Summer is ticking along quickly. I have only a few days left in the Maritimes before returning home to Alberta. A few days ago my last surviving great aunt died (at the ripe ole' age of 94) and I will be attending her wake today. The prospect is not at all depressing, in fact I am looking forward to seeing many cousins and family friends from the area.

I am excited to see one person in particular and crossing my fingers he is there. Last time was 18 years ago, half a lifetime for me. He was the first boy I ever fell in love with. If one even knows what love is when you are 15! Regardless, we met because I was trying to do a blind fix-up for a girlfriend who was smitten with the boy in question. I was brazen in those days and without a shy bone in my body, I offered my services to call him and make the connection. At first I felt a bit awkward, calling up someone I'd only ever gotten a glance at and certain that he had no idea who I was. To my surprise, he did know of me and had made enquiries. That I should just out of the blue call him, seemed too good to be true.

For weeks we conversed on the phone. Late at night before the invention of the portable I would snake metres of cord, carrying the rotary dial into the living room and closing the door. More than once we talked all night in quiet hushed tones. We were becoming fast friends, I was far too innocent to be anything other. One day, as I heard my dad stirring to get ready for work in the early morning hours, I quickly said my goodbye and feigned sleepfulness on the sofa, smiling that we had talked for the entire night. All the time my heart beating rapidly, terrified I might hyperventilate.

Later we finally met at a graduation dance. It was by invitation only and I accepted another's offer just to make it in the door! I caught his eye many times that night but he was forever surrounded by his friends and I by mine. No one, not even my bff at the time knew of our secret burgeoning romance. As bold as I may have been to call him, I was equally as shy to approach him.

Finally the last two waltzes of the night arrived. I felt desperate and brokenhearted that we had not so much as even talked. We began with different partners. And somehow as the first came to an end we found ourselves side by side with another on each of our arms. As the music changed so did we. We just went to each other and embraced. For the life of me I cannot recall who either he or I was with. But I do remember how he smelled, his dark wavy hair, those hazel brown eyes, a faded yellow shirt and equally faded Levi's. It was heaven to me. At at the end of the waltz we kissed. Not my first but until the day I die it will go down as one of my best.

Our romance ensued for a few years on and off. When I last saw him, he told that had been one of the most memorable nights of his life. Me too.

I'll let you know if I see him at the wake. ;-)

For a long time, all my writing seemed to hone in on the idea of letting go. Adding nothing back in. Emptying my being and lifestyle not only of extras and add-ons but past accumulations that resided in my mind like heavy metals. During this time, both yoga and blogging served as a carrier to where I needed to be transported.

In the last year, I have found a lovely place to dwell. I have given up the struggle and replaced it with acceptance. There is much peace and beauty here and I am amazed at just how far from perfection it is. In fact, I believe perfection just might be the most unhappy of places to reside.

It is so easy to get caught up in competition. Bigger house, nicer car, smaller ass, better toys. This mindset keeps us living in a world that is predominately material. We lose sight of why we live and we become enslaved by what we own. Oddly enough, we come into this world naked and we exit in the same manner. We bring nothing with us and we leave it as we come in. This game of bigger, better, faster makes no sense what-so-ever.

I do not want to leave you with the impression that I am a stripped down, back to basics, non-materialistic person. This would not be true. I love things. Beautiful things. I like to travel and stay in upscale hotels. I appreciate quality and workmanship and the aesthetic quality that exists in the marketplace.

However, I do find that my motivations have changed. More is not better. Rather, it is how we get there that makes the difference. That we can feel the joy of giving and receiving, the flow and the compromise of getting out of life the truest desires of our heart. That in this short time we have, we learn to play the game so that our insides and our outsides become compatible with our philosophical ideals. In a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I am coming into this place.

Here, things (whatever you consider a noun - people, places, things and ideas) don't need to be held on to too tightly. They exist for pleasure, pain and our individual personal growth. Everything you are in need of is at your fingertips and already exists. Like a tree heavy with fruit that can be plucked to satiate your hunger. There is no need to hoard or glutton and one soon finds out that in different seasons, different fruits. Here, the creative mind can expand and transform the challenges of life into opportunities.

Namaste.

It feels good to be home. Although, with all the busy preparations for my sister's wedding happening, relaxing has not been on the to do list.

~

The temperature rose to a toasty 34C today and the outlook for tomorrow is about the same. So, our plan for the upcoming day is to float down the river and do little of anything else!

~

I've been enjoying my long walks to the end of the bridge and back in the evenings, once the sun has gone down - accompanying me, the many thoughts and imaginings that run through my brain. Despite the heat, I still find this an inspiring place to be. This year I feel more at home in my own skin than ever before, so there is an easiness to me which marks my biggest change.

~

It is nice to be here with Jeremy. My parents own these old camps that they used to rent out as a business, so before he arrived I spent a couple of days decobwebbing and refreshing the paint. It was a pleasant surprise for him, as it means we have our own space and we don't have to be under my parents' roof. They are almost generous to a fault, so it is as much for them that I did it as for us.

~

For now, I'm heading off to watch some tv and unwind in an a/c room. Happy summering.

Oooops

Pictures taken at your sisters stagette party is an excellent reason NOT to be on facebook!

The Man Watching

The Man Watching
by Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat,

afterso many dull days,

on my worried windowpanes

that a storm is coming,

and I hear the far-off fields say things

I can't bear without a friend,

I can't love without a sister

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on

across the woods and across time,

and the world looks as if it had no age:

the landscape like a line in the psalm book,

is seriousness and weight and eternity.
What we choose to fight is so tiny!

What fights us is so great!

If only we would let ourselves be dominated

as things do by some immense storm,

we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,

and the triumph itself makes us small.

What is extraordinary and eternal

does not want to be bent by us.

I mean the Angel who appeared

to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:

when the wrestler's sinews

grew long like metal strings,

he felt them under his fingers

like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel

(who often simply declined the fight)

went away proud and strengthened

and great from that harsh hand,

that kneaded him as if to change his shape.

Winning does not tempt that man.

This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,

by constantly greater beings.

Thoughts

It's late and I should be in bed.

But my mind is active and I just can't seem to make myself quiet. The weeks have been so busy that my brain and body do not yet seem to realize that vacation has begun! There is still a lot of adrenaline coursing through me. And I'm excited to get home and see everyone.

On the flip side of expectations for home, I'm also experiencing the dissolution of a friendship. I feel myself pulling and pushing in a soft sort of way. In ways wanting it to end and in other ways wanting to talk about how and why we find ourselves at this place and time. I feel sad and lonely and hurt. It is all so subtle, so slight of hand. I'm confused at how someone I considered such a confidant, companion and even sister, can be so far away from me. I question what was the straw that broke the camel's back? It feels like it all slipped away in the dark when we weren't looking.

