Monday, December 08, 2008

That oh so familiar yearning is back.

Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?

I'm torn.

That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'


Terri said...

Hello my dear - oh my, you are sounding a bit lost. I am not saying that as a bad thing - maybe more like Welcome Back. I was worried you had gone and found happiness, so it is nice to have you back to misery. Hehe. No, I don't wish you ill. You are just a horribly introspective and observant person like me and you will never be content in this world. Not unless you fake it, of course. I think the real authentic you is the person who isn't happy with the same shit everyone else is. You want more, but you don't know what. Me too. I want to be alone most of the time. I hate being around people, who either make me feel bored or inadequate - not that I am lacking, but they possess some social worthiness that I think is BS, and know I cannot compare - because I don't want to.

It is hard not fitting in. But I think the best contentment, the best being oneselfness, for me at least, is exactly this struggle. When I am feeling inadequate and angry and un-content and pissed off at the world, it is actually the most real me. Then, I can actually find this Hell hole beautiful. In other words, your discontent is your solace. It's mine anyway. I am most me when I am feeling lost. I wish I could be one of those HAPPY types and I try to be well-adjusted, but the fact is, I don't belong on this planet. And once I made that realization, it all made sense. : )

Hang in there. Your pendulum swings wide and low, but also high, like mine. xo T.

serenity said...

I'm not sure my answer to the question really matters all that much. My challenge isn't to figure out whether I make mistakes (because I'm convinced I do, and a lot of them) bigger question is how not to mercilessly beat myself up for them for indefinite periods of time.

There are a lot of dimensions to a person...if any of us is really honest with ourselves none of us is really what we present on the outside...we all wear different hats at different times...some people are just better able to hide a lot than others...but there are usually cracks and consequences to the cover-up.

Jesus wept...he also laughed. Jesus was fearful...he was also courageous. Jesus was peaceful...he was also pissed off.

The tides turn in everyone.

Smarts said...

Hello my dear friends. Ah, yes tis true, my seasons of discontent are infact my seasons of content - which can make for a disturbing person to live with. :-)

I don't think I want happiness at the core of it all, although I have to admit that fleeting moments of it are indeed filled with a welcome bliss. It is nice to find that space that just hangs there in nirvana.

I like the not knowing quite who or what I am - apart from a solacing melancholy that I oft carry around like a security blanket. (I like disagreeing with my superiors who of course think themselves brillant shining stars in my surrounding bureaucracy - how sad.)

Recently, I don't care about the fitting in - the struggle is mine and I have the philosophical edge! Oh the vanity!