Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I've been sick for several weeks now. It has eaten me up and spit me back out without so much as a wham-bam-thank-you-mam!
These weeks have been miserable. I've experienced some pretty rough and raw emotions, and none of them the good ones! I've felt my energy levels drop below zero. This barrel had nothing left to scrape. Everyday just breathing was laborious and exhaust inducing.
My voice was taken from me and replaced with the raspy, phlegmy gurglings of one who has smoked unfiltereds for 50 years.
I've coughed til my back muscled spasmed in protest. Yet I had to keep coughing to get some of the bad stuff out of me.
These weeks have been miserable. I've experienced some pretty rough and raw emotions, and none of them the good ones! I've felt my energy levels drop below zero. This barrel had nothing left to scrape. Everyday just breathing was laborious and exhaust inducing.
My voice was taken from me and replaced with the raspy, phlegmy gurglings of one who has smoked unfiltereds for 50 years.
I've coughed til my back muscled spasmed in protest. Yet I had to keep coughing to get some of the bad stuff out of me.
I've begged to be restored. Only to get sicker. I've cried from the oppression of the fear and loneliness that takes hold in dark nights of waking while everyone else sleeps around you. You watch your frustrations grow, murky in dreams that give no rest - and you know you still have to go to work the next morning.
Today is better. It seems to be breaking up.
I have a lot of thoughts to chew on. There must be something here from which I'm meant to grow.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Honouring the Inner YOU
On a personal level, I've always been somewhat disconsolate. I go through phases where reaching out and being social comes more easily and I doubt most would perceive me as anti-social (as I am as good a pretender as the next). It is however in this 'pretending' that I hide a good portion of the 'me' people think they know. In my mind I'm always outside the circle of mainstream. This is not a burden to me, inside would be much more difficult I assure you!
*
Does that make me manipulative and fake and inauthentic? Yes, sometimes. No, sometimes. But more in a self-preservation type of way. It is more likely that I will study my surroundings, take the temperature of the encompassing personalities and start formulating who is trustable and who is most likely to share my own interests and ideals. It is with these feelers that I actively assess the dangerous people and intuitively slide away from them without so much as a ripple above the water.
*
For as long as I can remember, I have had this gift. I say gift, because as an observer of daily social interactions amongst 8 year olds, it is not something I see in plenitude. Although it is there, and sometimes I want to tell those kids to hone that talent as it will serve them well throughout their life. Trying to explain the concept of observing and evaluating without disturbing the currents of life in the fray, seems beyond challenging for the mere reason that it takes a high degree of self-esteem/worth to be able to step back from the madding crowd.
*
One thing I have noticed is that like does attract like.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
If it makes you happy...
I've been back to having a shoulder problem. Major relapse this week coupled with a C3 (neck vertebra) badly out of place - requiring 3 daily adjustments in a row. Add to this, on Friday I managed to stress myself out quite thoroughly when marking some tests for my students. I was beyond frustrated about their inability (generalization) to write a decent response in sentence form to a question in which they missed the meaning of entirely. Grr.
After having spent several hours analyzing the situation and talking myself back down off the ledge... forcing them to do a test in the last 20 minutes of class on the threshold of a long weekend, just may have been a mitigating factor!!! (Yah think?) So I'm going to stop hinging my fear-of-failure and success-at-their-cost on a few poorly constructed prose. Life moves on and I'm sure the kids (who are for the most part fantastic little writers) didn't let it get them down once it was over and handed in!
This morning I gave my 'dear ol' auntie Clara' a call on the phone. We really haven't conversed in detail since the onset of my shoulder affliction. I think Clara is an amazing woman. She is well read and knows a lot about energy and healing and the link between mind and body - her house is accented in a variety of rocks and crystals, she has no problem walking to the beat of her own drum. I love her for that. It is with her that I first became interested in exploring a sub-surface world.
A lot of my frustration has been with recurrence and relapsing back to a pre-therapy condition. I have spent quite literally over a thousand dollars in treatment, only to make little or no gains. So she asked me a few pointed questions. My problem is on the left side (and at times affects my entire left side) which is the feminine side of the body. Pain in the body indicates something deep and personal that I need to deal with. Pain is also associated with fear, anger and resentment. Something I am holding on to but don't need to. Perhaps breaking down under the weight of what I no longer need to bear. She said I need to talk to my shoulder and ask it in conversation to reveal to me what is subconsciously impairing and misshaping my form (the pain causes me to hold myself at awkward angles). She also told me that all the tools I need for healing I already possess - outside intervention is only acting as a diversion. With every failed treatment my discouragement grows.
I really think that she is right. Immediately something came to mind (which I am not at liberty to discuss publicly) and we were able to talk about the intense feelings I've had on the situation. This 'thing' has been on-going since December and although it has formally finished, there are still a couple of loose ends. Ends outside of my control. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it was horrible but suffice it to say, it was not something I wanted to do and have had negative feelings about from the gate. From beginning to end I considered it an energy and creativity blocker.
Remarkably, even as we were talking I could feel the pain subsiding in my shoulder.
Intuitively I have known that this problem was not injury based. Regardless, one of my experts tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that it was, so that I could fit his understanding of how the body works.
Whether or not I have hit the nail directly, I know for certain that sitting her, fingers flying across this keyboard, my pain is substantially less than it was this morning when I woke up. I've taken no pain medication today.
Honestly, I can't help but be in perpetual wonder of the unseen. It is as though we live among icebergs. We see these little 'things' that pop up above the surface from time to time, not giving due respect to the mass below the superficial.
Some days I am in serious need of a chill pill.
After having spent several hours analyzing the situation and talking myself back down off the ledge... forcing them to do a test in the last 20 minutes of class on the threshold of a long weekend, just may have been a mitigating factor!!! (Yah think?) So I'm going to stop hinging my fear-of-failure and success-at-their-cost on a few poorly constructed prose. Life moves on and I'm sure the kids (who are for the most part fantastic little writers) didn't let it get them down once it was over and handed in!
This morning I gave my 'dear ol' auntie Clara' a call on the phone. We really haven't conversed in detail since the onset of my shoulder affliction. I think Clara is an amazing woman. She is well read and knows a lot about energy and healing and the link between mind and body - her house is accented in a variety of rocks and crystals, she has no problem walking to the beat of her own drum. I love her for that. It is with her that I first became interested in exploring a sub-surface world.
A lot of my frustration has been with recurrence and relapsing back to a pre-therapy condition. I have spent quite literally over a thousand dollars in treatment, only to make little or no gains. So she asked me a few pointed questions. My problem is on the left side (and at times affects my entire left side) which is the feminine side of the body. Pain in the body indicates something deep and personal that I need to deal with. Pain is also associated with fear, anger and resentment. Something I am holding on to but don't need to. Perhaps breaking down under the weight of what I no longer need to bear. She said I need to talk to my shoulder and ask it in conversation to reveal to me what is subconsciously impairing and misshaping my form (the pain causes me to hold myself at awkward angles). She also told me that all the tools I need for healing I already possess - outside intervention is only acting as a diversion. With every failed treatment my discouragement grows.
I really think that she is right. Immediately something came to mind (which I am not at liberty to discuss publicly) and we were able to talk about the intense feelings I've had on the situation. This 'thing' has been on-going since December and although it has formally finished, there are still a couple of loose ends. Ends outside of my control. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it was horrible but suffice it to say, it was not something I wanted to do and have had negative feelings about from the gate. From beginning to end I considered it an energy and creativity blocker.
Remarkably, even as we were talking I could feel the pain subsiding in my shoulder.
Intuitively I have known that this problem was not injury based. Regardless, one of my experts tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that it was, so that I could fit his understanding of how the body works.
Whether or not I have hit the nail directly, I know for certain that sitting her, fingers flying across this keyboard, my pain is substantially less than it was this morning when I woke up. I've taken no pain medication today.
Honestly, I can't help but be in perpetual wonder of the unseen. It is as though we live among icebergs. We see these little 'things' that pop up above the surface from time to time, not giving due respect to the mass below the superficial.
Some days I am in serious need of a chill pill.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Journey
There is no shortage in life of learning opportunities. There is however, often an unwillingness on our part to embrace and learn from what is put right in front of us. In fact, some of us manage to stumble over the same lesson for years, kicking it around, growling at it and even telling it to piss off from time to time - yet it never goes completely away.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Teilhard de Chardin
*
A few years ago I lit onto this idea that our spirit is here to embrace a spiritual life through the lens of humanity. To have a human experience. To remember that we are spiritual beings first and foremost. Spiritually (not religiously) our human form has lessons to learn, these lessons are plentiful and free! This has marked a significant paradigm shift in my thinking.
*
If you can make this leap it will change your life. It will give you courage and freedom. For as far back as my memories can take me, I was always a child full of courage, thinking and embracing and in search of ways to be free. I purposefully sought out the things that made me strong and fueled my senses about the world in general.
*
I grew up Christian and for that I am most thankful. Primarily because my parents have an unwavering faith in things 'unseen'. To embrace a spiritual life, one must first believe in a world beyond what we can see and touch. I was brought up to believe in prayer and that praying to God can change our world, as he is lovingly interested in bettering our lives.
*
So in many regards, the principles by which I was raised are in essence the same as what I believe today. I've dropped a few things, like heaven and hell and being redeemed and now ascribe to a more gnostic theism, choosing to acknowledge that we are all god-like, we came from a source and will return to a source, that source remains with us throughout our human journey.
*
It is throughout this journey that we have opportunity to connect to this source. To find strength and courage to solve our problems and live better lives. Lives of peaceful determination, always testing our mettle, expanding our experiences and finding joyful contentment. Life should be about these things and yet so often it becomes about our fear of failing. When we fear failure we lose our determination, we shrink back before we can see what we're made of, we live with scarcity and loss, holding so tight that what is within our grasp trickles away.
