emerging

i keep taking these deep breathes and holding them in my chest for a bit just to savour them.  my awareness of the air around me has changed.  i can feel things riding, floating, finding their way to me.  it is quite effortless apart from my observation of the invisible.

amazingly i have managed to turn myself right-side out.  as though all my internal twisting and morphing and knotted thinking has come to a conclusion of this particular phase.  the reflection is different even though the body from everyone else's eyes still looks more or less the same.

for such a long time it was about letting go.  letting go of all the things that no longer serve me.   i have succeeded.  the allowing is to begin.  to open up to the parts that do serve me.  that rocket me along into the fullness of living.  we are here for joy.  for understanding.  for courage to find ourselves among the stories being played out by the lives through whom we embed ourselves.

Sad

I find myself in a deep funk that I can't shake off.  And instead of feeling like I'm at the bottom of it about to make a turn-around... there still seems to be plenty of shifting ground under my feet.  Today is one of the darkest days I have experienced in quite some time.  It's like a cloud of oppression is sitting on top of me and every time I try to move or do something it bears down a little stronger.  Suffocating.

All I know for sure is that there is a lesson for me here.  For some reason this is what I need to experience, witness.  So instead of ignoring it or begging it to leave me alone, I'm inviting it in.  Asking it to sit with me.  Feel it in every aching part of my body.  So far it seems intent of communing in the middle of the night.  And well, if that's what it wants, then that is what I am going to give to it.

Although this little episode may appear to be masking as depression, I really don't think that is who or what this is.  It's just a part of me that needs some attention.  That can learn to let the dishes fill the sink and the bed go unmade.  And listen with a bit more sensitivity for this part of the journey.

Opening the Heart Chakra

For the yogi, everything is yoga.  Yoga is life.  I think this becomes the normal way of thinking for the person who sees themselves as a yogi.  Yoga is no longer a series of poses or asanas but rather a way of living your life.  The ideals of enlightenment become your approach to the circumstances you encounter.

Tonight, in my first class as an instructor, our lesson will focus on opening up the Heart chakra.  The Heart represents the fourth of the seven body chakras.  It is the balancing point, a fulcrum of sorts, between the the material world and our inner/spiritual world.  It is a bridge that connects our survival instincts to our ideals of knowing who we truly are and finding our purpose for living.  It is in this chakra that we begin to connect to peace and seek harmony in our lives.

The Sanskrit word for the Heart is Anahata.  In its literal translation it means unstruck or unhurt.  So, despite the fact that we all suffer and endure personal pain, the heart still has this immeasurable capacity for love.  Sometimes out of unconscious self-preservation we try to shut this chakra down, which only serves to create more suffering because the true nature of the heart is to love.

The element associated with the Heart chakra is Air.  I find this so sublime because love like air wants to fill up all of the spaces inside of us.  It will take on the shape of its vessel and at the same time cannot be contained.  Through breathing (pranayama) the Heart is strengthened and toned.  But one must bring a deliberateness to the act of breathing.  It must be deep and you should mediate from time to time on the beauty and significance of this chakra.

In yogic practice, the Heart is considered to be feminine.  The feminine in all of us yearns to release and let go of the temporal aches and pains and disappointments in this life.  The very act of breathing can enable this release to take place, to massage our hearts and enlarge our ability to love not only others but also ourselves.

Set aside a few moments to shut out the world.  Bring your hands together in prayer position.  You will find that your thumbs fit nicely against your sternum. Bow your head to your heart and begin to breathe steadily and easy.  Deepen as you go.  Feel the inhalation and exhalation in your belly.  Pay attention to the beating rhythm, you will soon begin to feel it throughout your entire body.  Give thanks to your Heart for its continued work, you really do owe it your life.

Namaste.

Go Boldly

The benefit of time is that it allows us to experience and experiment with the facets life has in its learning library.  If you pay attention you can draw conclusions for yourself that at first might not seem obvious.  But the key is that you must stay mindful.  You must bring body-mind-spirit attention to the nuances that are playing out in, through and around you.

Try thinking of your lifetime as an opportunity to interact and be the instigator of an array of ideas and ventures.  When you take on this paradigm the world opens up wide to the desires of your heart.  In essence you cannot fail.  You'll become a data interpreter for your own unique existence!  There are things that will work and things that won't work out so well.  This is not to say that you throw common sense to the wind, you will still want to pursue life with your intelligence acting as a compass, but you will tune out more of the herd noise and seek life on your own terms.