(Thinking about it, I'm pretty certain I initiated the parting of the proverbial waters.)

I met this person in my early 20's. We hit it off immediately and for the next couple of years were practically inseparable. Conversation was always easy and we both liked being spontaneous together. They were years filled with fun. But at the same time, if I am honest, they were years that did not always bring out the best in me. She can be an extremely negative and self-centered person. Sometimes fun came at a cost. My cost.
Looking back at journals I kept from that time, I knew even then that our friendship was not of the quality I was seeking.

But here I sit at one o'clock in the morning. Feeling confused. We live in a small town on the same street. Our spouses work together, we teach at the same school and our circle of friends more or less comprises the same people. Part of me wants to run to her and try to work out our veiled indifference. If everything could just remain more or less the same, I wouldn't even bother to try. But it is the sting of rejection and an orchestrating of events (from which our names keep getting left off of the guest lists) that hurts the most.

And I don't quite know how to deal. I keep trying the self talk. In fact I keep giving myself the same speech I give my students when they find themselves with no one to play with. And just like them, I'm not convinced. Mostly I scream inside my head how juvenile it all is and how I want none of it. And for the record, I'm not outwardly misbehaving in anyway. But it sure does make me feel my humanness, my fragility.

Perhaps I want to be the rejector not the rejected. It is safer that way.

When I think about the affirmation ~ let go of all that does not serve you ~ I know that this too needs to be let go of. Both the friendship and the fall out. To let it go quietly and freely without adding to the drama.

The most challenging part is to live consciously and recognize where I need to take responsibility. To let this be a part of my growth, for my own good. To act within my own code of acceptable and pleasing conduct. To be able to let something go, because it is better for me that way.

Namaste.

This is how we grow, by being defeated decisively by constantly greater things. Rilke.

DONE

Today is one of those days where the wheels fell off. All four of them.

After two straight weeks of going straight out, I'm done. Like dinner. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. Students were finished today. And oh my, how they were hyper and overtired!

So I'm going to go to bed and call it a day.

After all, who can complain when you've got a work-free summer ahead!

Blessed

“Home is where you can scratch where it itches” ~ Anonymous

I'm just a few days away from traveling home for the summer. I'm excited. In the last year my sister had a baby girl, who I'll get to meet for the first time. On top of this she is getting married in July. If anyone knows how to throw a party, it's Andrea! So I'm expecting that it will be a festive occasion that works its way into the next day. A few of our mutual friends from BC will be attending, so there will be an element of reunion mixed in.

Lately it seems that I have been too busy with work to even give much attention to going home. Which is probably good, otherwise I'd be so over the top that I wouldn't accomplish my to-do list. But work has been positive busy not the other kind. In fact, I feel as though I have tuned in to a nice little cadence of satisfaction.

I received my assignment for next year. Grade 3 again but this time with 3 special needs Fetal Alcohol Syndrome boys. It will mean I have some learning ahead of me as I currently know little about FAS, but I do know the students already and believe that it will be a good year. Funny, not that long ago I would have been horrified at the thought of having any special needs students! And now, here I am actually looking forward to the experience. I guess one should never say never. Success in certain areas actually makes you feel as though you have the power to change the world.

On a different note, today is the longest day of the year. Bittersweet. Living so far north, it will not get fully dark tonight. The sun casts its light in long bending rays that seem to wrap the earth, moving without interruption from west to east. I wonder sometimes if I came here for no other reason than to watch the sun in summer and the moon in winter. It certainly brings me to a primal place inside of myself.

And I've decided that this primal earthiness suits me. Most of the time anyway! I have more right now than I've ever had and yet my wants are less. My blogging has slowed because I'm just not compelled to give it all words all the time. I know what fills me and I know what doesn't. Once you get the formula, the rest is just a shopping list! I'm content and that is enough. The things I want that are important are in progress. They're already in the works and at this point don't need names.

So for right now, I'm just going to be. And I like it.

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” Frederick Buechner

Peaks and Troughs

Emerson once said "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." I can not think of a more transcendent life philosophy. To consider every encounter or foray into living, not as success or failure, but strictly as experience. If we could do so consistently, we would no doubt transform our lives and be more present in daily life.

The Apostle Paul tells us (Phil 4:11) that he learned contentment regardless of the situation he found himself in. Sometimes there was plenty and other times there was want. He did not let himself get anxious about either, and knew that each could be enjoyed for their season and that both were temporary states - sometimes of the mind, sometimes of the physical. Both a reflection of the cyclical nature of ourselves and the planet we live on.

In life, we are always moving along the abundance/need continuum. Beginnings and endings. This is true not only of our financial lives but also of our spiritual, emotional and physical selves. With experience some learn a certain art to riding the wave. Fully embracing it, surfing life in full freedom of spirit. To others, the wave is always out to get them. Sucking them down in undertow, bringing them back up only to gasp for air and spit up water.

More or less we are all in the same current, we just have varying skill and intuition about how to navigate. Those who can conjure up fearlessness will love the open sea and be made alive by its offering of experiences. When storms brew they waste no time battening down the hatches and using all of their knowledge to safely ride it out. When the calm returns, they set their course and steer by the wind. They look up during the day and follow the sun from horizon to horizon, giving thanks with open hands and hearts. At night, they count the stars, seeing them with wonder as they fill up the sky. They trust the sea to always be their rising - whether stormy or calm. Both invite them to hone their skill.

For some, fearfulness is all they know. They never quite find their sea legs. Storms are met with head between knees, wallowing in the belly of the boat. Praying someone will come along and take the helm, perhaps Jesus will take the wheel. Although the storm eventually passes, it seems longer than it actually was, gripped by doubt and anxiety. The sun above has once again begun to shine but no one below deck realizes this yet. They are still anticipating the wave that will eventually bury them at the bottom. Their breath is constricted and shallow from hyperventilating. There is no course, no one learned how to use the sextant and batteries in the GPS have long been dead.

With some life experience, I have been learning to trust the sea to be my rising. I like the sea as a metaphor for living. To batten down the hatches when necessary. To breath in and out during the storm and to come back up to the deck just as it is passing, because I don't want to miss a minute of seeing the sun break through the clouds. And I want to appreciate the beauty of being a witness to the calming of the waters. Storms can be catalyst to great and unnecessary drama. It takes having your wits about you to ensure you don't stay down longer than you should and that you don't pick fights with your deckhands. We are after all, in this together.

Right now, I'm weathering a small storm. Mostly it is inconsequential. A small amount of head between knees, but not too much. Sometimes our storms are started by people we expect to love us and want us. When they don't, our boat gets rocked. We get filled with indignation and forget that we have at one time or another been the 'didn't love didn't want boat rocker'. All in all it serves to remind me that my boat might just be a little to close to another's and that I'm getting moved by their wake.