*
A spiritual life is open for business, so to speak. It welcomes and encourages. It has a prosperity mindset that interprets the world as already having everything that we need. It espouses a world we cannot see that enables us to direct and attract the kind of life we wish to live.
Living a spiritual life is paradoxical - it is power in that you are the creator and as creator you make it what you want it to be. For some the concept of creating our life may seem foreign or even blasphemous, yet we (according to the bible) were created in his (creator) image, why should we not share in what we consider to be God's defining quality? All around us, it is the creative force of what is possible that stand as our inspirations for life.
*
A spiritual life is also about letting go, which on the surface may seem in direct opposition to power. Letting go means that you stop competing with your neighbors and yourself and start living on a plane of creative thought. Letting go may involve a few rounds with your ego and reputation. When you first begin changing the way you think, you will quickly find that 'leggo the eggo' is not for the meek of heart!
*
So think about your life for a bit? Are you happy? What have you been kicking around for years that you need to learn from or confront your fear of? Have you crafted a life you embrace and enjoy? Is it balanced or do you live only for the weekend? Do you experience courage and freedom and have avenues to direct these qualities?
*
I know for many of my readers these are not new ideas. In reality they are very old ideas, not modern at all! For further reading I suggest Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Shared
Although I enjoy the good times in life, I know that these are not the times that make us grow. They are not the fertilizer in our soil or the rain that waters our roots.
Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.
As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.
Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.
I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.
In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.
Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.
When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.
I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.
xo
Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.
As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.
Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.
I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.
In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.
Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.
When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.
I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.
xo
Saturday, April 04, 2009
On the mend?
I'm almost afraid to vocalize it but I think I might be on an upswing! Oh, sweet serenity! wouldn't that be a novel and welcome change in direction!
This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.
Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.
I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.
This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.
Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.
I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Challenge III
I'm happy to say that I survived my week without sugar. There were only 2 nights out of the 7 that I really struggled. The Wednesday when I had been out with colleagues and than again Friday evening - I can't even articulate how badly I wanted some Breyer's Heavenly Hash ice cream! By Saturday morning I was happy that I hadn't given in, I would have been gravely disappointed in myself.
This morning I was discussing with husband how frustrated I've been of late. Since early January I have gained close to 10 lbs, topping myself out on the scale at an all time high (160.2 lbs). I've also been extremely tired. In a recent post I detailed how I've been functioning on 2 cylinders and there are days when even they seem to be crapping out.
So I am in the process of a life review. Obviously I am not happy about gaining 10 lbs but it goes deeper than that. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to be proud of the choices I make about my health and what I deserve out of life. Right now I'm limited as to which clothes I am able to wear that are hanging in my closet. I'm also fighting constant fatigue. There are so many things I am happy/content with in general - such as my job, my friends, my husband... yet.... There are days I am just so tired all I do is make it through the day, forget about even contacting friends and having a life beside. This has been going on for months.
The question I am asking this week is - how can this be fixed? What aspects of my life can I identify so as to make changes and improve how I feel and increase the hours of sleep I get on a regular basis?
Perhaps I should first of all explain the sleep situation. I do not suffer insomnia every night. I will have a bought of insomnia and then spend a week sleeping like the dead with a sleep hangover that is equally as exhausting as the insomnia. One week I can't fall asleep, the next I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of bed and on with the day. Right now I am in the later phase.
So, this week the challenge I am setting is to write down everything that I eat and drink for 7 days. I'm going to record them right here on my blog. I'm also going to include daily supplements of an omega 3-6-9 blend and vitamin D3 along with 1/2 cup of acai juice blend from MonaVie. I will record the quality of sleep I had on the previous night and detail stressors I am encountering. I also plan to add commentary on how the day went and affects of particular foods should there be any noticeable cause and effect.
I hope that just the process of writing down what I eat and publicly proclaiming it will help me to make better choices - we'll see. Sometimes I convince myself that I eat so well there is nothing to restrict or cut out, deep down I know this is delusional thinking. My week without sugar showed me all too clearly that there is much to which I should say "no thanks"!
I am not discounting the possibility of medical diagnosis for the fatigue. I very well may have low iron or low thyroid. In May I am scheduled for a medical that will check these along with a variety of other functions. For the time being however, I'm not going to let either of those be factors. I was told recently that thyroid medications are the most over prescribed of all phramacueticals (not sure if this is true but it does sound reasonable), the problem is that once you start such meds your body makes even less. It would not surprise me if the answer for thyroid is in diet - if we all ate like nature intended we probably wouldn't need the medical community at all.
This morning I was discussing with husband how frustrated I've been of late. Since early January I have gained close to 10 lbs, topping myself out on the scale at an all time high (160.2 lbs). I've also been extremely tired. In a recent post I detailed how I've been functioning on 2 cylinders and there are days when even they seem to be crapping out.
So I am in the process of a life review. Obviously I am not happy about gaining 10 lbs but it goes deeper than that. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to be proud of the choices I make about my health and what I deserve out of life. Right now I'm limited as to which clothes I am able to wear that are hanging in my closet. I'm also fighting constant fatigue. There are so many things I am happy/content with in general - such as my job, my friends, my husband... yet.... There are days I am just so tired all I do is make it through the day, forget about even contacting friends and having a life beside. This has been going on for months.
The question I am asking this week is - how can this be fixed? What aspects of my life can I identify so as to make changes and improve how I feel and increase the hours of sleep I get on a regular basis?
Perhaps I should first of all explain the sleep situation. I do not suffer insomnia every night. I will have a bought of insomnia and then spend a week sleeping like the dead with a sleep hangover that is equally as exhausting as the insomnia. One week I can't fall asleep, the next I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of bed and on with the day. Right now I am in the later phase.
So, this week the challenge I am setting is to write down everything that I eat and drink for 7 days. I'm going to record them right here on my blog. I'm also going to include daily supplements of an omega 3-6-9 blend and vitamin D3 along with 1/2 cup of acai juice blend from MonaVie. I will record the quality of sleep I had on the previous night and detail stressors I am encountering. I also plan to add commentary on how the day went and affects of particular foods should there be any noticeable cause and effect.
I hope that just the process of writing down what I eat and publicly proclaiming it will help me to make better choices - we'll see. Sometimes I convince myself that I eat so well there is nothing to restrict or cut out, deep down I know this is delusional thinking. My week without sugar showed me all too clearly that there is much to which I should say "no thanks"!
I am not discounting the possibility of medical diagnosis for the fatigue. I very well may have low iron or low thyroid. In May I am scheduled for a medical that will check these along with a variety of other functions. For the time being however, I'm not going to let either of those be factors. I was told recently that thyroid medications are the most over prescribed of all phramacueticals (not sure if this is true but it does sound reasonable), the problem is that once you start such meds your body makes even less. It would not surprise me if the answer for thyroid is in diet - if we all ate like nature intended we probably wouldn't need the medical community at all.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Challenge #2
So you thought I'd given up on the 7 Day Challenge, didn't you!!! Do not fear, in fact I am on one right now. 7 days without refined sugars or honey. I'm already on day 5. And in all honesty, I've shown remarkable restraint if I do say so myself!
Sugar for me is an insidious little thing. It finds me in the form of chocolate and treats that aren't overly sweet, but of which I can eat mass quantities! Like if I bake something I like a lot, good chance that I'll polish it off within a couple of days.
Up until I turned 30 my metabolism was red hot, I could eat anything and just burn it off. I noticed a difference between 30 and 35. Since 35 til now, as best it is luke warm. *cry cry cry* This is not the first time I've gone without sugar. At least once a year I do a cleanse - that is really tough because along with the sugar goes anything white (rice & bread), milk products and red meat. That is a long 2 weeks!
So far, this challenge has been pretty easy. The only cheat was that I used flavored yogurt instead of plain in a smoothie I made today (I forgot to buy plain, which I actually prefer in smoothies). I'm still eating fruit (no juice) in moderation. Last night I was out with colleagues for a diner meeting, most of them had dessert. That was a bit tough. When I got home I had an urge to search the house for the left over peanut M&Ms I made Jeremy hide last week (so I wouldn't eat them all)! I abstained and worked through the craving.
Have you been giving any thoughts to a challenge? I'm thinking my next one will be 7 days of yoga.
Namaste
Sugar for me is an insidious little thing. It finds me in the form of chocolate and treats that aren't overly sweet, but of which I can eat mass quantities! Like if I bake something I like a lot, good chance that I'll polish it off within a couple of days.
Up until I turned 30 my metabolism was red hot, I could eat anything and just burn it off. I noticed a difference between 30 and 35. Since 35 til now, as best it is luke warm. *cry cry cry* This is not the first time I've gone without sugar. At least once a year I do a cleanse - that is really tough because along with the sugar goes anything white (rice & bread), milk products and red meat. That is a long 2 weeks!
So far, this challenge has been pretty easy. The only cheat was that I used flavored yogurt instead of plain in a smoothie I made today (I forgot to buy plain, which I actually prefer in smoothies). I'm still eating fruit (no juice) in moderation. Last night I was out with colleagues for a diner meeting, most of them had dessert. That was a bit tough. When I got home I had an urge to search the house for the left over peanut M&Ms I made Jeremy hide last week (so I wouldn't eat them all)! I abstained and worked through the craving.
Have you been giving any thoughts to a challenge? I'm thinking my next one will be 7 days of yoga.
Namaste
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In and Out
I think lately I've been forgetting to breathe.
My whole body is uptight, clenched almost. As for sleep, forget it - whirling through my mind at 2 am is an endless reel of nothingness that refuses to stop. I feel like I'm down to two shoddy cylinders at best. Oh to run on four again! Six is too elusive to even imagine.
