Friday, March 28, 2008

Today I am just going to start writing and see where it leads. I have many ungrounded thoughts that are doing leap frog dances through my brain. On some level they do make sense and I can see their connectedness, however trying to convey them could be grounds for institutionalization.

It would seem that just in the last few weeks I have entered into a deeper level of personal development, I call it this for lack of a better descriptor. A lot of things seem to be in confluence, coming together, flowing with ease. Remarkably these "things" are not necessarily "easy" things and in a way should contradict any sort of flow. I must attribute it to getting better at setting aside my own ego and letting things find their own natural rhythm.

Many of the things I really want to write about I am not giving myself permission to explore in this forum. I'm not ready to be that open about certain ideas I am having nor am I prepared for the onslaught of misinterpretation that might come from some readers.

To skirt the issue and yet still talk about it, let me tell you this. Yesterday two lovely people, Jehovah's Witnesses, showed up at my door. I'm one of those strange people who actually enjoys talking with JWs. They are incredibly passioned in their beliefs. They also tend to be very scripted and show up as the perfect neighbor next door who just wants to slip in a single bible verse and ask you how you feel about it or what you think it means. I don't look like the sort of person who has an extensive knowledge of the bible, so I'm pretty sure I often catch them off guard and can counter just about any argument and do it better than they can. Especially when I move beyond the verse they initially present - you soon find out they were unprepared for a pop quiz.

For many years I tried to argue them. Loved doing it in fact! They were wrong and I was right. Obviously my interpretation of the bible was better than theirs. Didn't they know that I was the one going to heaven and they were the ones doomed to hell.

Yesterday, however our conversation while lengthy was non confrontational in anyway. They seemed genuinely interested in my future conversion to Buddhism and the fact that I had chosen this path after being brought up born-again seemed to dumbfound and confound. What I realized is that JW's see themselves as very peace loving and a class above traditional christian sects. They do not go to war and they do not celebrate many of the pagan rituals that are pervasive in the christian church. For this I applaud them and all things being equal, if I were interested in following a christian faith/doctrine I may well consider the JW model. At this point I don't ever see that happening.

One note to add to this process of peace that they see themselves involved in is that their means can be very inciteful. Going door to door and offering your version of a better Jesus can be grounds for great conflict. Those who care will care A LOT! And will feel compelled to battle you to the death for daring to insult the religious beliefs that they are very feverish about. Christians seems to scramble to have a monopoly on whose Jesus is the right Jesus and spend their hard earned cash promoting their version of truth throughout the world. After all, we couldn't have those JW's being the only ones out there converting the pagan masses and doing it WRONG at that! It all seems incredibly humorous when I stand back and take it all in.

Now when I started I didn't exactly plan on going off on the JW's or any kind of Jesus mousetrap. What I did intend to explore was that part of me that can decline the fight. The part that no longer has to win and therefore does not need to expend all of that energy trapped in tangles that serve no purpose.

To put an analogy to it, it is like I have been walking in a corridor with lots of doors with signs on them. Somehow I got to the end of the hall with out opening any of the doors. To my blessed surprise a beautiful garden full of light and love awaited me at the end. And now I get to explore this warmth and light until I start to crave some other important lessons.

I know me and I know that the garden will not always satisfy. But for right now I will drink it all in.



joanne said...

The more I read the more similarities I see between my newly discovered blog friend and myself. It is hard to describe really, a process that has taken and continues to take an entire lifetime, my fingers feeling like jumping across the keyboard to try to fit it all in to a tiny comment box.

I am currently in the process of migrating over my old blogs to merge them into one and this process takes a lot of formatting. Reading parts of my journey over the last several years has been quite interesting and has taught me a great deal about where I have been, where I am, where I am going, and where I have always been and didn't even know it.

Like you, I might have had a very different response to the JW knock at the door five or so years ago. In my own distorted bias I would have taken up the challenge to prove myself right and them wrong, how sad that "they" are not living THE truth. Interesting how when your mind opens you are able to see value in everything and approach others with an attitude of compassion and common ground, as opposed to an adversarial position born from separateness.

Myself I have been very drawn to the Sufi way with much overlap in Buddhism, and quite surprisingly to myself have a newly discovered love of Jesus in ways I never did when I was a supposed "follower". To realize just because a teaching is distorted does not mean there is no value in the teaching itself has been a huge revelation to me, not so much on an intellectual level, but more at the level of the heart. I can have a heart for the teachings of Jesus in ways I never knew when immersed in the biases of the past.

Letting the words just flow is something I too am doing more of. It can be frightening to be so open, so naked, so revealed, especially online, but I have also found a great deal of value in the times when I have been a bit more exposed, even in those times when I am misinterpreted. I know I tend to be extremely sensitive to judgment and criticism, and in exposing myself more to it, I am finding less of an attachment to my own ego sensitivities and elaborations.

Thank you for letting the words go where they would when you started and when you finished. Thank you for your open mind and your open heart.

And before I ramble any more and create an entire blog post in your comments (or maybe it's too late), I will wish you a beautiful day and a restful weekend.

hugs :)

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Smarts said...

Good morning Joanne. :-) I know exactly what you mean by similarities. Several of your postings I have read and at the very same time I'm smiling as I was thinking along a parallel vien.

I like what you said "where I have always been and didn't even know it". As a child I can remember thinking, to myself of course, that if I hadn't been brought up christian then I never would have become such - and this was when I was very young. Age has given me both time and courage to assimilate my many conflicting views of the world - now I am trying to harmonize them.

I find that I rarely hold back when I write as I often surprise myself with where the words just seems to go. I especially liked your post on words being an imprint of a moment and apart from this they really just reflect that point in time, in how we were feeling or percieving reality - but once words go down, they become a permanent record and take on a life of their own.

Blessings to you on this beautiful day (at least it is in my neck of the frozen forest). a

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