I want to love everything about my life - even during the painful parts, the times when it is difficult to see the beauty or trust the rising. I want to experiment with it all.

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Lighterside of Yogi

You can find these and many more funnies at www.greatcosmichappyass.com . Hope they tickle you like they did me. :-) Namaste.

Sigh of the contented...

I can feel myself being called. The voice is getting clearer, as though I am getting closer. But for now, I keep paying the bills and showing up everyday. This will not always be the case.

Namaste.

Chain Re-act-ion and Knee-jerk Reflexes

There is a softness to life that is easier felt when times are rough than when they are grand. Much to be said for getting cut off at the knees from time to time and crawling back into the shell of uncertainty and humility. Retreat so as to sort through it all and take a breather from the race (where people only ever get up go to work and then rush home to watch crime and drama unfold on cnn).

Inside the shell the mind gets quiet. The radio gets turned off for a while. Sometimes the lights even go out. Echos of what someone said that was unkind and unwarranted bounce in crazy directions from the curvature of the walls. You try your best to get out of the way so that it would stop smacking you over and over, after all hasn't enough damage been done? And you wonder what to do. What to say. How to respond.

Anger is a natural. The easy way.

But you've been on another path. Huddled in your turtle pose you wonder who hurt them that they should hurt you? Your anger begins to dissolve. It's energy has been wounded. The corners of your heart loosen. An image of their pain replaces your own.

You feel only. So much so that you can't quite figure it all out. You weep for your own relief, that you need not fight that which has fought against you. This knowing lights your eyes with strength and you have gained a new knowing. A thresh hold has been broken through.

Joy finds you through unusual and unexpected circumstances.


“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves.” Abraham Heschel

The Intention Experiment

"You just have to do your own thing, no matter what anyone says. It's your life!" Ethan Embry

I've been reading an interesting book called The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart. It is a synopsis of research done over the last 30 years in the field of quantum physics. One of the areas that has really intrigued me is the relationship between time and our thoughts.

Very important to the study of quantum physics is the Zero Point Field. To crudely paraphrase, the Zero Point Field exists at absolute zero, the temperature at which scientist once considered all movement to cease. Come to find out this is not the case! In fact subatomic particles continue to move and take on a synchronicity, in which they begin to act as a single organism. Technology has been able to make use of lasers that are able to squeeze this ZPF, so much so that it creates negative energy, also known as exotic matter. It is apparently well accepted by QPs that such matter can bend space-time!

Based on the research in this book, our thoughts could very well be our most valuable resource. And the way we use our thoughts could determine the quality and course of our lives. The idea that intention can mess with the ZPF and the ZPF can transcend space-time has actually been proven in experiments of retro causation - so what you are thinking not only influences your present and your future but is not bound by space and time and can therefore effect your past which is now playing out in your present. It is a little much to take in! All research and experiments have been carried out by ivy league universities and prestigious research facilities around the world.

Something else in the book I found quite profound was this statement: "The possibility is that all information in the universe is available to use at every moment, and time exists as one giant smeared-out present...There is also the possibility that at the most fundamental layer of our existence there is no such thing as sequential time. Pure energy as it exists at the quantum level does not have time or space, but exists as a vast continuum of fluctuating charge. We, in a sense are time and space. When we bring energy to conscious awareness through the act of perception, we create separate objects that exist in space through a measured continuum. By creating time and space, we create our own separateness and indeed our own time." (171)

I have long known the value and importance of my thoughts. I have experienced them in powerful and life changing ways. This book took me into a new reality of the power of the mind.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in healing or the new buzz of manifestation. A worthwhile and highly informative read.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

you know the kind of day... the one for which you should be given a medal of honor for just getting through it without harming someone else!


that was so me today.

i have decided to celebrate my accomplishment with wine.

Today I am just going to start writing and see where it leads. I have many ungrounded thoughts that are doing leap frog dances through my brain. On some level they do make sense and I can see their connectedness, however trying to convey them could be grounds for institutionalization.

It would seem that just in the last few weeks I have entered into a deeper level of personal development, I call it this for lack of a better descriptor. A lot of things seem to be in confluence, coming together, flowing with ease. Remarkably these "things" are not necessarily "easy" things and in a way should contradict any sort of flow. I must attribute it to getting better at setting aside my own ego and letting things find their own natural rhythm.

Many of the things I really want to write about I am not giving myself permission to explore in this forum. I'm not ready to be that open about certain ideas I am having nor am I prepared for the onslaught of misinterpretation that might come from some readers.

To skirt the issue and yet still talk about it, let me tell you this. Yesterday two lovely people, Jehovah's Witnesses, showed up at my door. I'm one of those strange people who actually enjoys talking with JWs. They are incredibly passioned in their beliefs. They also tend to be very scripted and show up as the perfect neighbor next door who just wants to slip in a single bible verse and ask you how you feel about it or what you think it means. I don't look like the sort of person who has an extensive knowledge of the bible, so I'm pretty sure I often catch them off guard and can counter just about any argument and do it better than they can. Especially when I move beyond the verse they initially present - you soon find out they were unprepared for a pop quiz.

For many years I tried to argue them. Loved doing it in fact! They were wrong and I was right. Obviously my interpretation of the bible was better than theirs. Didn't they know that I was the one going to heaven and they were the ones doomed to hell.

Yesterday, however our conversation while lengthy was non confrontational in anyway. They seemed genuinely interested in my future conversion to Buddhism and the fact that I had chosen this path after being brought up born-again seemed to dumbfound and confound. What I realized is that JW's see themselves as very peace loving and a class above traditional christian sects. They do not go to war and they do not celebrate many of the pagan rituals that are pervasive in the christian church. For this I applaud them and all things being equal, if I were interested in following a christian faith/doctrine I may well consider the JW model. At this point I don't ever see that happening.

One note to add to this process of peace that they see themselves involved in is that their means can be very inciteful. Going door to door and offering your version of a better Jesus can be grounds for great conflict. Those who care will care A LOT! And will feel compelled to battle you to the death for daring to insult the religious beliefs that they are very feverish about. Christians seems to scramble to have a monopoly on whose Jesus is the right Jesus and spend their hard earned cash promoting their version of truth throughout the world. After all, we couldn't have those JW's being the only ones out there converting the pagan masses and doing it WRONG at that! It all seems incredibly humorous when I stand back and take it all in.

Now when I started I didn't exactly plan on going off on the JW's or any kind of Jesus mousetrap. What I did intend to explore was that part of me that can decline the fight. The part that no longer has to win and therefore does not need to expend all of that energy trapped in tangles that serve no purpose.

