One thing leads to another.

Tonight while looking at a map of Europe and dreaming about next summer's expedition, I located Crete, an island off the coast of Greece which is in the south Aegean Sea. Which got me thinking about a poem I'd studied long ago. So I promptly google'd it. It is far more beautiful than I could have recalled (and is actually about the English Dover Cliffs). I love how these things seem to always fit together and complete my mood. Enjoy.

Dover Beach

The sea is calm to-night.

The tide is full, the moon lies fair

Upon the straits;--on the French coast the light

Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,

Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.

Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!

Only, from the long line of spray

Where the sea meets the moon-blanch'd land,

Listen! you hear the grating roar

Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,

At their return, up the high strand,

Begin, and cease, and then again begin,

With tremulous cadence slow, and bring

The eternal note of sadness in.

***

Sophocles long ago

Heard it on the Ægean, and it brought

Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow

Of human misery; we

Find also in the sound a thought,

Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

***

The Sea of Faith

Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore

Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furl'd.

But now I only hear

Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,

Retreating, to the breath

Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear

And naked shingles of the world.

***

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Matthew Arnold, 1851

Recycled

I initially wrote this post December 2006. Thought it was worth a re-share.

tonight I've come undone. it feels deliriously and deliciously wonderful. i'm a little drunk and a little euphoric. and a little on fire for all the things i've yet to do but know that i will conquer.

we take ourselves too seriously. we think things are do or die. who are we kidding? we are specks of dust in a world of wonder and joyous anticipation. we are not our house or our car or our occupation! we are. we are. we are.

we are flesh and blood. we are spirits soaring and crashing. we are tears weeping and laughter echoing. we are this mind of firing synapses and this heart of pumping blood and lungs of oxygen pockets. inhaling our humanity that reaches out like floating particles in the air.

we are not where we come from. we are this moment. only this moment. in a universe measured by our trips around the sun. we are this creative force of genius, a chip off the divinity block. if only we would let ourselves be, if only we would get out of our own way. we, you and me, meeting here in this cyber moment in space, destined to break free of this illusionary life.

don't over-think it. just be with it. sit with it. dance with. walk with it. talk with it. sing with it. move with it. the rhythm in your head, the ancient beat of a drum you can't forget but haven't yet heard.

feel it. move with it. live it.

this is who you are.

The Weekend is Here!

I'm happy for the weekend to be here! And it is a beautiful day in the north with clear blue sky above and and a reprieve from the cold north outflow air. We were experiencing some early winter last weekend, so it nice to see a reversal on that, if even for just a few days!

Unfortunately work is calling my name and I'm going to have to go in for a bit today and clear off my desk (when my desk gets messy I get stressed) and do some paper work. It was a harried week, complete with two back to back evenings of P/T interviews. Yesterday afternoon I took my kids to the track just to walk off some of their energy. A colleague asked me where I was going to which I replied "I don't want to teach and they don't want to learn! So we're making it a double gym period today!" Her response, "I completely understand."

Overall, I really don't mind putting in a few weekend hours. I try not to do it every weekend as it is a fast recipe for burnout. But I do enjoy the serenity of my classroom both when it is empty and full of kids. I especially love it when it is full of happy children finding ways to express their own genius, it is a heart-warming thing! But to make it all work smooth requires directed thought and planning. And honestly, that is part of the fun. My classroom has a kick-ass stereo system, so I usually take an assortment of Blue Rodeo cds and rock out.

Hope you are enjoying some down time and outdoor walking weather, wherever you may be.

Namaste.

Long Day

On my way out for a vigorous walk and then a long hot epsom salt soak. Really stoked about that second part!

Thanksgiving

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. Some celebrate on Sunday and others save the big meal for today. We went to a friend's house last night and observed the occasion with smoked turkey and all the fixings. Earlier in the day Jeremy and I made apple pie and maple pumpkin cheesecake, both of which turned out wonderfully! It has been a long time since we tandem cooked in the kitchen and for the most part it was quite pleasant.

Jeremy's dad has been visiting with us from New Brunswick since Wednesday which has put some strain on our household. It is a considerable trip for him. His oldest son sponsored the visit by providing the airmiles for flying. Not exactly the weekend I was looking forward to but... I'm going to say this knowing full well that it sounds completely uncharitable. I can't wait until he leaves!

Sometimes I have difficulty with Jeremy because he purposefully imitates his father to get under my skin (and boy does it ever). Seeing them side by side is a gracious reminder of just how unalike they truly are. This visit hasn't been easy for him either.

So as not to leave this post in a completely negative vein, here are some things for which I am very thankful:

1. Being born to intelligent and intellectual parents which whom I continue to have important and interesting conversations.

2. Friends to celebrate with.

3. Long invigorating walks on cold fall days.

4. My new North Face winter jacket to take those walks in. :-)

5. That I believe in the possibilities. At any time I choose, I am able to change the entire course of my life.

Namaste. Many rich blessings heading your way.

"We are not born blank canvases to be painted on by others. We come in with definite personalities, gifts, challenges and lessons we seem to be fatefully pulled to learn." MELODY SCOTT ZINDELL

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill.

This simple quote just might sum up the meaning of life. Continue. Keep on keeping on. Run the good race.

Not Much

Ah, a Sunday night and I don't have to go to work tomorrow! Feels like I am cheating, sitting here at this keyboard at 11pm and not castigating myself off to bed. It has been an exceptional weekend, I'm hesitant to see it end.

