Musing the Fork

It came out like a river once I let it out

When I thought that I wouldn't know how

Held onto it forever just pushing it down

Felt so good to let go of it now

No wrapping this in ribbons

Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chris Daughtry, No Surprise

I've been sitting at the fork. Somewhat bidding my time. You know, that place where the road divides in a yellow wood. Bittersweet, this spot. Feels like home, like all the things you've grown up with and love and have come to expect that they will just always be there. When you need them.

My mind seems like a hardwood ridge to me right now. In my head... Beautiful trees, maples, birches and a few spread out beeches. It is the peak of fall and a multitude of reds, yellows and browns litter the ground beneath. It is fun to run through the trees, trying not to slip on the decaying undergrowth or to snag my foot on rogue roots where the dirt has eroded away.

When I was a kid I would walk the lane across the street from my home, for hours. Lost in thought. Admiring the beauty. Afraid of nothing, even though my mother tried her best to terrify me of bears (which I never once saw). Life to me was like a hardwood ridge. You climbed to the top and it seemed as though a trail was possible whichever way you looked. I never tired of this and I never concerned myself with making a wrong turn or not finding my way back. Such was impossible.

Today

November is one of my favorite months in the north. Everything starts to freeze up in November. This part of the earth slows down, goes deep. Snow gets crunchy beneath your feet. The night wraps you in a blanket which is strangely comforting after the length of summer days that are yet to be forgotten.

The trees are naked now and most days they are covered in a thick layer of ice frost that cloaks every branch. During the day, the sun lights them up, highlighting every crystal against a clear blue sky. At night, the street lights cast them in pure silver radiance, illuminating them against the indigo black of the north sky.

There are people in my life who think I'm a little insane for being here, even by Canadian standards I'm living in the far north! And I just think that this is in some earnest way my very own holy grail ~ something so few get to experience, I might as well enjoy it while I'm here. There is beauty every where you go, some places just aren't as obvious to the masses. There are moments when I wish I was closer, yet even as I write this, I smile and wonder... closer to what? The heart doesn't really know distance, the heart only knows how to beat and to love ~ and I am learning that neither time nor physicality are barriers to the places and people I love ~ their spirits continue to move and jive with mine. Frequently, they feel like they are in the room when I take a few minutes to just sit and breathe.

The north is teaching me the great lesson of now. Of time. Of everything and nothing. All of which I am.

Namaste.

The Road Not Taken

I'm thankful for poets and writers and painters and dreamers that phrase things just so. How awful the world would be, were it not for those who have a knack of expressing things just the way they should be ~ be that in either picture or verse. This creative force adds such energy to the world, electrifying the invisible waves around us.

Tonight I had a very long talk with my aunt Clara on the phone. Our conversations are one of the greatest joys in my life (and my life is pretty joyous!). I believe that she and I have been connected for many lifetimes, that this is not the first we have shared and I doubt it will be the last! She's always helped me to be courageous and has shared her wisdom gently.

I related to her about an area of my life that has opened up. And words that I am biting my tongue not to say aloud. And how this had been suppressed by my own fear of inconsequential things, finding myself free'd! She said, "Ange, you're at a fork in the road. And this fork is new. And it is okay to rest here for a while. Just sit with it and appreciate the fork. Imagine what each road will feel like, and you'll know."

And of course I'm going to leave you with Robert Frost and his famous 1916 poem. But before I do, what are your forks in the road? Is there something burning inside of you that you need to sit with, and appreciate that you have a choice? That your biggest fears reside in the mirror?

Namaste.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Traveling with Van Gogh

It is snowing outside, several inches have accumulated. I can hear the furnace kicking in and out. Jeremy is busy in the kitchen cooking us oatmeal. I'm enjoying blogging from the living room where I can both watch the flakes swirl on the front step and catch a glimpse of J as he moves about.

It's a good life.

This week as an art project, we did a reproduction in oil pastels of van Gogh's Road with Cypresses, c.1890. They turned out amazingly, especially when displayed as a collection. It was moving to see the kids so into it, mixing color, smudging, creating.

I've had a lot of interest in van Gogh for a while now. Reading the letters that he sent to his brother Theo is such a personal way to get to know a self. I miss that no one writes letters anymore. I know, email... but it lacks the romance of letter writing. Not only did Vincent write many letters and paint a lot of pictures, he also walked countless miles. In his letters he details the ordinary beauty of the many country groves and city streets he made his way through. I bring this knowledge to his work when I view it. Brings out the reality in the impressionism.

Next summer when I go travelling, I'm allowing books I've read to help guide me. For instance, my interest in van Gogh is pushing me toward spending a week in Amsterdam where an entire museum is dedicated to his work. Just imagining it is warming me to the core on this wintry day.

