What I'm reading right now.

The Good Dog is a novel by avi. I've been reading it with my grade 3 language arts class. They are eating it up.

It is the story of McKinley, a malamute husky and self appointed head dog of his community. He is more or less a dog that lives without barriers, no fence, no leash and a loving family to return home to each night. In McKinley's eyes he is the keeper of the family and not the other way around. He takes his job as caretaker to his human pup Jack, very seriously!

McKinley finds himself coming face to face with a she wolf named Lupin on the outskirts of town. Lupin scoffs at McKinley for being bound and not living the life of freedom that she enjoys in the wild. Lupin does her best to try and shame McKinley into leaving his current life behind and accepting his ancestral call.

What I like best about this book is that it forces kids to think about good and bad. McKinley, in efforts to protect his family and the other neighborhood dogs, makes choices that are not easily understood and often get him into lots of trouble. If they only knew the reasons why, perhaps his actions would seem heroic as opposed to disobedient. I think this is a good lesson for each of us. It is easy to judge things that happen as right or wrong so long as we don't scratch the surface to find the deeper motivations for some one's actions.

My kids and I give this book 5 / 5 dog bones! A great family read.

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I picked up the book marrying buddha the last time I was in Edmonton. It was in one of those last chance 75% off bins. I almost always look there as I have found some cheap and fantastic reads - plus your expectations are lowered and that makes finding a good read even better!

The book is set in Shanghai and Putuo Island (China) with flashback's to a prior life in NYC. Self reflective in mood and pace the pages weave a story about who we are and how we interpret the world through all the shades of human behavior and endeavor. It is at times graphic and erotic, making no apologies or excuses - only insight into the very fabric of what it means to see ourselves for the beauty our complexities force upon us. It reads like a zen trance. I am falling in love with Coco. I hold on to each chapter. I don't want it to end. It has been quite some time since I have been so affected by a character.

I'll let you know what I think by the end.

Ah, there is nothing better than the promise of a good book.

The grass in the fields ahead.

As you may have noticed, my blogging frequency has increased significantly in the last week! I'm not sure what has gotten into me, but love of the word has once again overtaken. I do not mind being in her possession, it feels good. The rattling of this old keyboard is comforting and I can play her as some might tickle the ivory and ebony.

Early in January I posted that I was going to change the content of my blog from spirituality to money management. Oppps. That hasn't quite materialized like I envisioned. True enough I am done with self-help but I am not quite ready to relinquish the thoughts that fill my head on the self. It is far too interesting to me and there is still so much to learn. I hope that by the time I am 70 I will have more wisdom that I do now and yet still have infinite capacity to learn and to make observations on human nature. At every stage we just see things with new eyes. The deepest beauty of life is that it is an ever changing dynamic, if you're static you're not living. Dynamics allow for chaos and confusion and a never quite knowing how it will all turn out. This in itself makes me excited about life.

I think I have passed a tipping point. 15 years ago I never would have imagined that I would become this person - really it is quite surprising. I am curious to know who I will be at 50, in another 15 years. I hope that I will be just as imperfect and prone to making mistakes and taking risks, just new ones - and that I will have learned from all my current mistakes, 'er I mean learning opportunities! The tipping point is that I'm ready for more now. More in all capacities.

Part of that capacity is financial. I grew up relatively poor. Not destitute and always fed, but I knew the pinch of lack. When I connect the dots I can see how influential poverty has been on my life's beliefs and choices. I set low standards for what would be enough, what I could attain. I did not want to take or be given more than was my share. As a result, I have always had a bit of a gypsy attitude. My husband describes it as a tree planter's mentality. I go so far, work so hard and then pull back. There was always an imaginary boundary, an invisible high charged electric fence that kept me from the other side. I have carried on as though money were unnecessary and that all that I would ever need would be provided to me.

This is not the worst paradigm a person can view the world from but it does have a down side. The biggest down side is that it keeps you from being all that you can be in other aspects of your life. When the going gets tough you hide out and seek refuge until the storm is over. Then you proceed to rebuild your house, all the time anticipating another storm at any moment. Another rebuilding. Another storm. Rebuild. Storm. And the cyclone continues.

I still believe that when necessary, all that I need will be provided. I believe in providence and serendipitous circumstances. But I also need to go beyond my fear of just having enough and come into the presence of plenty. I can do it, I have all of the tools necessary. But one's toolkit can be full of the highest quality crafting material and the crafter can still create sub quality workmanship. I have had the toolkit for a long time and have in many ways mismanaged its use.

Proverbs 24 v. 30-34 says:

I went past the field of the sluggard,

past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgement;

thorns had come up everywhere,

the ground was covered with weeds,

and the stone wall was in ruins.

*

I applied my heart to what I observed

and learned a lesson from what I saw:

A little sleep, a little slumber,

a little folding of the hands to rest -

and poverty will come on you like a bandit

and scarcity like an armed man.

*

As women in particular, it is high time that we step up to the plate. It can be intimidating and easy to let our fear point us down the path of least resistance. The path that often waits for the eye of the storm and keeps us caught in the yo yo of build tear down, build tear down. It is a temporary mindset that we allow permanent reign. We need to put our energy into building up and building up in places that can sustain what we build so our actions are not in vain. I know there are lessons to be learned from having what you've built taken away, but I feel right now my lesson is for the good that comes from building up not tearing down.

*

My tipping point is that I now have the belief that I can build and it can be good and it can prosper. It is a new direction for my energy and my thinking.