For me, detachment has probably been the most important skill that I have been learning in this lifetime.  I can see how moving into mastery of this is helping me to pursue new directions.  Detachment doesn't mean you don't care but instead that you are not married to the outcome of any particular event.  You can just let life move and happen without having to have it a certain way, remembering that every decision you make moves the compass hand of experience.

Your beliefs about yourself are also powerfully important.  Allow your beliefs to change.  See yourself as a positive force in the world.  Seek to better everything you touch.  Think outside the box.  Although everything that is within your possession is in some way a manifestation and reflection of you, dare to change the rules!  Refuse to let the things that support your comfort dictate the principles by which you live.  Life is a dynamic process, your thoughts from 20 years ago shouldn't necessarily be what you are building your life around today.  Growth means change, which means allowing what you've learned to become a part of the unfolding.

Namaste.  

The Art of Letting Go

This winter I have been taking a Pilate's class two times a week. Each session is a full 60 minutes long with a level of intensity I would place in the bulldog hard category! It is punishing and about 15 minutes too long in my estimation. This is not to say that it hasn't been without benefit. My arms and core muscles (although still nicely insulated by a soft squishy layer) have tightened and firmed. I've also met some nice people and gained some confidence by getting back on the bicycle, so to speak.

For several years now I have been taking yoga classes. I love Yoga. Of all the forms of exercise, Yoga and walking are my front runners. Pilate's and Yoga share may common elements and movements yet are two distinct disciplines. Very distinct, as I have recently learned.

Most nights after returning home from Pilate's, I felt empty, tired and sore. I did not look forward to actually going to the classes but did always feel good for at least the two days following the workout. I even gave some consideration to signing up for the spring sessions, but have since reconsidered.

Part of my reasoning for not rejoining at this time is that I have met a wonderful and caring Yoga teacher. Christine and I have kindred spirits and she approaches the practice with an intention and awareness I have not previously experienced with any other teacher.

I do believe that the beauty of Yoga exists in the deep connection that is made between the mind, the body and a collective spirit. The breath leads us on this journey, opening and extending our known boundaries of the three. It is a case of 'more than the sum of the parts'. Yoga, especially when lead by a teacher seeking the truth of who they are, goes far beyond physical exercise, so much so that the physicality is no longer even the point.

No doubt about it, Pilate's pushed my body to its physical limit. But something about it made me feel as though I had been robbed, that I wasn't good enough and that next time I should try harder. In Yoga, my breath is my focus, my mind is at ease and so is my body. I have experienced and maintained difficult poses and vinyasa by finding the beauty of the movement through the beauty of deep and soulful inhale and exhale. Also, I have found contentment and acceptance in not pushing my boundary (even backing off !) and allowing the pose to find its own rhythm. Generally, when I stop tyring so hard and rather focus my intent on releasing any tension and ego surrounding the movement, this release takes me far beyond the trying and into a deeper connect. I marvel at this over and over again.

I have found that this principle can be applied to daily living. My life takes on an ease when I thoughtfully practice the art of letting go. When I imagine myself soft and pliable I seem to glide through without getting caught up on so many small things. I also find that because I have purposefully given my physical and emotional self permission to accept things I cannot change, the things that I can change become much more meaningful and personal.

My desire for all of us, is that we can find our own space to practice and let go.

Namaste.


Take my yoke on you and become like me, for I am gentle and without pride, and you will have rest for your souls; For my yoke is good, and the weight I take up is not hard.

~Matthew 11:29,30~

Northern Lights and Space Exploration

I woke early this morning. And rather than stay in bed and drift back off, I got up, made some tea and caught the most spectacular no-longer-full moon hanging just above the neighboring houses. Living here in the far reaching northern climes (about 58 1/2 degrees of latitude), dusk and dawn have become my favorite times of day. Although the big Alberta sky reaches on forever, there is something particularly palatable to me about the refraction of light witnessed here, living on the top of the world.

