Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Putting the I in Insomnia

Lately, it seems impossible to sleep. I've hesitated to blog about it but at this point I figure that there isn't much to lose in doing so. Some part of me has called this beast into existence, to what end... I have NO idea!

All I do know is that right at this time, I'm finding the north very difficult. This year, unlike any before, I feel as though I can't find my way out of the darkness. For weeks now, I've endured cold temperatures too penetrating to venture outside and have been going back and forth to work pre and post the sun. Usually by this point in January there is a visible difference to the length of day but it has been overcast and snowing since the weekend. Crossing my fingers that the prediction for softening weather holds true and we get some reprieve in the coming days.

Tonight I decided that there is a something that I'm not letting go of, can't seem to set aside. But it's not yet ready to show me what it is. Hmmm, is it so BIG that it needs both my body and mind shaking from fatigue before it dares to reveal? Or, is it one of those right before your eyes obvious kind of things that is waiting for me to stumble over it at 3am in a convulsion of weariness and lethargy?

One thing I strive to do is love my life even when it's not warm and fuzzy. Even when it hurts a little bit and getting out of bed seems like the impossible task of the day. Because when you look back, these kinds of moments are the defining ones. They're the ones that help you figure out what you really want in life. And they don't last forever. Each one of us can remember a time when it felt like it would never end, that we'd never make it through, that things would never get better... And not long afterward, although you carry the feeling from it, you never seem to regret having endured.

At some point in my future life I will sleep again!

And if the answer comes I'll let you know...

In the meantime, may all of the blessings of the universe be falling on you as gently and as beautifully as the snow outside my window.


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