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So my question to you is this... Are you moving toward a tipping point and in what area of your life? How have you folded your hands to rest? Is it in your family life? Your love life? Your financial life? Your professional life? What scares you? Where do you need to give more or less?

*

Namaste.

If only we could be this good all the time!

I'm not sure I have ever written a week in review post but here it goes. :-)

As weeks go, this one was pretty normal except for my extreme fatigue. It was like I had fallen and couldn't get up. Literally. Every morning it took all of my strength to get out of bed. Jeremy had to nudge me (he is an early riser) many times! I didn't even shower everyday.

On top of this exhaustion I had a busier than normal teaching schedule with almost every single thing I did being teacher directed. As a rule I try and keep a balance between dependent and independent work for my students. But not this week. We did several intense science experiments that required lots of prior knowledge.

This year and next year are also evaluation cycles for me professionally. My principal is required to observe me at agreed upon times but he is also free at anytime to be present in my room. He showed up unannounced on Tuesday morning. The funny thing is that I generally do math first thing in the morning but due to some student paper work that need to get sorted and put into binders I ended up having an impromptu science lesson/review. Just as I was beginning this completely unplanned activity, guess who walks in and takes a seat!

For the most part having people in my room rarely breaks my stride. Overall, I am confident in what I do. But there is always the fear that what you do 90% of the time will get observed during that other 10% and get misconstrued. It is however, intimidating to have the principal waltz into your room. I kept praying that he would not wander over to my desk and see my empty day plan! The cardinal sin of teaching. Thankfully he did not.

My unexpected lesson was on rocks and minerals in the rock cycle. I was explaining to the kids how over breakfast my husband (a forester and expert pit digger) and I were discussing rocks on a beach and how they are a perfect example of an accelerated and visible rock cycle taking place. The lesson ensued for another 15 minutes and as soon as we got started in math, Mr. P up and left.

At first recess I stopped by the staff room for a few minutes and walked past Mr. P's office. He called out after me with "Great lesson this morning." I said thank you as I carried on down the hall. Later the same day after students had been dismissed I walked past his room again. This time he came out of his office! "Angela, that really was a fantastic lesson you gave this morning!" He was visibly excited. "I was really impressed with they way you had the attention of every student in the room. They were all engaged and actively participating in the discussion". At this point the VP sticks her head out of her office and adds, "Yeah, he's been talking your praises all day!"

I must say their words gave me quite a rush. But I had absolutely no idea how to respond. I even felt somewhat embarrassed and could feel the heat rising in my face as they spoke. I think I managed a "Thank you" and scurried away.

The week however ended on a low note. I've been trading off gym classes with another teacher so as to squeeze in a couple of more prep periods. Truth is, I'm not a fan of her class. They test me on every turn and are just difficult in general. If you have never dealt with 8 year olds and think that they are mouldable and eager to please jars to be filled with knowledge... think again. That kind of child seems to be the exception not the rule these days. Make no mistake, we are currently living in a child-driven society and I believe the anthropological effects of this will not be recognized until a few decades from now. Although I have a couple of narcissists in my own classroom we have developed a balanced relationship and strong emotional bonds. They have mostly accepted my role as teacher and no longer challenge me when I say no - thankfully. It is not easy to get those kids who have cart blanche at home to give it up at school and let someone else be the boss. Parents, if you are failing your children in any way, it is in letting them be the parent and you becoming their servant. It is in neither of your best interests.

So my week, a tired and emotionally charged one, scaled the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley. Last night I was numb. I declined invitations to dinner and listened to some Blue Rodeo, my favourite co-dependent music.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky. Forecast says that it will be as high as +5C. I'm already feeling restored. A little yoga this morning helped and I can breathe once again. And for today, a bit of eye and ear candy for the ladies. :) Namaste.

Where this came from...I just don't know.

It seems that in the last few years, a common thread in my writings has been about letting go. I don't think that I have ever been particularly attached to things but when I made a substantial relocation move in 2002, it truly surprised me just how much stuff I had accumulated. Lots of brick n' brack, or whatever else people like to call it.

Looking at all that useless clutter gave me heartache and I swore that I would never walk that road again. I thought about the wasted time, money and energy I had put into storing all those small items. Hundreds of dollars in knickknacks, shipped off to the goodwill to become someone else's yard sale material. I can't for the life of me remember even one item that got left behind.

Somehow those trinkets lead me to look in other areas. The not so obvious places. Areas that are not displayed on shelves. Or even just hidden in the spare room closet. They have roots that run deep and they don't get collected in green bags on garbage day.

They go around with you and slink and slither into every move you make. They sometimes tell you lies and burden you down with their weight. They tell you that you are responsible for other people's happiness. That you must try harder. Do better. Be more. More beautiful. More thinner. More everything to everyone.

They are the elixir of the miserable. But the kicker is that they somehow convince you that no one else can know that you are completely in their grasp. And so, you play by their rules and pretend to be what you are not because you believe that is the right thing to do.

So who are they?

They are the deepest, darkest, stankyiest, ugliest, perverse ideas and fears you hold about yourself. The "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough", "I'm not pretty enough"...enough enough enough.

No matter who you are, what you do, where you have been, you are ENOUGH. You are good enough and smart enough and pretty enough and worthy enough and then some.

It is OK to get pissed off at all of the people who have fucked you over and made you cry. It is OK to be this with yourself - if you have been one of the people! And haven't we all? At one time or another? So if you need to, get good and mad. Get mad and stay that way for a week. Call in sick every day from one Monday to the next. Make a list of whomever has wronged you. Write them letters you will never send, speak to them as though they are in the room with you. Don't let anyone off the hook, even the one's you love more than life itself.