I so enjoy just hanging out with my sister and her little girl. Ava, who just turned 2 is first-class entertainment! Last night we were playing 'kitchen' and she farted while filling up the dishwasher and I exclaimed "Ava, you farted!" She just looked at me and said with absolute deadpan "Wasn't me." I know it is one of those had to be there moments, but still it was one of many that has kept me smiling all weekend long.

It has also been great getting to see my dad for a couple of days. We plan to go for some breakfast and a bit of shopping tomorrow before I have to get to the airport and return north. He is in very good humour, which pleases me to no-end because I assure you when I was home this summer that was not the case! He has been taking a supplement that's had positive results with his knees and overall health, it is definitely showing in his disposition and I am so thankful for the change.

Once I get back up to High Level I will be on my own for a few days. Jeremy is working in Edmonton for the rest of the week and won't be back until Friday, with his dad in tow ~ who will be staying through the Thanksgiving weekend. For right now though, I'm looking forward to the house to myself and some long hot baths!

Me.

I'm not interested in Knights in Shining Armour. And I never have been. I don't desire rescuing on any level. Really, what in life could you possibly need salvation from? The experience of being alive? Then what would be the point?

wants

What are your wants. Not your needs, your wants. Above all other things, what are your heart's desires? Are they basic like food and shelter? Or something drastic like quiting your job? Running away with your best friends husband? Shopping till the car can't hold another box?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.

But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.

Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Onward, Upward

As a progressive and evolving being, man is where he is that he may learn where he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lessons which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances. James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As a Man Thinketh

"Man is made or unmade by himself, in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools by which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choices and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master." James Allen from the book As A Man Thinketh

Compass Rose

I just never quite know how any of these blog entries are going to turn out until they are done! I'm prone to tangents and random turns of events. :-) But that is ok. In a way it is how I live my life so the fact that 'my' blog reflects this should come as no big surprise to me.

Summer is fully over now (at least where I live) and that is reflected both in the changing temperatures and turning leaves, but more significantly in my work. Gone are the carefree days of aimless wanderlust replaced by preparing lessons and early morning alarm clocks. Honestly, I don't mind, school keeps me grounded and focused (and truth be told I absolutely love it even on the difficult days). Plus, would summer really be as good if not for the busyness of these fall/winter months?

I'm trying to make a short list for next summer of where my travels will take me. Of course Italy is in the top 5! I envision seeing the countryside and perhaps traveling by ferry to northern Africa to the city of Tunis. Part of the grade 3 curriculum in this province includes a study of Tunisia, it would be enriching to actually travel there and take in some of the culture. I'd like to compare and contrast first hand the two places ~ both a part of the Mediterranean but one predominately Christian, the other Muslim. Also, observe (if any) the affects of two distinct continents.

Also in the top 5 is Amsterdam. One main reason is that English is so accessible in Holland and spoken by all, that and the beauty of the city with its many canals and stone bridges. It is also easy travel from there to so many other European cities. Given that I already speak some French it would be an opportunity to also visit parts of France and Belgium without communication getting in the way (something I did find frustrating while in Italy).

So far I really only have these two as part of the top 5! But I am open to suggestions! Prague, perhaps? Croatia? Spain and Portugal? Wherever I decide on, I would like to spend the majority of my time in that main country, take my time there and really get a feel for what it is like to be a citizen of that region. I also plan on going for a minimum of 4 weeks and ideally as long as 6! But Euros are much pricier than Canadian $$$s, so the exact time remains unknown at present.

It pleases me to no end that I have all of this to dream about and research over the next few months! For so long, I felt this overwhelming discontent with the undisciplined directions I was allowing my life to take. In a recent post I commented on how this summer I seemed to have gained an added measure of courage. Perhaps it is age. At 37 I can embrace not really giving so much of a shit about many things. And I have finally broken free of the self-imposed weight of others expectations, including my parents and husband. Tis good. I can accept that this new found "not giving a shit" is changing the dynamics of those relationships. But I'm going to just let that be what it is going to be.

Namaste. Fill your heart with love and appreciation for all that you are already.

Reckoning

Although today was not a perfect day it was still, a perfectly good day. Do you ever take a moment to let it dawn on you how fantastic it is just to live (even when it is shit!). Sometimes I just smile and think to myself "Damn but I love my life!" All of it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Do you have a safety net?

“It's your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.” Peter McWilliams

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

The sun just set about 20 minutes ago. It went down right before my eyes. Reminded me of all the things that keep on happening without any thought or effort from me. Every single person on this earth gets to experience these gifts ~ such as the sun setting and rising, the stars in the night sky, the moon as she moves through her phases, and 10,000 other things ~ all without the price of admission. One merely has to open their eyes and acknowledge.

Maybe it is because I grew up in a small town where life moved along slowly that I remember to look for such things. Or maybe it is that I now live in Alberta where the sky is so big one can't help but take notice of her as she stretches from one flat horizon to the next. Whatever the reason, the goddess mother always seems to be near me. And I like it that way. I take comfort in a knowing that none of this needs me to get along.

And it made we wonder, is this an area where we go wrong in life? Spending our time taking on needless responsibilities for things that will continue to turn without our interference? And by putting ourselves in charge of things that need no custody, are we neglecting the deeper meaning and issues of our own essence?

These become busy work. Distracting us. Making us feel wanted and important. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I must do this!" Keeping us occupied. Filling up our days so there is no room for the other. And before you know it we've encapsulated our lives in a safety net, strung around our necks so tightly we can't untangle from the multitude of things that never needed us in the first place.

So as you travel through your life in the next few days, think about this. What things are you taking on in your world that don't actually need you? Why do you do it? Because you love it and want to? Or because it creates an escape from what you'd rather not deal with?