To put an analogy to it, it is like I have been walking in a corridor with lots of doors with signs on them. Somehow I got to the end of the hall with out opening any of the doors. To my blessed surprise a beautiful garden full of light and love awaited me at the end. And now I get to explore this warmth and light until I start to crave some other important lessons.

I know me and I know that the garden will not always satisfy. But for right now I will drink it all in.

Namaste.

Who really knows if we find words or if words find us. Sometimes I almost feel as though I am made for a moment and in that moment, if I surrender to it, a beauty takes shape. I experience this all the time when I am teaching - as though the words and the lessons just come, flowing out without effort.

When life is like this, we are channelers of sorts. Moved through. Moved with. Moved by. Maybe this explains why I have always loved my river so much. My whole life, it has carried me places, no effort.

Tonight after yoga I felt restored having practiced many poses of surrender. These are my favorite. Where you lay it down on the mat. You be a witness to your conscious mind and possess the unconscious, the failing, the yeilding, the exposing. You let those things that hold you down go with gravity and return to the earth. In the end it makes you lighter. Your eyes clearer. Your heart wiser.

Before I sat to write tonight the verse "you anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over, goodness and mercies follow me and I forever dwell in the house of a most high god" was very strong in me. As though I could not escape it. Earlier today, I was bogged down, having spent the last several days feeling rushed and pulled and trying to catch up.

I'm not sure why we choose the illusions of life. When instead we should acknowledge that our dwelling is a house with a most high god. This god anoints us with oil, a sacred and very personal spiritual practice. In fact, my life cannot contain the goodness, it overflows on every side.

My practice dispels the fear that the world wants me to take on. We can live where we want to live. There are no strong men holding us to one place. We should flow and move. We should graciously give and recive alabastar jars full of precious oils.

*** After just visiting George, I've decided to post a prayer from his new zenbaptist blog that fits nicely here:

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.

I want to free what waits within me

so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear

without my contriving.

*

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,

but this is what I need to say.

May what I do flow from me like a river,

no forcing and no holding back,

the way it is with children.

*

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,

these deepening tides moving out, returning,

I will sing you as no one ever has,

streaming through widening channels

into the open sea.

*

Rilke

What I'm reading right now.

The Good Dog is a novel by avi. I've been reading it with my grade 3 language arts class. They are eating it up.

It is the story of McKinley, a malamute husky and self appointed head dog of his community. He is more or less a dog that lives without barriers, no fence, no leash and a loving family to return home to each night. In McKinley's eyes he is the keeper of the family and not the other way around. He takes his job as caretaker to his human pup Jack, very seriously!

McKinley finds himself coming face to face with a she wolf named Lupin on the outskirts of town. Lupin scoffs at McKinley for being bound and not living the life of freedom that she enjoys in the wild. Lupin does her best to try and shame McKinley into leaving his current life behind and accepting his ancestral call.

What I like best about this book is that it forces kids to think about good and bad. McKinley, in efforts to protect his family and the other neighborhood dogs, makes choices that are not easily understood and often get him into lots of trouble. If they only knew the reasons why, perhaps his actions would seem heroic as opposed to disobedient. I think this is a good lesson for each of us. It is easy to judge things that happen as right or wrong so long as we don't scratch the surface to find the deeper motivations for some one's actions.

My kids and I give this book 5 / 5 dog bones! A great family read.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up the book marrying buddha the last time I was in Edmonton. It was in one of those last chance 75% off bins. I almost always look there as I have found some cheap and fantastic reads - plus your expectations are lowered and that makes finding a good read even better!

The book is set in Shanghai and Putuo Island (China) with flashback's to a prior life in NYC. Self reflective in mood and pace the pages weave a story about who we are and how we interpret the world through all the shades of human behavior and endeavor. It is at times graphic and erotic, making no apologies or excuses - only insight into the very fabric of what it means to see ourselves for the beauty our complexities force upon us. It reads like a zen trance. I am falling in love with Coco. I hold on to each chapter. I don't want it to end. It has been quite some time since I have been so affected by a character.

I'll let you know what I think by the end.

Ah, there is nothing better than the promise of a good book.

The grass in the fields ahead.

As you may have noticed, my blogging frequency has increased significantly in the last week! I'm not sure what has gotten into me, but love of the word has once again overtaken. I do not mind being in her possession, it feels good. The rattling of this old keyboard is comforting and I can play her as some might tickle the ivory and ebony.

Early in January I posted that I was going to change the content of my blog from spirituality to money management. Oppps. That hasn't quite materialized like I envisioned. True enough I am done with self-help but I am not quite ready to relinquish the thoughts that fill my head on the self. It is far too interesting to me and there is still so much to learn. I hope that by the time I am 70 I will have more wisdom that I do now and yet still have infinite capacity to learn and to make observations on human nature. At every stage we just see things with new eyes. The deepest beauty of life is that it is an ever changing dynamic, if you're static you're not living. Dynamics allow for chaos and confusion and a never quite knowing how it will all turn out. This in itself makes me excited about life.

I think I have passed a tipping point. 15 years ago I never would have imagined that I would become this person - really it is quite surprising. I am curious to know who I will be at 50, in another 15 years. I hope that I will be just as imperfect and prone to making mistakes and taking risks, just new ones - and that I will have learned from all my current mistakes, 'er I mean learning opportunities! The tipping point is that I'm ready for more now. More in all capacities.

Part of that capacity is financial. I grew up relatively poor. Not destitute and always fed, but I knew the pinch of lack. When I connect the dots I can see how influential poverty has been on my life's beliefs and choices. I set low standards for what would be enough, what I could attain. I did not want to take or be given more than was my share. As a result, I have always had a bit of a gypsy attitude. My husband describes it as a tree planter's mentality. I go so far, work so hard and then pull back. There was always an imaginary boundary, an invisible high charged electric fence that kept me from the other side. I have carried on as though money were unnecessary and that all that I would ever need would be provided to me.

This is not the worst paradigm a person can view the world from but it does have a down side. The biggest down side is that it keeps you from being all that you can be in other aspects of your life. When the going gets tough you hide out and seek refuge until the storm is over. Then you proceed to rebuild your house, all the time anticipating another storm at any moment. Another rebuilding. Another storm. Rebuild. Storm. And the cyclone continues.

I still believe that when necessary, all that I need will be provided. I believe in providence and serendipitous circumstances. But I also need to go beyond my fear of just having enough and come into the presence of plenty. I can do it, I have all of the tools necessary. But one's toolkit can be full of the highest quality crafting material and the crafter can still create sub quality workmanship. I have had the toolkit for a long time and have in many ways mismanaged its use.