Then make your peace, inside your own heart. Because 95% of all your bullshit lives inside your head. And it fills it up and creates barriers that keeps you down, not them. They have their own walls and demons. How do I know? Because pain breeds pain and we hurt others because we need to share it, dish it out and spread it around. As humans, we seem to have a certain drama factor. We want to perpetuate the pain, keep it close. It has been a dysfunctional friend for so long.

And the process begins. I have been journeying for years now. But I'm changed. And, I'm on the other side now. On the side where there is enough to the nth degree.

As I've been writing this I was thinking of a song by Jan Arden called Waiting in Canada. It seems so appropriate. Namaste.

every tear you cry

every doubt you have

all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes your little old heart would break

wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want burn them in a glass

write down the things you dream of

make a paper plane that flies to heaven

*

and buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

that's where I'll be waiting

*

all of the empty rooms

all of the silent space

every warm embrace is you

nothing is like it was, there's nobody here but us

i have been filled right up with this

write down the words of sadness burn them in a cup

write down the things you've wanted

throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven

*

and buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

oh buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

that's where I'll be waiting waiting

The things I do for love.

burn incense

light candles

sing in the shower

talk to myself

do yoga

walk the dog

try new recipes

be alone

read trashy novels

think

dream

believe

cry

laugh

grind my own beans

buy organic coffee

drink red wine

eat carbs

send telepathic messages

dance in the living room

give thanks

expand my mind

let go

unwind

know the moment

remember the past

visit a grave site

feel the chill of winter

watch the moon cycles

walk barefoot in my kitchen

meditate

forgive my imperfections

breathe

cradle my dog

embrace

walk away from strife

sing old hymns

recite poetry

down dog

mountain pose

standing forward bend

call my parents

go to bed early

eat my vegetables

blog

be me.

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*

What do you do for love?

You're NOT the Boss of Me!

A kid in my class is driving me a little batty. He's a sweet kindhearted fellow who is extremely helpful. Way too helpful. He's so helpful in fact that it turns him into a bit of a control freak. He also has difficulty completing his own work because he busies himself with his neighbors work.

He can't seem to keep himself from being a bossy boots, even though he is one in an unconventional way. He does try but the problem almost seems bigger than he is - like an unseen force that controls his will!

So I've come to the conclusion that although I could discipline him everyday it would basically be to no avail. Natural consequences seems to be the best course of action. This is already taking place as he has increasing difficulty with his peers, who generally are not interested in his overtaking of their lives. Who could blame them. I'm frankly quite tired of his benevolent attempts to hijack my role as teacher, one I don't give up easily!

The question I have for myself in this situation is, what is the lesson I need to learn?
Hmmm.

"Never mistake my self control for tameness." Teresa Lindner

Confluence of Joy

I was just in the process of running a bath when this phrase came into my thoughts. A confluence of joy. Instantly, I loved the way the words flowed together and how aptly they convey what I have been feeling of late. A confluence of joy.

So just to be sure I was actually thinking what I thought I was - I decided to look it up.

-----------
con·flu·ence /ˈkɒnfluəns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kon-floo-uhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a flowing together of two or more streams, rivers, or the like: the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi rivers.
2. their place of junction: St. Louis is at the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi rivers.
3. a body of water formed by the flowing together of two or more streams, rivers, or the like.
4. a coming together of people or things; concourse.
5. a crowd or throng; assemblage.

Dictionary.com Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
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Such beautiful phrasing - a confluence of joy!

I've been doing more reading and reflecting on making space, capaciousnous as my friend George refers to it. And the two seem to go beautifully in hand, make space so that life might flow. Make space so that joy might have room to breathe within us.

Time, don't run out on me

I was thinking...

perhaps time is the biggest illusion of all. We sure give it a lot of importance but have practically no understanding of what time actually is or even means. Although it is a yardstick of our lives - it is in essence a poor one, having nothing to do with quality - only quantity of minutes and days. Even though each second that passes is still only a second, a measured space, the speed at which we expend our lives is relative and yet it is not. I find even the painful parts pass far too quickly.

I recently lost my watch. A somewhat expensive and status(y) kind of watch. I hope whomever has found this lovely gem has wrists as tiny as mine. I sincerely want them to enjoy the time that it is theirs as they metre out the days of their lives.

I am currently learning to live with out constantly consulting my left forearm so that I might know what to do next and in what sequence. This could be liberating.

Last Night

painting by Carol Buchman - Meditation

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I wanted to share a meditation that I did last night before going to bed.

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Before I begin I always set the timer on the stove, last night I set it for 20 minutes. I find the timer is very freeing as it allows me to be much more present in the moment. It is one less thing my mind has to worry or fret or think about.

*

I lit a single tea light and wrapped myself in a soft and cozy throw. I sat half lotus on the sofa. For the next several minutes I alternated two mantras. With a full cycle of breath, both the inhale and the exhale, I focused on 'ease in my body'. As I did this, I just allowed my mind and my breath to scan my body looking for areas of discomfort or tension, and then releasing those areas as they arose. On the next cycle of breath, I focused on 'ease in my mind'. Again, searching and releasing any thoughts.