Drawings have always been the P.S. part of van Gogh's work, ...

Yet he was a letter writer, a guy with a pen in his hand.

Colta Ives

My Day

"Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..." Isaiah 61:3

I had this incredibly beautiful day, today. For no reason. It just was. My students and I walked to the pool for swimming and on the way there, I had an overwhelming sense that all was right with the world. The kind of rightness you breathe in and fill up on, holding it close to your chest, feeling the warmth of it like sunshine on a late February afternoon.

Could there be a finer gift than the proclivity to embrace life? To make the most of the days we are given? To extend ourselves out, beyond the boundaries of mind and body so that our very pulse beats on the outside?

When I allow this to happen, magic is made before my very eyes - our hearts get intertwined and our minds entangle.

Namaste.

Words

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie

There are words that you just can't take back. Once they're out of the bag, they can NEVER be stuffed back in. They ride a one-way ticket straight to Your Future Has Been Forever Changed street. And sometimes it takes everything you have, every ounce of resolve, not to open that bag up so wide that the entire contents are given wings, flying where they will into the great wide-open.

Take your chances on however it might unravel? Cause unravel it will.

Soul of the World

For a bit now, I have been slow-reading a book called Soul of the World: Unlocking Secrets of Time by Christopher Dewdney. It is both a philosophical and practical look at the many ways we think about, interact with and function within the boundaries of time. Dewdney is a highly acclaimed Canadian poet, and his work is infused with the kind of mesmerizing language you would expect from just such a writer.

Initially I was drawn to this book (while roaming around Chapters in an altered state of bliss) by the title. Just prior I had finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (for the second time cause it's that good) in which the main character, Santiago, a young Spanish shepherd pursues his deepest imaginings. While doing so, he comes to understand the soul of the world and is guided somewhat supernaturally through his journey by reading the omens that he encounters and opening to the possibilities in life. To stumble upon a book titled Soul of the World on the heels of The Alchemist seemed itself permeated by fate.

Here is an excerpt...

Later, when darkness was firmly established, I went out into the yard again to take a look at the night sky. I was shocked. The night was stuffed with stars. I felt like the only person in an enchanted planetarium, bewitched by the demiurge of night. It was as if another order of darkness had been revealed, as if a layer had been peeled away to reveal a truer darkness, a deeper night, that fill me with dizzy awe. I wondered if the owl I'd seen in March was nearby, sitting on a branch in the secret reaches of night, its eyes sparkling with mystery. The sky was so clear and transparent it seemed that space was somehow closer to the surface of the earth. And everywhere stars. Clusters of stars, necklaces of stars. They sang like destiny in silver notes, and I could see them for what they were - distant, atomic fires of unthinkable immensity, inconceivably remote in time.

Starlight is pure history. Perhaps all time - past, present and future - exist at once, everywhere. But the stars take the prize. The night sky contains starlight that started its journey to earth during the Roman era, during the age of dinosaurs, and even from before the earth existed. In the vastness of space, light seems to slow to a crawl, and the vacuum becomes a crystal jelly.

Above all else, words have always been my heart's seducer. This one is a keeper.

Namaste.

My friend Joanne has my head spinning in mazes and labyrinth thoughts and thinking about courage. Always dangerous territory!

You and Me

Have you ever thought about why it is so easy to share yourself with some people and not others? Every so often you alight upon that someone that opens you up with such ease... your whole being seems to tumble on out like milk falling off the counter. You can feel it happening in a slow motion reel, never in time to catch the cup.

And it seems perfectly acceptable to let it spill all over. Does a body good to dismiss the walls life has a way of building up.

But it does leave one feeling vulnerable. And alive. And full of desire for more.

Perhaps I am in need of drinking wine til the wee hours of the morning with friends. And forgetting this non-sense of believing myself understood.

Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society

"Have you ever noticed that when your mind is awakened or drawn to someone new, that person's name suddenly pops up everywhere you go? My friend Sophie calls it coincidence, and Mr. Simpless, my parson friend, calls it Grace. He thinks that if one cares deeply about someone or something new one throws a kind of energy out into the world, and fruitfulness is drawn in."

Excerpt of a letter written from Juliet to Dawsey

Authors: Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows

P.S. This book is not to be missed. I'm going to mourn it when it ends.

The Man Watching

It's been a poetry-infused-inside-my-own-head kind of weekend. There is obviously some unresolved nostalgia/romanticism coursing through my veins. :-) Must be the nip in the air, making me want to curl up in a big chair with a blanket and a book I can't put down. Rilke is on my mind, my most cherished of all the poets I have yet to read. And from his prolific collection of verse, this my most beloved. Namaste.