I'm a naturally high strung person. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It just seems to be the way I'm programmed. Probably one of the reasons I have loved yoga so much is that it targets this area with calmness and serenity. Takes me outside of myself and helps to insulate all my frays.
This shoulder situation has taken more of a toll than I would like to admit. Last night I had another physio session and he told me I had to stop being afraid to do the things I did before the injury. It sucks when someone else tells you the fears you have to face. Like there aren't enough that I already know about, now someone else is keeping score too! I think this is where much of the tension is coming from - for a week I held my body rigid so as not to inflict additional pain and now that that is not necessary I still can't quite let it go.
So for the next several days I am going to consciously try and breathe. Just breathe. And let everything else fall away.
My whole body is uptight, clenched almost. As for sleep, forget it - whirling through my mind at 2 am is an endless reel of nothingness that refuses to stop. I feel like I'm down to two shoddy cylinders at best. Oh to run on four again! Six is too elusive to even imagine.
I'm a naturally high strung person. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It just seems to be the way I'm programmed. Probably one of the reasons I have loved yoga so much is that it targets this area with calmness and serenity. Takes me outside of myself and helps to insulate all my frays.
This shoulder situation has taken more of a toll than I would like to admit. Last night I had another physio session and he told me I had to stop being afraid to do the things I did before the injury. It sucks when someone else tells you the fears you have to face. Like there aren't enough that I already know about, now someone else is keeping score too! I think this is where much of the tension is coming from - for a week I held my body rigid so as not to inflict additional pain and now that that is not necessary I still can't quite let it go.
So for the next several days I am going to consciously try and breathe. Just breathe. And let everything else fall away.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Mish-Mash Update
I'm tired.
And heavy-hearted, today.
Somehow that seems to be enough said. The last 4 weeks have been gruelling. Although my arms are feeling much improved, I'm now in physio for the next six weeks. The good news is that I have resumed my running and am easily ticking off 300+ calories in a 30 minute session. Our bodies are amazing machines, their resiliency is remarkable.
I always swore I would never run. That I hated it! I've always been a walker so to suddenly find myself running - and enjoying it no less - comes as a surprise I would never have expected. A most pleasant one in deed. And I've found a time of day that really works for me - somewhere between 4 and 5 in the evening.
My mom called this morning to let me know that my dad's eye has been causing him problems again. A few years ago he lost the sight in his left eye due to a stroke that affected his eye only - no other impact on his body or brain. It resulted in months of painful therapy and elevated eye pressure - for which he need laser surgery that actually burned a hole through the eye to allow draining and relieve the pressure. He had to have the procedure done in Halifax where we were living at the time. His recovery took place at our house - I'm not sure who it was harder on. Obviously him, but to see a man so strong rendered so helpless - not to mention the pain (he was awake for the procedure and no pain meds could be administered) that ensued throughout and afterward was heart breaking.
The call this morning was to let me know that the pressure is once again up in the damaged eye and his good eye is also elevated. I am absolutely terrified that my father could lose the vision in his good eye. I can't even go there. There are two solutions being considered. One is to put a stint or permanent drain in the eye or to remove the eye all together. Today he has gone to talk to a couple of people who have had similar surgeries in the recent past. The consensus in my family is that he should have the eye removed. I think they would then be better able to monitor his good eye for changes without wondering if its elevated pressure is linked to the damaged one.
For the most part, my family has suffered very little when it comes to personal tragedy or sickness. For this I am most thankful. I know that there are lessons to be learned - like dependence and pulling together and facing your fears in uncertain times. The most difficult part is that our worlds are these self-made vortexes that don't stop - we somehow get them wound so tight that when we need to break free of them to care for ourselves or the ones we love, their forces are so strong that they keep pulling us back in - dividing our hearts and minds.
May peace abound fully with you today. Namaste.
And heavy-hearted, today.
Somehow that seems to be enough said. The last 4 weeks have been gruelling. Although my arms are feeling much improved, I'm now in physio for the next six weeks. The good news is that I have resumed my running and am easily ticking off 300+ calories in a 30 minute session. Our bodies are amazing machines, their resiliency is remarkable.
I always swore I would never run. That I hated it! I've always been a walker so to suddenly find myself running - and enjoying it no less - comes as a surprise I would never have expected. A most pleasant one in deed. And I've found a time of day that really works for me - somewhere between 4 and 5 in the evening.
My mom called this morning to let me know that my dad's eye has been causing him problems again. A few years ago he lost the sight in his left eye due to a stroke that affected his eye only - no other impact on his body or brain. It resulted in months of painful therapy and elevated eye pressure - for which he need laser surgery that actually burned a hole through the eye to allow draining and relieve the pressure. He had to have the procedure done in Halifax where we were living at the time. His recovery took place at our house - I'm not sure who it was harder on. Obviously him, but to see a man so strong rendered so helpless - not to mention the pain (he was awake for the procedure and no pain meds could be administered) that ensued throughout and afterward was heart breaking.
The call this morning was to let me know that the pressure is once again up in the damaged eye and his good eye is also elevated. I am absolutely terrified that my father could lose the vision in his good eye. I can't even go there. There are two solutions being considered. One is to put a stint or permanent drain in the eye or to remove the eye all together. Today he has gone to talk to a couple of people who have had similar surgeries in the recent past. The consensus in my family is that he should have the eye removed. I think they would then be better able to monitor his good eye for changes without wondering if its elevated pressure is linked to the damaged one.
For the most part, my family has suffered very little when it comes to personal tragedy or sickness. For this I am most thankful. I know that there are lessons to be learned - like dependence and pulling together and facing your fears in uncertain times. The most difficult part is that our worlds are these self-made vortexes that don't stop - we somehow get them wound so tight that when we need to break free of them to care for ourselves or the ones we love, their forces are so strong that they keep pulling us back in - dividing our hearts and minds.
May peace abound fully with you today. Namaste.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
what the hell happened?
Ok. So I was trekking along swimmingly on my 7 day challenge. And then. This is almost unbelievable but I partially dislocated my left shoulder. For real. Four days later, the same thing happened to my right shoulder. Truth!
How did this happen? (I know you are dying to know). Honestly I'm not quite sure. After my 400 cal workout on Tuesday I did a few wide stance push-ups. Later on that evening my arm started bothering me, almost as though it was hanging there somewhat dead (ever get a flu shot? cause it felt a lot like that).
Thankfully I have a friend who is a chiropractor (and a very good one). On Wednesday morning I went to his office and sure enough it was out of place and he 'popped' it back in. I returned to school and carried on as I always do. Later that same night I hosted a baby shower for a friend and proceeded to clean up the house. By 8pm I was in pain. By 9pm, shear agony. The pain was actually so bad throughout the night that I cried. No amount of advil would overcome. I spend the next two days on sick leave nursing myself back to health and going for daily adjustments.
Just when I was on the mend and getting the use of my left arm back... my right arm did exactly the same thing. Two more days of anguish and adjustments.
I would have loved to take another day off from school but that gets tricky. I hate being away from my class too long and it is a pain in the ass to plan for someone to do the job that I do without even thinking about it. So I went but I felt quite terrible, almost flu-ish. Yesterday and today were better but my arms feel heavy and moving them about is still somewhat laborious.
For the life of me I don't know what happened. The first arm I can possibly attribute to the push-ups. But the second? No way.
So for whatever reason - perhaps a wrinkle in the cosmic fabric of time - I spent the better part of last week not achieving my goals but rather trying to find comfortable positions to sit and sleep in without screaming out in pain!
Good news - I got back on the beast tonight and logged 330 cals. Life goes on.
How did this happen? (I know you are dying to know). Honestly I'm not quite sure. After my 400 cal workout on Tuesday I did a few wide stance push-ups. Later on that evening my arm started bothering me, almost as though it was hanging there somewhat dead (ever get a flu shot? cause it felt a lot like that).
Thankfully I have a friend who is a chiropractor (and a very good one). On Wednesday morning I went to his office and sure enough it was out of place and he 'popped' it back in. I returned to school and carried on as I always do. Later that same night I hosted a baby shower for a friend and proceeded to clean up the house. By 8pm I was in pain. By 9pm, shear agony. The pain was actually so bad throughout the night that I cried. No amount of advil would overcome. I spend the next two days on sick leave nursing myself back to health and going for daily adjustments.
Just when I was on the mend and getting the use of my left arm back... my right arm did exactly the same thing. Two more days of anguish and adjustments.
I would have loved to take another day off from school but that gets tricky. I hate being away from my class too long and it is a pain in the ass to plan for someone to do the job that I do without even thinking about it. So I went but I felt quite terrible, almost flu-ish. Yesterday and today were better but my arms feel heavy and moving them about is still somewhat laborious.
For the life of me I don't know what happened. The first arm I can possibly attribute to the push-ups. But the second? No way.
So for whatever reason - perhaps a wrinkle in the cosmic fabric of time - I spent the better part of last week not achieving my goals but rather trying to find comfortable positions to sit and sleep in without screaming out in pain!
Good news - I got back on the beast tonight and logged 330 cals. Life goes on.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
conquered - day 4 that is
So much better today. I drug my butt out of bed at the regular time - about 7:20 and sat in a semi-conscious state for half an hour nursing a coffee and chatting with husband. This is definitely the way I am meant to ease myself into the world each day. Screw running!
Tonight I opted to watch Oprah while getting in my 400 cals. It was an okay choice but I do prefer listening to music. I find there is a lot less clock watching and more actual enjoyment of the exercising this way - music makes it feel more like dancing and along with that comes a freedom of spirit that is quite nice indeed. Somehow it feels more like reaching for greater things rather than pushing myself to perform. I'd rather reach.
time on t-mill: 40:00
distance travelled: 2.955 miles or 4.728km
calories burned: 405.6
avg cal/min: 10.14
Tonight I opted to watch Oprah while getting in my 400 cals. It was an okay choice but I do prefer listening to music. I find there is a lot less clock watching and more actual enjoyment of the exercising this way - music makes it feel more like dancing and along with that comes a freedom of spirit that is quite nice indeed. Somehow it feels more like reaching for greater things rather than pushing myself to perform. I'd rather reach.
time on t-mill: 40:00
distance travelled: 2.955 miles or 4.728km
calories burned: 405.6
avg cal/min: 10.14
Monday, February 23, 2009
day 3
Today was terrible. Horrible. Awful. It completely sucked!
