My trip is going well. Although, I'm tired and seem to be having difficulty sleeping and resting. I sense much tension inside myself and was hoping that I would be able to let all of that go. I'm home for two short weeks and feel the pull of friends and family who want pieces of me - on a purely selfish level I would like to hermit away and be only on my time.
Just before leaving to come home I read an interesting article on how to make even difficult decisions in 60 seconds. The abridged version is that all of our decisions should reflect who we see our best selves to be. Rather than a laborious list of wants and needs to base our choices on, we should simply ask "Does it fit how I see myself? Does it make me happy?"
It is so easy to get caught up in duty - I fall victim to this all of the time. I am also recognizing fear within, fear of things that I could never have imagined living inside of me. And as much as I would like to think that the disappointment and or approval of certain people does not play into my decision making, it does. I hurt at the thought of being hurtful, even if the intent is not there - letting go, involves letting go of something or someone. Yet, I acknowledge that my pure and unaffected self has come to a few decisions here that need to be carried through.
The sucky part of adulthood is an obligation to take responsibility for and recognize who we are. Just a little black or white would be welcome. I look down one road and see a certain life - a good one, filled with good things and long-time friends who have chosen a similar path. The other road seems blurred. There are signposts but I cannot read them. There are too many Y's to count, some lead in and out of yellow woods and others don't. And sitting here right at this moment, all I want is the possibility of yellow woods. And right there, there is where the answer is - my 60 second decision. That I have know for such a long time but despite, keep clinging to the fertile soil of familiar, even though it suits me not.
Namaste.
3 comments:
To me the choice is already inherent as both sides bring a result, the question is which will make you the HAPPIEST. Don't you think?
To me, the real question is are you brave enough to do it? Strong enough to live with the consequences and forward enough to see it through to completion?
Those factors are what drive me now, having played the 'happy' card. What seems greener isn't always grass on the other side, sometimes it's an excuse.
To me, the bottom line to being an adult (sucky, you're so right) is putting myself first from here on out as a matter of survival. Otherwise at the end of the day when you aren't happy you have no one else to blame and then you learn.
And then you grow.
Good luck, sweetheart. And Hugs for whatever decisions you're having to make.
There is no right path, just the right path at the time, I think. Your heart knows what it needs. But even so, it may still bring many hard miles ahead if you follow it. Life down any path isn't easy. There is work and obstacles on every single one of them. The freedom comes, I think, in taking the one that, if we are brave enough, would really lift a weight off our lives and bring a smile just thinking about it. There is no right answer, and no right strategy I don't think. I wish it did all boil down to a phrase like the "is it functional, is it beautiful?" rule of decorating. Life ain't so simple as choosing a rug.
Hello my girls!
Bridget and Terri, you are both in my heart and on my wavelength. It is beauty just to be in your company.
Thanks to you both for your words.
much love, angela
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