The Man Watching

by Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after

so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes

that a storm is coming,

and I hear the far-off fields say things

I can't bear without a friend,

I can't love without a sister

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on

across the woods and across time,

and the world looks as if it had no age:

the landscape like a line in the psalm book,

is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!

What fights us is so great!

If only we would let ourselves be dominated

as things do by some immense storm,

we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,

and the triumph itself makes us small.

What is extraordinary and eternal

does not want to be bent by us.

I mean the Angel who appeared

to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:

when the wrestler's sinews

grew long like metal strings,

he felt them under his fingers

like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel

(who often simply declined the fight)

went away proud and strengthened

and great from that harsh hand,

that kneaded him as if to change his shape.

Winning does not tempt that man.

This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,

by constantly greater beings.

One thing leads to another.

Tonight while looking at a map of Europe and dreaming about next summer's expedition, I located Crete, an island off the coast of Greece which is in the south Aegean Sea. Which got me thinking about a poem I'd studied long ago. So I promptly google'd it. It is far more beautiful than I could have recalled (and is actually about the English Dover Cliffs). I love how these things seem to always fit together and complete my mood. Enjoy.

Dover Beach

The sea is calm to-night.

The tide is full, the moon lies fair

Upon the straits;--on the French coast the light

Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,

Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.

Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!

Only, from the long line of spray

Where the sea meets the moon-blanch'd land,

Listen! you hear the grating roar

Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,

At their return, up the high strand,

Begin, and cease, and then again begin,

With tremulous cadence slow, and bring

The eternal note of sadness in.

***

Sophocles long ago

Heard it on the Ægean, and it brought

Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow

Of human misery; we

Find also in the sound a thought,

Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

***

The Sea of Faith

Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore

Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furl'd.

But now I only hear

Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,

Retreating, to the breath

Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear

And naked shingles of the world.

***

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Matthew Arnold, 1851

Recycled

I initially wrote this post December 2006. Thought it was worth a re-share.

tonight I've come undone. it feels deliriously and deliciously wonderful. i'm a little drunk and a little euphoric. and a little on fire for all the things i've yet to do but know that i will conquer.

we take ourselves too seriously. we think things are do or die. who are we kidding? we are specks of dust in a world of wonder and joyous anticipation. we are not our house or our car or our occupation! we are. we are. we are.

we are flesh and blood. we are spirits soaring and crashing. we are tears weeping and laughter echoing. we are this mind of firing synapses and this heart of pumping blood and lungs of oxygen pockets. inhaling our humanity that reaches out like floating particles in the air.

we are not where we come from. we are this moment. only this moment. in a universe measured by our trips around the sun. we are this creative force of genius, a chip off the divinity block. if only we would let ourselves be, if only we would get out of our own way. we, you and me, meeting here in this cyber moment in space, destined to break free of this illusionary life.

don't over-think it. just be with it. sit with it. dance with. walk with it. talk with it. sing with it. move with it. the rhythm in your head, the ancient beat of a drum you can't forget but haven't yet heard.

feel it. move with it. live it.

this is who you are.

The Weekend is Here!

I'm happy for the weekend to be here! And it is a beautiful day in the north with clear blue sky above and and a reprieve from the cold north outflow air. We were experiencing some early winter last weekend, so it nice to see a reversal on that, if even for just a few days!

Unfortunately work is calling my name and I'm going to have to go in for a bit today and clear off my desk (when my desk gets messy I get stressed) and do some paper work. It was a harried week, complete with two back to back evenings of P/T interviews. Yesterday afternoon I took my kids to the track just to walk off some of their energy. A colleague asked me where I was going to which I replied "I don't want to teach and they don't want to learn! So we're making it a double gym period today!" Her response, "I completely understand."

Overall, I really don't mind putting in a few weekend hours. I try not to do it every weekend as it is a fast recipe for burnout. But I do enjoy the serenity of my classroom both when it is empty and full of kids. I especially love it when it is full of happy children finding ways to express their own genius, it is a heart-warming thing! But to make it all work smooth requires directed thought and planning. And honestly, that is part of the fun. My classroom has a kick-ass stereo system, so I usually take an assortment of Blue Rodeo cds and rock out.

Hope you are enjoying some down time and outdoor walking weather, wherever you may be.

Namaste.

Long Day

On my way out for a vigorous walk and then a long hot epsom salt soak. Really stoked about that second part!

Thanksgiving

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. Some celebrate on Sunday and others save the big meal for today. We went to a friend's house last night and observed the occasion with smoked turkey and all the fixings. Earlier in the day Jeremy and I made apple pie and maple pumpkin cheesecake, both of which turned out wonderfully! It has been a long time since we tandem cooked in the kitchen and for the most part it was quite pleasant.