Namaste.

I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A

Today

I just spent a fantastic day with old high school friends. What a treat! Five of us girls got together and canoed the river. Tonight I'm having dinner with another great friend from days pasts.

Have loved every minute of this summer! So great.

Promise to do some real blogging soon - may even post some pics! Hope you are all doing well.

Space Between

Some loves never leave you - no matter how far you roam. Even when it is a lifetime and there are ques of loves in between. Those moments that are special don't tarnish just because other beings wander in and out.

Carpe Diem

Today is our first full day in Rome. Great hotel, very quiet and in the heart of the Ancient city. We can see the ruins of the Roman Forum from our window!

Got a great sleep last night and just about ready to head out on foot. The map looks large but the streets are all narrow and winding, so getting from one place to another is quick. Looking forward to exploring the Forum, Coliseum and Tiber River within the next few hours. Will also make time for wine drinking and soaking up this weather - azure sky and the faintest of a breeze - I will have to tuck this away and remember it in the December.

A.

You & Me and all of the people...

Wanting what you can never have... well, I guess we all know how that goes.

But I want it anyway.
And I think I'm almost there on letting the other go.

More Wanderlust

Soon to be Rome-ing around! I leave for Italy tomorrow!!!! Too excited to sleeep. :-0

Walk On

The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. U2

It's late. I just came in from the river and in truth I hated to leave. The night is clear, the moon waxing almost at her full sphere. She's casting long shadows on the pine trees and lighting up the rooftops.

~

As a kid I spent a large portion of my life in this same back field, lying in dewy grass staring at the night sky. Just letting the stars imprint themselves on my mind's eye. Accompanied by the sound of the river (the Mozart to the Van Gogh above me). Wondering. About it all.

~

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind (U2)

~

I'm so thankful for my life. It is such a gift of grace to recognize this journey as it unfolds in front of me. As though I have stumbled upon the very soul of the world and can hear its beat inside myself. To this I bow with my whole heart open.

~

Namaste.

Scribles of the Day

Lately I've been breathing deeply, taking life all in and letting it move through me like air. It feels good. I also feel strong and contented, even though I'm sensing change around the bend.

Today I went to church and listened to my father preach. I sat with certainty as his words washed over me and knew the truth in my heart to be my truth, not his. It was liberating and I sat with those moments, embracing a freedom I've never felt in either my heart or mind. It was euphoric in a quiet non-assuming way that can never be shared with those among whom I sat.
~

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul.

~

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~

"Invictus," by William Earnest Henley

A delicate balance...

I don't think I've mentioned it but I've recently lost 10 lbs! And it wasn't really that difficult. I've been on what my friend and I refer to simply as 'the plan'. Want to know the secret?

How you pair your food. You eat starches (bread & pasta) alone or with vegetables. Allow 3 hours for digesting before eating again. Eat fruit by itself with a 3 hour window on either side. Meat can be eaten by itself or with lots of garden fresh salad and/or non-starchy vegetables. Coffee is off the menu (okay, I haven't fully given up the coffee but I've replaced a good 70% with tea - which is acceptable for the plan). Dairy falls under the meat category and therefore eating cereal with milk is not ideal and should be avoided. Nuts make for a very good snack. Avoid processed foods including those devoid of any nutritional value (pop, chips, chocolate). Use non-pasturized honey to get you over the craving humps! In fact, honey is highly encouraged.

And voila, just like that I've dropped poundage.

Along with this I've been learning more about the body's ph levels. Come to find out disease can not live in an alkaline body. Fat doesn't like to hang around either! A ph of 7.0 to 7.6 is excellent, above this the body becomes too alkaline, causing equally harmful health effects. However, the chances of achieving alkalinity this high is close to impossibie (the standard American diet/lifestyle is highly acidic).

The eating style described above is in keeping with improving the alkalinity of the body as well as improving digestion (starches and meat protiens are NOT intestinal friends - this is part of the reason you feel like you're going to die after chowing down on Christmas dinner!) Especially if you limit the amout of animal protien being consumed (meat is very acidic, as is coffee) and cut out the processed stuff.

Now that I'm starting to get a handle on this way of eatting, I'm also getting serious about monitoring my ph. Tonight I tested my urine and had a level of 6.5. I've got my work cut out for me! While in the city this weekend I picked up a water supplement called Cellfood. It was recommended in the Ultimate pH Solution book that I read recently. Apparently it is helpful with restoring optimal pH levels.

I'm not going to test again until next weekend and my goal is to take the Cellfood 'as directed' for the entire week. I'm very interested to see if there is any change.

Looking for more information? Check out http://www.cellfood.com/ and http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977193128 .

Dry Well

It would be great if I had some inspirational words today. But they're ain't none. Truly clever and awesome. Again sorry. There's still nothing.

Compass

A person can easily get themselves caught up in their circumstances. Feel trapped. Think there is no way out. Berate themselves because their situation is basically good and yet they don't really want what they have. Worry that if they do let it all go, what lies around the corner will be the worser evil.

This kind of thinking creates a lot of self-doubt and general dis contentedness in life. It is good to want change and one must examine closely what they truly want and how to get there with the least amount of collateral damage. Our lives are intertwined and our actions do impact others - our families, our friends, our colleagues. Yet despite this, this is your life. You should get what you want out of it.

In the moment

It was a great day. The kind that makes you feel like you're doing what you should be and even better, that you're having success doing it.

