The fiasco and confusion of my own emotion culminated in an argument with someone close to me. I literally wanted to rip them limb from limb and then shake the pieces that remained. I didn't yell or scream ~ but oh, god, how I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to release every last shred of the violence and hate channeling through my body by some nameless/faceless hormonal super ex-girlfriend like beast. It was an incredible full-throttle voltage energy.
A bit ago, I blogged about words that spill like milk. How it never gets put back in the cup quite the same way. Those words were not easy to contain yesterday. I do believe on two different occasions that I caught them mid-air and pushed them back, choking them down as they scratched their way into my belly, all jagged and edgy. Last night I wondered if that is what it feels like to be possessed?
In the end I drank a gallon of Cellfood and took lots of vitamin D, seeking to fortify myself and thinking the cold and lack of outdoor air might possibly own some responsibility. I then, speedily became a 'get things done around this place' machine and worked myself to exhaustion. By 9pm I'd recovered to the point that I could look in the mirror and see something other than the devil. Not entirely sure my family is there yet.
So where did all of this come from? I'm now in the 4th year of living in the north. Truth, I have loved the adventure. But something in me seemed to switch at the beginning of December, and right at the moment there is not so much adventure as there had been. Over the last few days there has been so much buzz about goals and achievement ~ and I believe in all of those things, but they seem to be streaming at me faster (like those green alphanumbers in the matrix) than I can process. Overwhelming. Making me crazy.
And the thing is, I know what I want. I know the goal. And I'm trying to be so unlike me and wait for optimal conditions. To not fuck-it-up, because I've never been so great at timing. But then again, timing is all about our ultimate destiny... don't you think...