Jeremy's dad has been visiting with us from New Brunswick since Wednesday which has put some strain on our household. It is a considerable trip for him. His oldest son sponsored the visit by providing the airmiles for flying. Not exactly the weekend I was looking forward to but... I'm going to say this knowing full well that it sounds completely uncharitable. I can't wait until he leaves!

Sometimes I have difficulty with Jeremy because he purposefully imitates his father to get under my skin (and boy does it ever). Seeing them side by side is a gracious reminder of just how unalike they truly are. This visit hasn't been easy for him either.

So as not to leave this post in a completely negative vein, here are some things for which I am very thankful:

1. Being born to intelligent and intellectual parents which whom I continue to have important and interesting conversations.

2. Friends to celebrate with.

3. Long invigorating walks on cold fall days.

4. My new North Face winter jacket to take those walks in. :-)

5. That I believe in the possibilities. At any time I choose, I am able to change the entire course of my life.

Namaste. Many rich blessings heading your way.

"We are not born blank canvases to be painted on by others. We come in with definite personalities, gifts, challenges and lessons we seem to be fatefully pulled to learn." MELODY SCOTT ZINDELL

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill.

This simple quote just might sum up the meaning of life. Continue. Keep on keeping on. Run the good race.

Not Much

Ah, a Sunday night and I don't have to go to work tomorrow! Feels like I am cheating, sitting here at this keyboard at 11pm and not castigating myself off to bed. It has been an exceptional weekend, I'm hesitant to see it end.

I so enjoy just hanging out with my sister and her little girl. Ava, who just turned 2 is first-class entertainment! Last night we were playing 'kitchen' and she farted while filling up the dishwasher and I exclaimed "Ava, you farted!" She just looked at me and said with absolute deadpan "Wasn't me." I know it is one of those had to be there moments, but still it was one of many that has kept me smiling all weekend long.

It has also been great getting to see my dad for a couple of days. We plan to go for some breakfast and a bit of shopping tomorrow before I have to get to the airport and return north. He is in very good humour, which pleases me to no-end because I assure you when I was home this summer that was not the case! He has been taking a supplement that's had positive results with his knees and overall health, it is definitely showing in his disposition and I am so thankful for the change.

Once I get back up to High Level I will be on my own for a few days. Jeremy is working in Edmonton for the rest of the week and won't be back until Friday, with his dad in tow ~ who will be staying through the Thanksgiving weekend. For right now though, I'm looking forward to the house to myself and some long hot baths!

Me.

I'm not interested in Knights in Shining Armour. And I never have been. I don't desire rescuing on any level. Really, what in life could you possibly need salvation from? The experience of being alive? Then what would be the point?

wants

What are your wants. Not your needs, your wants. Above all other things, what are your heart's desires? Are they basic like food and shelter? Or something drastic like quiting your job? Running away with your best friends husband? Shopping till the car can't hold another box?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.

But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.

Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Onward, Upward

As a progressive and evolving being, man is where he is that he may learn where he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lessons which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances. James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As a Man Thinketh

"Man is made or unmade by himself, in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools by which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choices and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master." James Allen from the book As A Man Thinketh

Compass Rose

I just never quite know how any of these blog entries are going to turn out until they are done! I'm prone to tangents and random turns of events. :-) But that is ok. In a way it is how I live my life so the fact that 'my' blog reflects this should come as no big surprise to me.

Summer is fully over now (at least where I live) and that is reflected both in the changing temperatures and turning leaves, but more significantly in my work. Gone are the carefree days of aimless wanderlust replaced by preparing lessons and early morning alarm clocks. Honestly, I don't mind, school keeps me grounded and focused (and truth be told I absolutely love it even on the difficult days). Plus, would summer really be as good if not for the busyness of these fall/winter months?

I'm trying to make a short list for next summer of where my travels will take me. Of course Italy is in the top 5! I envision seeing the countryside and perhaps traveling by ferry to northern Africa to the city of Tunis. Part of the grade 3 curriculum in this province includes a study of Tunisia, it would be enriching to actually travel there and take in some of the culture. I'd like to compare and contrast first hand the two places ~ both a part of the Mediterranean but one predominately Christian, the other Muslim. Also, observe (if any) the affects of two distinct continents.

Also in the top 5 is Amsterdam. One main reason is that English is so accessible in Holland and spoken by all, that and the beauty of the city with its many canals and stone bridges. It is also easy travel from there to so many other European cities. Given that I already speak some French it would be an opportunity to also visit parts of France and Belgium without communication getting in the way (something I did find frustrating while in Italy).

