My trip is going well. Although, I'm tired and seem to be having difficulty sleeping and resting. I sense much tension inside myself and was hoping that I would be able to let all of that go. I'm home for two short weeks and feel the pull of friends and family who want pieces of me - on a purely selfish level I would like to hermit away and be only on my time.
Just before leaving to come home I read an interesting article on how to make even difficult decisions in 60 seconds. The abridged version is that all of our decisions should reflect who we see our best selves to be. Rather than a laborious list of wants and needs to base our choices on, we should simply ask "Does it fit how I see myself? Does it make me happy?"
It is so easy to get caught up in duty - I fall victim to this all of the time. I am also recognizing fear within, fear of things that I could never have imagined living inside of me. And as much as I would like to think that the disappointment and or approval of certain people does not play into my decision making, it does. I hurt at the thought of being hurtful, even if the intent is not there - letting go, involves letting go of something or someone. Yet, I acknowledge that my pure and unaffected self has come to a few decisions here that need to be carried through.
The sucky part of adulthood is an obligation to take responsibility for and recognize who we are. Just a little black or white would be welcome. I look down one road and see a certain life - a good one, filled with good things and long-time friends who have chosen a similar path. The other road seems blurred. There are signposts but I cannot read them. There are too many Y's to count, some lead in and out of yellow woods and others don't. And sitting here right at this moment, all I want is the possibility of yellow woods. And right there, there is where the answer is - my 60 second decision. That I have know for such a long time but despite, keep clinging to the fertile soil of familiar, even though it suits me not.