Thursday, January 04, 2007


Just a day. One of those days. Where I find myself with too much time on my hands and little ambition to fill it. I get lost in thought. Close my eyes and listen to those sad songs that in their own way bring me reflective and meditative joy. I think about crying but the reason are too pathetic to give in to. My blood and brain tick-tock to an unresolved becoming. I am uncharacteristically quiet. Husband keeps asking what is wrong. Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

For years an image of another life has been embossed in that part of me that only feels the world.

I live alone in a small cottage, reclusive but upscale in a minimalist design. Writing is my passion and my work is in high demand. I have done my share of suffering for my art. Divorced. Childless.

I try to live a balanced life, but it is difficult. I am a woman given to highs and lows. My characters are born of both sinners and saints and eventually become the other. I am in love with a man who loved me years before. Between us is a moral divide he refuses to cross over. He knows that I know that he wants to. I sense him everywhere. And when I take a lover, it is his hand that touches me. And with that hand I both adore and betray him over and over.

I get lost in the life of my novel. The cast consumes me. The stories are pieces of you and me, twisted until I can no longer recognize quite where they came from.

And on a day such as today... I question what it is that keeps me from this life.

Perhaps on most other days, I just don't want it enough.

Free to be pure - free to be sane
On a day like today
Free is all we gotta be
Dream dreams no one else can see
But you never know what might be coming for you and me
Bryan Adams


Rob said...


I sense the theme of unresolved opposites:
'Saints and sinners'.....'adore and betray'....'think about crying -yet nothing is wrong' of freedom but an apparent feeling of being trapped.

Perhaps this relates to the author trying (but failing) to lead a balanced life and being given to highs and lows.

To conclude: life is often confusing and you are better at recognising this than most people.

Bridget said...

Days like this can be difficult. I love that your characters are sharing your struggles. It's an occupational hazard, isn't it?

I saw a lot of myself in this one. Is that good or bad?

Cathy said...

I am simply loving this blog-sorry it took me so long to make contact -reading your words makes we wish deeply that we had more time to connect-I admire you so much-miss you at the office-C

Smarts said...

Hi Cathy, so glad to have you here. I miss you too. I will send off a proper email next week.

Til then. Angela