Proverbs 24 v. 30-34 says:

I went past the field of the sluggard,

past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgement;

thorns had come up everywhere,

the ground was covered with weeds,

and the stone wall was in ruins.

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I applied my heart to what I observed

and learned a lesson from what I saw:

A little sleep, a little slumber,

a little folding of the hands to rest -

and poverty will come on you like a bandit

and scarcity like an armed man.

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As women in particular, it is high time that we step up to the plate. It can be intimidating and easy to let our fear point us down the path of least resistance. The path that often waits for the eye of the storm and keeps us caught in the yo yo of build tear down, build tear down. It is a temporary mindset that we allow permanent reign. We need to put our energy into building up and building up in places that can sustain what we build so our actions are not in vain. I know there are lessons to be learned from having what you've built taken away, but I feel right now my lesson is for the good that comes from building up not tearing down.

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My tipping point is that I now have the belief that I can build and it can be good and it can prosper. It is a new direction for my energy and my thinking.

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So my question to you is this... Are you moving toward a tipping point and in what area of your life? How have you folded your hands to rest? Is it in your family life? Your love life? Your financial life? Your professional life? What scares you? Where do you need to give more or less?

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Namaste.

If only we could be this good all the time!

I'm not sure I have ever written a week in review post but here it goes. :-)

As weeks go, this one was pretty normal except for my extreme fatigue. It was like I had fallen and couldn't get up. Literally. Every morning it took all of my strength to get out of bed. Jeremy had to nudge me (he is an early riser) many times! I didn't even shower everyday.

On top of this exhaustion I had a busier than normal teaching schedule with almost every single thing I did being teacher directed. As a rule I try and keep a balance between dependent and independent work for my students. But not this week. We did several intense science experiments that required lots of prior knowledge.

This year and next year are also evaluation cycles for me professionally. My principal is required to observe me at agreed upon times but he is also free at anytime to be present in my room. He showed up unannounced on Tuesday morning. The funny thing is that I generally do math first thing in the morning but due to some student paper work that need to get sorted and put into binders I ended up having an impromptu science lesson/review. Just as I was beginning this completely unplanned activity, guess who walks in and takes a seat!

For the most part having people in my room rarely breaks my stride. Overall, I am confident in what I do. But there is always the fear that what you do 90% of the time will get observed during that other 10% and get misconstrued. It is however, intimidating to have the principal waltz into your room. I kept praying that he would not wander over to my desk and see my empty day plan! The cardinal sin of teaching. Thankfully he did not.

My unexpected lesson was on rocks and minerals in the rock cycle. I was explaining to the kids how over breakfast my husband (a forester and expert pit digger) and I were discussing rocks on a beach and how they are a perfect example of an accelerated and visible rock cycle taking place. The lesson ensued for another 15 minutes and as soon as we got started in math, Mr. P up and left.

At first recess I stopped by the staff room for a few minutes and walked past Mr. P's office. He called out after me with "Great lesson this morning." I said thank you as I carried on down the hall. Later the same day after students had been dismissed I walked past his room again. This time he came out of his office! "Angela, that really was a fantastic lesson you gave this morning!" He was visibly excited. "I was really impressed with they way you had the attention of every student in the room. They were all engaged and actively participating in the discussion". At this point the VP sticks her head out of her office and adds, "Yeah, he's been talking your praises all day!"

I must say their words gave me quite a rush. But I had absolutely no idea how to respond. I even felt somewhat embarrassed and could feel the heat rising in my face as they spoke. I think I managed a "Thank you" and scurried away.

The week however ended on a low note. I've been trading off gym classes with another teacher so as to squeeze in a couple of more prep periods. Truth is, I'm not a fan of her class. They test me on every turn and are just difficult in general. If you have never dealt with 8 year olds and think that they are mouldable and eager to please jars to be filled with knowledge... think again. That kind of child seems to be the exception not the rule these days. Make no mistake, we are currently living in a child-driven society and I believe the anthropological effects of this will not be recognized until a few decades from now. Although I have a couple of narcissists in my own classroom we have developed a balanced relationship and strong emotional bonds. They have mostly accepted my role as teacher and no longer challenge me when I say no - thankfully. It is not easy to get those kids who have cart blanche at home to give it up at school and let someone else be the boss. Parents, if you are failing your children in any way, it is in letting them be the parent and you becoming their servant. It is in neither of your best interests.

So my week, a tired and emotionally charged one, scaled the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley. Last night I was numb. I declined invitations to dinner and listened to some Blue Rodeo, my favourite co-dependent music.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky. Forecast says that it will be as high as +5C. I'm already feeling restored. A little yoga this morning helped and I can breathe once again. And for today, a bit of eye and ear candy for the ladies. :) Namaste.

Where this came from...I just don't know.

It seems that in the last few years, a common thread in my writings has been about letting go. I don't think that I have ever been particularly attached to things but when I made a substantial relocation move in 2002, it truly surprised me just how much stuff I had accumulated. Lots of brick n' brack, or whatever else people like to call it.

Looking at all that useless clutter gave me heartache and I swore that I would never walk that road again. I thought about the wasted time, money and energy I had put into storing all those small items. Hundreds of dollars in knickknacks, shipped off to the goodwill to become someone else's yard sale material. I can't for the life of me remember even one item that got left behind.

Somehow those trinkets lead me to look in other areas. The not so obvious places. Areas that are not displayed on shelves. Or even just hidden in the spare room closet. They have roots that run deep and they don't get collected in green bags on garbage day.

They go around with you and slink and slither into every move you make. They sometimes tell you lies and burden you down with their weight. They tell you that you are responsible for other people's happiness. That you must try harder. Do better. Be more. More beautiful. More thinner. More everything to everyone.

They are the elixir of the miserable. But the kicker is that they somehow convince you that no one else can know that you are completely in their grasp. And so, you play by their rules and pretend to be what you are not because you believe that is the right thing to do.

So who are they?

They are the deepest, darkest, stankyiest, ugliest, perverse ideas and fears you hold about yourself. The "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough", "I'm not pretty enough"...enough enough enough.

No matter who you are, what you do, where you have been, you are ENOUGH. You are good enough and smart enough and pretty enough and worthy enough and then some.

It is OK to get pissed off at all of the people who have fucked you over and made you cry. It is OK to be this with yourself - if you have been one of the people! And haven't we all? At one time or another? So if you need to, get good and mad. Get mad and stay that way for a week. Call in sick every day from one Monday to the next. Make a list of whomever has wronged you. Write them letters you will never send, speak to them as though they are in the room with you. Don't let anyone off the hook, even the one's you love more than life itself.

