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Saturday, January 02, 2010

Goals

Yesterday was a hard day. Do you ever have those? Where you are discontent with EVERYTHING? There is NOTHING that makes you happy or will appease in any way. Even more FRUSTRATING is that you're TRYING to get it right! But try as you might, it feels like you are crawling out of your very own skin in an effort to make it different, palatable. I give myself an A+ on a stellar performance at pissing off and alienating my family. I really should have been nominated, given the authenticity of my role around this place.

The fiasco and confusion of my own emotion culminated in an argument with someone close to me. I literally wanted to rip them limb from limb and then shake the pieces that remained. I didn't yell or scream ~ but oh, god, how I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to release every last shred of the violence and hate channeling through my body by some nameless/faceless hormonal super ex-girlfriend like beast. It was an incredible full-throttle voltage energy.

A bit ago, I blogged about words that spill like milk. How it never gets put back in the cup quite the same way. Those words were not easy to contain yesterday. I do believe on two different occasions that I caught them mid-air and pushed them back, choking them down as they scratched their way into my belly, all jagged and edgy. Last night I wondered if that is what it feels like to be possessed?

In the end I drank a gallon of Cellfood and took lots of vitamin D, seeking to fortify myself and thinking the cold and lack of outdoor air might possibly own some responsibility. I then, speedily became a 'get things done around this place' machine and worked myself to exhaustion. By 9pm I'd recovered to the point that I could look in the mirror and see something other than the devil. Not entirely sure my family is there yet.

So where did all of this come from? I'm now in the 4th year of living in the north. Truth, I have loved the adventure. But something in me seemed to switch at the beginning of December, and right at the moment there is not so much adventure as there had been. Over the last few days there has been so much buzz about goals and achievement ~ and I believe in all of those things, but they seem to be streaming at me faster (like those green alphanumbers in the matrix) than I can process. Overwhelming. Making me crazy.

And the thing is, I know what I want. I know the goal. And I'm trying to be so unlike me and wait for optimal conditions. To not fuck-it-up, because I've never been so great at timing. But then again, timing is all about our ultimate destiny... don't you think...


3 comments:

Lyn said...

Sounds like you were able to contain your rage somewhat. Don't you find that the "fit" usually has little to do with who or what you are raging about? Transference at its best -- it has to go somewhere! I know what you mean about just having one of those days. When that happens I try like hell to minimize the words I speak (for they can never be taken back) and wait 24 hours. If I still feel the same, it tells me that there is some legitimacy to what I am experiencing and then I can proceed with caution. Sorry to hear you had one of THOSE. Take it easy and try to shake it off. The good news is that today is a new day!

Thanks for popping by and leaving such kind words. I am getting attached to you!

Smarts said...

Today is in fact a new day! What a wild ride one can go on in a mere 24 hours or less!!!!!! In the end, I think I war'd more in my head ~ but am certain that I oozed the vibe of WOUNDED ANIMAL... STAY AWAY.

I often wonder if on THOSE days, there isn't some cosmic storm brewing in the universe and it is transmitting itself directly into my blood! And I'm certain there is reason for it... I've been feeling lackluster, passionless ~ and yesterday was anything but that! When it comes to authenticity, I think the key is to embrace who you are at all times ~ even when that 'who' is not so pretty. Good can come from everything, even crazy!

Thanks for your words.

Megan said...

Goodness, I didnt even think about it being 10 years since all that Y2K nonsense. Thanks so much for following my blog!
Ps you have such a lovely way with the written word!