Pretending Again

Lately I've been learning a lot, even though I'm not sure what to make of it all, yet anyway! There have been these moments when I've felt myself encapsulated in fear and not quite sure how to get out. During these times I've also re-experienced past shames that I hadn't thought of in years. Very strange and self-reproaching to find myself up close and personal with what should be long forgotten embarrassments and faux pas'. It has been a highly deja-vu'ish experience in humiliation. Memories I'd prefer to not have surface. Memories that hurt you like small stabs at the heart of your being.

The worst is over now, but at the height of my 'illness' I was feeling more than just physically bad. It was as though I lost all of my defenses, the shields were down and the energy field had been disrupted (to nerdily borrow a metaphor from Star Trek). Despite my life philosophy of reaping what you sow, I was unable to sow anything other than doubt, fear and shame - which if you're an LOA'er you know that thinking on such just brings you more of the same. Regardless, my thought patterns refused to be changed. Also, during that time, Jeremy was away and I needed him with an intensity I have not experienced in quite some time.

I'm trying to work this out. And I may need help to do so. Something beside just normal life has been at play. Even though I want to be a brave person, my deepest fear is that I'm not. That I keep taking the easy way out when I never used to do that. That I'm not trusting in myself to be enough, that I can do it, that I can take care of myself. There is much anxiety in side me about being completely honest and asking for what I need to experience. I'm tied into too many other peoples expectations and holding myself to what I think their standard of judgement will be.

That may just have been a break-through!

Rome-ing Around

I just booked what I hope will be a mind-blowingly fabulous trip to Rome this summer! I've never been to Europe, so Italy seems as good a place as any to begin. Have you ever been? Any suggestions on what to and what not-to do?

In the meantime, check out our rad accommodations: www.kolbehotelrome.com It was once a monastery that has since been converted into a boutique hotel that sits right behind the Roman Forum!

Life is good.

HOME

When I think of home, this is the image that inundates my brain. I'm a little homesick tonight.

I've been sick for several weeks now. It has eaten me up and spit me back out without so much as a wham-bam-thank-you-mam!

These weeks have been miserable. I've experienced some pretty rough and raw emotions, and none of them the good ones! I've felt my energy levels drop below zero. This barrel had nothing left to scrape. Everyday just breathing was laborious and exhaust inducing.

My voice was taken from me and replaced with the raspy, phlegmy gurglings of one who has smoked unfiltereds for 50 years.

I've coughed til my back muscled spasmed in protest. Yet I had to keep coughing to get some of the bad stuff out of me.

I've begged to be restored. Only to get sicker. I've cried from the oppression of the fear and loneliness that takes hold in dark nights of waking while everyone else sleeps around you. You watch your frustrations grow, murky in dreams that give no rest - and you know you still have to go to work the next morning.

Today is better. It seems to be breaking up.

I have a lot of thoughts to chew on. There must be something here from which I'm meant to grow.

Honouring the Inner YOU

On a personal level, I've always been somewhat disconsolate. I go through phases where reaching out and being social comes more easily and I doubt most would perceive me as anti-social (as I am as good a pretender as the next). It is however in this 'pretending' that I hide a good portion of the 'me' people think they know. In my mind I'm always outside the circle of mainstream. This is not a burden to me, inside would be much more difficult I assure you!

*

Does that make me manipulative and fake and inauthentic? Yes, sometimes. No, sometimes. But more in a self-preservation type of way. It is more likely that I will study my surroundings, take the temperature of the encompassing personalities and start formulating who is trustable and who is most likely to share my own interests and ideals. It is with these feelers that I actively assess the dangerous people and intuitively slide away from them without so much as a ripple above the water.

*

For as long as I can remember, I have had this gift. I say gift, because as an observer of daily social interactions amongst 8 year olds, it is not something I see in plenitude. Although it is there, and sometimes I want to tell those kids to hone that talent as it will serve them well throughout their life. Trying to explain the concept of observing and evaluating without disturbing the currents of life in the fray, seems beyond challenging for the mere reason that it takes a high degree of self-esteem/worth to be able to step back from the madding crowd.

*

One thing I have noticed is that like does attract like.

If it makes you happy...

I've been back to having a shoulder problem. Major relapse this week coupled with a C3 (neck vertebra) badly out of place - requiring 3 daily adjustments in a row. Add to this, on Friday I managed to stress myself out quite thoroughly when marking some tests for my students. I was beyond frustrated about their inability (generalization) to write a decent response in sentence form to a question in which they missed the meaning of entirely. Grr.

After having spent several hours analyzing the situation and talking myself back down off the ledge... forcing them to do a test in the last 20 minutes of class on the threshold of a long weekend, just may have been a mitigating factor!!! (Yah think?) So I'm going to stop hinging my fear-of-failure and success-at-their-cost on a few poorly constructed prose. Life moves on and I'm sure the kids (who are for the most part fantastic little writers) didn't let it get them down once it was over and handed in!

This morning I gave my 'dear ol' auntie Clara' a call on the phone. We really haven't conversed in detail since the onset of my shoulder affliction. I think Clara is an amazing woman. She is well read and knows a lot about energy and healing and the link between mind and body - her house is accented in a variety of rocks and crystals, she has no problem walking to the beat of her own drum. I love her for that. It is with her that I first became interested in exploring a sub-surface world.

A lot of my frustration has been with recurrence and relapsing back to a pre-therapy condition. I have spent quite literally over a thousand dollars in treatment, only to make little or no gains. So she asked me a few pointed questions. My problem is on the left side (and at times affects my entire left side) which is the feminine side of the body. Pain in the body indicates something deep and personal that I need to deal with. Pain is also associated with fear, anger and resentment. Something I am holding on to but don't need to. Perhaps breaking down under the weight of what I no longer need to bear. She said I need to talk to my shoulder and ask it in conversation to reveal to me what is subconsciously impairing and misshaping my form (the pain causes me to hold myself at awkward angles). She also told me that all the tools I need for healing I already possess - outside intervention is only acting as a diversion. With every failed treatment my discouragement grows.