So far I really only have these two as part of the top 5! But I am open to suggestions! Prague, perhaps? Croatia? Spain and Portugal? Wherever I decide on, I would like to spend the majority of my time in that main country, take my time there and really get a feel for what it is like to be a citizen of that region. I also plan on going for a minimum of 4 weeks and ideally as long as 6! But Euros are much pricier than Canadian $$$s, so the exact time remains unknown at present.

It pleases me to no end that I have all of this to dream about and research over the next few months! For so long, I felt this overwhelming discontent with the undisciplined directions I was allowing my life to take. In a recent post I commented on how this summer I seemed to have gained an added measure of courage. Perhaps it is age. At 37 I can embrace not really giving so much of a shit about many things. And I have finally broken free of the self-imposed weight of others expectations, including my parents and husband. Tis good. I can accept that this new found "not giving a shit" is changing the dynamics of those relationships. But I'm going to just let that be what it is going to be.

Namaste. Fill your heart with love and appreciation for all that you are already.

Reckoning

Although today was not a perfect day it was still, a perfectly good day. Do you ever take a moment to let it dawn on you how fantastic it is just to live (even when it is shit!). Sometimes I just smile and think to myself "Damn but I love my life!" All of it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Do you have a safety net?

“It's your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.” Peter McWilliams

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

The sun just set about 20 minutes ago. It went down right before my eyes. Reminded me of all the things that keep on happening without any thought or effort from me. Every single person on this earth gets to experience these gifts ~ such as the sun setting and rising, the stars in the night sky, the moon as she moves through her phases, and 10,000 other things ~ all without the price of admission. One merely has to open their eyes and acknowledge.

Maybe it is because I grew up in a small town where life moved along slowly that I remember to look for such things. Or maybe it is that I now live in Alberta where the sky is so big one can't help but take notice of her as she stretches from one flat horizon to the next. Whatever the reason, the goddess mother always seems to be near me. And I like it that way. I take comfort in a knowing that none of this needs me to get along.

And it made we wonder, is this an area where we go wrong in life? Spending our time taking on needless responsibilities for things that will continue to turn without our interference? And by putting ourselves in charge of things that need no custody, are we neglecting the deeper meaning and issues of our own essence?

These become busy work. Distracting us. Making us feel wanted and important. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I must do this!" Keeping us occupied. Filling up our days so there is no room for the other. And before you know it we've encapsulated our lives in a safety net, strung around our necks so tightly we can't untangle from the multitude of things that never needed us in the first place.

So as you travel through your life in the next few days, think about this. What things are you taking on in your world that don't actually need you? Why do you do it? Because you love it and want to? Or because it creates an escape from what you'd rather not deal with?

Namaste.

I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A

Today

I just spent a fantastic day with old high school friends. What a treat! Five of us girls got together and canoed the river. Tonight I'm having dinner with another great friend from days pasts.

Have loved every minute of this summer! So great.

Promise to do some real blogging soon - may even post some pics! Hope you are all doing well.

Space Between

Some loves never leave you - no matter how far you roam. Even when it is a lifetime and there are ques of loves in between. Those moments that are special don't tarnish just because other beings wander in and out.

Carpe Diem

Today is our first full day in Rome. Great hotel, very quiet and in the heart of the Ancient city. We can see the ruins of the Roman Forum from our window!

Got a great sleep last night and just about ready to head out on foot. The map looks large but the streets are all narrow and winding, so getting from one place to another is quick. Looking forward to exploring the Forum, Coliseum and Tiber River within the next few hours. Will also make time for wine drinking and soaking up this weather - azure sky and the faintest of a breeze - I will have to tuck this away and remember it in the December.

A.

You & Me and all of the people...

Wanting what you can never have... well, I guess we all know how that goes.

But I want it anyway.
And I think I'm almost there on letting the other go.

More Wanderlust

Soon to be Rome-ing around! I leave for Italy tomorrow!!!! Too excited to sleeep. :-0

Walk On

The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. U2

It's late. I just came in from the river and in truth I hated to leave. The night is clear, the moon waxing almost at her full sphere. She's casting long shadows on the pine trees and lighting up the rooftops.

~

As a kid I spent a large portion of my life in this same back field, lying in dewy grass staring at the night sky. Just letting the stars imprint themselves on my mind's eye. Accompanied by the sound of the river (the Mozart to the Van Gogh above me). Wondering. About it all.

~

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind (U2)

~

I'm so thankful for my life. It is such a gift of grace to recognize this journey as it unfolds in front of me. As though I have stumbled upon the very soul of the world and can hear its beat inside myself. To this I bow with my whole heart open.

~

Namaste.

Scribles of the Day

Lately I've been breathing deeply, taking life all in and letting it move through me like air. It feels good. I also feel strong and contented, even though I'm sensing change around the bend.

