Life.

Last weekend, I wrote a blog entry that I titled LIFE. Because I used a certain company name in the initial draft, it apparently got picked up by interested persons in Vancouver (or so I have been indirectly told). These words that I put out into the world, made quite a splash in our little community ~ which at the moment is under a lot of stress.

Not that these things ever come at a good time but this week has been even busier than most. Tuesday was a 12 hour work day (not complaining, we had Christmas Family Fun Night which was worth every minute). On top of this, my sister has been bursting at the baby seams for several days and on Wednesday, our family welcomed a baby girl! Last night we enjoyed a festive Christmas party and some time with friends. Between all of this, reaction has been filtering.

But this morning I woke with blogging on my mind and feeling unresolved about this post. My little blog here has been from its inception, how I make sense of my world. Somedays this world is big ~ it reaches to the Roman Empire and back again. Other days, it hits much closer to home and reflects an everyday ordinary life. If you read my blog with any regularity, you already know that I love the written word and I find deep satisfaction in putting words together.

I am told that the biggest objection to this post is in regard to remarks about education. It has hit a collective nerve. I am very aware that there are many well educated, well trained people who work in a mill. Electricians, mechanics and mill-wrights to name a few (but not limited to).

I am a teacher ~ education has influenced the entire course of my life. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I believe in education, in becoming educated (both formally and informally) about anything and everything that affects who we are and what we do. In democratic societies, education is the primary way we go about improving our lot in life. Although having an education does not makes you more or less intelligent than another ~ that factor is mostly influenced by your genetics ~ it does change your opportunities in the world.

Other people's words and opinions are important, even when they don't align with your personal values. We are blessed to live in a democratic society, where we have such freedom to express the many shades of grey through which we each see the world. Although this post was NEVER intended for public consumption, I do not wish to see it kept from the public. It is natural for readers to bring their own experience to whatever they read (or write) ~ influenced by their joys and their fears. These particular words were written out of frustration for the way I believe our lives are all about to change ~ and believe me, I hope that I am completely off the mark in how I think the next year is going to affect us all.

Yesterday, some of my staffer friends received their layoff notices. And so it has begun. My heart is wounded. And not just for staff, but for all families that will be affected. There are moments when my sadness over all of this is so profound that I ache in my belly. But I am by nature optimistic, and it is through the rough times that we grow. We shall all survive regardless of which side of this proverbial fence we find ourselves on. Perhaps we will all come to more clearly understand the things in life that truly matter.

__________________________________

I came into work today, with a plan of getting a few things taken care of before the week is underway. But instead, I find myself incredibly frustrated and unable to shake it. Verging on the downright pissed off.

*

As much as I’d like to blame it on the time of year and lack of day-light, it is more than just that. In the last couple of weeks, recession has full out hit our little town. The local mill is shutting down. Indefinitely. And it is so unnecessary.

*

Here, because we are so far north and live in a boreal forest, logging happens during the winter months. Wood is accessible by ice-road only and from November until March (about 14 weeks in total) enough wood is cut and hauled to keep this mill (the largest in Alberta) going for the entire year. Market conditions for lumber are dismal. In fact, lumber prices have fallen this year to a 50 year low, and that’s not adjusting numbers for 50 years of inflation! So basically, holy shit for anyone in this industry.

*

The silver lining was that the company was willing to pump $35 million into the local economy, despite the markets. But, they needed a new contract negotiated and signed by the local union prior to December 1. You’ve probably guessed it… that didn’t happen. In fact, the union rejected the offer by 91%.

*

For those of you reading who happen to be staunch union supporters, I know what you’re thinking. The company is taking this opportunity of poor market conditions to stick it to the little man! It might even cross your mind “good for them, solidarity!” And that is exactly what the union was thinking too, at the beginning anyway.

*

The quick and dirty of the negotiations is that the company declared they needed a 12% wage reduction with a clause that wages would increase based on improving market conditions. They were not willing to negotiate on this point, it was put forth as a final offer ~ take it or leave it. I get that nobody likes to take a wage decrease. And, who doesn’t hate an ultimatum. I also get solidarity forever, I am after all a union member myself, and I do believe there are things worth standing up for, things that matter in the work place.

*

My frustration here is for the collateral damage that is inevitable. Two years ago, another mill in the area closed down, at the time the impact was minimal as most workers got absorbed into the local economy, some at this mill (or secondary mill jobs) and a lot with (what was) a booming oil and gas industry. As of right now, oil and gas activity is reported to be only 10% of what it was 3 years ago! Our town is hurting, and this is before any announcements from the union. Currently, every street is littered with “for sale” signs. I can’t even let myself imagine how bad it could get come March/April.

*

Most of my own personal social network is connected to the mill through non-union staff positions. During the time we have lived here, we’ve know that the majority of union employees make equivalent or more per year than staffers. The difference is that all staffers are university and or technical school graduates. A big chunk of the union membership have never completed grade 12.

*

Depending on your position and years of seniority at the mill, your yearly wage could range between $50 to $100 K per year. I can’t help but feel that the lack of the membership’s education is directly responsible for the NO vote. Many are still convinced that this is a ploy on the company’s behalf to cut wages. I happen to know that this company has lost in excess of $70 million over the last 5 years. The fact that they are willing to invest once again, blows my mind.

*

The choice to say NO, is in effect the choice to say YES to the following:

1. To live on unemployment benefits for the next year at a bi-weekly salary of $750. It boggles my mind that these people are unwilling to take a 12% cut when the alternative is to live on 1/3 of their existing salary (based on the lowest paying job, make that 1/6 if you’re at the upper end ).

2. To give up all existing benefits.

3. To accept that once the company closes its doors they could stay closed for a long time. After 2 years without a negotiated contract, the union dissolves.

4. To never be able to sell your house or to sell it at a drastically reduced rate over the next 1 to 4 years.

5. To knowingly devastate the local economy.

6. To unnecessarily put your family through extreme stress and uncertainty.

*

Take a good long look at the global economy. These are not glory days. So many are hanging by an unraveling thread. Perspective is needed. Egos must be set aside. Just a few short years ago, Alberta was booming so loud the whole world was taking notice. That is not the case today. Those members with less than a grade 12 certificate, will have such difficulty trying to get work anywhere else ~ because no one else is hiring! So you’ll be stuck here, in a house that won’t sell trying to live on $750 every two weeks! And that good news only lasts for a year. Then what?

Rome Re~Visited

I'm at home today, enjoying a rare day off. I had a medical appointment first thing and decided to celebrate a me day for the remainder. The weather is blustery outside (only -3C but blowing unpleasantly) and I am more than content to be wrapped up in this blanket, taking a mini break from the world.

This week I had a dream about Rome. The first time I have dreamt about it since returning in August. In my dream I was trying to give directions to a faceless person driving me to my grandpa's house, which ended up being (in the dream) on a curvy Roman street in a row of stone buildings close to the Forum ruins. It wasn't until I woke the following morning that I put it all together.

Which reminded me (upon waking) of the actual driver who ushered us in a sleek black Mercedes from our hotel to the airport. I couldn't stop smiling the entire ride, my primary thoughts being that anyone who could drive like that must be exceptionally good in bed. He certainly gave off the vibe that he might have expertise!

Days that Change You

Are you able to recall a particular day when your life changed? Was it a thought from within that made it happen or something external? Do you believe it is possible that your life can be changed by a single thought, and from the point of thinking that thought, everything can/is different?

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I recalled vividly a day 4 years ago. I was 33. We were living in Halifax. I was standing at the kitchen sink looking out into the back yard. I never enjoyed living in Halifax, not sure why, it just seemed as though it was the wrong time/wrong place for me. I could never find my groove, never made good friends and was bitter about the whole thing. It felt like I was withering in a wasteland of my own undoing.

And then in an instant this...

women over 40 do fabulous things with their lives, it is not too late.

The idea that 40 could be the beginning and 33 not the end, had an impact. It was a turning point that filled me such hope and openness for the future. It helped me to forgive myself for all the screw-ups, wrong turns and wasted days up until that day. Since, I have surely and steadily been rebuilding. It is amazing that half a second, overlooking the backyard can change your destiny, but it can.

As of today, I am 2 years 5 months away from 4 decades of living. I marvel at what I've accomplished since that day. I'm a renewed person, pursuing a life I'm proud of. Remarkably, I've stopped asking why and replaced it with how do I get better, go further, be more of who I'm meant to be?

So I guess, Halifax and all those prior screw-ups had their place. There really are no mistakes, just an abundance of opportunities to learn and change!

What is your moment of change? Have you had it yet or are you in need?

Namaste.

Choose

You've been entrusted with a life. Your life. That is what you were given when your spiritual journey of being human began. What you do with it is yours to negotiate. And it matters. It absolutely matters.

Past Lives

I saw a picture today of a girl I've known for a long time but haven't seen in years. It was of her and her husband. A casual close up, heads together ~ you know the kind where you stick out your arm and click ~ of them sitting on the couch, not even trying to impress. And they looked so contented. Like when you've just discovered that comfort zone of the person you love. All awkwardness has left the newness of marriage, you've settled into a rhythm and you don't need to be anything but yourself.

And I suddenly found myself remembering that very thing. That place where it's not new anymore, but you never want it to end. You still want everything about that other person. Their body, their mind, their future. We were like that. We were sitting on that couch in our grubbed out clothes, snapping pictures. Then crawling into bed every night, unable to get enough. Idealistic about whatever the next part of life would be.

In the last 20 years, we have had much to be 'contented' with and much to be grateful for. My thoughts of us as a couple always bring me to one of two images. First, a little basement apartment we shared in Fredericton during our last year of university. In many ways we had separate lives. He was in science, I in education. My buildings were at the top of the hill and his at the bottom. Our schedules were never even close to being the same. But every night we fell asleep in a broken down double bed that never seemed to lack for space ~ probably because we were happier on top of each other than beside ~ in a dark little room. I can still see the smallest details in my mind's eye.

The second, was our unfurnished apartment in the tiniest of towns, Port Alice, on the very west coast of Vancouver Island. It was our first heart-pounding adventure, all grown-up and on our own. Thousands of miles from anyone we'd ever known. We were broke-broke! Sleeping on the floor until much later that summer when we managed to scrape enough cash to buy a bed at the Bargain store and a second hand sofa from a neighbor who was upgrading. I wasn't working (just putting out endless resumes). I came close to reading every book the small public library had to offer. It was that summer I first fell in love with Wayne Dyer, having read Your Erogenous Zones and being awash in awareness that it was changing my life with each turning page. Each night I waited for Jeremy to be done work, so excited to see him. To meet with the new friends we were making. To hold onto every moment of beauty around me ~ the mountains, the inlet, the future that had become our now. Those were really really good days.

Our lives ~ all of our lives ~ hold such abundance. Life is a ride that moves quickly, do it with courage and joy. Remember often the reasons that you fell in love.

Spontaneous Combustion

Ahhh, a quiet morning. It is rare that I am the first one up, but here I sit in the stillness wanting to hold on to it for as long as I can.

I just had an explosive week at school ~ good explosive! I must admit that I love to bringing out the wildness in my students. ;-) And let's face it, learning can be messy! Personally, I always hated being bored in school. My favorite teachers were those who let go, could tell a story, could reel you in, could make you feel, pretend and imagine the subjects you were discussing.

Right now, the thing that is awakening me spiritually is the energy of my classroom engaged in the excitement of learning. Of experimenting. Of making mistakes that lead to new discoveries. Of finding truth in the pages of a book, morphed by what you've just made a part of who you are. It makes me feel bigger than my body! And I have to say, such is both exhilarating and humbling.

All week, my students were over the top full of energy! Different than I think I've ever experienced, it was like they were collectively bursting at the seams and were notching-up right before my eyes ~ if anyone is into astrology I would love to know what was happening in the cosmos over the last 5 days. Initially (as all good teachers are trained to do) I wanted to bring the energy down, make it nice and neat, wrap it in a bow ~ stop the accompanying noise from spilling into the hall!! But early on I realized that there was more order than chaos ~ there was real growth in the room, there was this overwhelming factor of going beyond, and once I realized that I got out of the way.

Last night I was exhausted. Quite possibly the most tired I've been at the end of a week since school began in September. But it was worth it. It is a transforming thing to feel like you are made for the moment you are in. It took me such a long time in my life to be present in the right moment ~ and even still these collective moments can be wrought with challenges and change ~ but my feet are on the path. And the right moment is going to be mine for a long time to come.

Namaste.

on paper

Is your life better on paper than it is in actuality? Does how good you look on paper keep you from making changes in your life?

Affirmations

We all use affirmations in our daily lives ~ even if you've been living under a anti-new age rock and never heard of affirmations, guaranteed you are still actively engaged in employing them. I've always considered affirmations to be a powerful tool for creating favorable circumstances in my own world ~ however, the opposite can (is) also be true! We can just as powerfully and often unconsciously, be affirming negative assertions.

One area for myself that I have recently been using affirmations in is to improve my sleep. Sometimes it seems to me that no one on my mother's side of the family sleeps! My earliest memories of spending the night at my grand-parents house (the hub of family bustle) included playing yahtzee or some other dice game at 3 am. And people coming and going all hours of the night ~ and by this I mean visitors showing up at the door between midnight and 4 am!!! Seriously.

For the last 20 years my mother has been a full on insomniac. She spends most nights with the light on, reading or on the computer ~ falling in and out of irregular slumber.

I have undergone years of being programmed to not sleep. A family legacy of night owls.

Now I don't hate being a night-owl. But I most painfully HATE going to work day after day exhausted. Thinking all day how I can't wait to go home and get to bed ~ only to get my second-wind just before crawling into bed! This one thing has created more anxiety in my life than anything else.

So I started thinking about ways I could possibly change this pattern. Don't forget that how I got to this point has been reaffirmed steadily throughout my life! So I came up with this and wrote it on a mirror in my bedroom...

I sleep every night like tomorrow is Saturday. Rest. Dream. Sleep.

On another mirror, a long dressing mirror, also in the bedroom, I put...

Let it take you.

Relax into it.

Allow.

Dream. Zzzzz.

Sleep. Delta force.

Breathe.

Relax fully.

Open.

Beauty.

Love.

Sleep.

Dream. Sweet dreams

Expect.

Lullaby Goodnight Love.

Peace.

That was about 2 months ago. Since then, I've barely experienced a sleepless night or have had trouble settling down to go to sleep. Amazingly it has somehow changed my negative thought patterns about sleep ~ and not just prior to going to bed but throughout the day. I now have a great calm and ease about bedtime.

I'm not sure if this proves that the mind is powerful beyond measure or weak and easily influenced!

Have you had experience using stated affirmations to get what you want? I would love to hear how they have worked for you.

moving waters

there are days when living wide open is easy. you breathe deep. your eyes see beyond the surface. you smile effortlessly. your gait is straight. words flow like a river into the ocean.

I imagine myself as the river. A small river with round stones that small feet can tread on and learn to swim. against the current and then be carried back to the starting place. and then eventually on...

words, like a river I happen to know, have always brought me closer to the flow. carry on with ease. recognize your oneness within and without.

Musing the Fork

It came out like a river once I let it out

When I thought that I wouldn't know how

Held onto it forever just pushing it down

Felt so good to let go of it now

No wrapping this in ribbons

Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chris Daughtry, No Surprise

I've been sitting at the fork. Somewhat bidding my time. You know, that place where the road divides in a yellow wood. Bittersweet, this spot. Feels like home, like all the things you've grown up with and love and have come to expect that they will just always be there. When you need them.

My mind seems like a hardwood ridge to me right now. In my head... Beautiful trees, maples, birches and a few spread out beeches. It is the peak of fall and a multitude of reds, yellows and browns litter the ground beneath. It is fun to run through the trees, trying not to slip on the decaying undergrowth or to snag my foot on rogue roots where the dirt has eroded away.

When I was a kid I would walk the lane across the street from my home, for hours. Lost in thought. Admiring the beauty. Afraid of nothing, even though my mother tried her best to terrify me of bears (which I never once saw). Life to me was like a hardwood ridge. You climbed to the top and it seemed as though a trail was possible whichever way you looked. I never tired of this and I never concerned myself with making a wrong turn or not finding my way back. Such was impossible.

Today

November is one of my favorite months in the north. Everything starts to freeze up in November. This part of the earth slows down, goes deep. Snow gets crunchy beneath your feet. The night wraps you in a blanket which is strangely comforting after the length of summer days that are yet to be forgotten.

The trees are naked now and most days they are covered in a thick layer of ice frost that cloaks every branch. During the day, the sun lights them up, highlighting every crystal against a clear blue sky. At night, the street lights cast them in pure silver radiance, illuminating them against the indigo black of the north sky.

There are people in my life who think I'm a little insane for being here, even by Canadian standards I'm living in the far north! And I just think that this is in some earnest way my very own holy grail ~ something so few get to experience, I might as well enjoy it while I'm here. There is beauty every where you go, some places just aren't as obvious to the masses. There are moments when I wish I was closer, yet even as I write this, I smile and wonder... closer to what? The heart doesn't really know distance, the heart only knows how to beat and to love ~ and I am learning that neither time nor physicality are barriers to the places and people I love ~ their spirits continue to move and jive with mine. Frequently, they feel like they are in the room when I take a few minutes to just sit and breathe.

The north is teaching me the great lesson of now. Of time. Of everything and nothing. All of which I am.

Namaste.

The Road Not Taken

I'm thankful for poets and writers and painters and dreamers that phrase things just so. How awful the world would be, were it not for those who have a knack of expressing things just the way they should be ~ be that in either picture or verse. This creative force adds such energy to the world, electrifying the invisible waves around us.

Tonight I had a very long talk with my aunt Clara on the phone. Our conversations are one of the greatest joys in my life (and my life is pretty joyous!). I believe that she and I have been connected for many lifetimes, that this is not the first we have shared and I doubt it will be the last! She's always helped me to be courageous and has shared her wisdom gently.

I related to her about an area of my life that has opened up. And words that I am biting my tongue not to say aloud. And how this had been suppressed by my own fear of inconsequential things, finding myself free'd! She said, "Ange, you're at a fork in the road. And this fork is new. And it is okay to rest here for a while. Just sit with it and appreciate the fork. Imagine what each road will feel like, and you'll know."

And of course I'm going to leave you with Robert Frost and his famous 1916 poem. But before I do, what are your forks in the road? Is there something burning inside of you that you need to sit with, and appreciate that you have a choice? That your biggest fears reside in the mirror?

Namaste.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Traveling with Van Gogh

It is snowing outside, several inches have accumulated. I can hear the furnace kicking in and out. Jeremy is busy in the kitchen cooking us oatmeal. I'm enjoying blogging from the living room where I can both watch the flakes swirl on the front step and catch a glimpse of J as he moves about.

It's a good life.

This week as an art project, we did a reproduction in oil pastels of van Gogh's Road with Cypresses, c.1890. They turned out amazingly, especially when displayed as a collection. It was moving to see the kids so into it, mixing color, smudging, creating.

I've had a lot of interest in van Gogh for a while now. Reading the letters that he sent to his brother Theo is such a personal way to get to know a self. I miss that no one writes letters anymore. I know, email... but it lacks the romance of letter writing. Not only did Vincent write many letters and paint a lot of pictures, he also walked countless miles. In his letters he details the ordinary beauty of the many country groves and city streets he made his way through. I bring this knowledge to his work when I view it. Brings out the reality in the impressionism.

Next summer when I go travelling, I'm allowing books I've read to help guide me. For instance, my interest in van Gogh is pushing me toward spending a week in Amsterdam where an entire museum is dedicated to his work. Just imagining it is warming me to the core on this wintry day.

Drawings have always been the P.S. part of van Gogh's work, ...

Yet he was a letter writer, a guy with a pen in his hand.

Colta Ives

My Day

"Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..." Isaiah 61:3

I had this incredibly beautiful day, today. For no reason. It just was. My students and I walked to the pool for swimming and on the way there, I had an overwhelming sense that all was right with the world. The kind of rightness you breathe in and fill up on, holding it close to your chest, feeling the warmth of it like sunshine on a late February afternoon.

Could there be a finer gift than the proclivity to embrace life? To make the most of the days we are given? To extend ourselves out, beyond the boundaries of mind and body so that our very pulse beats on the outside?

When I allow this to happen, magic is made before my very eyes - our hearts get intertwined and our minds entangle.

Namaste.

Words

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

There are words that you just can't take back. Once they're out of the bag, they can NEVER be stuffed back in. They ride a one-way ticket straight to Your Future Has Been Forever Changed street. And sometimes it takes everything you have, every ounce of resolve, not to open that bag up so wide that the entire contents are given wings, flying where they will into the great wide-open.

Take your chances on however it might unravel? Cause unravel it will.

Soul of the World

For a bit now, I have been slow-reading a book called Soul of the World: Unlocking Secrets of Time by Christopher Dewdney. It is both a philosophical and practical look at the many ways we think about, interact with and function within the boundaries of time. Dewdney is a highly acclaimed Canadian poet, and his work is infused with the kind of mesmerizing language you would expect from just such a writer.

Initially I was drawn to this book (while roaming around Chapters in an altered state of bliss) by the title. Just prior I had finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (for the second time cause it's that good) in which the main character, Santiago, a young Spanish shepherd pursues his deepest imaginings. While doing so, he comes to understand the soul of the world and is guided somewhat supernaturally through his journey by reading the omens that he encounters and opening to the possibilities in life. To stumble upon a book titled Soul of the World on the heels of The Alchemist seemed itself permeated by fate.

Here is an excerpt...

Later, when darkness was firmly established, I went out into the yard again to take a look at the night sky. I was shocked. The night was stuffed with stars. I felt like the only person in an enchanted planetarium, bewitched by the demiurge of night. It was as if another order of darkness had been revealed, as if a layer had been peeled away to reveal a truer darkness, a deeper night, that fill me with dizzy awe. I wondered if the owl I'd seen in March was nearby, sitting on a branch in the secret reaches of night, its eyes sparkling with mystery. The sky was so clear and transparent it seemed that space was somehow closer to the surface of the earth. And everywhere stars. Clusters of stars, necklaces of stars. They sang like destiny in silver notes, and I could see them for what they were - distant, atomic fires of unthinkable immensity, inconceivably remote in time.

Starlight is pure history. Perhaps all time - past, present and future - exist at once, everywhere. But the stars take the prize. The night sky contains starlight that started its journey to earth during the Roman era, during the age of dinosaurs, and even from before the earth existed. In the vastness of space, light seems to slow to a crawl, and the vacuum becomes a crystal jelly.

Above all else, words have always been my heart's seducer. This one is a keeper.

Namaste.

My friend Joanne has my head spinning in mazes and labyrinth thoughts and thinking about courage. Always dangerous territory!

You and Me

Have you ever thought about why it is so easy to share yourself with some people and not others? Every so often you alight upon that someone that opens you up with such ease... your whole being seems to tumble on out like milk falling off the counter. You can feel it happening in a slow motion reel, never in time to catch the cup.

And it seems perfectly acceptable to let it spill all over. Does a body good to dismiss the walls life has a way of building up.

But it does leave one feeling vulnerable. And alive. And full of desire for more.

Perhaps I am in need of drinking wine til the wee hours of the morning with friends. And forgetting this non-sense of believing myself understood.

Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society

"Have you ever noticed that when your mind is awakened or drawn to someone new, that person's name suddenly pops up everywhere you go? My friend Sophie calls it coincidence, and Mr. Simpless, my parson friend, calls it Grace. He thinks that if one cares deeply about someone or something new one throws a kind of energy out into the world, and fruitfulness is drawn in."

Excerpt of a letter written from Juliet to Dawsey

Authors: Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows

P.S. This book is not to be missed. I'm going to mourn it when it ends.

The Man Watching

It's been a poetry-infused-inside-my-own-head kind of weekend. There is obviously some unresolved nostalgia/romanticism coursing through my veins. :-) Must be the nip in the air, making me want to curl up in a big chair with a blanket and a book I can't put down. Rilke is on my mind, my most cherished of all the poets I have yet to read. And from his prolific collection of verse, this my most beloved. Namaste.

The Man Watching

by Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after

so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes

that a storm is coming,

and I hear the far-off fields say things

I can't bear without a friend,

I can't love without a sister

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on

across the woods and across time,

and the world looks as if it had no age:

the landscape like a line in the psalm book,

is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!

What fights us is so great!

If only we would let ourselves be dominated

as things do by some immense storm,

we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,

and the triumph itself makes us small.

What is extraordinary and eternal

does not want to be bent by us.

I mean the Angel who appeared

to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:

when the wrestler's sinews

grew long like metal strings,

he felt them under his fingers

like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel

(who often simply declined the fight)

went away proud and strengthened

and great from that harsh hand,

that kneaded him as if to change his shape.

Winning does not tempt that man.

This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,

by constantly greater beings.

One thing leads to another.

Tonight while looking at a map of Europe and dreaming about next summer's expedition, I located Crete, an island off the coast of Greece which is in the south Aegean Sea. Which got me thinking about a poem I'd studied long ago. So I promptly google'd it. It is far more beautiful than I could have recalled (and is actually about the English Dover Cliffs). I love how these things seem to always fit together and complete my mood. Enjoy.

Dover Beach

The sea is calm to-night.

The tide is full, the moon lies fair

Upon the straits;--on the French coast the light

Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,

Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.

Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!

Only, from the long line of spray

Where the sea meets the moon-blanch'd land,

Listen! you hear the grating roar

Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,

At their return, up the high strand,

Begin, and cease, and then again begin,

With tremulous cadence slow, and bring

The eternal note of sadness in.

***

Sophocles long ago

Heard it on the Ægean, and it brought

Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow

Of human misery; we

Find also in the sound a thought,

Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

***

The Sea of Faith

Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore

Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furl'd.

But now I only hear

Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,

Retreating, to the breath

Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear

And naked shingles of the world.

***

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Matthew Arnold, 1851

Recycled

I initially wrote this post December 2006. Thought it was worth a re-share.

tonight I've come undone. it feels deliriously and deliciously wonderful. i'm a little drunk and a little euphoric. and a little on fire for all the things i've yet to do but know that i will conquer.

we take ourselves too seriously. we think things are do or die. who are we kidding? we are specks of dust in a world of wonder and joyous anticipation. we are not our house or our car or our occupation! we are. we are. we are.

we are flesh and blood. we are spirits soaring and crashing. we are tears weeping and laughter echoing. we are this mind of firing synapses and this heart of pumping blood and lungs of oxygen pockets. inhaling our humanity that reaches out like floating particles in the air.

we are not where we come from. we are this moment. only this moment. in a universe measured by our trips around the sun. we are this creative force of genius, a chip off the divinity block. if only we would let ourselves be, if only we would get out of our own way. we, you and me, meeting here in this cyber moment in space, destined to break free of this illusionary life.

don't over-think it. just be with it. sit with it. dance with. walk with it. talk with it. sing with it. move with it. the rhythm in your head, the ancient beat of a drum you can't forget but haven't yet heard.

feel it. move with it. live it.

this is who you are.

The Weekend is Here!

I'm happy for the weekend to be here! And it is a beautiful day in the north with clear blue sky above and and a reprieve from the cold north outflow air. We were experiencing some early winter last weekend, so it nice to see a reversal on that, if even for just a few days!

Unfortunately work is calling my name and I'm going to have to go in for a bit today and clear off my desk (when my desk gets messy I get stressed) and do some paper work. It was a harried week, complete with two back to back evenings of P/T interviews. Yesterday afternoon I took my kids to the track just to walk off some of their energy. A colleague asked me where I was going to which I replied "I don't want to teach and they don't want to learn! So we're making it a double gym period today!" Her response, "I completely understand."

Overall, I really don't mind putting in a few weekend hours. I try not to do it every weekend as it is a fast recipe for burnout. But I do enjoy the serenity of my classroom both when it is empty and full of kids. I especially love it when it is full of happy children finding ways to express their own genius, it is a heart-warming thing! But to make it all work smooth requires directed thought and planning. And honestly, that is part of the fun. My classroom has a kick-ass stereo system, so I usually take an assortment of Blue Rodeo cds and rock out.

Hope you are enjoying some down time and outdoor walking weather, wherever you may be.

Namaste.

Long Day

On my way out for a vigorous walk and then a long hot epsom salt soak. Really stoked about that second part!

Thanksgiving

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. Some celebrate on Sunday and others save the big meal for today. We went to a friend's house last night and observed the occasion with smoked turkey and all the fixings. Earlier in the day Jeremy and I made apple pie and maple pumpkin cheesecake, both of which turned out wonderfully! It has been a long time since we tandem cooked in the kitchen and for the most part it was quite pleasant.

Jeremy's dad has been visiting with us from New Brunswick since Wednesday which has put some strain on our household. It is a considerable trip for him. His oldest son sponsored the visit by providing the airmiles for flying. Not exactly the weekend I was looking forward to but... I'm going to say this knowing full well that it sounds completely uncharitable. I can't wait until he leaves!

Sometimes I have difficulty with Jeremy because he purposefully imitates his father to get under my skin (and boy does it ever). Seeing them side by side is a gracious reminder of just how unalike they truly are. This visit hasn't been easy for him either.

So as not to leave this post in a completely negative vein, here are some things for which I am very thankful:

1. Being born to intelligent and intellectual parents which whom I continue to have important and interesting conversations.

2. Friends to celebrate with.

3. Long invigorating walks on cold fall days.

4. My new North Face winter jacket to take those walks in. :-)

5. That I believe in the possibilities. At any time I choose, I am able to change the entire course of my life.

Namaste. Many rich blessings heading your way.

"We are not born blank canvases to be painted on by others. We come in with definite personalities, gifts, challenges and lessons we seem to be fatefully pulled to learn." MELODY SCOTT ZINDELL

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill.

This simple quote just might sum up the meaning of life. Continue. Keep on keeping on. Run the good race.

Not Much

Ah, a Sunday night and I don't have to go to work tomorrow! Feels like I am cheating, sitting here at this keyboard at 11pm and not castigating myself off to bed. It has been an exceptional weekend, I'm hesitant to see it end.

I so enjoy just hanging out with my sister and her little girl. Ava, who just turned 2 is first-class entertainment! Last night we were playing 'kitchen' and she farted while filling up the dishwasher and I exclaimed "Ava, you farted!" She just looked at me and said with absolute deadpan "Wasn't me." I know it is one of those had to be there moments, but still it was one of many that has kept me smiling all weekend long.

It has also been great getting to see my dad for a couple of days. We plan to go for some breakfast and a bit of shopping tomorrow before I have to get to the airport and return north. He is in very good humour, which pleases me to no-end because I assure you when I was home this summer that was not the case! He has been taking a supplement that's had positive results with his knees and overall health, it is definitely showing in his disposition and I am so thankful for the change.

Once I get back up to High Level I will be on my own for a few days. Jeremy is working in Edmonton for the rest of the week and won't be back until Friday, with his dad in tow ~ who will be staying through the Thanksgiving weekend. For right now though, I'm looking forward to the house to myself and some long hot baths!

Me.

I'm not interested in Knights in Shining Armour. And I never have been. I don't desire rescuing on any level. Really, what in life could you possibly need salvation from? The experience of being alive? Then what would be the point?

wants

What are your wants. Not your needs, your wants. Above all other things, what are your heart's desires? Are they basic like food and shelter? Or something drastic like quiting your job? Running away with your best friends husband? Shopping till the car can't hold another box?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.

But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.

Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Onward, Upward

As a progressive and evolving being, man is where he is that he may learn where he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lessons which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances. James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As a Man Thinketh

"Man is made or unmade by himself, in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools by which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choices and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master." James Allen from the book As A Man Thinketh

Compass Rose

I just never quite know how any of these blog entries are going to turn out until they are done! I'm prone to tangents and random turns of events. :-) But that is ok. In a way it is how I live my life so the fact that 'my' blog reflects this should come as no big surprise to me.

Summer is fully over now (at least where I live) and that is reflected both in the changing temperatures and turning leaves, but more significantly in my work. Gone are the carefree days of aimless wanderlust replaced by preparing lessons and early morning alarm clocks. Honestly, I don't mind, school keeps me grounded and focused (and truth be told I absolutely love it even on the difficult days). Plus, would summer really be as good if not for the busyness of these fall/winter months?

I'm trying to make a short list for next summer of where my travels will take me. Of course Italy is in the top 5! I envision seeing the countryside and perhaps traveling by ferry to northern Africa to the city of Tunis. Part of the grade 3 curriculum in this province includes a study of Tunisia, it would be enriching to actually travel there and take in some of the culture. I'd like to compare and contrast first hand the two places ~ both a part of the Mediterranean but one predominately Christian, the other Muslim. Also, observe (if any) the affects of two distinct continents.

Also in the top 5 is Amsterdam. One main reason is that English is so accessible in Holland and spoken by all, that and the beauty of the city with its many canals and stone bridges. It is also easy travel from there to so many other European cities. Given that I already speak some French it would be an opportunity to also visit parts of France and Belgium without communication getting in the way (something I did find frustrating while in Italy).

So far I really only have these two as part of the top 5! But I am open to suggestions! Prague, perhaps? Croatia? Spain and Portugal? Wherever I decide on, I would like to spend the majority of my time in that main country, take my time there and really get a feel for what it is like to be a citizen of that region. I also plan on going for a minimum of 4 weeks and ideally as long as 6! But Euros are much pricier than Canadian $$$s, so the exact time remains unknown at present.

It pleases me to no end that I have all of this to dream about and research over the next few months! For so long, I felt this overwhelming discontent with the undisciplined directions I was allowing my life to take. In a recent post I commented on how this summer I seemed to have gained an added measure of courage. Perhaps it is age. At 37 I can embrace not really giving so much of a shit about many things. And I have finally broken free of the self-imposed weight of others expectations, including my parents and husband. Tis good. I can accept that this new found "not giving a shit" is changing the dynamics of those relationships. But I'm going to just let that be what it is going to be.

Namaste. Fill your heart with love and appreciation for all that you are already.

Reckoning

Although today was not a perfect day it was still, a perfectly good day. Do you ever take a moment to let it dawn on you how fantastic it is just to live (even when it is shit!). Sometimes I just smile and think to myself "Damn but I love my life!" All of it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Do you have a safety net?

“It's your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.” Peter McWilliams

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

The sun just set about 20 minutes ago. It went down right before my eyes. Reminded me of all the things that keep on happening without any thought or effort from me. Every single person on this earth gets to experience these gifts ~ such as the sun setting and rising, the stars in the night sky, the moon as she moves through her phases, and 10,000 other things ~ all without the price of admission. One merely has to open their eyes and acknowledge.

Maybe it is because I grew up in a small town where life moved along slowly that I remember to look for such things. Or maybe it is that I now live in Alberta where the sky is so big one can't help but take notice of her as she stretches from one flat horizon to the next. Whatever the reason, the goddess mother always seems to be near me. And I like it that way. I take comfort in a knowing that none of this needs me to get along.

And it made we wonder, is this an area where we go wrong in life? Spending our time taking on needless responsibilities for things that will continue to turn without our interference? And by putting ourselves in charge of things that need no custody, are we neglecting the deeper meaning and issues of our own essence?

These become busy work. Distracting us. Making us feel wanted and important. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I must do this!" Keeping us occupied. Filling up our days so there is no room for the other. And before you know it we've encapsulated our lives in a safety net, strung around our necks so tightly we can't untangle from the multitude of things that never needed us in the first place.

So as you travel through your life in the next few days, think about this. What things are you taking on in your world that don't actually need you? Why do you do it? Because you love it and want to? Or because it creates an escape from what you'd rather not deal with?

Namaste.

I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A

Today

I just spent a fantastic day with old high school friends. What a treat! Five of us girls got together and canoed the river. Tonight I'm having dinner with another great friend from days pasts.

Have loved every minute of this summer! So great.

Promise to do some real blogging soon - may even post some pics! Hope you are all doing well.

Space Between

Some loves never leave you - no matter how far you roam. Even when it is a lifetime and there are ques of loves in between. Those moments that are special don't tarnish just because other beings wander in and out.

Carpe Diem

Today is our first full day in Rome. Great hotel, very quiet and in the heart of the Ancient city. We can see the ruins of the Roman Forum from our window!

Got a great sleep last night and just about ready to head out on foot. The map looks large but the streets are all narrow and winding, so getting from one place to another is quick. Looking forward to exploring the Forum, Coliseum and Tiber River within the next few hours. Will also make time for wine drinking and soaking up this weather - azure sky and the faintest of a breeze - I will have to tuck this away and remember it in the December.

A.

You & Me and all of the people...

Wanting what you can never have... well, I guess we all know how that goes.

But I want it anyway.
And I think I'm almost there on letting the other go.

More Wanderlust

Soon to be Rome-ing around! I leave for Italy tomorrow!!!! Too excited to sleeep. :-0

Walk On

The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. U2

It's late. I just came in from the river and in truth I hated to leave. The night is clear, the moon waxing almost at her full sphere. She's casting long shadows on the pine trees and lighting up the rooftops.

~

As a kid I spent a large portion of my life in this same back field, lying in dewy grass staring at the night sky. Just letting the stars imprint themselves on my mind's eye. Accompanied by the sound of the river (the Mozart to the Van Gogh above me). Wondering. About it all.