I really think that she is right. Immediately something came to mind (which I am not at liberty to discuss publicly) and we were able to talk about the intense feelings I've had on the situation. This 'thing' has been on-going since December and although it has formally finished, there are still a couple of loose ends. Ends outside of my control. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it was horrible but suffice it to say, it was not something I wanted to do and have had negative feelings about from the gate. From beginning to end I considered it an energy and creativity blocker.

Remarkably, even as we were talking I could feel the pain subsiding in my shoulder.

Intuitively I have known that this problem was not injury based. Regardless, one of my experts tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that it was, so that I could fit his understanding of how the body works.

Whether or not I have hit the nail directly, I know for certain that sitting her, fingers flying across this keyboard, my pain is substantially less than it was this morning when I woke up. I've taken no pain medication today.

Honestly, I can't help but be in perpetual wonder of the unseen. It is as though we live among icebergs. We see these little 'things' that pop up above the surface from time to time, not giving due respect to the mass below the superficial.

Some days I am in serious need of a chill pill.

Journey

There is no shortage in life of learning opportunities. There is however, often an unwillingness on our part to embrace and learn from what is put right in front of us. In fact, some of us manage to stumble over the same lesson for years, kicking it around, growling at it and even telling it to piss off from time to time - yet it never goes completely away.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Teilhard de Chardin

*

A few years ago I lit onto this idea that our spirit is here to embrace a spiritual life through the lens of humanity. To have a human experience. To remember that we are spiritual beings first and foremost. Spiritually (not religiously) our human form has lessons to learn, these lessons are plentiful and free! This has marked a significant paradigm shift in my thinking.

*

If you can make this leap it will change your life. It will give you courage and freedom. For as far back as my memories can take me, I was always a child full of courage, thinking and embracing and in search of ways to be free. I purposefully sought out the things that made me strong and fueled my senses about the world in general.

*

I grew up Christian and for that I am most thankful. Primarily because my parents have an unwavering faith in things 'unseen'. To embrace a spiritual life, one must first believe in a world beyond what we can see and touch. I was brought up to believe in prayer and that praying to God can change our world, as he is lovingly interested in bettering our lives.

*

So in many regards, the principles by which I was raised are in essence the same as what I believe today. I've dropped a few things, like heaven and hell and being redeemed and now ascribe to a more gnostic theism, choosing to acknowledge that we are all god-like, we came from a source and will return to a source, that source remains with us throughout our human journey.

*

It is throughout this journey that we have opportunity to connect to this source. To find strength and courage to solve our problems and live better lives. Lives of peaceful determination, always testing our mettle, expanding our experiences and finding joyful contentment. Life should be about these things and yet so often it becomes about our fear of failing. When we fear failure we lose our determination, we shrink back before we can see what we're made of, we live with scarcity and loss, holding so tight that what is within our grasp trickles away.

*

A spiritual life is open for business, so to speak. It welcomes and encourages. It has a prosperity mindset that interprets the world as already having everything that we need. It espouses a world we cannot see that enables us to direct and attract the kind of life we wish to live.

Living a spiritual life is paradoxical - it is power in that you are the creator and as creator you make it what you want it to be. For some the concept of creating our life may seem foreign or even blasphemous, yet we (according to the bible) were created in his (creator) image, why should we not share in what we consider to be God's defining quality? All around us, it is the creative force of what is possible that stand as our inspirations for life.

*

A spiritual life is also about letting go, which on the surface may seem in direct opposition to power. Letting go means that you stop competing with your neighbors and yourself and start living on a plane of creative thought. Letting go may involve a few rounds with your ego and reputation. When you first begin changing the way you think, you will quickly find that 'leggo the eggo' is not for the meek of heart!

*

So think about your life for a bit? Are you happy? What have you been kicking around for years that you need to learn from or confront your fear of? Have you crafted a life you embrace and enjoy? Is it balanced or do you live only for the weekend? Do you experience courage and freedom and have avenues to direct these qualities?

*

I know for many of my readers these are not new ideas. In reality they are very old ideas, not modern at all! For further reading I suggest Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention.

There comes a point at which you can just no longer stand the sound of your own bullshit. Wanted: Desperately seeking new shit.

Happiness is a choice. Just not one most of us make. Quite sad, really.

Shared

Although I enjoy the good times in life, I know that these are not the times that make us grow. They are not the fertilizer in our soil or the rain that waters our roots.

Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.

As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.

Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.

I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.

In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.

Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.

When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.

I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.

xo

On the mend?

I'm almost afraid to vocalize it but I think I might be on an upswing! Oh, sweet serenity! wouldn't that be a novel and welcome change in direction!

This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.

Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.

I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.

Challenge III

I'm happy to say that I survived my week without sugar. There were only 2 nights out of the 7 that I really struggled. The Wednesday when I had been out with colleagues and than again Friday evening - I can't even articulate how badly I wanted some Breyer's Heavenly Hash ice cream! By Saturday morning I was happy that I hadn't given in, I would have been gravely disappointed in myself.

This morning I was discussing with husband how frustrated I've been of late. Since early January I have gained close to 10 lbs, topping myself out on the scale at an all time high (160.2 lbs). I've also been extremely tired. In a recent post I detailed how I've been functioning on 2 cylinders and there are days when even they seem to be crapping out.

