I just counted, this is my 8th blog since beginning school in September. You probably have no idea how sad this tally makes me. There are so many days I long to sit here and rattle this keyboard, all the while composing numerous posts in my head (which I assure you are far better than the ones I actually write down).
I'm taking the day off. Well, sort of off. Lately I feel like I am caught up in a never ending what if outcome loop that generates mountains of work that I can never get to. So I have opted for a personal day, in which I am going to spend the time at school trying my best to get caught up and plan for the remaining weeks until Christmas.
Right now I'm giving great effort to overcoming the bitterness I feel about having to take a personal day (I actually get to pay them for this priviledge!) and the 2 hours I spent last night preparing for a sub. Usually getting prep'ed doesn't take so long but I am in transition in almost everything and needing to introduce new topics. Also today is my outside duty day for the week, it seems kind of mean to lay all of this on a sub, so I tried my best to make the rest of her day as painless as possible.
On other fronts, life seems very confused. I'm not so good when I find myself with no personal space to sort through daily events. It is easy to become closed and choke the energizing flow that keeps me in balance. Today is an attempt to open this wider. My mind becomes the proverbial hampster on the wheel and needs to be manually switched to off.
Some time ago I posted with regard to a possible move back to Vancouver Island. From all the behind the scenes indications, this is going to happen in the new year. I find myself experiencing many mixed emotions about this. For one thing, I love our home here in the north. The VI market is much more expensive and staying in the same dollar range will mean a significant change. I know, I know... this is my ego talking! Also, teaching jobs are not easy to come by on the island. It could mean years of waiting in the wing on a substitute list. So while my husband advances and earns more, I may stall and take a serious pay cut! And to add to the stress the current housing market here in the north has just dipped for the first time in 7 years. Selling could prove to be difficult and not as lucrative as we had hoped.
On a more positive outlook... I love the Island (for those of you who are thinking remote island in the Pacific, don't! VI is the size of Nova Scotia and is home to the capital city of British Columbia). It is incredibly beautiful. The place and the people are grounded and seem to have their priorities less mixed up. We lived there for 8 years and I can honestly say that in that time I felt more like I had found home than anywhere else I have ever lived, including my first love the Miramichi. Truthfully, I want to go. I'm just not sure I've done all the living here that I want to do.
Ah, I feeler calmer already. Do you find blogging meditative? Sometimes I find it to be the best medicine for what ails me.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. Gilda Radner
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