Then make your peace, inside your own heart. Because 95% of all your bullshit lives inside your head. And it fills it up and creates barriers that keeps you down, not them. They have their own walls and demons. How do I know? Because pain breeds pain and we hurt others because we need to share it, dish it out and spread it around. As humans, we seem to have a certain drama factor. We want to perpetuate the pain, keep it close. It has been a dysfunctional friend for so long.

And the process begins. I have been journeying for years now. But I'm changed. And, I'm on the other side now. On the side where there is enough to the nth degree.

As I've been writing this I was thinking of a song by Jan Arden called Waiting in Canada. It seems so appropriate. Namaste.

every tear you cry

every doubt you have

all of these things will pass away

all of your big mistakes your little old heart would break

wishing that i could take them back

write down the things you don't want burn them in a glass

write down the things you dream of

make a paper plane that flies to heaven

*

and buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

that's where I'll be waiting

*

all of the empty rooms

all of the silent space

every warm embrace is you

nothing is like it was, there's nobody here but us

i have been filled right up with this

write down the words of sadness burn them in a cup

write down the things you've wanted

throw them to the wind that's soaring up to heaven

*

and buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

oh buy a ticket for a plane and come and see me baby

or drive your car all night by just starlight to Canada

that's where I'll be waiting waiting

The things I do for love.

burn incense

light candles

sing in the shower

talk to myself

do yoga

walk the dog

try new recipes

be alone

read trashy novels

think

dream

believe

cry

laugh

grind my own beans

buy organic coffee

drink red wine

eat carbs

send telepathic messages

dance in the living room

give thanks

expand my mind

let go

unwind

know the moment

remember the past

visit a grave site

feel the chill of winter

watch the moon cycles

walk barefoot in my kitchen

meditate

forgive my imperfections

breathe

cradle my dog

embrace

walk away from strife

sing old hymns

recite poetry

down dog

mountain pose

standing forward bend

call my parents

go to bed early

eat my vegetables

blog

be me.

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What do you do for love?

You're NOT the Boss of Me!

A kid in my class is driving me a little batty. He's a sweet kindhearted fellow who is extremely helpful. Way too helpful. He's so helpful in fact that it turns him into a bit of a control freak. He also has difficulty completing his own work because he busies himself with his neighbors work.

He can't seem to keep himself from being a bossy boots, even though he is one in an unconventional way. He does try but the problem almost seems bigger than he is - like an unseen force that controls his will!

So I've come to the conclusion that although I could discipline him everyday it would basically be to no avail. Natural consequences seems to be the best course of action. This is already taking place as he has increasing difficulty with his peers, who generally are not interested in his overtaking of their lives. Who could blame them. I'm frankly quite tired of his benevolent attempts to hijack my role as teacher, one I don't give up easily!

The question I have for myself in this situation is, what is the lesson I need to learn?
Hmmm.

"Never mistake my self control for tameness." Teresa Lindner

Confluence of Joy

I was just in the process of running a bath when this phrase came into my thoughts. A confluence of joy. Instantly, I loved the way the words flowed together and how aptly they convey what I have been feeling of late. A confluence of joy.

So just to be sure I was actually thinking what I thought I was - I decided to look it up.

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con·flu·ence /ˈkɒnfluəns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kon-floo-uhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a flowing together of two or more streams, rivers, or the like: the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi rivers.
2. their place of junction: St. Louis is at the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi rivers.
3. a body of water formed by the flowing together of two or more streams, rivers, or the like.
4. a coming together of people or things; concourse.
5. a crowd or throng; assemblage.

Dictionary.com Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
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Such beautiful phrasing - a confluence of joy!

I've been doing more reading and reflecting on making space, capaciousnous as my friend George refers to it. And the two seem to go beautifully in hand, make space so that life might flow. Make space so that joy might have room to breathe within us.

Time, don't run out on me

I was thinking...

perhaps time is the biggest illusion of all. We sure give it a lot of importance but have practically no understanding of what time actually is or even means. Although it is a yardstick of our lives - it is in essence a poor one, having nothing to do with quality - only quantity of minutes and days. Even though each second that passes is still only a second, a measured space, the speed at which we expend our lives is relative and yet it is not. I find even the painful parts pass far too quickly.

I recently lost my watch. A somewhat expensive and status(y) kind of watch. I hope whomever has found this lovely gem has wrists as tiny as mine. I sincerely want them to enjoy the time that it is theirs as they metre out the days of their lives.

I am currently learning to live with out constantly consulting my left forearm so that I might know what to do next and in what sequence. This could be liberating.

Last Night

painting by Carol Buchman - Meditation

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I wanted to share a meditation that I did last night before going to bed.

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Before I begin I always set the timer on the stove, last night I set it for 20 minutes. I find the timer is very freeing as it allows me to be much more present in the moment. It is one less thing my mind has to worry or fret or think about.

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I lit a single tea light and wrapped myself in a soft and cozy throw. I sat half lotus on the sofa. For the next several minutes I alternated two mantras. With a full cycle of breath, both the inhale and the exhale, I focused on 'ease in my body'. As I did this, I just allowed my mind and my breath to scan my body looking for areas of discomfort or tension, and then releasing those areas as they arose. On the next cycle of breath, I focused on 'ease in my mind'. Again, searching and releasing any thoughts.

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For me, meditation is much easier if I have an area of thought to attend to - hence the mantra. I readily found places of 'dis-ease' or dis-comfort in both my body and mind and was successful at dissolving their effect. I don't always have success but last night I did. Even though my head was in a normal forward facing position, soon I noticed that it felt heavy and light at the same time - as though all tension in my neck had been erased. I also generated a lot of body heat which I found surprising. I believe that the body can heal itself and that meditation can energize the process - the meditation felt very healing to me. I was not seeking to increase my energy but rather to quiet any excess, sluffing off the residue of the day.

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Meditation is a wonderful discipline but it does take time to cultivate. Where once I was unable to achieve success for even 1 minute (or less), I am now able to do so for about 12 minutes. It is very helpful to approach it as though you are an observer to your own mind. This is also the beginning of seeing yourself apart from your ego. Let your thoughts be like clouds that float by but do not change the sky. Let them become light and unaffecting. Cultivate forgiveness for all your imperfections and do not judge yourself for your negative thoughts.

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Namaste. Angela

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"Let go of all that does not serve you."

Life

This is my nephew Brady and niece Ava. I stole the picture off my sister's blog. It made me so homesick I wanted to fly home immediately and be a part of the whole crazy show.

The Year Ahead...

In 2008 I am going to take charge of my financial life. I'm going to learn to invest and do it apart from a paid advisor - none of whom ever got me a decent return on my dollars. I've grown tired of reading books on pseudo religious themes and self improvement. Lately it seems I've nothing left to learn from this stream (book wise) and keep running over the same words and thoughts rearranged by new authors. I'm starting to think that this is as good as I get, spiritually speaking. Now I need to take those lessons and apply them to real life in a conscious manner. After all, being conscious is the key.