So I am in the process of a life review. Obviously I am not happy about gaining 10 lbs but it goes deeper than that. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to be proud of the choices I make about my health and what I deserve out of life. Right now I'm limited as to which clothes I am able to wear that are hanging in my closet. I'm also fighting constant fatigue. There are so many things I am happy/content with in general - such as my job, my friends, my husband... yet.... There are days I am just so tired all I do is make it through the day, forget about even contacting friends and having a life beside. This has been going on for months.

The question I am asking this week is - how can this be fixed? What aspects of my life can I identify so as to make changes and improve how I feel and increase the hours of sleep I get on a regular basis?

Perhaps I should first of all explain the sleep situation. I do not suffer insomnia every night. I will have a bought of insomnia and then spend a week sleeping like the dead with a sleep hangover that is equally as exhausting as the insomnia. One week I can't fall asleep, the next I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of bed and on with the day. Right now I am in the later phase.

So, this week the challenge I am setting is to write down everything that I eat and drink for 7 days. I'm going to record them right here on my blog. I'm also going to include daily supplements of an omega 3-6-9 blend and vitamin D3 along with 1/2 cup of acai juice blend from MonaVie. I will record the quality of sleep I had on the previous night and detail stressors I am encountering. I also plan to add commentary on how the day went and affects of particular foods should there be any noticeable cause and effect.

I hope that just the process of writing down what I eat and publicly proclaiming it will help me to make better choices - we'll see. Sometimes I convince myself that I eat so well there is nothing to restrict or cut out, deep down I know this is delusional thinking. My week without sugar showed me all too clearly that there is much to which I should say "no thanks"!

I am not discounting the possibility of medical diagnosis for the fatigue. I very well may have low iron or low thyroid. In May I am scheduled for a medical that will check these along with a variety of other functions. For the time being however, I'm not going to let either of those be factors. I was told recently that thyroid medications are the most over prescribed of all phramacueticals (not sure if this is true but it does sound reasonable), the problem is that once you start such meds your body makes even less. It would not surprise me if the answer for thyroid is in diet - if we all ate like nature intended we probably wouldn't need the medical community at all.

Challenge #2

So you thought I'd given up on the 7 Day Challenge, didn't you!!! Do not fear, in fact I am on one right now. 7 days without refined sugars or honey. I'm already on day 5. And in all honesty, I've shown remarkable restraint if I do say so myself!

Sugar for me is an insidious little thing. It finds me in the form of chocolate and treats that aren't overly sweet, but of which I can eat mass quantities! Like if I bake something I like a lot, good chance that I'll polish it off within a couple of days.

Up until I turned 30 my metabolism was red hot, I could eat anything and just burn it off. I noticed a difference between 30 and 35. Since 35 til now, as best it is luke warm. *cry cry cry* This is not the first time I've gone without sugar. At least once a year I do a cleanse - that is really tough because along with the sugar goes anything white (rice & bread), milk products and red meat. That is a long 2 weeks!

So far, this challenge has been pretty easy. The only cheat was that I used flavored yogurt instead of plain in a smoothie I made today (I forgot to buy plain, which I actually prefer in smoothies). I'm still eating fruit (no juice) in moderation. Last night I was out with colleagues for a diner meeting, most of them had dessert. That was a bit tough. When I got home I had an urge to search the house for the left over peanut M&Ms I made Jeremy hide last week (so I wouldn't eat them all)! I abstained and worked through the craving.

Have you been giving any thoughts to a challenge? I'm thinking my next one will be 7 days of yoga.

Namaste

In and Out

I think lately I've been forgetting to breathe.

My whole body is uptight, clenched almost. As for sleep, forget it - whirling through my mind at 2 am is an endless reel of nothingness that refuses to stop. I feel like I'm down to two shoddy cylinders at best. Oh to run on four again! Six is too elusive to even imagine.

I'm a naturally high strung person. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It just seems to be the way I'm programmed. Probably one of the reasons I have loved yoga so much is that it targets this area with calmness and serenity. Takes me outside of myself and helps to insulate all my frays.

This shoulder situation has taken more of a toll than I would like to admit. Last night I had another physio session and he told me I had to stop being afraid to do the things I did before the injury. It sucks when someone else tells you the fears you have to face. Like there aren't enough that I already know about, now someone else is keeping score too! I think this is where much of the tension is coming from - for a week I held my body rigid so as not to inflict additional pain and now that that is not necessary I still can't quite let it go.

So for the next several days I am going to consciously try and breathe. Just breathe. And let everything else fall away.

Mish-Mash Update

I'm tired.

And heavy-hearted, today.

Somehow that seems to be enough said. The last 4 weeks have been gruelling. Although my arms are feeling much improved, I'm now in physio for the next six weeks. The good news is that I have resumed my running and am easily ticking off 300+ calories in a 30 minute session. Our bodies are amazing machines, their resiliency is remarkable.

I always swore I would never run. That I hated it! I've always been a walker so to suddenly find myself running - and enjoying it no less - comes as a surprise I would never have expected. A most pleasant one in deed. And I've found a time of day that really works for me - somewhere between 4 and 5 in the evening.

My mom called this morning to let me know that my dad's eye has been causing him problems again. A few years ago he lost the sight in his left eye due to a stroke that affected his eye only - no other impact on his body or brain. It resulted in months of painful therapy and elevated eye pressure - for which he need laser surgery that actually burned a hole through the eye to allow draining and relieve the pressure. He had to have the procedure done in Halifax where we were living at the time. His recovery took place at our house - I'm not sure who it was harder on. Obviously him, but to see a man so strong rendered so helpless - not to mention the pain (he was awake for the procedure and no pain meds could be administered) that ensued throughout and afterward was heart breaking.