Today I went to church and listened to my father preach. I sat with certainty as his words washed over me and knew the truth in my heart to be my truth, not his. It was liberating and I sat with those moments, embracing a freedom I've never felt in either my heart or mind. It was euphoric in a quiet non-assuming way that can never be shared with those among whom I sat.
~

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul.

~

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~

"Invictus," by William Earnest Henley

A delicate balance...

I don't think I've mentioned it but I've recently lost 10 lbs! And it wasn't really that difficult. I've been on what my friend and I refer to simply as 'the plan'. Want to know the secret?

How you pair your food. You eat starches (bread & pasta) alone or with vegetables. Allow 3 hours for digesting before eating again. Eat fruit by itself with a 3 hour window on either side. Meat can be eaten by itself or with lots of garden fresh salad and/or non-starchy vegetables. Coffee is off the menu (okay, I haven't fully given up the coffee but I've replaced a good 70% with tea - which is acceptable for the plan). Dairy falls under the meat category and therefore eating cereal with milk is not ideal and should be avoided. Nuts make for a very good snack. Avoid processed foods including those devoid of any nutritional value (pop, chips, chocolate). Use non-pasturized honey to get you over the craving humps! In fact, honey is highly encouraged.

And voila, just like that I've dropped poundage.

Along with this I've been learning more about the body's ph levels. Come to find out disease can not live in an alkaline body. Fat doesn't like to hang around either! A ph of 7.0 to 7.6 is excellent, above this the body becomes too alkaline, causing equally harmful health effects. However, the chances of achieving alkalinity this high is close to impossibie (the standard American diet/lifestyle is highly acidic).

The eating style described above is in keeping with improving the alkalinity of the body as well as improving digestion (starches and meat protiens are NOT intestinal friends - this is part of the reason you feel like you're going to die after chowing down on Christmas dinner!) Especially if you limit the amout of animal protien being consumed (meat is very acidic, as is coffee) and cut out the processed stuff.

Now that I'm starting to get a handle on this way of eatting, I'm also getting serious about monitoring my ph. Tonight I tested my urine and had a level of 6.5. I've got my work cut out for me! While in the city this weekend I picked up a water supplement called Cellfood. It was recommended in the Ultimate pH Solution book that I read recently. Apparently it is helpful with restoring optimal pH levels.

I'm not going to test again until next weekend and my goal is to take the Cellfood 'as directed' for the entire week. I'm very interested to see if there is any change.

Looking for more information? Check out http://www.cellfood.com/ and http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977193128 .

Dry Well

It would be great if I had some inspirational words today. But they're ain't none. Truly clever and awesome. Again sorry. There's still nothing.

Compass

A person can easily get themselves caught up in their circumstances. Feel trapped. Think there is no way out. Berate themselves because their situation is basically good and yet they don't really want what they have. Worry that if they do let it all go, what lies around the corner will be the worser evil.

This kind of thinking creates a lot of self-doubt and general dis contentedness in life. It is good to want change and one must examine closely what they truly want and how to get there with the least amount of collateral damage. Our lives are intertwined and our actions do impact others - our families, our friends, our colleagues. Yet despite this, this is your life. You should get what you want out of it.

In the moment

It was a great day. The kind that makes you feel like you're doing what you should be and even better, that you're having success doing it.

Pretending Again

Lately I've been learning a lot, even though I'm not sure what to make of it all, yet anyway! There have been these moments when I've felt myself encapsulated in fear and not quite sure how to get out. During these times I've also re-experienced past shames that I hadn't thought of in years. Very strange and self-reproaching to find myself up close and personal with what should be long forgotten embarrassments and faux pas'. It has been a highly deja-vu'ish experience in humiliation. Memories I'd prefer to not have surface. Memories that hurt you like small stabs at the heart of your being.

The worst is over now, but at the height of my 'illness' I was feeling more than just physically bad. It was as though I lost all of my defenses, the shields were down and the energy field had been disrupted (to nerdily borrow a metaphor from Star Trek). Despite my life philosophy of reaping what you sow, I was unable to sow anything other than doubt, fear and shame - which if you're an LOA'er you know that thinking on such just brings you more of the same. Regardless, my thought patterns refused to be changed. Also, during that time, Jeremy was away and I needed him with an intensity I have not experienced in quite some time.

I'm trying to work this out. And I may need help to do so. Something beside just normal life has been at play. Even though I want to be a brave person, my deepest fear is that I'm not. That I keep taking the easy way out when I never used to do that. That I'm not trusting in myself to be enough, that I can do it, that I can take care of myself. There is much anxiety in side me about being completely honest and asking for what I need to experience. I'm tied into too many other peoples expectations and holding myself to what I think their standard of judgement will be.