A couple of nights ago, my insomnia was rewarded with a sky filled with shimmering northern lights. I notice that they often arc like rainbows across the sky, directly above my backyard. They change quickly - always evolving in dynamic striations. I find them mesmerizing and have endured -30 (yes Celsius) temps to enjoy them perform. It fascinates me that while most of this town sleeps, right above our heads an electrifying dance of cosmic particles plays out repeatedly, ab libbing a story retold from long before an audience came to appreciate the effort.

I sometimes wonder if people were more content in their lives before technology and science broke down the magic of so much beauty in life - like rainbows and the earth NOT being the centre of the universe? But then again, man has always had to contend with himself (I'm going to leave this gender specific, hehe) and who knows what will be explained tomorrow that I didn't even know I was better off unaware of today! And we always have the choice on technology - take my tv and telephone but leave the high speed connection.

Speaking of contentment, I have been enjoying a trove of it. Wayne Dyer is right on the money when he says that abundance is something we tune into. Not unlike messing around with the radio frequency. The right station can go along way in improving the day and our reactions to the world.

I believe it is a Chinese proverb that says when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Ah yes, dialing into the right frequency. To invite a teacher one must be ready to learn. And suddenly, with an ease once thought impossible, it is possible to take a step back from all the chaos of modern life and create space for something new. Lately, for me, this step back has had the effect of baggage dropping. Things I didn't even consider needing to let go of, suddenly removed and not missed at all. I'm not even completely sure what I am making room for! Perhaps for the time being it is enough just to create the space and watch for signs in the night sky.

Oh, and Cathy, my cosmic thoughts with you on these twists and turns of fate. xoxo

It has been a week of troughs and peaks. I found myself extremely tired and unable to shake the general feeling of fatigue, despite sleeping 8-9 hours each night. When work ended on Friday I collapsed in a puddle on the couch and could not get up (save but to actually go to bed).

Also, it was an emotional week (the tired ones always are) with thoughts of leaving on my mind and where and when that will take me. I have a wonderful support in my beloved auntie Clara, my sister and Laura, my dear friend. Yet, I hesitated to burden them too greatly with ideas I myself am having difficulty reconciling. Their probes did not necessarily bring me to answers but did give me charters upon which to meditate.

And, meditate I did. I found myself challenged by some interesting coincidences. Perhaps I would have thought nothing of these nuances had I not read The Alchemist this week. It was serendipitous to have found the book, although it has been loosely in my brain as a book I would like to read, I have made no pursuit to actually track the book down and indulge. A quick peruse through our staffroom book share (something I do on the rarest of occasions) and there it was, smiling back at me, beckoning me with glee.

Each evening through tired and watery eyes I read. Initially the book depressed me. Agitated over my own lack of destiny. But as I allowed the parable to wallow and stew, I concluded that I do not lack a destiny - I lack courage and conviction to see myself through to the realization of a recurring dream I have had for my life for many many years. This only added to the depression!

My biggest obstacle, and I have iterated this many times inside my head, is lack . Lack of money to be specific. How many times have I said, "If I had $x, I would do x"? And over and above that excuse, there are always others that have kept me from pursuing what I want to do and what I believe I would be particularly good at.

In my mind eye I can see it in detail, smell its fragrance and hear the echo of laughter and contentment it would bring.

What struck me most from the book, is that fulfilling our destiny requires a patient commitment to do so. Our spirit needs preparation. Self-discipline needs exercised. And we need the universe to sometimes conspire on our behalf and believe in miracles great and small, in the face of extraordinary circumstances, that we were destined for success when others along the path fell short of the prize.

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So after a weeks worth of recycling thoughts, I find myself leading with the ideal of pursuing the destiny that is mine. For a few years, I have practically given up belief in God. Honestly, this has afforded me little favor in the happiness department. So I am committing to begin with a shifted paradigm on the god issue. I am a spark of the divine and that divinity has purpose within my being. I need to develop a relationship with a new god, one not unlike but also not the same as one I worshipped in the past.

Also, I am clearing some room for mediation - both in my heart and in my house. This will be an "intention space" (Lynne McTaggart) to explore through affirmation, abundance and attraction. This will be part of my discipline. And I am down right excited to see where this leads me. I've done this sort of thing before, but always in a very general way. This time I will be specific in my objectives and open to how my prayers (of sort) will be answered.

For now, all of the other things (which are small and insignificant) are being put on the shelf. Let's give them a chance to resolve on their own. I don't think a little spontaneous healing is too much to ask for.

Namaste.