The call this morning was to let me know that the pressure is once again up in the damaged eye and his good eye is also elevated. I am absolutely terrified that my father could lose the vision in his good eye. I can't even go there. There are two solutions being considered. One is to put a stint or permanent drain in the eye or to remove the eye all together. Today he has gone to talk to a couple of people who have had similar surgeries in the recent past. The consensus in my family is that he should have the eye removed. I think they would then be better able to monitor his good eye for changes without wondering if its elevated pressure is linked to the damaged one.

For the most part, my family has suffered very little when it comes to personal tragedy or sickness. For this I am most thankful. I know that there are lessons to be learned - like dependence and pulling together and facing your fears in uncertain times. The most difficult part is that our worlds are these self-made vortexes that don't stop - we somehow get them wound so tight that when we need to break free of them to care for ourselves or the ones we love, their forces are so strong that they keep pulling us back in - dividing our hearts and minds.

May peace abound fully with you today. Namaste.

what the hell happened?

Ok. So I was trekking along swimmingly on my 7 day challenge. And then. This is almost unbelievable but I partially dislocated my left shoulder. For real. Four days later, the same thing happened to my right shoulder. Truth!

How did this happen? (I know you are dying to know). Honestly I'm not quite sure. After my 400 cal workout on Tuesday I did a few wide stance push-ups. Later on that evening my arm started bothering me, almost as though it was hanging there somewhat dead (ever get a flu shot? cause it felt a lot like that).

Thankfully I have a friend who is a chiropractor (and a very good one). On Wednesday morning I went to his office and sure enough it was out of place and he 'popped' it back in. I returned to school and carried on as I always do. Later that same night I hosted a baby shower for a friend and proceeded to clean up the house. By 8pm I was in pain. By 9pm, shear agony. The pain was actually so bad throughout the night that I cried. No amount of advil would overcome. I spend the next two days on sick leave nursing myself back to health and going for daily adjustments.

Just when I was on the mend and getting the use of my left arm back... my right arm did exactly the same thing. Two more days of anguish and adjustments.

I would have loved to take another day off from school but that gets tricky. I hate being away from my class too long and it is a pain in the ass to plan for someone to do the job that I do without even thinking about it. So I went but I felt quite terrible, almost flu-ish. Yesterday and today were better but my arms feel heavy and moving them about is still somewhat laborious.

For the life of me I don't know what happened. The first arm I can possibly attribute to the push-ups. But the second? No way.

So for whatever reason - perhaps a wrinkle in the cosmic fabric of time - I spent the better part of last week not achieving my goals but rather trying to find comfortable positions to sit and sleep in without screaming out in pain!

Good news - I got back on the beast tonight and logged 330 cals. Life goes on.

conquered - day 4 that is

So much better today. I drug my butt out of bed at the regular time - about 7:20 and sat in a semi-conscious state for half an hour nursing a coffee and chatting with husband. This is definitely the way I am meant to ease myself into the world each day. Screw running!

Tonight I opted to watch Oprah while getting in my 400 cals. It was an okay choice but I do prefer listening to music. I find there is a lot less clock watching and more actual enjoyment of the exercising this way - music makes it feel more like dancing and along with that comes a freedom of spirit that is quite nice indeed. Somehow it feels more like reaching for greater things rather than pushing myself to perform. I'd rather reach.

time on t-mill: 40:00

distance travelled: 2.955 miles or 4.728km

calories burned: 405.6

avg cal/min: 10.14

day 3

Today was terrible. Horrible. Awful. It completely sucked!

Something I know about myself and have known for a very long time is that I don't enjoy exercising in the morning. I never have and I'm pretty certain that is not going to change. So why then, I keep asking myself, did I consciously go against that which I already know? Apparently I'm an IDIOT!!!!!

Given that I'm back in the work week I thought I'd do myself a favor and split my 400 calories between morning and evening. All it did was cause me to NOT have time for my morning coffee and be late and irritable for the rest of the day. Seriously, it affected me for hours. I was tired all day, cranky and I just could not seem to suck it up and move on. I'm so NOT doing that tomorrow! Just thinking about it pisses me off. To think I stopped acting like a rational person over the 20 stupid minutes I spent on the treadmill. I sure hope at least some of this can be attributed to pms.

On top of this my left hip flexor is not very happy about the increased activity. I basically dragged my leg behind me wherever I went this afternoon. Tonight I took an Epsom salt soak as an appeasement to the hip flexor god - a lesser god that thinks its all about him at the moment.

None-the-less I did it. Day 3 is over and I pulled it out. It wasn't pretty by even the slightest stretch of the imagination. Whatever... I rock!

Time on t-mill: 40:27

Calories burned: 400.3

Distance traveled: 2.718 miles or 4.35 km

Avg cal/min: 9.88

challenge 1 - day 1 & 2

So I got a jump start on the treadmill challenge. I was in the mood yesterday and thought I should strike while the iron was hot (I wonder where that expression came from?).

Day 1 (Saturday)

Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.

Here is how it played out...

Time on t-mill: 40:16

Calories burned: 400.0

Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km

Avg cal/min: 9.93


Day 2 (Sunday)

Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.

Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.

Time on t-mill: 40:00

Calories burned: 414.3

Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km

Avg cal/min: 10.36

Challenge #1

So, after great deliberation we have made a decision! Our first challenge will combine calories burnt on the treadmill and water consumed during the day. Nothing too excited but tough enough, just the same.

Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.

So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.

The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.

Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.