*

For me, meditation is much easier if I have an area of thought to attend to - hence the mantra. I readily found places of 'dis-ease' or dis-comfort in both my body and mind and was successful at dissolving their effect. I don't always have success but last night I did. Even though my head was in a normal forward facing position, soon I noticed that it felt heavy and light at the same time - as though all tension in my neck had been erased. I also generated a lot of body heat which I found surprising. I believe that the body can heal itself and that meditation can energize the process - the meditation felt very healing to me. I was not seeking to increase my energy but rather to quiet any excess, sluffing off the residue of the day.

*

Meditation is a wonderful discipline but it does take time to cultivate. Where once I was unable to achieve success for even 1 minute (or less), I am now able to do so for about 12 minutes. It is very helpful to approach it as though you are an observer to your own mind. This is also the beginning of seeing yourself apart from your ego. Let your thoughts be like clouds that float by but do not change the sky. Let them become light and unaffecting. Cultivate forgiveness for all your imperfections and do not judge yourself for your negative thoughts.

*

Namaste. Angela

*

*

"Let go of all that does not serve you."

Life

This is my nephew Brady and niece Ava. I stole the picture off my sister's blog. It made me so homesick I wanted to fly home immediately and be a part of the whole crazy show.

The Year Ahead...

In 2008 I am going to take charge of my financial life. I'm going to learn to invest and do it apart from a paid advisor - none of whom ever got me a decent return on my dollars. I've grown tired of reading books on pseudo religious themes and self improvement. Lately it seems I've nothing left to learn from this stream (book wise) and keep running over the same words and thoughts rearranged by new authors. I'm starting to think that this is as good as I get, spiritually speaking. Now I need to take those lessons and apply them to real life in a conscious manner. After all, being conscious is the key.

So from this point on, this blog stops being about my self-awareness crusade. Not that I haven't enjoyed the ride, on the contrary it has been great. And although the ride's not over - I may even blog about the spirituality of money - it is time for a new focus, to learn some new things. And hopefully make a little money along the way!

calm

"Saw the world turning in my sheets

and once again, I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street;

look at the stars beneath my feet.

***

And so I sent some men to fight,

and one came back at dead of night.

Said he'd seen my enemy.

Said he looked just like me."

James Blunt

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*

*

"Let go of that which does not serve you."

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******

"Open yourself to something greater."

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www.yogatoday.com

Fire in the Belly

"Carpenters bend wood. Fletchers bend arrows.

Wise men fashion themselves."
-Buddha

It feels good to have some time, once again! For many days in a row now, I have had a regular yoga practice. Every day I have challenged myself with duration and intensity. At first it seemed all I could do was rediscover how to breath, trying my best not to be distracted by all the minutia both inside and out.

*

Today was the most satisfying yet. My arms feel fatigued and a little sore from multiple rounds of spider to sphinx to down dog. Balance has improved. My mind has at least slowed its monkey antics. My hips have loosened, my spine seems a little straighter and taller.

*

As I sit here, initially just surfing sites, looking for some inspiration from other bloggers, I realized that I am feeling something inside myself. Heat and energy. And it hit me, this is fire in my belly!

*

So this is what it feels like. A calm with confidence. It is not happening in my head. It has seated itself just below my ribs and has warmed my fingers and toes. It did not come without a cost. It required that I move and breath and infuse myself with just a little bit of divinity. Such an insignificant price and yet weeks go by and I am unwilling to pay. And as such, I lose touch.

*

I have no idea how to actually live with fire in my belly. Sure, it feels good, and all those small things have for the time fallen by the wayside. But...

Twinkle

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light,

From now on

our troubles will be out of sight

So have yourself a merry little Christmas night.

Every year I promise myself that I will go through all of my decorations and weed them out! And then, of course, I never do. That is until this year! And instead of waiting till the season is over, I actually did it as I was 'pulling out' rather than 'putting away'! The result is a truly spectacular tree (my humblest opinion) with only the ornaments I love and adore. Lots and lots of white lights, sparkly silver ribbon and a collection of stuff that has been building for 16 years.

This is one of a set of six tin snowmen that a dear friend gave me almost 10 years ago! How quickly time moves when measured in Christmases!


Merry Christmas everyone. May you find some magic in the day.

Winter Solstice: Walking into Light

Quickly we are closing in on the long nights of winter and readying for their exchange into longer days. Living at 58.5 degrees of latitude in the Canadian north, I am experiencing a strong appreciation for the extremes in light and dark. Both have such beauty. Both remind me that my journey is also all of our journey around the sun.

The darkness seems to have enveloped me this month. When I go to work the sky is a deep navy blue black and the moon sits proud just to the east of my drive. The still invisible horizon shows no hint that the sun is anywhere to be found. As I return home, so does the darkness. A blanket of charcoal grey slides into the dark of night and settles evenly around. Everything is crisp and frozen and crunches loudly beneath my feet in juxtaposition to all I can no longer see.

In the past, the night has not always been my companion. I recall waiting anxiously for the day that marks the change. For the hours of light to lengthen and the other to diminish. But for some reason, this year is different. Perhaps I have been so busy that the embrace of night is a comfort. Perhaps it is how it seems to slow down time and gives me room to breath. Perhaps something inside of me is just not ready to move on.

Long before the impingement of Christendom, the winter solstice was celebrated the world over by almost every culture and civilization. Somewhere around the 4th century, the sun and the son got lost in translation. For thousands of years, people have gathered to reverence the renewal and rebirth of the waning sun as it waxes to full strength. I find myself not quite ready, I'm not yet done with the darkness.

Life is an overlapping, interweaving series of events. For me, in this place and time, I have been asked by a small still voice to listen to the crunching snow beneath my feet and to watch the morning sky filled with moon and stars. To reaffirm and provoke the beliefs that I need to challenge.