That may just have been a break-through!

Rome-ing Around

I just booked what I hope will be a mind-blowingly fabulous trip to Rome this summer! I've never been to Europe, so Italy seems as good a place as any to begin. Have you ever been? Any suggestions on what to and what not-to do?

In the meantime, check out our rad accommodations: www.kolbehotelrome.com It was once a monastery that has since been converted into a boutique hotel that sits right behind the Roman Forum!

Life is good.

HOME

When I think of home, this is the image that inundates my brain. I'm a little homesick tonight.

I've been sick for several weeks now. It has eaten me up and spit me back out without so much as a wham-bam-thank-you-mam!

These weeks have been miserable. I've experienced some pretty rough and raw emotions, and none of them the good ones! I've felt my energy levels drop below zero. This barrel had nothing left to scrape. Everyday just breathing was laborious and exhaust inducing.

My voice was taken from me and replaced with the raspy, phlegmy gurglings of one who has smoked unfiltereds for 50 years.

I've coughed til my back muscled spasmed in protest. Yet I had to keep coughing to get some of the bad stuff out of me.

I've begged to be restored. Only to get sicker. I've cried from the oppression of the fear and loneliness that takes hold in dark nights of waking while everyone else sleeps around you. You watch your frustrations grow, murky in dreams that give no rest - and you know you still have to go to work the next morning.

Today is better. It seems to be breaking up.

I have a lot of thoughts to chew on. There must be something here from which I'm meant to grow.

Honouring the Inner YOU

On a personal level, I've always been somewhat disconsolate. I go through phases where reaching out and being social comes more easily and I doubt most would perceive me as anti-social (as I am as good a pretender as the next). It is however in this 'pretending' that I hide a good portion of the 'me' people think they know. In my mind I'm always outside the circle of mainstream. This is not a burden to me, inside would be much more difficult I assure you!

*

Does that make me manipulative and fake and inauthentic? Yes, sometimes. No, sometimes. But more in a self-preservation type of way. It is more likely that I will study my surroundings, take the temperature of the encompassing personalities and start formulating who is trustable and who is most likely to share my own interests and ideals. It is with these feelers that I actively assess the dangerous people and intuitively slide away from them without so much as a ripple above the water.

*

For as long as I can remember, I have had this gift. I say gift, because as an observer of daily social interactions amongst 8 year olds, it is not something I see in plenitude. Although it is there, and sometimes I want to tell those kids to hone that talent as it will serve them well throughout their life. Trying to explain the concept of observing and evaluating without disturbing the currents of life in the fray, seems beyond challenging for the mere reason that it takes a high degree of self-esteem/worth to be able to step back from the madding crowd.

*

One thing I have noticed is that like does attract like.

If it makes you happy...

I've been back to having a shoulder problem. Major relapse this week coupled with a C3 (neck vertebra) badly out of place - requiring 3 daily adjustments in a row. Add to this, on Friday I managed to stress myself out quite thoroughly when marking some tests for my students. I was beyond frustrated about their inability (generalization) to write a decent response in sentence form to a question in which they missed the meaning of entirely. Grr.

After having spent several hours analyzing the situation and talking myself back down off the ledge... forcing them to do a test in the last 20 minutes of class on the threshold of a long weekend, just may have been a mitigating factor!!! (Yah think?) So I'm going to stop hinging my fear-of-failure and success-at-their-cost on a few poorly constructed prose. Life moves on and I'm sure the kids (who are for the most part fantastic little writers) didn't let it get them down once it was over and handed in!

This morning I gave my 'dear ol' auntie Clara' a call on the phone. We really haven't conversed in detail since the onset of my shoulder affliction. I think Clara is an amazing woman. She is well read and knows a lot about energy and healing and the link between mind and body - her house is accented in a variety of rocks and crystals, she has no problem walking to the beat of her own drum. I love her for that. It is with her that I first became interested in exploring a sub-surface world.

A lot of my frustration has been with recurrence and relapsing back to a pre-therapy condition. I have spent quite literally over a thousand dollars in treatment, only to make little or no gains. So she asked me a few pointed questions. My problem is on the left side (and at times affects my entire left side) which is the feminine side of the body. Pain in the body indicates something deep and personal that I need to deal with. Pain is also associated with fear, anger and resentment. Something I am holding on to but don't need to. Perhaps breaking down under the weight of what I no longer need to bear. She said I need to talk to my shoulder and ask it in conversation to reveal to me what is subconsciously impairing and misshaping my form (the pain causes me to hold myself at awkward angles). She also told me that all the tools I need for healing I already possess - outside intervention is only acting as a diversion. With every failed treatment my discouragement grows.

