Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Rooms & Revolving Doors

I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Dialogue from House, M.D. season 3

I've been giving much thought and attention to the idea of Intentions. My life is changing. And for the time being I feel as though I have successfully navigated through the initial fear of moving forward and into uncharted waters. Working through this fear has required a new spiritual commitment and trust in things unseen.

I have been reminding myself of instances in the past where I willed something to happen and it happened. When I was young I had an unfailing belief in my ability to manifest the things I wanted. I never discussed this with anyone - I regarded it as a sort of magical ability. Once, I confided in a friend of a certain boy I was interested in. Her response was that he was WAY out of my league. Without so much as another word to this friend, I put my mind to having this boy ask me out - within 6 weeks he asked me out and we dated for several months.

The strange thing is that this boy has been very near and dear to my heart since the first time I took notice of him in the high school gym - but in too many years to count, I have only seen him once. With the exception of this one meeting (he was with his wife and kids -he is since divorced - and I was with my mother and I scurried away like a scared rabbit) we have had numerous 'almost' encounters. Whenever I am home, I run into members of his immediate family all the time, but never him. Consequently, he runs into my immediate family on a fairly regular bases!

I've always felt as though we have an unfinished history. Like there is a cosmic loop that remains open between us. In the past I have filed this under school girl unrequited love, but in all honesty I am well past puppy crushes - on some level of consciousness I feel compelled to see him and find out how he is. While we dated I felt incredibly connected to him, different from other 'boyfriend' relationships I had had. After we broke up, there were numerous 'almost back together' moments that never materialized. (I don't' ever recall setting my intention for us to get back together) I always felt as though he 'got me' on a level most overlooked. I confided in him on the dreams I had for my life, and did not feel foolish in doing so. It was like he could somehow hear the things I did and didn't say and understood perfectly. I wonder if, when my thoughts are tuned to him, if his are also somehow tuned to me - and if that is what gives them so much strength, as though these thoughts have a mind and will of their own so very many years later. And then again, there is that insecure girl who discounts this all as lucid dreaming in my own little wishful thinking world.

I'm not looking for love and I don't believe that my thoughts are connected to reviving an old flame. But somewhere in this is an answer to a question not quite formulated. I feel as though it has been building for years and perhaps I am just now able to grasp and explore the significance of what it is and means - I might even find that it means nothing and that in and of itself will be beneficial.

Years ago when I first intended him into my life it was through willful thought. I am going to embark upon these same waters and see where this leads. My aunt once shared with me her thoughts on prayer - that when she would pray for the people she loved she imagined her intentions for those people as bits of energy that were able to go directly to the source of where they would effect. I find this such a beautiful visual. I am sending out my Intentions in the same spirit and for the highest good of all.

No comments: