Saturday, November 28, 2009

Past Lives

I saw a picture today of a girl I've known for a long time but haven't seen in years. It was of her and her husband. A casual close up, heads together ~ you know the kind where you stick out your arm and click ~ of them sitting on the couch, not even trying to impress. And they looked so contented. Like when you've just discovered that comfort zone of the person you love. All awkwardness has left the newness of marriage, you've settled into a rhythm and you don't need to be anything but yourself.

And I suddenly found myself remembering that very thing. That place where it's not new anymore, but you never want it to end. You still want everything about that other person. Their body, their mind, their future. We were like that. We were sitting on that couch in our grubbed out clothes, snapping pictures. Then crawling into bed every night, unable to get enough. Idealistic about whatever the next part of life would be.

In the last 20 years, we have had much to be 'contented' with and much to be grateful for. My thoughts of us as a couple always bring me to one of two images. First, a little basement apartment we shared in Fredericton during our last year of university. In many ways we had separate lives. He was in science, I in education. My buildings were at the top of the hill and his at the bottom. Our schedules were never even close to being the same. But every night we fell asleep in a broken down double bed that never seemed to lack for space ~ probably because we were happier on top of each other than beside ~ in a dark little room. I can still see the smallest details in my mind's eye.

The second, was our unfurnished apartment in the tiniest of towns, Port Alice, on the very west coast of Vancouver Island. It was our first heart-pounding adventure, all grown-up and on our own. Thousands of miles from anyone we'd ever known. We were broke-broke! Sleeping on the floor until much later that summer when we managed to scrape enough cash to buy a bed at the Bargain store and a second hand sofa from a neighbor who was upgrading. I wasn't working (just putting out endless resumes). I came close to reading every book the small public library had to offer. It was that summer I first fell in love with Wayne Dyer, having read Your Erogenous Zones and being awash in awareness that it was changing my life with each turning page. Each night I waited for Jeremy to be done work, so excited to see him. To meet with the new friends we were making. To hold onto every moment of beauty around me ~ the mountains, the inlet, the future that had become our now. Those were really really good days.

Our lives ~ all of our lives ~ hold such abundance. Life is a ride that moves quickly, do it with courage and joy. Remember often the reasons that you fell in love.


Windlost said...

Hello dear girl,

Thanks for your comments on my recent exploits and also your comment on the shop review. So nice of you! I wanted to review Calgary shops for a while, but did not want to alienate readers. I have a minimal Calgary readership (this town is mediocre for design and decor), so rather just wrote out to the world. So this gives me a chance to do both, write about local things and still keep the blog un-local. I am whoring myself out on the blog a little, but mainly it is to get attention from Canadian decor media. I have been blogging for almost 4 years and most of the Canadian decor media has discovered and embraced blogs only in the past year or so. So I want them to know I have been around, have connections, have a wide readership. I have not approached anyone, and HGTV came to me, but think I might start trying a little harder. I really want to write for money! haha. You know, even if it is $100 a year. It just feels validating to combine things I love and be recognized.

Thanks for that little essay. I know precisely what you mean about that feeling of "new". Luckily I still have it with David, but you have been married a LONG time sister. After all that time, the mystery does disippate. Of course, you have your times of gratitude and all, but you did miss out on a lot of things and the novelty of others didn't get to become a total bore for you like for me. I think I had long-term rlsps with about 12 people before David. I got tired of new and wanted the "same old". All the new relationships followed the same pattern after a while and that got old too. Lots of sex, they want to marry you, such amazing fun times, flowers and outings and talk, talk, talk. Then they stop talking to you and start hating you. haha.
So at some point the cycle of new men sucks as much as being stuck with someone forever.

Wonder how i will feel in 10 years - will I crave the old days or be content? There is so much comfort in stability. But for some, life is about adventure. I am not adventurous in that I like stability and dislike change, but in some parts of my life, I really see myself changing a lot and welcoming things I avoided. Maturity I think. I like to be around people more now - always was such an introvert.

Anyway, hang in there. I know that you feel deeply, like me, and can express great torment while still being happy and grateful for many things. Thank heaven for blogs, allowing us to open our diaries to the universe, to share the sea of thoughts that we feel every day.

You are loved!

xo Terri

Lyn said...

Hi there.
Just dropped by to check out your blog and I love it. I think we share many of the same approaches to life and living. I like the spiritual essence of your space. I was going to follow you but I don't see how to do it. Am I missing something. I would love to add you to my blogroll. Thanks for your comment on my blog. It was kind of you to visit!