I really think that she is right. Immediately something came to mind (which I am not at liberty to discuss publicly) and we were able to talk about the intense feelings I've had on the situation. This 'thing' has been on-going since December and although it has formally finished, there are still a couple of loose ends. Ends outside of my control. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it was horrible but suffice it to say, it was not something I wanted to do and have had negative feelings about from the gate. From beginning to end I considered it an energy and creativity blocker.

Remarkably, even as we were talking I could feel the pain subsiding in my shoulder.

Intuitively I have known that this problem was not injury based. Regardless, one of my experts tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that it was, so that I could fit his understanding of how the body works.

Whether or not I have hit the nail directly, I know for certain that sitting her, fingers flying across this keyboard, my pain is substantially less than it was this morning when I woke up. I've taken no pain medication today.

Honestly, I can't help but be in perpetual wonder of the unseen. It is as though we live among icebergs. We see these little 'things' that pop up above the surface from time to time, not giving due respect to the mass below the superficial.

Some days I am in serious need of a chill pill.

Journey

There is no shortage in life of learning opportunities. There is however, often an unwillingness on our part to embrace and learn from what is put right in front of us. In fact, some of us manage to stumble over the same lesson for years, kicking it around, growling at it and even telling it to piss off from time to time - yet it never goes completely away.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Teilhard de Chardin

*

A few years ago I lit onto this idea that our spirit is here to embrace a spiritual life through the lens of humanity. To have a human experience. To remember that we are spiritual beings first and foremost. Spiritually (not religiously) our human form has lessons to learn, these lessons are plentiful and free! This has marked a significant paradigm shift in my thinking.

*

If you can make this leap it will change your life. It will give you courage and freedom. For as far back as my memories can take me, I was always a child full of courage, thinking and embracing and in search of ways to be free. I purposefully sought out the things that made me strong and fueled my senses about the world in general.

*

I grew up Christian and for that I am most thankful. Primarily because my parents have an unwavering faith in things 'unseen'. To embrace a spiritual life, one must first believe in a world beyond what we can see and touch. I was brought up to believe in prayer and that praying to God can change our world, as he is lovingly interested in bettering our lives.

*

So in many regards, the principles by which I was raised are in essence the same as what I believe today. I've dropped a few things, like heaven and hell and being redeemed and now ascribe to a more gnostic theism, choosing to acknowledge that we are all god-like, we came from a source and will return to a source, that source remains with us throughout our human journey.

*

It is throughout this journey that we have opportunity to connect to this source. To find strength and courage to solve our problems and live better lives. Lives of peaceful determination, always testing our mettle, expanding our experiences and finding joyful contentment. Life should be about these things and yet so often it becomes about our fear of failing. When we fear failure we lose our determination, we shrink back before we can see what we're made of, we live with scarcity and loss, holding so tight that what is within our grasp trickles away.

*

A spiritual life is open for business, so to speak. It welcomes and encourages. It has a prosperity mindset that interprets the world as already having everything that we need. It espouses a world we cannot see that enables us to direct and attract the kind of life we wish to live.

Living a spiritual life is paradoxical - it is power in that you are the creator and as creator you make it what you want it to be. For some the concept of creating our life may seem foreign or even blasphemous, yet we (according to the bible) were created in his (creator) image, why should we not share in what we consider to be God's defining quality? All around us, it is the creative force of what is possible that stand as our inspirations for life.

*

A spiritual life is also about letting go, which on the surface may seem in direct opposition to power. Letting go means that you stop competing with your neighbors and yourself and start living on a plane of creative thought. Letting go may involve a few rounds with your ego and reputation. When you first begin changing the way you think, you will quickly find that 'leggo the eggo' is not for the meek of heart!

*

So think about your life for a bit? Are you happy? What have you been kicking around for years that you need to learn from or confront your fear of? Have you crafted a life you embrace and enjoy? Is it balanced or do you live only for the weekend? Do you experience courage and freedom and have avenues to direct these qualities?

*

I know for many of my readers these are not new ideas. In reality they are very old ideas, not modern at all! For further reading I suggest Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention.

There comes a point at which you can just no longer stand the sound of your own bullshit. Wanted: Desperately seeking new shit.

Happiness is a choice. Just not one most of us make. Quite sad, really.

Shared

Although I enjoy the good times in life, I know that these are not the times that make us grow. They are not the fertilizer in our soil or the rain that waters our roots.

Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.

As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.

Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.

I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.

In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.

Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.

When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.

I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.

xo

On the mend?

I'm almost afraid to vocalize it but I think I might be on an upswing! Oh, sweet serenity! wouldn't that be a novel and welcome change in direction!

This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.

Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.

I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.