In my element...: Where this came from...I just don't know.

It seems that in the last few years, a common thread in my writings has been about letting go. I don't think that I have ever been particularly attached to things but when I made a substantial relocation move in 2002, it truly surprised me just how much stuff I had accumulated. Lots of brick n' brack, or whatever else people like to call it.

Looking at all that useless clutter gave me heartache and I swore that I would never walk that road again. I thought about the wasted time, money and energy I had put into storing all those small items. Hundreds of dollars in knickknacks, shipped off to the goodwill to become someone else's yard sale material. I can't for the life of me remember even one item that got left behind.

Somehow those trinkets lead me to look in other areas. The not so obvious places. Areas that are not displayed on shelves. Or even just hidden in the spare room closet. They have roots that run deep and they don't get collected in green bags on garbage day.

They go around with you and slink and slither into every move you make. They sometimes tell you lies and burden you down with their weight. They tell you that you are responsible for other people's happiness. That you must try harder. Do better. Be more. More beautiful. More thinner. More everything to everyone.

They are the elixir of the miserable. But the kicker is that they somehow convince you that no one else can know that you are completely in their grasp. And so, you play by their rules and pretend to be what you are not because you believe that is the right thing to do.

So who are they?

They are the deepest, darkest, stankyiest, ugliest, perverse ideas and fears you hold about yourself. The "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough", "I'm not pretty enough"...enough enough enough.

No matter who you are, what you do, where you have been, you are ENOUGH. You are good enough and smart enough and pretty enough and worthy enough and then some.

It is OK to get pissed off at all of the people who have fucked you over and made you cry. It is OK to be this with yourself - if you have been one of the people! And haven't we all? At one time or another? So if you need to, get good and mad. Get mad and stay that way for a week. Call in sick every day from one Monday to the next. Make a list of whomever has wronged you. Write them letters you will never send, speak to them as though they are in the room with you. Don't let anyone off the hook, even the one's you love more than life itself.

Then make your peace, inside your own heart. Because 95% of all your bullshit lives inside your head. And it fills it up and creates barriers that keeps you down, not them. They have their own walls and demons. How do I know? Because pain breeds pain and we hurt others because we need to share it, dish it out and spread it around. As humans, we seem to have a certain drama factor. We want to perpetuate the pain, keep it close. It has been a dysfunctional friend for so long.

And the process begins. I have been journeying for years now. But I'm changed. And, I'm on the other side now. On the side where there is enough to the nth degree.

As I've been writing this I was thinking of a song by Jan Arden called Waiting in Canada. It seems so appropriate. Namaste.

every tear you cry

every doubt you have

all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes your little old heart would break

wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want burn them in a glass

write down the things you dream of

make a paper plane that flies to heaven

and buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

that's where I'll be waiting

all of the empty rooms