Thursday, August 14, 2008

Something random about past lives...

It is good to be home after 6 weeks away of summer fun, wedding bliss and a bit of travel. (I went to Atlantic City and New York City for some urban recreation!) Every year I go home. For a long time it has been like an addictive solace for me, and nothing else would do. This year felt different, different good. Home isn't quite what it used to be. Actually, it is exactly the same as it has always been, but I'm not.

In many regards, the people I love the most are stuck. Some of them know this, some of them don't, some of them think it is their penance to live this way. I found the whole thing difficult to watch and even more so not to try and offer a door. As much as my humanness would allow, I refrained.

For whatever reason, I have been blessed to see beyond the physical forms that we inhabit. No, I'm not clairvoyant! But I can pick up on all of the bullshit we muddle in and see it for what it is - thinly veiled fears that keep us down and stop us from taking chances and embracing the possibilities in life. I see all of our compromises and know that they are just that - compromises. It is impossible to live without making them, as we are each entitled to only one reality/dimension at a time.

So often I could feel the despair of lives compromised by a path of least resistance. Such leads to bitterness, complaining and a 'whoa is me' take on what could otherwise be a beautiful life! It seems to create much unnecessary struggle, filling lives with aggression, envy and the attitude that a good life is for the few - the rich, the powerful, the blessed and the beautiful.

Being in a mindset such as this steals away one's chances for a new reality. One in which life can be blessed and where our compromises and difficulties are opportunities to rise above, to win at life when the illusion tells us the chips are down.

Life is a succession of experiences. Sometimes we have these on our own and at other times we have them in tandem. Not one of us lives in a bubble and we all impact each other, even through our solitary confinements (just as this quiet moment of mine may in some way affect you). In fact, most of our solitary moments are spent thinking about other people and the influence they are having in our own lives - whether for the positive or negative.

There are several directions I could further take this line of thought, but the one I am most interested in right now is how it all connects to past, current and future lives. I've never done any past life regression. I'm both terrified and skeptical. Yet I believe without hesitation that this is not my first life!

Where I want take this idea to is 1) why I chose my parents and 2) past life physical connections with people I have touched in this life.

Recently I read that as spirits we choose our parents. (I would cite a reference but can't recall where I read it, probably somewhere on the Internet.) I can see why I would have chosen mine. Both are very thoughtful and highly spiritual. Although they are Christian in belief, their musings are not that of typical born-again believers. They engage in thought provoking discussions and my dad thrives on biblical nuances. They are as philosophical in their understandings as one could be and still remain fundamentalists. Above all else they are spiritual seekers with strong boundaries for their search. I have become a seeker without boundaries.

If I did choose them, it is without a doubt for the foundation I knew I would gain from them. A freedom of sorts to explore a world unseen. One bound by light and grace and to be cautious of its counter culture possessed by darkness. I'm just not sure any other two people could have given me the same preparation for adulthood.

This summer also had me thinking about people who have made strong impacts on me. I think we have all had the sensation of knowing certain people well without barely having met. We are not together long in life and yet our markings on each other seem to be branded on the heart. The counter to this is people we innately avoid, as though there is a lingering history of ill will even though we can't think of a specific time when that person harmed us, we live with cautiousness around them. My question is: Is this a result of past life encounters?

There have been several men in my past (this life) that I have had strong attractions to. One has been with a man named Nelson, a long time friend of my father's whom I have known since I was about 15. Although he is many years my senior, we have always had an intense connection. Once, when I was 19 and already engaged to my husband, I fell on some rocks at the river and cut my knee open to the bone. I was terribly embarrassed that he had seen me fall but thankfully he is a paramedic and helped to bandage me up. As he was touching my knee, I was concerned I might orgasm right there on the bench! Although he was completely appropriate I felt as though this was not the first time he had touched me and I am certain he felt the same way.

A few years ago at a community summer dance, we waltzed together. He is a tall strong man with some serious physical presence. I found it challenging to keep up a witty banter without it turning too serious or sexual, both seemed to be close to the surface. The humorous part of it all is that I tend toward the prudish not the sluttish! I can't quite recall what I said that got me this response but while dancing he informed me that he may be older than me but would give making love to me 110%. Gulp. Another near hit on orgasmic bliss. Every summer we manage to seek each other out and embrace. I can't help but wonder what 110 feels like!

The truth is that there are about a handful of men (not many) for which I have had similar and unacted upon feelings. I'm sure it is universal to all people, we each have a Nelson. Are they lovers from past lives? Does this explain such brazen familiarity with people we barely know? And yet I do know. A connection so intense that it makes every hair on my body come alive.


serenity said...

I apologize for returning and commenting again, but I can't help but just jump in to say how remarkable it can be when things run in parallel, and how a certain piece of writing and a certain person can just reach out and grab so tight that you simply cannot help but respond.

I have been giving much thought to past lives as well, how much of a more distant past can affect the life we are currently living in, what sorts of things we are to be working on that we walk around totally unconscious to as we have lost our connection to the eternal, being distracted by the things in this coarse physical life we find ourselves immersed in.

I have tended to struggle so heavily with guilt it is hard for me to believe this guilt is something confined to merely the relatively short time I have lived seems as if it is more like something of a carry-over, something deeper than anything I can really point to in this life.

Your opening of yourself in this powerful way through your writing is very inspiring. I respect and admire your honesty, courage and your open heart and mind.

Smarts said...

serenity, I am beyond thrilled to have you here! Please come again and again.

So often I feel as though my writing is taking place in solitary confinement. Knowing that it is striking a chord with someone from time to time is rejuvenating for me. But even in times of drought, when no one seems to be knocking on my door, I am compelled to write for my own musing and satisfaction. I think this is what enables such honesty (and at times poor grammar).

It is nice to meet people that are on the same field as I am. Striking up a conversation about past lives with people I already know would have them running for the hills insisting I be exorcised!

This inclination toward past lives is somewhat new for me, yet makes sense so far. I like the idea of being on a growth hierarchy and in each life I get to explore new things or reconcile other stuff. Your comments on guilt are interesting. Makes me think regressing would be enlightening if not frightening. I'm not sure I personally am ready for my past self. A lifetime is so short, opportunities for growth and understanding so exponential. I am interested to know more on your thoughts and how you think guilt might tie into the past.

Thank you for reading. It made my day.


georgebreed said...

hey nerd! i love your openness.

serenity said...

These are also such relatively new thoughts for myself as well. It so surprised me to pop over to your site to see you had been writing about this here, because sometimes it fascinates me how with my mind and heart so open to all sorts of new ways of thinking about things it can suddenly make some things make a lot more sense. (hopefully that was sort of coherent).

I really like your writing, and your blog here. I am admiring your courage to be so open and honest, and to have created this space for yourself to express these thoughts. You never do know where your words might meet someone.