Something I know about myself and have known for a very long time is that I don't enjoy exercising in the morning. I never have and I'm pretty certain that is not going to change. So why then, I keep asking myself, did I consciously go against that which I already know? Apparently I'm an IDIOT!!!!!
Given that I'm back in the work week I thought I'd do myself a favor and split my 400 calories between morning and evening. All it did was cause me to NOT have time for my morning coffee and be late and irritable for the rest of the day. Seriously, it affected me for hours. I was tired all day, cranky and I just could not seem to suck it up and move on. I'm so NOT doing that tomorrow! Just thinking about it pisses me off. To think I stopped acting like a rational person over the 20 stupid minutes I spent on the treadmill. I sure hope at least some of this can be attributed to pms.
On top of this my left hip flexor is not very happy about the increased activity. I basically dragged my leg behind me wherever I went this afternoon. Tonight I took an Epsom salt soak as an appeasement to the hip flexor god - a lesser god that thinks its all about him at the moment.
None-the-less I did it. Day 3 is over and I pulled it out. It wasn't pretty by even the slightest stretch of the imagination. Whatever... I rock!
Time on t-mill: 40:27
Calories burned: 400.3
Distance traveled: 2.718 miles or 4.35 km
Avg cal/min: 9.88
Something I know about myself and have known for a very long time is that I don't enjoy exercising in the morning. I never have and I'm pretty certain that is not going to change. So why then, I keep asking myself, did I consciously go against that which I already know? Apparently I'm an IDIOT!!!!!
Given that I'm back in the work week I thought I'd do myself a favor and split my 400 calories between morning and evening. All it did was cause me to NOT have time for my morning coffee and be late and irritable for the rest of the day. Seriously, it affected me for hours. I was tired all day, cranky and I just could not seem to suck it up and move on. I'm so NOT doing that tomorrow! Just thinking about it pisses me off. To think I stopped acting like a rational person over the 20 stupid minutes I spent on the treadmill. I sure hope at least some of this can be attributed to pms.
On top of this my left hip flexor is not very happy about the increased activity. I basically dragged my leg behind me wherever I went this afternoon. Tonight I took an Epsom salt soak as an appeasement to the hip flexor god - a lesser god that thinks its all about him at the moment.
None-the-less I did it. Day 3 is over and I pulled it out. It wasn't pretty by even the slightest stretch of the imagination. Whatever... I rock!
Time on t-mill: 40:27
Calories burned: 400.3
Distance traveled: 2.718 miles or 4.35 km
Avg cal/min: 9.88
Sunday, February 22, 2009
challenge 1 - day 1 & 2
So I got a jump start on the treadmill challenge. I was in the mood yesterday and thought I should strike while the iron was hot (I wonder where that expression came from?).
Day 1 (Saturday)
Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.
Here is how it played out...
Time on t-mill: 40:16
Calories burned: 400.0
Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km
Avg cal/min: 9.93
Day 2 (Sunday)
Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.
Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.
Time on t-mill: 40:00
Calories burned: 414.3
Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km
Avg cal/min: 10.36
Day 1 (Saturday)
Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.
Here is how it played out...
Time on t-mill: 40:16
Calories burned: 400.0
Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km
Avg cal/min: 9.93
Day 2 (Sunday)
Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.
Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.
Time on t-mill: 40:00
Calories burned: 414.3
Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km
Avg cal/min: 10.36
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Challenge #1
So, after great deliberation we have made a decision! Our first challenge will combine calories burnt on the treadmill and water consumed during the day. Nothing too excited but tough enough, just the same.
Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.
So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.
The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.
Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.
Will keep you posted. :-)
Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.
So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.
The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.
Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.
Will keep you posted. :-)
Monday, February 16, 2009
7 days
We just got back from another marathon trip to the city. Eight hours there and eight hours back! Now most (sensible) people would consider this to be ludicrous. And admittedly there is a piece of me that does as well.
But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.
One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.
Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.
So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.
The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.
Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.
But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.
One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.
Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.
So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.
The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.
Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
In the Meantime...
January is a month filled with new beginning exultation! Quite fabulous really. A collective pause in our shared psyche as we consider the why, the how and the when of life improvement! One only has to turn on the tv for 5 minutes to see countless commercials all geared toward making our latest dreams come true! Gym memberships, Jenny Craig and innumerable infomercials that wrap up the will power required with a beautiful bow.
So what about you? Do you resolve?
I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!
Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!
Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.
Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.
Not me. This year I will try and...
exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!
I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.
I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.
We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.
Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.
I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela
So what about you? Do you resolve?
I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!
Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!
Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.
Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.
Not me. This year I will try and...
exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!
I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.
I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.
We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.
Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.
I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela
Friday, January 02, 2009
For my best friend
just a couple of more days off. then back to work and routine. i don't really like routines, although i seem to need them. otherwise i don't get a whole lot accomplished besides rambling around inside my own head thinking.
the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.
my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.
i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.
i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.
this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...
you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.
my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.
i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.
i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.
this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...
you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
Saturday, December 20, 2008
An Almost Unbearably True Christmas Tale
Yesterday was the final day before holiday break. I watched the clock with my breath held inside my chest the entire day. Anticipating the release that final bell would bring. The north has been unbearably frigid and for a week now the children have been cooped up inside, too cold to venture out for even 10 minutes at recess.
Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.
He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.
The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.
I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.
As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.
Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.
Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?
Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.
He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.
The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.
I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.
As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.
Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.
Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Servitude
A rare day off! In fact I'm officially 'sick daying' it. And my mind is free! Oh the directions my thoughts can take, they have been bound up and were starting to come undone.
Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.
Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.
I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.
Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.
Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.
I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.
Monday, December 08, 2008
That oh so familiar yearning is back.
Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?
I'm torn.
That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'
Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?
I'm torn.
That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'
Sunday, December 07, 2008
All day I've been wanting to sit and write yet keep finding other things to do instead. Now I'm out of words and a bit nervous they are not coming back.
I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.
Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.
I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.
Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.
Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart
Cut the chord
Are we human or are we dancers?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answers
Are we human or are we dancers?
Human, The Killers
Monday, December 01, 2008
giving cheer
Over the last few years I have struggled to find anything I really care for about Christmas. I've been an utter party pooper about any and all festivities. Last year I didn't even buy Jeremy a gift! Gee, that sounds really bad when I vocalize it on paper.
I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.
So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?
If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.
I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.
So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?
If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Standing There Pretending
Do you ever feel like you spend your life pretending? That the real you, stands shrouded in the shadows, while the public persona of yourself runs your life, busying itself with the affairs of the world and playing by standardized rules?
I've always desired, above all else, to pull myself out of the shadows and and to stop standing in any given place, pretending to be what I am not.
Perhaps, the most difficult of things to do, is to stop standing there pretending and be who you authentically are.
But do you know who you authentically are?
Until you do, you are destined to pretend. Our world systems are not interested in authenticity. In fact, they abhor it and reward the opposite - look at Wall, even now after days of devastating market blowouts and loss of faith by people around the globe, continues to reward the greed and actions of those in direct violation of an authentic self. I'm certain there are many ceo's sleeping soundly at night in opulent surroundings whose conscience has lost all ability to discern right from wrong. They know only money, not themselves.
Authenticity takes time. To know thyself is not on the short-order cook's menu.
If you seek it, it will come. But the price is high. Pretending is much easier. Pretending is best done by copying the actions of others without thoughtful reflection of them. Authenticity is your own drum, even for those of us who are beat challenged and tone-deaf.
Think about the many ways and situations in which you are able to encourage your authentic self. Nurture these and give them room to grow. You may find the the pretending begins to diminish and lose its shine.
Namaste.
I've always desired, above all else, to pull myself out of the shadows and and to stop standing in any given place, pretending to be what I am not.
Perhaps, the most difficult of things to do, is to stop standing there pretending and be who you authentically are.
But do you know who you authentically are?
Until you do, you are destined to pretend. Our world systems are not interested in authenticity. In fact, they abhor it and reward the opposite - look at Wall, even now after days of devastating market blowouts and loss of faith by people around the globe, continues to reward the greed and actions of those in direct violation of an authentic self. I'm certain there are many ceo's sleeping soundly at night in opulent surroundings whose conscience has lost all ability to discern right from wrong. They know only money, not themselves.
Authenticity takes time. To know thyself is not on the short-order cook's menu.
If you seek it, it will come. But the price is high. Pretending is much easier. Pretending is best done by copying the actions of others without thoughtful reflection of them. Authenticity is your own drum, even for those of us who are beat challenged and tone-deaf.
Think about the many ways and situations in which you are able to encourage your authentic self. Nurture these and give them room to grow. You may find the the pretending begins to diminish and lose its shine.
Namaste.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Is the Best yet to be?
Like many, I wonder about my life and how it is unfolding. Am I making the right choices right now? How will it all turn out? Is there hope that in the future I will be able to slow down and spend a bit of extra time smelling the wildflowers as I drive along unchartered roads (not highways)? Should I be buying real estate today that in 25 years time I could not possibly afford? Will I be alone? With the same person? Or with someone new? Will I be able to afford the kind of life I want to live?
My apologies if I have already exhausted you before you've even gotten to the 2nd paragraph. But I'm quite certain that I am not the only one whose mind gets way-layed by such overwhelming thoughts. My past mistakes don't ever concern me much. And, I embrace the present. In my line of work one cannot help but take hold of what is right in front of them as it is so demanding of attention that it is impossible to turn away from it.