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” Richard Wright

A Monday morning coffee and a blog...

I just counted, this is my 8th blog since beginning school in September. You probably have no idea how sad this tally makes me. There are so many days I long to sit here and rattle this keyboard, all the while composing numerous posts in my head (which I assure you are far better than the ones I actually write down).

I'm taking the day off. Well, sort of off. Lately I feel like I am caught up in a never ending what if outcome loop that generates mountains of work that I can never get to. So I have opted for a personal day, in which I am going to spend the time at school trying my best to get caught up and plan for the remaining weeks until Christmas.

Right now I'm giving great effort to overcoming the bitterness I feel about having to take a personal day (I actually get to pay them for this priviledge!) and the 2 hours I spent last night preparing for a sub. Usually getting prep'ed doesn't take so long but I am in transition in almost everything and needing to introduce new topics. Also today is my outside duty day for the week, it seems kind of mean to lay all of this on a sub, so I tried my best to make the rest of her day as painless as possible.

On other fronts, life seems very confused. I'm not so good when I find myself with no personal space to sort through daily events. It is easy to become closed and choke the energizing flow that keeps me in balance. Today is an attempt to open this wider. My mind becomes the proverbial hampster on the wheel and needs to be manually switched to off.

Some time ago I posted with regard to a possible move back to Vancouver Island. From all the behind the scenes indications, this is going to happen in the new year. I find myself experiencing many mixed emotions about this. For one thing, I love our home here in the north. The VI market is much more expensive and staying in the same dollar range will mean a significant change. I know, I know... this is my ego talking! Also, teaching jobs are not easy to come by on the island. It could mean years of waiting in the wing on a substitute list. So while my husband advances and earns more, I may stall and take a serious pay cut! And to add to the stress the current housing market here in the north has just dipped for the first time in 7 years. Selling could prove to be difficult and not as lucrative as we had hoped.

On a more positive outlook... I love the Island (for those of you who are thinking remote island in the Pacific, don't! VI is the size of Nova Scotia and is home to the capital city of British Columbia). It is incredibly beautiful. The place and the people are grounded and seem to have their priorities less mixed up. We lived there for 8 years and I can honestly say that in that time I felt more like I had found home than anywhere else I have ever lived, including my first love the Miramichi. Truthfully, I want to go. I'm just not sure I've done all the living here that I want to do.

Ah, I feeler calmer already. Do you find blogging meditative? Sometimes I find it to be the best medicine for what ails me.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. Gilda Radner

It has been a full day and my posting time is limited at the moment - however I did want to share with you one of my favourite daily reads. George makes me want to be only my authentic self in the highest and truest capacity I have the ability to live. His words have beauty in both their texture and meaning. When I seem to wander around, bouncing and teetering on the cusp of diction, he goes to the heart and leaves me going "yes, of course" in one fell swoop. I love his poetic philosophising. I hope that you also will appreciate.

George Breed - Cosmocracy

So often I sit here, wanting to write it all down and express it just so. And the thoughts filter through but rarely find any permanence on the page. Mostly because they are scattered, they come and go in rapid fire succession. They are filled with love, concern, turmoil, peace, rage and a deep knowing that in the end, none of it really matters.

I finished my report card comments on Friday and today I received kudos on a job well done from my principal. I guess that serves as a reminder that when called on to do so I can still write coherent and suscinct sentences. I enjoyed taking the time to consider the unique qualities and personalities of my students. In fact, I find myself somewhat saddened by the fact that they are only 8 and that it will be a very long time before they find their road in life. I wish I could, for just a few moments, fast forward to where their lives will take them, to see if my predictions come true. I wonder if other teachers think this way?

There are several highly intelligent kids in my class. Having learned as much as I have about giftedness over the last few years, my mind is always spinning in this direction and looking for characteristics that fit the profile. I'm quite good at spotting them and I find that it something many teachers discount or just file under 'smart' and leave it at that. To me this is a disservice not only to the child and their family but also to society at large. These are the kinds of kids that can change the world and unless someone tells them this, often they grow up not finding adequate challenges or believing that they are just like everyone else - they are not!

Recently I've noticed one boy in particular (who fits the profile and I imagine him squirrelled away in some obscure labratory 30 years from now) and his relationship to another boy in our class. They both possess lovely and delicate spirits and take great comfort in each other's company. Whenever they are standing beside each other, in line or on the playground, they hold hands. It seems to happen so naturally and spontaneously, almost as though they could not possibly stop it from happening. It touches me deep inside and I want to somehow protect these boys and their innocense from the cruelty of street savey bullies. Although I detect nothing sexual, they are afterall only eight years old, I do wonder if they are gay or if they for the moment have just found a safe refuge in another human being. My deepest hope is that their generation moves toward a loving acceptance rather than strained tollerance, and that their lives are full and blessed - and they have the freedom to be who they truly are.

Today. Take joy in who you are and share the good you have to give.

Namaste.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
Joni Mitchell

New Every Morning

Oh man! There is no planet sun or star that could hold you, if you but knew what you are! Ralph Emerson Waldo

________________

It is the beginning of a new week. I'm heading in with a renewed calm, with much thanks!

Yesterday I attended a sun salutation yoga workshop. Our room faces east, so just as the sun was peaking over the horizon we welcomed it with opening arms and bowing heads. It was incredibly moving and spiritually rendering - to just be in that moment with the sun and the silhouette of darkness as it lifted before us.

photo: Pisco Bandito, Flickr - click on photo

Go for long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
question your assumptions,
be kind to yourself,
live for the moment,
loosen up,
scream,
curse the world,
count your blessings,
just let go,
just be.
Carol Shields

I haven't written in so long. And that makes me sad. Life has been moving so fast and yet so slow. There has been no down time, no reprieve from the work and it is taking (taken) its toll.