So from this point on, this blog stops being about my self-awareness crusade. Not that I haven't enjoyed the ride, on the contrary it has been great. And although the ride's not over - I may even blog about the spirituality of money - it is time for a new focus, to learn some new things. And hopefully make a little money along the way!

calm

"Saw the world turning in my sheets

and once again, I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street;

look at the stars beneath my feet.

***

And so I sent some men to fight,

and one came back at dead of night.

Said he'd seen my enemy.

Said he looked just like me."

James Blunt

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"Let go of that which does not serve you."

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"Open yourself to something greater."

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www.yogatoday.com

Fire in the Belly

"Carpenters bend wood. Fletchers bend arrows.

Wise men fashion themselves."
-Buddha

It feels good to have some time, once again! For many days in a row now, I have had a regular yoga practice. Every day I have challenged myself with duration and intensity. At first it seemed all I could do was rediscover how to breath, trying my best not to be distracted by all the minutia both inside and out.

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Today was the most satisfying yet. My arms feel fatigued and a little sore from multiple rounds of spider to sphinx to down dog. Balance has improved. My mind has at least slowed its monkey antics. My hips have loosened, my spine seems a little straighter and taller.

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As I sit here, initially just surfing sites, looking for some inspiration from other bloggers, I realized that I am feeling something inside myself. Heat and energy. And it hit me, this is fire in my belly!

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So this is what it feels like. A calm with confidence. It is not happening in my head. It has seated itself just below my ribs and has warmed my fingers and toes. It did not come without a cost. It required that I move and breath and infuse myself with just a little bit of divinity. Such an insignificant price and yet weeks go by and I am unwilling to pay. And as such, I lose touch.

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I have no idea how to actually live with fire in my belly. Sure, it feels good, and all those small things have for the time fallen by the wayside. But...

Twinkle

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light,

From now on

our troubles will be out of sight

So have yourself a merry little Christmas night.

Every year I promise myself that I will go through all of my decorations and weed them out! And then, of course, I never do. That is until this year! And instead of waiting till the season is over, I actually did it as I was 'pulling out' rather than 'putting away'! The result is a truly spectacular tree (my humblest opinion) with only the ornaments I love and adore. Lots and lots of white lights, sparkly silver ribbon and a collection of stuff that has been building for 16 years.

This is one of a set of six tin snowmen that a dear friend gave me almost 10 years ago! How quickly time moves when measured in Christmases!


Merry Christmas everyone. May you find some magic in the day.

Winter Solstice: Walking into Light

Quickly we are closing in on the long nights of winter and readying for their exchange into longer days. Living at 58.5 degrees of latitude in the Canadian north, I am experiencing a strong appreciation for the extremes in light and dark. Both have such beauty. Both remind me that my journey is also all of our journey around the sun.

The darkness seems to have enveloped me this month. When I go to work the sky is a deep navy blue black and the moon sits proud just to the east of my drive. The still invisible horizon shows no hint that the sun is anywhere to be found. As I return home, so does the darkness. A blanket of charcoal grey slides into the dark of night and settles evenly around. Everything is crisp and frozen and crunches loudly beneath my feet in juxtaposition to all I can no longer see.

In the past, the night has not always been my companion. I recall waiting anxiously for the day that marks the change. For the hours of light to lengthen and the other to diminish. But for some reason, this year is different. Perhaps I have been so busy that the embrace of night is a comfort. Perhaps it is how it seems to slow down time and gives me room to breath. Perhaps something inside of me is just not ready to move on.

Long before the impingement of Christendom, the winter solstice was celebrated the world over by almost every culture and civilization. Somewhere around the 4th century, the sun and the son got lost in translation. For thousands of years, people have gathered to reverence the renewal and rebirth of the waning sun as it waxes to full strength. I find myself not quite ready, I'm not yet done with the darkness.

Life is an overlapping, interweaving series of events. For me, in this place and time, I have been asked by a small still voice to listen to the crunching snow beneath my feet and to watch the morning sky filled with moon and stars. To reaffirm and provoke the beliefs that I need to challenge.

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” Richard Wright

A Monday morning coffee and a blog...

I just counted, this is my 8th blog since beginning school in September. You probably have no idea how sad this tally makes me. There are so many days I long to sit here and rattle this keyboard, all the while composing numerous posts in my head (which I assure you are far better than the ones I actually write down).

I'm taking the day off. Well, sort of off. Lately I feel like I am caught up in a never ending what if outcome loop that generates mountains of work that I can never get to. So I have opted for a personal day, in which I am going to spend the time at school trying my best to get caught up and plan for the remaining weeks until Christmas.

Right now I'm giving great effort to overcoming the bitterness I feel about having to take a personal day (I actually get to pay them for this priviledge!) and the 2 hours I spent last night preparing for a sub. Usually getting prep'ed doesn't take so long but I am in transition in almost everything and needing to introduce new topics. Also today is my outside duty day for the week, it seems kind of mean to lay all of this on a sub, so I tried my best to make the rest of her day as painless as possible.

On other fronts, life seems very confused. I'm not so good when I find myself with no personal space to sort through daily events. It is easy to become closed and choke the energizing flow that keeps me in balance. Today is an attempt to open this wider. My mind becomes the proverbial hampster on the wheel and needs to be manually switched to off.

Some time ago I posted with regard to a possible move back to Vancouver Island. From all the behind the scenes indications, this is going to happen in the new year. I find myself experiencing many mixed emotions about this. For one thing, I love our home here in the north. The VI market is much more expensive and staying in the same dollar range will mean a significant change. I know, I know... this is my ego talking! Also, teaching jobs are not easy to come by on the island. It could mean years of waiting in the wing on a substitute list. So while my husband advances and earns more, I may stall and take a serious pay cut! And to add to the stress the current housing market here in the north has just dipped for the first time in 7 years. Selling could prove to be difficult and not as lucrative as we had hoped.

On a more positive outlook... I love the Island (for those of you who are thinking remote island in the Pacific, don't! VI is the size of Nova Scotia and is home to the capital city of British Columbia). It is incredibly beautiful. The place and the people are grounded and seem to have their priorities less mixed up. We lived there for 8 years and I can honestly say that in that time I felt more like I had found home than anywhere else I have ever lived, including my first love the Miramichi. Truthfully, I want to go. I'm just not sure I've done all the living here that I want to do.