But on a down day, like today... a much needed down day in which I have forced myself to rock the fashionable yoga pant and hooded sweat and pile my hair haplessly atop my head... it is today when I have a chance to think and even be a little bored that I wonder about all of the above.
There are times when we need to take ourselves seriously. Even if it is just for a day. And give due consideration to those worries in life. Does it change their outcomes? Maybe. Does it give me pause? Definitely. If I don't take the wheel, then who?
I know all of this comes from fear. But fear can be a motivating force. As much as we want to be fearless - whom among us really is? And should we aspire to it? Does compromising on certain aspects of our lives detract from other parts? Or, does the compromise actually enhance other areas? It is a tough question to answer with certainty. I know many people who have followed desire down a dead end road, causing much carnage along the way.
Welcome friends, to my bipolar musings. ;-)
My apologies if I have already exhausted you before you've even gotten to the 2nd paragraph. But I'm quite certain that I am not the only one whose mind gets way-layed by such overwhelming thoughts. My past mistakes don't ever concern me much. And, I embrace the present. In my line of work one cannot help but take hold of what is right in front of them as it is so demanding of attention that it is impossible to turn away from it.
But on a down day, like today... a much needed down day in which I have forced myself to rock the fashionable yoga pant and hooded sweat and pile my hair haplessly atop my head... it is today when I have a chance to think and even be a little bored that I wonder about all of the above.
There are times when we need to take ourselves seriously. Even if it is just for a day. And give due consideration to those worries in life. Does it change their outcomes? Maybe. Does it give me pause? Definitely. If I don't take the wheel, then who?
I know all of this comes from fear. But fear can be a motivating force. As much as we want to be fearless - whom among us really is? And should we aspire to it? Does compromising on certain aspects of our lives detract from other parts? Or, does the compromise actually enhance other areas? It is a tough question to answer with certainty. I know many people who have followed desire down a dead end road, causing much carnage along the way.
Welcome friends, to my bipolar musings. ;-)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
What makes you happy? I'm finding out that YES! It is possible!
Once again, I am working an insane amount. And yet, I'm finding my creativity through work, this incredible freedom to uniquely express myself and have others praise me for it! It is a strange dynamic at play, which in turn is making work more like play.
Yes, it is still work. But rather than getting bogged down by the hours and commitment required, I find my self caught in the most rewarding groove. The more I give to it, the more fun it becomes. The more I notice a circle of influence taking shape around me.
Is the secret to life self-expression? It it the key everyone is searching for and so few are able to turn?
Namaste.
Once again, I am working an insane amount. And yet, I'm finding my creativity through work, this incredible freedom to uniquely express myself and have others praise me for it! It is a strange dynamic at play, which in turn is making work more like play.
Yes, it is still work. But rather than getting bogged down by the hours and commitment required, I find my self caught in the most rewarding groove. The more I give to it, the more fun it becomes. The more I notice a circle of influence taking shape around me.
Is the secret to life self-expression? It it the key everyone is searching for and so few are able to turn?
Namaste.
Friday, October 17, 2008
somehow we always come back to our true-er selves. yes, life catches us up in things and we get occupied with activities and learning and responding to the daily grind... but at some point we get pulled back, as though by a magnet, to align ourselves.
I think this pull back is almost cosmic in its nature. reminding me of who I have always been and who i will forever be. i'm thankful for this. because i really like who this person is.
I think this pull back is almost cosmic in its nature. reminding me of who I have always been and who i will forever be. i'm thankful for this. because i really like who this person is.
sometimes life is hard, for all of us. even the priviledged. but thankfully the sometimes pass quickly and we find our feet again. sometimes we find them through our tears.
that is me today. frustration to tears. somehow they disolve it like sugar and salt. melting down my fears and turmoil to somthing a little less rough around the edges. that soak my shirt one drop at a time, puff up my eyes and turn the face red. not pretty, but beautiful just the same.
even though i hate how i have to get here, i do love the here. it is so raw and exposed and even as it hurts, it heals. so the journey, in the end, is worthy of the terrain.
very soon i am on my way out the door for diner with friends. it is friday night. i am blessed beyond reason. i shall take such humility with me as i eat and drink and be merry.
namaste.
that is me today. frustration to tears. somehow they disolve it like sugar and salt. melting down my fears and turmoil to somthing a little less rough around the edges. that soak my shirt one drop at a time, puff up my eyes and turn the face red. not pretty, but beautiful just the same.
even though i hate how i have to get here, i do love the here. it is so raw and exposed and even as it hurts, it heals. so the journey, in the end, is worthy of the terrain.
very soon i am on my way out the door for diner with friends. it is friday night. i am blessed beyond reason. i shall take such humility with me as i eat and drink and be merry.
namaste.
Joy Void
Fuck. That is how I wish to begin this post. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it all to hell. God-damn it. So much in life is just masturbation.
And, in my line of work, saying crap is considered a bad word. Now I am going to take a deep breath and come to the swift realization that one bad day does not a bad life make. Would you believe I'm feeling better already.
It was just one of those weeks. I was off. And so it seemed everybody else was too. I'm not sure if that is just my skewed interpretation or if it really is true. That big full moon influences us all. Too bad it makes us all crazy!
And, in my line of work, saying crap is considered a bad word. Now I am going to take a deep breath and come to the swift realization that one bad day does not a bad life make. Would you believe I'm feeling better already.
It was just one of those weeks. I was off. And so it seemed everybody else was too. I'm not sure if that is just my skewed interpretation or if it really is true. That big full moon influences us all. Too bad it makes us all crazy!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Is endurance your measure of success?
And if it is, is there something fundamentally wrong with using this stick?
Food for thought.
To endure or not endure? Which leads to greater growth?
Food for thought.
To endure or not endure? Which leads to greater growth?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Something random about past lives...
It is good to be home after 6 weeks away of summer fun, wedding bliss and a bit of travel. (I went to Atlantic City and New York City for some urban recreation!) Every year I go home. For a long time it has been like an addictive solace for me, and nothing else would do. This year felt different, different good. Home isn't quite what it used to be. Actually, it is exactly the same as it has always been, but I'm not.
In many regards, the people I love the most are stuck. Some of them know this, some of them don't, some of them think it is their penance to live this way. I found the whole thing difficult to watch and even more so not to try and offer a door. As much as my humanness would allow, I refrained.
For whatever reason, I have been blessed to see beyond the physical forms that we inhabit. No, I'm not clairvoyant! But I can pick up on all of the bullshit we muddle in and see it for what it is - thinly veiled fears that keep us down and stop us from taking chances and embracing the possibilities in life. I see all of our compromises and know that they are just that - compromises. It is impossible to live without making them, as we are each entitled to only one reality/dimension at a time.
So often I could feel the despair of lives compromised by a path of least resistance. Such leads to bitterness, complaining and a 'whoa is me' take on what could otherwise be a beautiful life! It seems to create much unnecessary struggle, filling lives with aggression, envy and the attitude that a good life is for the few - the rich, the powerful, the blessed and the beautiful.
Being in a mindset such as this steals away one's chances for a new reality. One in which life can be blessed and where our compromises and difficulties are opportunities to rise above, to win at life when the illusion tells us the chips are down.
Life is a succession of experiences. Sometimes we have these on our own and at other times we have them in tandem. Not one of us lives in a bubble and we all impact each other, even through our solitary confinements (just as this quiet moment of mine may in some way affect you). In fact, most of our solitary moments are spent thinking about other people and the influence they are having in our own lives - whether for the positive or negative.
There are several directions I could further take this line of thought, but the one I am most interested in right now is how it all connects to past, current and future lives. I've never done any past life regression. I'm both terrified and skeptical. Yet I believe without hesitation that this is not my first life!
Where I want take this idea to is 1) why I chose my parents and 2) past life physical connections with people I have touched in this life.
Recently I read that as spirits we choose our parents. (I would cite a reference but can't recall where I read it, probably somewhere on the Internet.) I can see why I would have chosen mine. Both are very thoughtful and highly spiritual. Although they are Christian in belief, their musings are not that of typical born-again believers. They engage in thought provoking discussions and my dad thrives on biblical nuances. They are as philosophical in their understandings as one could be and still remain fundamentalists. Above all else they are spiritual seekers with strong boundaries for their search. I have become a seeker without boundaries.
If I did choose them, it is without a doubt for the foundation I knew I would gain from them. A freedom of sorts to explore a world unseen. One bound by light and grace and to be cautious of its counter culture possessed by darkness. I'm just not sure any other two people could have given me the same preparation for adulthood.
This summer also had me thinking about people who have made strong impacts on me. I think we have all had the sensation of knowing certain people well without barely having met. We are not together long in life and yet our markings on each other seem to be branded on the heart. The counter to this is people we innately avoid, as though there is a lingering history of ill will even though we can't think of a specific time when that person harmed us, we live with cautiousness around them. My question is: Is this a result of past life encounters?
There have been several men in my past (this life) that I have had strong attractions to. One has been with a man named Nelson, a long time friend of my father's whom I have known since I was about 15. Although he is many years my senior, we have always had an intense connection. Once, when I was 19 and already engaged to my husband, I fell on some rocks at the river and cut my knee open to the bone. I was terribly embarrassed that he had seen me fall but thankfully he is a paramedic and helped to bandage me up. As he was touching my knee, I was concerned I might orgasm right there on the bench! Although he was completely appropriate I felt as though this was not the first time he had touched me and I am certain he felt the same way.