After a mostly sleepless week, some serious pms and a 60 kid Halloween party - I had nothing left to give today. So at 3:45 when I woke up this morning with a head full of snot, ears and throat on fire - I couldn't help but ask what the hell is wrong with me that I would put myself through this and get myself wound into such a frenzy. So I called in sick.

I rarely call in sick. Oh I get sick, but I am super womyn! Watch me scale tall buildings and rescue the helpless.

School is good but it is so ridiculously busy that there are times I resent it. Sometimes it feels like they own you and resistance is futile. We are little drones who keep doing what central office dictates, and with each request we get further away from that for which we were hired - to teach and nurture children. All the while, smiling and publicly moving about as though everything is exactly how it should be. It is not genuine but it is expected. The dissenters are called out on professional misconduct. Heresy.

And then today I read my sister's blog. Early last year she was diagnosed with precancerous cells. Remarkably, just as she was about to decide on a course of treatment, they were gone. Vanished. Without a trace. It was a medical mystery of self healing. Or so they thought.

Fast forward to present day. My sister has a beautiful 8 week old baby girl named Ava. And the cells are back. More plentiful than before.

And when I found this out I just broke down. I am overwhelmed by a sad despair. And I'm angry that life can be so fragile and doesn't seem to respect our person or our circumstances. I can't seem to figure out the big picture right now. My perspective is broken. And whoever is responsible for this game called life is obviously the most fucked up entity in the universe.

I wander through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies and I stood at a distance to feel who you are, hiding myself in your eyes. Don't fall, just be who you are. It's all that we need in our lives. And the risk that might break you is the one that would save - a life you don't live is still lost. Hold back your fear and see nothing is real 'til it's gone. Goo Goo Dolls, Before It's Too Late

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music. Angela Monet

Somewhere in this ridiculously overloaded month, I've regained a passion that has been lacking. I'd love to relay that it is all roses and apple pie but of course that is not real life, now is it! It doesn't work like that.

But I have been stirred, perhaps even shaken at times.

Every day I get the chance to laugh and cry, to applaud and chastise, to be silent and let loose.

I'm getting my shit together. Quite impressively together! And I'm getting the perspective as right as I can. To see it all with eyes of love. To forgive those who don't know the difference and hope that they someday will.

The more life I live - the good the bad the ugly - the more I believe that life is beauty and beauty is life, even if I'm the only one who thinks that it is so.

Namaste.

If you've been wondering where I am/how I am... still here! Just mostly too tired to speak. The first few weeks of school are like that every year. Most days are just not long enough to get it all done!

This week has been particularly difficult. I've been battling a cold and sore throat (all those kid germs resurfacing) and exhaustion. Last night I was as low as low could go! Pretty close to my breaking point and I consider myself to have high tolerance. So I went to bed at 9 and got up at 7 feeling much better. Overtired is a place I really have to keep myself out of - it is my enemy to be certain.

Tonight I stayed late at school and sorted things out for next week. Having never taught grade 3 before, there are so many missing pieces in my mind construct of how it should all be done and even questions with regard to what needs to be done!

On the up side, I'm loving my kids. They're full of mischief and I wouldn't want them any other way! And at 8, they are blissfully unaware that I don't have my shit together.

;)

If I've learned anything as a teacher it is that every single one of us responds to love. Nothing contrived. Only the genuine article. And if we can see the spirit within another, nurture it and remove some of the obstacles that litter the path, we suddenly become miracle workers. I believe miracles happen every day.

Today it is me and the vacuum. And millions of bunnies to eradicate.

There is no security on this earth. Only opportunity.

Douglas MacArthur

I found myself making an unexpected decision this week. A long standing teacher in my school has taken a VP position in another location, leaving a kindergarten position open for a year long contract.

My current employment situation is to teach grade 3 while covering sick leave for someone entering their second year off and awaiting knee surgery. The possibility remains that this person may return before the end of the school year. However, if past behavior is any future predictor, and if I were a betting (wo)man...

The fact is my replacor has a long history of illness and is somewhere in the ball park of 125+ lbs overweight. Good luck with that knee. The knee requires replacement due to overcompensating after Achilles tendon surgery last year. So after knee surgery will the hip require replacement due to overuse?

The other consideration to this puzzle (apart from the hours I have already spent cleaning and clearing our the reamins of the room) is that this school district has shown itself committed to maintaining consistency in the classroom. Given that she has a six month recovery after surgery, and yet has to be scheduled for this operation, there will come a point at which they would not remove me from the position.

So I slept on the decision for a night and discussed it with husband. I've decided against the sure thing and opted to do what I really want to do instead.

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"i" just can't get past it!

Several weeks ago (okay, months!) I printed off a list of values from a blog entry over at StevePavlina.com. Of course printing was as far as I got, until tonight.

And as I skimmed said list, these jumped out and made me LOL...

imagination

impartiality

independence

industry

ingenuity

inquisitiveness

insightfulness

inspiration

integrity

intelligence

intensity

intuition

inventiveness

I guess it really is all about me! (even my eyes are rolling)

;-)

bellagio

Is it wrong to love a photo you took yourself?

No, I don't think so either!

Just dreaming

I have a weakness for houses! And tonight I came across the most delicious (I say that because these homes literally made my mouth water) manufacturing site.

