Sunday, January 24, 2010

Field goals.

It is a lazy, windy, cold and overcast Sunday. We ventured as far as our favorite breakfast spot and then made a quick in and out to the grocery store for lasagna ingredients. Otherwise, I'm considering myself housebound for the day. I'm tired and the urge to nap is overwhelming, there is a good chance it will win in the end.

Thankfully I'm back to regular sleep habits. Now my body wants to catch up! A friend/colleague asked me if I was taking any vitamin B ~ which of course I wasn't. So about two weeks ago I started adding that into my daily regimen. The kind I bought was Webber Naturals B~Calm B50 Complex with Sensoril. Living here, there is a limited choice in this sort of thing (only a drug store and a grocery store to choose from) and I chose this brand because it came in capsule form as opposed to tablet. I have to concede that it has done wonders to bring the nervous energy under control, although it took a week before I saw any appreciable difference. A secondary benefit has been a boost in libido! I Googled it to see if I was crazy ... ladies think about adding this to your supplement arsenal! ;)

The husband and I spent a long time talking over coffee this morning. Love these days. He's been reading Dyer again. Good things always come out of him reading Dyer. I think it is because it puts us on the same page in our thoughts and helps us focus in on what we are trying to achieve. I'm not sure about you, but life for me so easily distracts. Full time jobs (even when highly satisfying) can steal away valuable hours that might be better spent by doing something for your future self. So moments like these are important to take full advantage of and zero in on how to move your thoughts into full blown reality.

I don't want to leave the impression that life isn't good. In fact, I think my life has never been better. What I now realize is that I am just beginning to scratch the surface of the kind of life that is possible and that my primary motivations have always been to experience as much as I can as fully as I can. And they don't all have to be pleasure filled ~ I want the gamete.

Do you think there is a difference between goals and goalposts? I've never been great at setting concrete goals. Mostly because I want life to intervene. I don't want my ideas to be so structured that there isn't room for the random good stuff to make its way into the mix. I WANT the kindness of strangers to a part of the flow. With goalposts, at least there is direction. Some would argue that isn't good enough. But, I'm not some and the more I reflect on this point, the more I recognize that it is good enough for me. In my heart I want to live with the ambiguity and given that it is such a deep seated part of my personality, it is what I'm going to naturally attract anyway ~ it would require such an enormous amount of energy to change this about myself that it seems counter-intuitive to even try.

So what are the goal posts I'm shooting for? Well, I have a few things clearly in mind. The first is a piece of property near and dear to my heart that we hope to purchase in the next 6 months. Our plans for this are yet to reveal themselves. But that's okay. It will come. I once was told that when you buy a house you should live in it for 6 months without doing anything to it ~ no paining, no artwork. And, over the course of living and getting to know your new surroundings, the house will speak silently and let you know what it wants. When we bought our second house, I did exactly that. It was astounding all the secret things the house gave up to me! I'd like to see this future property treated the same way. I believe in the rightness of intuition.

The second thing I'm working on is trying to figure a way to earn a living without being tied to a job. I have mixed feelings because I truly love the work I am currently doing. Teaching grade 3 is a joy I'm not quite through with. Also, there are many factors in play right now that make my work so good ~ the grade 3 teaching team (5 of us in total) is a well oiled machine, my administrators give me room to do my job and be creative, AND the group of kids I'm teaching at the present moment (and their parents) make the day to day stuff feel both fun and purposeful. It is ideal. BUT, I've enough experience to know that all of these factors aren't always in play all of the time ~ so I'm appreciating fully this gift that I've been given!

Teaching though is the second love of my life, something I have learned to love. Writing is the first. Soon, I want to create a block of time and space to explore just what I am capable of creating with the written word. I know for certain that I don't want to write for other people (free-lancing). If that were my only outlet, I believe I'd be much more fulfilled keeping my day job. Still, the thing I always come back to is writing. So I want to honor this and give it life beyond this blog.

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep putting it out there ~ into the aether. Let it come to me as it is ready to find expression.

So what about you? Where do you find yourself on the scale of directing your life? Are you wandering the desert looking for the promised land? Or are you there making dreams come true? Seriously, I want to know...



Lyn said...

Hi Angela ... interesting question. I am with you ... I think the idea of leaving room for cosmic intervention! What my mom always taught me to do when setting a goal is to visualize the feelings and essence of what you want without necessarily being solidly concrete about it all. For example when I was living in Toronto in a tiny house squeezed between two others- with no space to breathe, I set a goal of living in a privat place with space to breathe and relax. I didn't put limitations on it. My mom used to say that sometimes the universe has bigger plans or possibilities than we dare to dream ... so we have to leave room for something great! I ended up with a home in a nearby town that I thought we couldn't afford; it needed work but we landed such a deal that we couldn't turn it down. A gift! I had a goal of having my writing being published. I left it open and for years, I barely wrote a word. Then just a few years ago I landed this job for a not for profit ... and now I write and research a monthly newsletter that helps more than 25,000 people in 110 countries work safely. It isn't what I had in mind when I set the goal 20 years ago but by identifying my desire to write -- I find myself writing for a living and loving it! I also discovered blogging and it has help me hone my skills and find a voice.

I think if you put your finger on the outcome you want (peace, communing with nature, space to grow food, etc) without getting too specific, you will find your happiness and fulfillment.

Lyn said...

Angela, I read your comments about helping with the Africa school project to Kidlet and we are both deeply moved. We are overwhelmed with the helping hand we are getting from you and your kids ... and I wish I could think of a way to make it interesting for them. I wish we were going to make the trip before the end of the school year so we could share the pictures with them. You may want to check out the Free the Children website ... I think they have some interesting teaching tools/info to share with the kids. I can't tell your involvement means to us. If you send me the first names of every child in your class, we will paint them each on a rock from here, and leave in on the Masai Mara reserve. I will take pictures and post them so they can see them next fall. Let me know if there is anything I can do .... can I mention this on my blog? And if so, how can I identify you and your class and still preserve privacy ... please advise. And thank you from the bottom of my heart!

shellbell said...

hey girly, i totally wanted to comment yesterday but i was really out of it and couldn't find any words!

you strike me as the kind of person who is really very self-assured, who knows who she is, even if she is always evolving, and open to a world of new experiences.

its wonderful that you can appreciate how happy you are at this moment, while still acknowledging your thirst for something new, something that will contribute to the ever-changing whole of you.

this transition you're in is so exciting! sort of seems like we're both having revelations these days.

i'm watching your journey with a vast amount of respect and hope and excitement for you!

you are a FANTASTIC writer. i'm quite sure you won't be able to help succeeding in a literary career, if that's what you choose :)