~

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind (U2)

~

I'm so thankful for my life. It is such a gift of grace to recognize this journey as it unfolds in front of me. As though I have stumbled upon the very soul of the world and can hear its beat inside myself. To this I bow with my whole heart open.

~

Namaste.

Scribles of the Day

Lately I've been breathing deeply, taking life all in and letting it move through me like air. It feels good. I also feel strong and contented, even though I'm sensing change around the bend.

Today I went to church and listened to my father preach. I sat with certainty as his words washed over me and knew the truth in my heart to be my truth, not his. It was liberating and I sat with those moments, embracing a freedom I've never felt in either my heart or mind. It was euphoric in a quiet non-assuming way that can never be shared with those among whom I sat.
~

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul.

~

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~

"Invictus," by William Earnest Henley

A delicate balance...

I don't think I've mentioned it but I've recently lost 10 lbs! And it wasn't really that difficult. I've been on what my friend and I refer to simply as 'the plan'. Want to know the secret?

How you pair your food. You eat starches (bread & pasta) alone or with vegetables. Allow 3 hours for digesting before eating again. Eat fruit by itself with a 3 hour window on either side. Meat can be eaten by itself or with lots of garden fresh salad and/or non-starchy vegetables. Coffee is off the menu (okay, I haven't fully given up the coffee but I've replaced a good 70% with tea - which is acceptable for the plan). Dairy falls under the meat category and therefore eating cereal with milk is not ideal and should be avoided. Nuts make for a very good snack. Avoid processed foods including those devoid of any nutritional value (pop, chips, chocolate). Use non-pasturized honey to get you over the craving humps! In fact, honey is highly encouraged.

And voila, just like that I've dropped poundage.

Along with this I've been learning more about the body's ph levels. Come to find out disease can not live in an alkaline body. Fat doesn't like to hang around either! A ph of 7.0 to 7.6 is excellent, above this the body becomes too alkaline, causing equally harmful health effects. However, the chances of achieving alkalinity this high is close to impossibie (the standard American diet/lifestyle is highly acidic).

The eating style described above is in keeping with improving the alkalinity of the body as well as improving digestion (starches and meat protiens are NOT intestinal friends - this is part of the reason you feel like you're going to die after chowing down on Christmas dinner!) Especially if you limit the amout of animal protien being consumed (meat is very acidic, as is coffee) and cut out the processed stuff.

Now that I'm starting to get a handle on this way of eatting, I'm also getting serious about monitoring my ph. Tonight I tested my urine and had a level of 6.5. I've got my work cut out for me! While in the city this weekend I picked up a water supplement called Cellfood. It was recommended in the Ultimate pH Solution book that I read recently. Apparently it is helpful with restoring optimal pH levels.

I'm not going to test again until next weekend and my goal is to take the Cellfood 'as directed' for the entire week. I'm very interested to see if there is any change.

Looking for more information? Check out http://www.cellfood.com/ and http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977193128 .

Dry Well

It would be great if I had some inspirational words today. But they're ain't none. Truly clever and awesome. Again sorry. There's still nothing.

Compass

A person can easily get themselves caught up in their circumstances. Feel trapped. Think there is no way out. Berate themselves because their situation is basically good and yet they don't really want what they have. Worry that if they do let it all go, what lies around the corner will be the worser evil.

This kind of thinking creates a lot of self-doubt and general dis contentedness in life. It is good to want change and one must examine closely what they truly want and how to get there with the least amount of collateral damage. Our lives are intertwined and our actions do impact others - our families, our friends, our colleagues. Yet despite this, this is your life. You should get what you want out of it.

In the moment

It was a great day. The kind that makes you feel like you're doing what you should be and even better, that you're having success doing it.

Pretending Again

Lately I've been learning a lot, even though I'm not sure what to make of it all, yet anyway! There have been these moments when I've felt myself encapsulated in fear and not quite sure how to get out. During these times I've also re-experienced past shames that I hadn't thought of in years. Very strange and self-reproaching to find myself up close and personal with what should be long forgotten embarrassments and faux pas'. It has been a highly deja-vu'ish experience in humiliation. Memories I'd prefer to not have surface. Memories that hurt you like small stabs at the heart of your being.

The worst is over now, but at the height of my 'illness' I was feeling more than just physically bad. It was as though I lost all of my defenses, the shields were down and the energy field had been disrupted (to nerdily borrow a metaphor from Star Trek). Despite my life philosophy of reaping what you sow, I was unable to sow anything other than doubt, fear and shame - which if you're an LOA'er you know that thinking on such just brings you more of the same. Regardless, my thought patterns refused to be changed. Also, during that time, Jeremy was away and I needed him with an intensity I have not experienced in quite some time.

I'm trying to work this out. And I may need help to do so. Something beside just normal life has been at play. Even though I want to be a brave person, my deepest fear is that I'm not. That I keep taking the easy way out when I never used to do that. That I'm not trusting in myself to be enough, that I can do it, that I can take care of myself. There is much anxiety in side me about being completely honest and asking for what I need to experience. I'm tied into too many other peoples expectations and holding myself to what I think their standard of judgement will be.

That may just have been a break-through!

Rome-ing Around

I just booked what I hope will be a mind-blowingly fabulous trip to Rome this summer! I've never been to Europe, so Italy seems as good a place as any to begin. Have you ever been? Any suggestions on what to and what not-to do?

In the meantime, check out our rad accommodations: www.kolbehotelrome.com It was once a monastery that has since been converted into a boutique hotel that sits right behind the Roman Forum!

Life is good.