Ah, I feeler calmer already. Do you find blogging meditative? Sometimes I find it to be the best medicine for what ails me.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. Gilda Radner

It has been a full day and my posting time is limited at the moment - however I did want to share with you one of my favourite daily reads. George makes me want to be only my authentic self in the highest and truest capacity I have the ability to live. His words have beauty in both their texture and meaning. When I seem to wander around, bouncing and teetering on the cusp of diction, he goes to the heart and leaves me going "yes, of course" in one fell swoop. I love his poetic philosophising. I hope that you also will appreciate.

George Breed - Cosmocracy

So often I sit here, wanting to write it all down and express it just so. And the thoughts filter through but rarely find any permanence on the page. Mostly because they are scattered, they come and go in rapid fire succession. They are filled with love, concern, turmoil, peace, rage and a deep knowing that in the end, none of it really matters.

I finished my report card comments on Friday and today I received kudos on a job well done from my principal. I guess that serves as a reminder that when called on to do so I can still write coherent and suscinct sentences. I enjoyed taking the time to consider the unique qualities and personalities of my students. In fact, I find myself somewhat saddened by the fact that they are only 8 and that it will be a very long time before they find their road in life. I wish I could, for just a few moments, fast forward to where their lives will take them, to see if my predictions come true. I wonder if other teachers think this way?

There are several highly intelligent kids in my class. Having learned as much as I have about giftedness over the last few years, my mind is always spinning in this direction and looking for characteristics that fit the profile. I'm quite good at spotting them and I find that it something many teachers discount or just file under 'smart' and leave it at that. To me this is a disservice not only to the child and their family but also to society at large. These are the kinds of kids that can change the world and unless someone tells them this, often they grow up not finding adequate challenges or believing that they are just like everyone else - they are not!

Recently I've noticed one boy in particular (who fits the profile and I imagine him squirrelled away in some obscure labratory 30 years from now) and his relationship to another boy in our class. They both possess lovely and delicate spirits and take great comfort in each other's company. Whenever they are standing beside each other, in line or on the playground, they hold hands. It seems to happen so naturally and spontaneously, almost as though they could not possibly stop it from happening. It touches me deep inside and I want to somehow protect these boys and their innocense from the cruelty of street savey bullies. Although I detect nothing sexual, they are afterall only eight years old, I do wonder if they are gay or if they for the moment have just found a safe refuge in another human being. My deepest hope is that their generation moves toward a loving acceptance rather than strained tollerance, and that their lives are full and blessed - and they have the freedom to be who they truly are.

Today. Take joy in who you are and share the good you have to give.

Namaste.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
Joni Mitchell

New Every Morning

Oh man! There is no planet sun or star that could hold you, if you but knew what you are! Ralph Emerson Waldo

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It is the beginning of a new week. I'm heading in with a renewed calm, with much thanks!

Yesterday I attended a sun salutation yoga workshop. Our room faces east, so just as the sun was peaking over the horizon we welcomed it with opening arms and bowing heads. It was incredibly moving and spiritually rendering - to just be in that moment with the sun and the silhouette of darkness as it lifted before us.

photo: Pisco Bandito, Flickr - click on photo

Go for long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
question your assumptions,
be kind to yourself,
live for the moment,
loosen up,
scream,
curse the world,
count your blessings,
just let go,
just be.
Carol Shields

I haven't written in so long. And that makes me sad. Life has been moving so fast and yet so slow. There has been no down time, no reprieve from the work and it is taking (taken) its toll.

After a mostly sleepless week, some serious pms and a 60 kid Halloween party - I had nothing left to give today. So at 3:45 when I woke up this morning with a head full of snot, ears and throat on fire - I couldn't help but ask what the hell is wrong with me that I would put myself through this and get myself wound into such a frenzy. So I called in sick.

I rarely call in sick. Oh I get sick, but I am super womyn! Watch me scale tall buildings and rescue the helpless.

School is good but it is so ridiculously busy that there are times I resent it. Sometimes it feels like they own you and resistance is futile. We are little drones who keep doing what central office dictates, and with each request we get further away from that for which we were hired - to teach and nurture children. All the while, smiling and publicly moving about as though everything is exactly how it should be. It is not genuine but it is expected. The dissenters are called out on professional misconduct. Heresy.

And then today I read my sister's blog. Early last year she was diagnosed with precancerous cells. Remarkably, just as she was about to decide on a course of treatment, they were gone. Vanished. Without a trace. It was a medical mystery of self healing. Or so they thought.

Fast forward to present day. My sister has a beautiful 8 week old baby girl named Ava. And the cells are back. More plentiful than before.

And when I found this out I just broke down. I am overwhelmed by a sad despair. And I'm angry that life can be so fragile and doesn't seem to respect our person or our circumstances. I can't seem to figure out the big picture right now. My perspective is broken. And whoever is responsible for this game called life is obviously the most fucked up entity in the universe.

I wander through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies and I stood at a distance to feel who you are, hiding myself in your eyes. Don't fall, just be who you are. It's all that we need in our lives. And the risk that might break you is the one that would save - a life you don't live is still lost. Hold back your fear and see nothing is real 'til it's gone. Goo Goo Dolls, Before It's Too Late

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music. Angela Monet

Somewhere in this ridiculously overloaded month, I've regained a passion that has been lacking. I'd love to relay that it is all roses and apple pie but of course that is not real life, now is it! It doesn't work like that.

But I have been stirred, perhaps even shaken at times.

Every day I get the chance to laugh and cry, to applaud and chastise, to be silent and let loose.

I'm getting my shit together. Quite impressively together! And I'm getting the perspective as right as I can. To see it all with eyes of love. To forgive those who don't know the difference and hope that they someday will.

The more life I live - the good the bad the ugly - the more I believe that life is beauty and beauty is life, even if I'm the only one who thinks that it is so.

Namaste.

If you've been wondering where I am/how I am... still here! Just mostly too tired to speak. The first few weeks of school are like that every year. Most days are just not long enough to get it all done!

This week has been particularly difficult. I've been battling a cold and sore throat (all those kid germs resurfacing) and exhaustion. Last night I was as low as low could go! Pretty close to my breaking point and I consider myself to have high tolerance. So I went to bed at 9 and got up at 7 feeling much better. Overtired is a place I really have to keep myself out of - it is my enemy to be certain.

Tonight I stayed late at school and sorted things out for next week. Having never taught grade 3 before, there are so many missing pieces in my mind construct of how it should all be done and even questions with regard to what needs to be done!

On the up side, I'm loving my kids. They're full of mischief and I wouldn't want them any other way! And at 8, they are blissfully unaware that I don't have my shit together.

;)

If I've learned anything as a teacher it is that every single one of us responds to love. Nothing contrived. Only the genuine article. And if we can see the spirit within another, nurture it and remove some of the obstacles that litter the path, we suddenly become miracle workers. I believe miracles happen every day.