I particularly love a Craftsman inspired home. Probably because of the strong lines and angles, niches and alcoves. I'd be lying if I didn't say that the roof lines excite me, all that rise over run on the outside(!) and living in the rafters on the inside. It's a house that can hold its own without having to be the biggest or the best in the neighborhood. It is as beautiful and at home in a modern day subdivision as it is on the farm or among its relatives on a 1920's street. I like that it lends to the traditional and calms my senses with porch sitting sensibilities (where I come from long hours porch sitting is an important ingredient to a good life).

Deep breath. I'm terribly inspired and just slightly depressed that this house does not belong to me!

On the rocks, please!

I just recently found a great recipe for margaritas. Well, it wasn't totally great, so I messed around with it to get something spectacular, my humble opinion of course!

First you need to create a frozen mix:

1 - 12 0z can of MinuteMaid lemonade concentrate
1 - 12 oz can of MinuteMaid limeade concentrate

Keep this mix in a freezer safe container and use as a concentrate to make pitchers of the stuff!

The Margarita:
4 oz frozen mix
16 oz water
4 oz tequila
1 oz triple sec
3 freshly sequeezed limes
Stir.

I also added some coarsely ground sea salt directly into my glass. You could also rim with sugar or salt depending on your preference.


Enjoy on the rocks.

Back to Work...

industrious

adjective
1. characterized by hard work and perseverance [syn: hardworking]
2. working hard to promote an enterprise [syn: energetic]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

_______________

Okay, so I'm not officially back to work. But I have returned home after a month of river watching and raindrop catching and feel as though my break from reality was sufficient.

And I am ready to tackle those small naggling projects (clutter messes) that take up valuable real estate in both my home and head. Oh they are small and individually require only a few minutes here and there... but my excuse is that June was such a strangely unproductive month (and even a bit fucked up with my dad being here and not sure what was taking place between he and mom - not that it is really my concern, however him in my house does open the door to it being my business!).

So I was thinking that my biggest obstacle is (of course) my self. And perhaps I've lacked just a bit in motivation and been topped up on procrastination. So rather than wait for some supernatural catalyst to set me off, I'm just going to start by being industrious and trust that the doing will lead to motivation - as it so often does!

A great lesson reinforcer that I came away from home with this time around is that we MUST design the way in which we want to live and then consciously live it. Although I 'got this' previously, seeing the opposite on such a widespread scale was off putting! I don't believe it is an exaggeration to state that where I come from, most people carry out their lives without method or model to guide them. Seeing people that I love, living in chaos and confusion and ultimately paying a very high price for unattended living gave me a heart hurt I was not quite prepared for. (Okay, so maybe there was a catalyst after all.)

Ultimately it all follows awareness principles. Can you follow the course of current action and attention (or lack thereof) to a plausible future outcome? No one can predict the future but neither should one deny cause and affect/effect. Those who set their mind to what they want and follow with progressive action are the same ones who take the time to show up and claim it when it is being handed out.

Take care of business today. It may be a prodigious feat... or it may involve taking out the garbage and filing the bills - ultimately making way for future herculean accomplishments.

Romantic...

pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit. reference: dictionary.com

“Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.”

Charles Dickens

“How could drops of water know themselves to be a river? Yet the river flows on.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“What makes a river so restful to people is that it doesn't have any doubt - it is sure to get where it is going, and it doesn't want to go anywhere else.”
Hal Boyle

The Garden

Elocution

I seem to be looking for words tonight. Funny, I never use to so much as stretch or search for them, they were always there in abundance, proudly seeking freedom from my brain's single-minded desire to line them up and lay them down. To tell epic kind of tales. Drama drama drama.

Perhaps I have relinquished the drama for dharma. (And to be quite frank, all the return on inner-peace has significantly reduced my entertainment value at a dinner party.)

My time on the East Coast is nearing an end. I'm ready to go home.

I miss my space.
I miss my friends.

Fuck, I even miss my husband.

Know Thyself

Men and women are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Dew

Photo: Andrea Mitchell

Me and my girl Miss K (kayley) at my cousins wedding last weekend.

Photot: Andrea Mitchell

balancing precariously

awareness has been leading me. energy has been moving me. opening has calibrated me.

Life requires certain components for peaceful continuance and growth...

An acceptance of who I was and forgiveness for choices that I may no longer make. Kindness, gratitude and affirming of all that this moment (this one right now) holds, and that I am fully sated in its imperfect excellence. Openness and direction for tomorrow, not needing to know the details of its unfolding, but that in the time and means necessary to me, it will be splendid, indeed.

some words to suit

ON LOOKING UP BY CHANCE

AT THE CONSTELLATIONS

You'll wait a long, long time for anything much

To happen in heaven beyond the floats of cloud

And the Northern Lights that run like tingling nerves.

The sun and moon get crossed, but they never touch,

Nor strike out fire from each other nor crash out loud.

The planets seem to interfere in their curves

But nothing ever happens, no harm is done.

We may as well go patiently on with our life,

And look elsewhere than to stars and moon and sun

For the shocks and changes we need to keep us sane.

It is true the longest drouth will end in rain,

The longest peace in China will end in strife.

Still it wouldn't reward the watcher to stay awake

In hopes of seeing the calm of heaven break

On his particular time and personal sight.

That calm seems certainly safe to last to-night.

Robert Frost

Philosophy

I think we live life in linearly forward progressing circles.

When I am a way from here, here seems nearby. When I am here, everything else seems far away.