Will keep you posted. :-)

7 days

We just got back from another marathon trip to the city. Eight hours there and eight hours back! Now most (sensible) people would consider this to be ludicrous. And admittedly there is a piece of me that does as well.

But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.

One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.

Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.

So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.

The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.

Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.

In the Meantime...

January is a month filled with new beginning exultation! Quite fabulous really. A collective pause in our shared psyche as we consider the why, the how and the when of life improvement! One only has to turn on the tv for 5 minutes to see countless commercials all geared toward making our latest dreams come true! Gym memberships, Jenny Craig and innumerable infomercials that wrap up the will power required with a beautiful bow.

So what about you? Do you resolve?

I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!

Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!

Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.

Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.

Not me. This year I will try and...

exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!

I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.

I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.

We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.

Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.

I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela

For my best friend

just a couple of more days off. then back to work and routine. i don't really like routines, although i seem to need them. otherwise i don't get a whole lot accomplished besides rambling around inside my own head thinking.

the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.

my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.

i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.

i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.

this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...

you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

An Almost Unbearably True Christmas Tale

Yesterday was the final day before holiday break. I watched the clock with my breath held inside my chest the entire day. Anticipating the release that final bell would bring. The north has been unbearably frigid and for a week now the children have been cooped up inside, too cold to venture out for even 10 minutes at recess.

Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.

He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.

The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.

I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.

As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.

Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.

Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?

Servitude

A rare day off! In fact I'm officially 'sick daying' it. And my mind is free! Oh the directions my thoughts can take, they have been bound up and were starting to come undone.

Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.

Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.

I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.

That oh so familiar yearning is back.

Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?

I'm torn.

That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'

All day I've been wanting to sit and write yet keep finding other things to do instead. Now I'm out of words and a bit nervous they are not coming back.

I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.

Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.

Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door

Close your eyes

Clear your heart

Cut the chord

Are we human or are we dancers?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answers

Are we human or are we dancers?

Human, The Killers

giving cheer

Over the last few years I have struggled to find anything I really care for about Christmas. I've been an utter party pooper about any and all festivities. Last year I didn't even buy Jeremy a gift! Gee, that sounds really bad when I vocalize it on paper.

I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.

So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?

If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.

Standing There Pretending

Do you ever feel like you spend your life pretending? That the real you, stands shrouded in the shadows, while the public persona of yourself runs your life, busying itself with the affairs of the world and playing by standardized rules?

I've always desired, above all else, to pull myself out of the shadows and and to stop standing in any given place, pretending to be what I am not.

Perhaps, the most difficult of things to do, is to stop standing there pretending and be who you authentically are.

But do you know who you authentically are?

Until you do, you are destined to pretend. Our world systems are not interested in authenticity. In fact, they abhor it and reward the opposite - look at Wall, even now after days of devastating market blowouts and loss of faith by people around the globe, continues to reward the greed and actions of those in direct violation of an authentic self. I'm certain there are many ceo's sleeping soundly at night in opulent surroundings whose conscience has lost all ability to discern right from wrong. They know only money, not themselves.

Authenticity takes time. To know thyself is not on the short-order cook's menu.

If you seek it, it will come. But the price is high. Pretending is much easier. Pretending is best done by copying the actions of others without thoughtful reflection of them. Authenticity is your own drum, even for those of us who are beat challenged and tone-deaf.

Think about the many ways and situations in which you are able to encourage your authentic self. Nurture these and give them room to grow. You may find the the pretending begins to diminish and lose its shine.

Namaste.

Is the Best yet to be?

Like many, I wonder about my life and how it is unfolding. Am I making the right choices right now? How will it all turn out? Is there hope that in the future I will be able to slow down and spend a bit of extra time smelling the wildflowers as I drive along unchartered roads (not highways)? Should I be buying real estate today that in 25 years time I could not possibly afford? Will I be alone? With the same person? Or with someone new? Will I be able to afford the kind of life I want to live?

My apologies if I have already exhausted you before you've even gotten to the 2nd paragraph. But I'm quite certain that I am not the only one whose mind gets way-layed by such overwhelming thoughts. My past mistakes don't ever concern me much. And, I embrace the present. In my line of work one cannot help but take hold of what is right in front of them as it is so demanding of attention that it is impossible to turn away from it.

But on a down day, like today... a much needed down day in which I have forced myself to rock the fashionable yoga pant and hooded sweat and pile my hair haplessly atop my head... it is today when I have a chance to think and even be a little bored that I wonder about all of the above.

There are times when we need to take ourselves seriously. Even if it is just for a day. And give due consideration to those worries in life. Does it change their outcomes? Maybe. Does it give me pause? Definitely. If I don't take the wheel, then who?

I know all of this comes from fear. But fear can be a motivating force. As much as we want to be fearless - whom among us really is? And should we aspire to it? Does compromising on certain aspects of our lives detract from other parts? Or, does the compromise actually enhance other areas? It is a tough question to answer with certainty. I know many people who have followed desire down a dead end road, causing much carnage along the way.

Welcome friends, to my bipolar musings. ;-)

What makes you happy? I'm finding out that YES! It is possible!

Once again, I am working an insane amount. And yet, I'm finding my creativity through work, this incredible freedom to uniquely express myself and have others praise me for it! It is a strange dynamic at play, which in turn is making work more like play.

Yes, it is still work. But rather than getting bogged down by the hours and commitment required, I find my self caught in the most rewarding groove. The more I give to it, the more fun it becomes. The more I notice a circle of influence taking shape around me.

Is the secret to life self-expression? It it the key everyone is searching for and so few are able to turn?

Namaste.