A few years ago at a community summer dance, we waltzed together. He is a tall strong man with some serious physical presence. I found it challenging to keep up a witty banter without it turning too serious or sexual, both seemed to be close to the surface. The humorous part of it all is that I tend toward the prudish not the sluttish! I can't quite recall what I said that got me this response but while dancing he informed me that he may be older than me but would give making love to me 110%. Gulp. Another near hit on orgasmic bliss. Every summer we manage to seek each other out and embrace. I can't help but wonder what 110 feels like!
The truth is that there are about a handful of men (not many) for which I have had similar and unacted upon feelings. I'm sure it is universal to all people, we each have a Nelson. Are they lovers from past lives? Does this explain such brazen familiarity with people we barely know? And yet I do know. A connection so intense that it makes every hair on my body come alive.
In many regards, the people I love the most are stuck. Some of them know this, some of them don't, some of them think it is their penance to live this way. I found the whole thing difficult to watch and even more so not to try and offer a door. As much as my humanness would allow, I refrained.
For whatever reason, I have been blessed to see beyond the physical forms that we inhabit. No, I'm not clairvoyant! But I can pick up on all of the bullshit we muddle in and see it for what it is - thinly veiled fears that keep us down and stop us from taking chances and embracing the possibilities in life. I see all of our compromises and know that they are just that - compromises. It is impossible to live without making them, as we are each entitled to only one reality/dimension at a time.
So often I could feel the despair of lives compromised by a path of least resistance. Such leads to bitterness, complaining and a 'whoa is me' take on what could otherwise be a beautiful life! It seems to create much unnecessary struggle, filling lives with aggression, envy and the attitude that a good life is for the few - the rich, the powerful, the blessed and the beautiful.
Being in a mindset such as this steals away one's chances for a new reality. One in which life can be blessed and where our compromises and difficulties are opportunities to rise above, to win at life when the illusion tells us the chips are down.
Life is a succession of experiences. Sometimes we have these on our own and at other times we have them in tandem. Not one of us lives in a bubble and we all impact each other, even through our solitary confinements (just as this quiet moment of mine may in some way affect you). In fact, most of our solitary moments are spent thinking about other people and the influence they are having in our own lives - whether for the positive or negative.
There are several directions I could further take this line of thought, but the one I am most interested in right now is how it all connects to past, current and future lives. I've never done any past life regression. I'm both terrified and skeptical. Yet I believe without hesitation that this is not my first life!
Where I want take this idea to is 1) why I chose my parents and 2) past life physical connections with people I have touched in this life.
Recently I read that as spirits we choose our parents. (I would cite a reference but can't recall where I read it, probably somewhere on the Internet.) I can see why I would have chosen mine. Both are very thoughtful and highly spiritual. Although they are Christian in belief, their musings are not that of typical born-again believers. They engage in thought provoking discussions and my dad thrives on biblical nuances. They are as philosophical in their understandings as one could be and still remain fundamentalists. Above all else they are spiritual seekers with strong boundaries for their search. I have become a seeker without boundaries.
If I did choose them, it is without a doubt for the foundation I knew I would gain from them. A freedom of sorts to explore a world unseen. One bound by light and grace and to be cautious of its counter culture possessed by darkness. I'm just not sure any other two people could have given me the same preparation for adulthood.
This summer also had me thinking about people who have made strong impacts on me. I think we have all had the sensation of knowing certain people well without barely having met. We are not together long in life and yet our markings on each other seem to be branded on the heart. The counter to this is people we innately avoid, as though there is a lingering history of ill will even though we can't think of a specific time when that person harmed us, we live with cautiousness around them. My question is: Is this a result of past life encounters?
There have been several men in my past (this life) that I have had strong attractions to. One has been with a man named Nelson, a long time friend of my father's whom I have known since I was about 15. Although he is many years my senior, we have always had an intense connection. Once, when I was 19 and already engaged to my husband, I fell on some rocks at the river and cut my knee open to the bone. I was terribly embarrassed that he had seen me fall but thankfully he is a paramedic and helped to bandage me up. As he was touching my knee, I was concerned I might orgasm right there on the bench! Although he was completely appropriate I felt as though this was not the first time he had touched me and I am certain he felt the same way.
A few years ago at a community summer dance, we waltzed together. He is a tall strong man with some serious physical presence. I found it challenging to keep up a witty banter without it turning too serious or sexual, both seemed to be close to the surface. The humorous part of it all is that I tend toward the prudish not the sluttish! I can't quite recall what I said that got me this response but while dancing he informed me that he may be older than me but would give making love to me 110%. Gulp. Another near hit on orgasmic bliss. Every summer we manage to seek each other out and embrace. I can't help but wonder what 110 feels like!
The truth is that there are about a handful of men (not many) for which I have had similar and unacted upon feelings. I'm sure it is universal to all people, we each have a Nelson. Are they lovers from past lives? Does this explain such brazen familiarity with people we barely know? And yet I do know. A connection so intense that it makes every hair on my body come alive.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Alas, I did not see my once true love. I was sad but have now decided that the timing must not be right. I struggled with the idea of calling him up and saying I was sorry I missed him at the funeral, but the act had a smell of desperation I wasn't quite prepared to embrace. That plus the fact that he has kids and a wife and I have a dog and a husband and neither of us need rumors circling the Bloomfield hills.
Sometimes I wish life were simpler when it comes to our desires. That we could act upon them without causing hurt. To ourselves or to others. Above all else, I want to remain an honourable person at heart. Chasing after long lost loves doesn't seem to fall logically in the category.
Sometimes I wish life were simpler when it comes to our desires. That we could act upon them without causing hurt. To ourselves or to others. Above all else, I want to remain an honourable person at heart. Chasing after long lost loves doesn't seem to fall logically in the category.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Summer is ticking along quickly. I have only a few days left in the Maritimes before returning home to Alberta. A few days ago my last surviving great aunt died (at the ripe ole' age of 94) and I will be attending her wake today. The prospect is not at all depressing, in fact I am looking forward to seeing many cousins and family friends from the area.
I am excited to see one person in particular and crossing my fingers he is there. Last time was 18 years ago, half a lifetime for me. He was the first boy I ever fell in love with. If one even knows what love is when you are 15! Regardless, we met because I was trying to do a blind fix-up for a girlfriend who was smitten with the boy in question. I was brazen in those days and without a shy bone in my body, I offered my services to call him and make the connection. At first I felt a bit awkward, calling up someone I'd only ever gotten a glance at and certain that he had no idea who I was. To my surprise, he did know of me and had made enquiries. That I should just out of the blue call him, seemed too good to be true.
For weeks we conversed on the phone. Late at night before the invention of the portable I would snake metres of cord, carrying the rotary dial into the living room and closing the door. More than once we talked all night in quiet hushed tones. We were becoming fast friends, I was far too innocent to be anything other. One day, as I heard my dad stirring to get ready for work in the early morning hours, I quickly said my goodbye and feigned sleepfulness on the sofa, smiling that we had talked for the entire night. All the time my heart beating rapidly, terrified I might hyperventilate.
Later we finally met at a graduation dance. It was by invitation only and I accepted another's offer just to make it in the door! I caught his eye many times that night but he was forever surrounded by his friends and I by mine. No one, not even my bff at the time knew of our secret burgeoning romance. As bold as I may have been to call him, I was equally as shy to approach him.
Finally the last two waltzes of the night arrived. I felt desperate and brokenhearted that we had not so much as even talked. We began with different partners. And somehow as the first came to an end we found ourselves side by side with another on each of our arms. As the music changed so did we. We just went to each other and embraced. For the life of me I cannot recall who either he or I was with. But I do remember how he smelled, his dark wavy hair, those hazel brown eyes, a faded yellow shirt and equally faded Levi's. It was heaven to me. At at the end of the waltz we kissed. Not my first but until the day I die it will go down as one of my best.
Our romance ensued for a few years on and off. When I last saw him, he told that had been one of the most memorable nights of his life. Me too.
I'll let you know if I see him at the wake. ;-)
I am excited to see one person in particular and crossing my fingers he is there. Last time was 18 years ago, half a lifetime for me. He was the first boy I ever fell in love with. If one even knows what love is when you are 15! Regardless, we met because I was trying to do a blind fix-up for a girlfriend who was smitten with the boy in question. I was brazen in those days and without a shy bone in my body, I offered my services to call him and make the connection. At first I felt a bit awkward, calling up someone I'd only ever gotten a glance at and certain that he had no idea who I was. To my surprise, he did know of me and had made enquiries. That I should just out of the blue call him, seemed too good to be true.
For weeks we conversed on the phone. Late at night before the invention of the portable I would snake metres of cord, carrying the rotary dial into the living room and closing the door. More than once we talked all night in quiet hushed tones. We were becoming fast friends, I was far too innocent to be anything other. One day, as I heard my dad stirring to get ready for work in the early morning hours, I quickly said my goodbye and feigned sleepfulness on the sofa, smiling that we had talked for the entire night. All the time my heart beating rapidly, terrified I might hyperventilate.
Later we finally met at a graduation dance. It was by invitation only and I accepted another's offer just to make it in the door! I caught his eye many times that night but he was forever surrounded by his friends and I by mine. No one, not even my bff at the time knew of our secret burgeoning romance. As bold as I may have been to call him, I was equally as shy to approach him.
Finally the last two waltzes of the night arrived. I felt desperate and brokenhearted that we had not so much as even talked. We began with different partners. And somehow as the first came to an end we found ourselves side by side with another on each of our arms. As the music changed so did we. We just went to each other and embraced. For the life of me I cannot recall who either he or I was with. But I do remember how he smelled, his dark wavy hair, those hazel brown eyes, a faded yellow shirt and equally faded Levi's. It was heaven to me. At at the end of the waltz we kissed. Not my first but until the day I die it will go down as one of my best.
Our romance ensued for a few years on and off. When I last saw him, he told that had been one of the most memorable nights of his life. Me too.