Today I walked and walked and walked. And kept myself in good company with my own thoughts, the breeze and the beauty of it all.

no pictures today but rather... books books and more books. I spent most of the day scanning the aisles and touching paper bound goodness at Chapters and subsequently spending ($$) many hours worth of grown-up work! oh but it will be so worth it once I am back to my northern climes with uninterrupted time on my hands.

so what did I buy you ask?

hmmm...

The Bhagavad Gita and The Principal Upanishads - I have never read either of these sacred wisdom books, and to be honest until a few years ago, never knew of their existence. Not exactly on the required reading list of the United Baptist Constitution.

The Mandala of Being; Discovering the Power of Awareness. Mandala is Sanskrit for circle and in Eastern traditions indicates the whole of the self. Mandalas, not unlike a compass have four directions around a central focus - this book focuses on NOW at the centre and the four directions that take us away from the present, these being future, past, subject, object. "Subject-object is the psychological term for the inherently dualistic nature of our ordinary consciousness, in which, as soon as we become aware of ourselves as the 'subject' me, we simultaneously become aware of the 'object' you."

Words and Rules; The Ingredients of Language. This one came from the bargain bin for 4.99! And primarily I want to read it for professional development seeing as I will be teaching grade 3 literacy in the coming school year - a seemingly radical departure from quadratic functions and trigonometry! My expectation was that this would be an unbearably boring read but thus far has been compelling and full of wit. The author (Steven Pinker) has published several meaty language research based books and writes in a conversational style. He is a native of Montreal and studied at McGill and Harvard. He currently teaches at MIT.

Math for Mystics. Okay, I'm still a bit of a geek! But this is cool - it is all about the mystic inspired mathematics regarding the moon, days of the week, magic squares, templar codes, Pythagoreans, Fibonacci, geometric solids...

Buddhism; A Concise Introduction. I've already devoured a good chunk of this book. On a personal and spiritual level, I'm highly interested in Buddhism. This is more or less Buddha for dummies but none-the-less is well written and has captured my attention.

Creating Money; Keys to Abundance. So who isn't into the law of attraction? This book seemed completely solid right up until the part I realize that it is 'written' by the authors' spirit guides! Just in case you were interested, the spirit guides' names are Orin and DaBen!

And to bring balance to this heavy load of pseudo-intellectualism razzle-dazzle, I also bought 5 funny/somewhat trashy hopefully lusty sex filled brain candy autopilot I can't quite believe this passes for fiction novels.

Wherever you are, breathe and smile!

Rocky

Round the Ol' Oak Tree

The Great Divide

Watered

My trip is going well. Although, I'm tired and seem to be having difficulty sleeping and resting. I sense much tension inside myself and was hoping that I would be able to let all of that go. I'm home for two short weeks and feel the pull of friends and family who want pieces of me - on a purely selfish level I would like to hermit away and be only on my time.

Just before leaving to come home I read an interesting article on how to make even difficult decisions in 60 seconds. The abridged version is that all of our decisions should reflect who we see our best selves to be. Rather than a laborious list of wants and needs to base our choices on, we should simply ask "Does it fit how I see myself? Does it make me happy?"

It is so easy to get caught up in duty - I fall victim to this all of the time. I am also recognizing fear within, fear of things that I could never have imagined living inside of me. And as much as I would like to think that the disappointment and or approval of certain people does not play into my decision making, it does. I hurt at the thought of being hurtful, even if the intent is not there - letting go, involves letting go of something or someone. Yet, I acknowledge that my pure and unaffected self has come to a few decisions here that need to be carried through.

The sucky part of adulthood is an obligation to take responsibility for and recognize who we are. Just a little black or white would be welcome. I look down one road and see a certain life - a good one, filled with good things and long-time friends who have chosen a similar path. The other road seems blurred. There are signposts but I cannot read them. There are too many Y's to count, some lead in and out of yellow woods and others don't. And sitting here right at this moment, all I want is the possibility of yellow woods. And right there, there is where the answer is - my 60 second decision. That I have know for such a long time but despite, keep clinging to the fertile soil of familiar, even though it suits me not.

Namaste.

Enroute to the river

The men folk

Dad, brother and uncle Tom enjoying the river view.

Don't drink the water

Me and my lovely and very prego sister. Shhh, she's having a baby girl!!!!

Yes, I am aware that I have an apron on.

After the big one

My nephew Brady and his 'modified' waders.

sunny summer days

Caught in mid sentence with my father.

Journeying with expression

I'm home and it feels quite wonderful. There has been an unusual amount of rain, so everything is fresh and lush and humid. I spent the night previous on the red-eye between Calgary and Montreal. It felt good to touch down in Fredericton and even better to reach my final hometown destination.

On some fronts things are busy, town seems to have lots of activity today. And, on other fronts things are quiet - my brother and his family no longer live across the street and dad is still in the west. The old house is the same as it always is. My sister is growing at an alarming rate! Believe it or not, I've not yet ventured to the river but am headed there soon (I'm sure she is calling my name). My regret so far is that I forgot my camera cable and will be unable to post pics.

I'm thinking about trying to post daily while I am home.

My agenda is no agenda. I want to get lots of exercise (I tend to do a lot of walking whenever I'm home), eat well, breathe, do some yoga, hang out with my family (and extended family), sit at the river and meditate, visit with my dear ol' auntie Clara. I've just started a very restricted diet for the next 3 days just to help put everything right from the inside out.

Life is beautiful. And I'm going to enjoy every bit of all this beautiful.