its physical limit. But something about it made me feel as though I had been robbed, that I wasn't good enough and that next time I should try harder. In Yoga, my breath is my focus, my mind is at ease and so is my body. I have experienced and maintained difficult poses and vinyasa by finding the beauty of the movement through the beauty of deep and soulful inhale and exhale. Also, I have found contentment and acceptance in not pushing my boundary (even backing off !) and allowing the pose to find its own rhythm. Generally, when I stop tyring so hard and rather focus my intent on releasing any tension and ego surrounding the movement, this release takes me far beyond the trying and into a deeper connect. I marvel at this over and over again.

I have found that this principle can be applied to daily living. My life takes on an ease when I thoughtfully practice the art of letting go. When I imagine myself soft and pliable I seem to glide through without getting caught up on so many small things. I also find that because I have purposefully given my physical and emotional self permission to accept things I cannot change, the things that I can change become much more meaningful and personal.

My desire for all of us, is that we can find our own space to practice and let go.


Take my yoke on you and become like me, for I am gentle and without pride, and you will have rest for your souls; For my yoke is good, and the weight I take up is not hard.
~Matthew 11:29,30~

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Northern Lights and Space Exploration

I woke early this morning. And rather than stay in bed and drift back off, I got up, made some tea and caught the most spectacular no-longer-full moon hanging just above the neighboring houses. Living here in the far reaching northern climes (about 58 1/2 degrees of latitude), dusk and dawn have become my favorite times of day. Although the big Alberta sky reaches on forever, there is something particularly palatable to me about the refraction of light witnessed here, living on the top of the world.

A couple of nights ago, my insomnia was rewarded with a sky filled with shimmering northern lights. I notice that they often arc like rainbows across the sky, directly above my backyard. They change quickly - always evolving in dynamic striations. I find them mesmerizing and have endured -30 (yes Celsius) temps to enjoy them perform. It fascinates me that while most of this town sleeps, right above our heads an electrifying dance of cosmic particles plays out repeatedly, ab libbing a story retold from long before an audience came to appreciate the effort.

I sometimes wonder if people were more content in their lives before technology and science broke down the magic of so much beauty in life - like rainbows and the earth NOT being the centre of the universe? But then again, man has always had to contend with himself (I'm going to leave this gender specific, hehe) and who knows what will be explained tomorrow that I didn't even know I was better off unaware of today! And we always have the choice on technology - take my tv and telephone but leave the high speed connection.

Speaking of contentment, I have been enjoying a trove of it. Wayne Dyer is right on the money when he says that abundance is something we tune into. Not unlike messing around with the radio frequency. The right station can go along way in improving the day and our reactions to the world.

I believe it is a Chinese proverb that says when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Ah yes, dialing into the right frequency. To invite a teacher one must be ready to learn. And suddenly, with an ease once thought impossible, it is possible to take a step back from all the chaos of modern life and create space for something new. Lately, for me, this step back has had the effect of baggage dropping. Things I didn't even consider needing to let go of, suddenly removed and not missed at all. I'm not even completely sure what I am making room for! Perhaps for the time being it is enough just to create the space and watch for signs in the night sky.

Oh, and Cathy, my cosmic thoughts with you on these twists and turns of fate. xoxo

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Rooms & Revolving Doors

I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Dialogue from House, M.D. season 3

I've been giving much thought and attention to the idea of Intentions. My life is changing. And for the time being I feel as though I have successfully navigated through the initial fear of moving forward and into uncharted waters. Working through this fear has required a new spiritual commitment and trust in things unseen.

I have been reminding myself of instances in the past where I willed something to happen and it happened. When I was young I had an unfailing belief in my ability to manifest the things I wanted. I never discussed this with anyone - I regarded it as a sort of magical ability. Once, I confided in a friend of a certain boy I was interested in. Her response was that he was WAY out of my league. Without so much as another word to this friend, I put my mind to having this boy ask me out - within 6 weeks he asked me out and we dated for several months.

The strange thing is that this boy has been very near and dear to my heart since the first time I took notice of him in the high school gym - but in too many years to count, I have only seen him once. With the exception of this one meeting (he was with his wife and kids -he is since divorced - and I was with my mother and I scurried away like a scared rabbit) we have had numerous 'almost' encounters. Whenever I am home, I run into members of his immediate family all the time, but never him. Consequently, he runs into my immediate family on a fairly regular bases!

I've always felt as though we have an unfinished history. Like there is a cosmic loop that remains open between us. In the past I have filed this under school girl unrequited love, but in all honesty I am well past puppy crushes - on some level of consciousness I feel compelled to see him and find out how he is. While we dated I felt incredibly connected to him, different from other 'boyfriend' relationships I had had. After we broke up, there were numerous 'almost back together' moments that never materialized. (I don't' ever recall setting my intention for us to get back together) I always felt as though he 'got me' on a level most overlooked. I confided in him on the dreams I had for my life, and did not feel foolish in doing so. It was like he could somehow hear the things I did and didn't say and understood perfectly. I wonder if, when my thoughts are tuned to him, if his are also somehow tuned to me - and if that is what gives them so much strength, as though these thoughts have a mind and will of their own so very many years later. And then again, there is that insecure girl who discounts this all as lucid dreaming in my own little wishful thinking world.

I'm not looking for love and I don't believe that my thoughts are connected to reviving an old flame. But somewhere in this is an answer to a question not quite formulated. I feel as though it has been building for years and perhaps I am just now able to grasp and explore the significance of what it is and means - I might even find that it means nothing and that in and of itself will be beneficial.

Years ago when I first intended him into my life it was through willful thought. I am going to embark upon these same waters and see where this leads. My aunt once shared with me her thoughts on prayer - that when she would pray for the people she loved she imagined her intentions for those people as bits of energy that were able to go directly to the source of where they would effect. I find this such a beautiful visual. I am sending out my Intentions in the same spirit and for the highest good of all.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Expansion Bridges

Funny how things go and the way thoughts float through my head... but little fragments of this were strong enough to prompt me to look it up today:

Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

verse 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

I am struck by this - fill my mind and meditate on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, the beautiful, full of praise. If I practice these things, what I see, hear and learn from others, so long as they are in accordance with good things, will lead me into excellent harmonies and vibrations.

We cannot exist in two frequencies - either we are opening and expanding, which really means we are allowing things to move through us and hence letting them go OR we are closing and making ourselves an obstacle - whether to our own success or others. I know we all have stressors in our lives, and perhaps we must willingly let some of these things come to an end.

But don't forget to breathe - remember who you are, and that you are NOT these things, you just happen to be facilitating them in your life at the present moment. If Anxiety is rolling off of you at night in waves, know that you always have the power to choose the eyes through which you see the world.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,
but that we wait so long to begin it. -- Anonymous