I'll let you know if I see him at the wake. ;-)
Thursday, July 24, 2008
For a long time, all my writing seemed to hone in on the idea of letting go. Adding nothing back in. Emptying my being and lifestyle not only of extras and add-ons but past accumulations that resided in my mind like heavy metals. During this time, both yoga and blogging served as a carrier to where I needed to be transported.
In the last year, I have found a lovely place to dwell. I have given up the struggle and replaced it with acceptance. There is much peace and beauty here and I am amazed at just how far from perfection it is. In fact, I believe perfection just might be the most unhappy of places to reside.
It is so easy to get caught up in competition. Bigger house, nicer car, smaller ass, better toys. This mindset keeps us living in a world that is predominately material. We lose sight of why we live and we become enslaved by what we own. Oddly enough, we come into this world naked and we exit in the same manner. We bring nothing with us and we leave it as we come in. This game of bigger, better, faster makes no sense what-so-ever.
I do not want to leave you with the impression that I am a stripped down, back to basics, non-materialistic person. This would not be true. I love things. Beautiful things. I like to travel and stay in upscale hotels. I appreciate quality and workmanship and the aesthetic quality that exists in the marketplace.
However, I do find that my motivations have changed. More is not better. Rather, it is how we get there that makes the difference. That we can feel the joy of giving and receiving, the flow and the compromise of getting out of life the truest desires of our heart. That in this short time we have, we learn to play the game so that our insides and our outsides become compatible with our philosophical ideals. In a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I am coming into this place.
Here, things (whatever you consider a noun - people, places, things and ideas) don't need to be held on to too tightly. They exist for pleasure, pain and our individual personal growth. Everything you are in need of is at your fingertips and already exists. Like a tree heavy with fruit that can be plucked to satiate your hunger. There is no need to hoard or glutton and one soon finds out that in different seasons, different fruits. Here, the creative mind can expand and transform the challenges of life into opportunities.
Namaste.
In the last year, I have found a lovely place to dwell. I have given up the struggle and replaced it with acceptance. There is much peace and beauty here and I am amazed at just how far from perfection it is. In fact, I believe perfection just might be the most unhappy of places to reside.
It is so easy to get caught up in competition. Bigger house, nicer car, smaller ass, better toys. This mindset keeps us living in a world that is predominately material. We lose sight of why we live and we become enslaved by what we own. Oddly enough, we come into this world naked and we exit in the same manner. We bring nothing with us and we leave it as we come in. This game of bigger, better, faster makes no sense what-so-ever.
I do not want to leave you with the impression that I am a stripped down, back to basics, non-materialistic person. This would not be true. I love things. Beautiful things. I like to travel and stay in upscale hotels. I appreciate quality and workmanship and the aesthetic quality that exists in the marketplace.
However, I do find that my motivations have changed. More is not better. Rather, it is how we get there that makes the difference. That we can feel the joy of giving and receiving, the flow and the compromise of getting out of life the truest desires of our heart. That in this short time we have, we learn to play the game so that our insides and our outsides become compatible with our philosophical ideals. In a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I am coming into this place.
Here, things (whatever you consider a noun - people, places, things and ideas) don't need to be held on to too tightly. They exist for pleasure, pain and our individual personal growth. Everything you are in need of is at your fingertips and already exists. Like a tree heavy with fruit that can be plucked to satiate your hunger. There is no need to hoard or glutton and one soon finds out that in different seasons, different fruits. Here, the creative mind can expand and transform the challenges of life into opportunities.
Namaste.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
It feels good to be home. Although, with all the busy preparations for my sister's wedding happening, relaxing has not been on the to do list.
~
The temperature rose to a toasty 34C today and the outlook for tomorrow is about the same. So, our plan for the upcoming day is to float down the river and do little of anything else!
~
I've been enjoying my long walks to the end of the bridge and back in the evenings, once the sun has gone down - accompanying me, the many thoughts and imaginings that run through my brain. Despite the heat, I still find this an inspiring place to be. This year I feel more at home in my own skin than ever before, so there is an easiness to me which marks my biggest change.
~
It is nice to be here with Jeremy. My parents own these old camps that they used to rent out as a business, so before he arrived I spent a couple of days decobwebbing and refreshing the paint. It was a pleasant surprise for him, as it means we have our own space and we don't have to be under my parents' roof. They are almost generous to a fault, so it is as much for them that I did it as for us.
~
For now, I'm heading off to watch some tv and unwind in an a/c room. Happy summering.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
The Man Watching
The Man Watching
by Rainer Maria Rilke
by Rainer Maria Rilke
I can tell by the way the trees beat,
afterso many dull days,
on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear without a friend,
I can't love without a sister
The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.
What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.
When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestler's sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.
Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thoughts
It's late and I should be in bed.
But my mind is active and I just can't seem to make myself quiet. The weeks have been so busy that my brain and body do not yet seem to realize that vacation has begun! There is still a lot of adrenaline coursing through me. And I'm excited to get home and see everyone.
On the flip side of expectations for home, I'm also experiencing the dissolution of a friendship. I feel myself pulling and pushing in a soft sort of way. In ways wanting it to end and in other ways wanting to talk about how and why we find ourselves at this place and time. I feel sad and lonely and hurt. It is all so subtle, so slight of hand. I'm confused at how someone I considered such a confidant, companion and even sister, can be so far away from me. I question what was the straw that broke the camel's back? It feels like it all slipped away in the dark when we weren't looking.
(Thinking about it, I'm pretty certain I initiated the parting of the proverbial waters.)
I met this person in my early 20's. We hit it off immediately and for the next couple of years were practically inseparable. Conversation was always easy and we both liked being spontaneous together. They were years filled with fun. But at the same time, if I am honest, they were years that did not always bring out the best in me. She can be an extremely negative and self-centered person. Sometimes fun came at a cost. My cost.
Looking back at journals I kept from that time, I knew even then that our friendship was not of the quality I was seeking.
But here I sit at one o'clock in the morning. Feeling confused. We live in a small town on the same street. Our spouses work together, we teach at the same school and our circle of friends more or less comprises the same people. Part of me wants to run to her and try to work out our veiled indifference. If everything could just remain more or less the same, I wouldn't even bother to try. But it is the sting of rejection and an orchestrating of events (from which our names keep getting left off of the guest lists) that hurts the most.
And I don't quite know how to deal. I keep trying the self talk. In fact I keep giving myself the same speech I give my students when they find themselves with no one to play with. And just like them, I'm not convinced. Mostly I scream inside my head how juvenile it all is and how I want none of it. And for the record, I'm not outwardly misbehaving in anyway. But it sure does make me feel my humanness, my fragility.
Perhaps I want to be the rejector not the rejected. It is safer that way.
When I think about the affirmation ~ let go of all that does not serve you ~ I know that this too needs to be let go of. Both the friendship and the fall out. To let it go quietly and freely without adding to the drama.
The most challenging part is to live consciously and recognize where I need to take responsibility. To let this be a part of my growth, for my own good. To act within my own code of acceptable and pleasing conduct. To be able to let something go, because it is better for me that way.
Namaste.
This is how we grow, by being defeated decisively by constantly greater things. Rilke.
But my mind is active and I just can't seem to make myself quiet. The weeks have been so busy that my brain and body do not yet seem to realize that vacation has begun! There is still a lot of adrenaline coursing through me. And I'm excited to get home and see everyone.
On the flip side of expectations for home, I'm also experiencing the dissolution of a friendship. I feel myself pulling and pushing in a soft sort of way. In ways wanting it to end and in other ways wanting to talk about how and why we find ourselves at this place and time. I feel sad and lonely and hurt. It is all so subtle, so slight of hand. I'm confused at how someone I considered such a confidant, companion and even sister, can be so far away from me. I question what was the straw that broke the camel's back? It feels like it all slipped away in the dark when we weren't looking.
(Thinking about it, I'm pretty certain I initiated the parting of the proverbial waters.)
I met this person in my early 20's. We hit it off immediately and for the next couple of years were practically inseparable. Conversation was always easy and we both liked being spontaneous together. They were years filled with fun. But at the same time, if I am honest, they were years that did not always bring out the best in me. She can be an extremely negative and self-centered person. Sometimes fun came at a cost. My cost.
Looking back at journals I kept from that time, I knew even then that our friendship was not of the quality I was seeking.
But here I sit at one o'clock in the morning. Feeling confused. We live in a small town on the same street. Our spouses work together, we teach at the same school and our circle of friends more or less comprises the same people. Part of me wants to run to her and try to work out our veiled indifference. If everything could just remain more or less the same, I wouldn't even bother to try. But it is the sting of rejection and an orchestrating of events (from which our names keep getting left off of the guest lists) that hurts the most.
And I don't quite know how to deal. I keep trying the self talk. In fact I keep giving myself the same speech I give my students when they find themselves with no one to play with. And just like them, I'm not convinced. Mostly I scream inside my head how juvenile it all is and how I want none of it. And for the record, I'm not outwardly misbehaving in anyway. But it sure does make me feel my humanness, my fragility.
Perhaps I want to be the rejector not the rejected. It is safer that way.
When I think about the affirmation ~ let go of all that does not serve you ~ I know that this too needs to be let go of. Both the friendship and the fall out. To let it go quietly and freely without adding to the drama.
The most challenging part is to live consciously and recognize where I need to take responsibility. To let this be a part of my growth, for my own good. To act within my own code of acceptable and pleasing conduct. To be able to let something go, because it is better for me that way.
Namaste.
This is how we grow, by being defeated decisively by constantly greater things. Rilke.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
DONE
Today is one of those days where the wheels fell off. All four of them.
After two straight weeks of going straight out, I'm done. Like dinner. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. Students were finished today. And oh my, how they were hyper and overtired!
So I'm going to go to bed and call it a day.
