I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.
But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.
Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.
"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson
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