After all, who can complain when you've got a work-free summer ahead!
After two straight weeks of going straight out, I'm done. Like dinner. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. Students were finished today. And oh my, how they were hyper and overtired!
So I'm going to go to bed and call it a day.
After all, who can complain when you've got a work-free summer ahead!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Blessed
“Home is where you can scratch where it itches” ~ Anonymous
I'm just a few days away from traveling home for the summer. I'm excited. In the last year my sister had a baby girl, who I'll get to meet for the first time. On top of this she is getting married in July. If anyone knows how to throw a party, it's Andrea! So I'm expecting that it will be a festive occasion that works its way into the next day. A few of our mutual friends from BC will be attending, so there will be an element of reunion mixed in.
Lately it seems that I have been too busy with work to even give much attention to going home. Which is probably good, otherwise I'd be so over the top that I wouldn't accomplish my to-do list. But work has been positive busy not the other kind. In fact, I feel as though I have tuned in to a nice little cadence of satisfaction.
I received my assignment for next year. Grade 3 again but this time with 3 special needs Fetal Alcohol Syndrome boys. It will mean I have some learning ahead of me as I currently know little about FAS, but I do know the students already and believe that it will be a good year. Funny, not that long ago I would have been horrified at the thought of having any special needs students! And now, here I am actually looking forward to the experience. I guess one should never say never. Success in certain areas actually makes you feel as though you have the power to change the world.
On a different note, today is the longest day of the year. Bittersweet. Living so far north, it will not get fully dark tonight. The sun casts its light in long bending rays that seem to wrap the earth, moving without interruption from west to east. I wonder sometimes if I came here for no other reason than to watch the sun in summer and the moon in winter. It certainly brings me to a primal place inside of myself.
And I've decided that this primal earthiness suits me. Most of the time anyway! I have more right now than I've ever had and yet my wants are less. My blogging has slowed because I'm just not compelled to give it all words all the time. I know what fills me and I know what doesn't. Once you get the formula, the rest is just a shopping list! I'm content and that is enough. The things I want that are important are in progress. They're already in the works and at this point don't need names.
So for right now, I'm just going to be. And I like it.
“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” Frederick Buechner
I'm just a few days away from traveling home for the summer. I'm excited. In the last year my sister had a baby girl, who I'll get to meet for the first time. On top of this she is getting married in July. If anyone knows how to throw a party, it's Andrea! So I'm expecting that it will be a festive occasion that works its way into the next day. A few of our mutual friends from BC will be attending, so there will be an element of reunion mixed in.
Lately it seems that I have been too busy with work to even give much attention to going home. Which is probably good, otherwise I'd be so over the top that I wouldn't accomplish my to-do list. But work has been positive busy not the other kind. In fact, I feel as though I have tuned in to a nice little cadence of satisfaction.
I received my assignment for next year. Grade 3 again but this time with 3 special needs Fetal Alcohol Syndrome boys. It will mean I have some learning ahead of me as I currently know little about FAS, but I do know the students already and believe that it will be a good year. Funny, not that long ago I would have been horrified at the thought of having any special needs students! And now, here I am actually looking forward to the experience. I guess one should never say never. Success in certain areas actually makes you feel as though you have the power to change the world.
On a different note, today is the longest day of the year. Bittersweet. Living so far north, it will not get fully dark tonight. The sun casts its light in long bending rays that seem to wrap the earth, moving without interruption from west to east. I wonder sometimes if I came here for no other reason than to watch the sun in summer and the moon in winter. It certainly brings me to a primal place inside of myself.
And I've decided that this primal earthiness suits me. Most of the time anyway! I have more right now than I've ever had and yet my wants are less. My blogging has slowed because I'm just not compelled to give it all words all the time. I know what fills me and I know what doesn't. Once you get the formula, the rest is just a shopping list! I'm content and that is enough. The things I want that are important are in progress. They're already in the works and at this point don't need names.
So for right now, I'm just going to be. And I like it.
“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” Frederick Buechner
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Peaks and Troughs
Emerson once said "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." I can not think of a more transcendent life philosophy. To consider every encounter or foray into living, not as success or failure, but strictly as experience. If we could do so consistently, we would no doubt transform our lives and be more present in daily life.
The Apostle Paul tells us (Phil 4:11) that he learned contentment regardless of the situation he found himself in. Sometimes there was plenty and other times there was want. He did not let himself get anxious about either, and knew that each could be enjoyed for their season and that both were temporary states - sometimes of the mind, sometimes of the physical. Both a reflection of the cyclical nature of ourselves and the planet we live on.
In life, we are always moving along the abundance/need continuum. Beginnings and endings. This is true not only of our financial lives but also of our spiritual, emotional and physical selves. With experience some learn a certain art to riding the wave. Fully embracing it, surfing life in full freedom of spirit. To others, the wave is always out to get them. Sucking them down in undertow, bringing them back up only to gasp for air and spit up water.
More or less we are all in the same current, we just have varying skill and intuition about how to navigate. Those who can conjure up fearlessness will love the open sea and be made alive by its offering of experiences. When storms brew they waste no time battening down the hatches and using all of their knowledge to safely ride it out. When the calm returns, they set their course and steer by the wind. They look up during the day and follow the sun from horizon to horizon, giving thanks with open hands and hearts. At night, they count the stars, seeing them with wonder as they fill up the sky. They trust the sea to always be their rising - whether stormy or calm. Both invite them to hone their skill.
For some, fearfulness is all they know. They never quite find their sea legs. Storms are met with head between knees, wallowing in the belly of the boat. Praying someone will come along and take the helm, perhaps Jesus will take the wheel. Although the storm eventually passes, it seems longer than it actually was, gripped by doubt and anxiety. The sun above has once again begun to shine but no one below deck realizes this yet. They are still anticipating the wave that will eventually bury them at the bottom. Their breath is constricted and shallow from hyperventilating. There is no course, no one learned how to use the sextant and batteries in the GPS have long been dead.
With some life experience, I have been learning to trust the sea to be my rising. I like the sea as a metaphor for living. To batten down the hatches when necessary. To breath in and out during the storm and to come back up to the deck just as it is passing, because I don't want to miss a minute of seeing the sun break through the clouds. And I want to appreciate the beauty of being a witness to the calming of the waters. Storms can be catalyst to great and unnecessary drama. It takes having your wits about you to ensure you don't stay down longer than you should and that you don't pick fights with your deckhands. We are after all, in this together.
Right now, I'm weathering a small storm. Mostly it is inconsequential. A small amount of head between knees, but not too much. Sometimes our storms are started by people we expect to love us and want us. When they don't, our boat gets rocked. We get filled with indignation and forget that we have at one time or another been the 'didn't love didn't want boat rocker'. All in all it serves to remind me that my boat might just be a little to close to another's and that I'm getting moved by their wake.
I want to love everything about my life - even during the painful parts, the times when it is difficult to see the beauty or trust the rising. I want to experiment with it all.
Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Apostle Paul tells us (Phil 4:11) that he learned contentment regardless of the situation he found himself in. Sometimes there was plenty and other times there was want. He did not let himself get anxious about either, and knew that each could be enjoyed for their season and that both were temporary states - sometimes of the mind, sometimes of the physical. Both a reflection of the cyclical nature of ourselves and the planet we live on.
In life, we are always moving along the abundance/need continuum. Beginnings and endings. This is true not only of our financial lives but also of our spiritual, emotional and physical selves. With experience some learn a certain art to riding the wave. Fully embracing it, surfing life in full freedom of spirit. To others, the wave is always out to get them. Sucking them down in undertow, bringing them back up only to gasp for air and spit up water.
More or less we are all in the same current, we just have varying skill and intuition about how to navigate. Those who can conjure up fearlessness will love the open sea and be made alive by its offering of experiences. When storms brew they waste no time battening down the hatches and using all of their knowledge to safely ride it out. When the calm returns, they set their course and steer by the wind. They look up during the day and follow the sun from horizon to horizon, giving thanks with open hands and hearts. At night, they count the stars, seeing them with wonder as they fill up the sky. They trust the sea to always be their rising - whether stormy or calm. Both invite them to hone their skill.
For some, fearfulness is all they know. They never quite find their sea legs. Storms are met with head between knees, wallowing in the belly of the boat. Praying someone will come along and take the helm, perhaps Jesus will take the wheel. Although the storm eventually passes, it seems longer than it actually was, gripped by doubt and anxiety. The sun above has once again begun to shine but no one below deck realizes this yet. They are still anticipating the wave that will eventually bury them at the bottom. Their breath is constricted and shallow from hyperventilating. There is no course, no one learned how to use the sextant and batteries in the GPS have long been dead.
With some life experience, I have been learning to trust the sea to be my rising. I like the sea as a metaphor for living. To batten down the hatches when necessary. To breath in and out during the storm and to come back up to the deck just as it is passing, because I don't want to miss a minute of seeing the sun break through the clouds. And I want to appreciate the beauty of being a witness to the calming of the waters. Storms can be catalyst to great and unnecessary drama. It takes having your wits about you to ensure you don't stay down longer than you should and that you don't pick fights with your deckhands. We are after all, in this together.
Right now, I'm weathering a small storm. Mostly it is inconsequential. A small amount of head between knees, but not too much. Sometimes our storms are started by people we expect to love us and want us. When they don't, our boat gets rocked. We get filled with indignation and forget that we have at one time or another been the 'didn't love didn't want boat rocker'. All in all it serves to remind me that my boat might just be a little to close to another's and that I'm getting moved by their wake.
I want to love everything about my life - even during the painful parts, the times when it is difficult to see the beauty or trust the rising. I want to experiment with it all.
Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, May 02, 2008
The Lighterside of Yogi
You can find these and many more funnies at www.greatcosmichappyass.com . Hope they tickle you like they did me. :-) Namaste.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)