Well, May has certainly not shaped up to be a good blogging month! Sometimes I think that this year has been one extended sickness. I caught a really bad cold in January that has never fully let me go. In April I discovered that cold had turned into a nasty sinus infection. I am currently on a second course of antibiotics, trying desperately to kick this thing in the butt.
All in all, I generally come home from work exhausted and functioning at 1/5 my normal energy level.
When I am back to being me (and bacteria free) I shall post again.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
In my Memory
from my journal - July 5, 2005
This year summer seems to be slipping away, right out from under my nose. When I was a kid, summers were eternal. A weaving of long days spent in, on and around the river. Scaling rock walls, swimming under the bridge, canoeing and watching my dad fly fish in the evenings.
When he would catch a salmon, which was often, I would watch him intently as he cleaned it right there at the edge of the river, first taking his jackknife to the skin, removing the scales and fins and then a slit right up the belly. Patiently I would wait for the heart, a perfectly pink little muscle about the size of a scallop that he would drop into my small hands. I was both horrified and intrigued as it continued to pump. When it would slow down I’d give it a poke and watch it contract again. Finally, when poking would no longer produce results, I’d place it at the very edge of the water and wait for the eel brave enough to come that close to shore.
Today there is nothing but blue sky above me. I sit on my deck listening to a quiet breeze rustle the maple and birch trees above my head. Their beautiful cadence is highlighted by the song of a morning bird and the jump and chirp of squirrels as they play from limb to limb.
It appears that I am nostalgic today. Sometimes it is difficult as an adult to be present in these moments, so many competing thoughts seek to distract. And yet, it is these very moments that bring me back to those eternal summers. A quiet mind removes me, albeit temporarily, from an overscheduled life.
As a child I had great freedom. In my town I knew everyone and they knew me – in fact most of them were my cousins, however many times removed! There were few restrictions on where I could or couldn’t go; what I could or couldn’t do. Moving from one blessed blue sky day into the next, all the while turning more golden brown and bleached out blonde. I knew great joy and almost nothing of fear.
My imagination ran wild. I was certain that I alone owned the river. I took such pleasure in it. In late August the water level would drop, revealing the shallow flat rock bottom. I would skip from rock to rock, jumping over small pools of water caught away from the main channel, begging for a heavy rain to reunite them. Years before, my dad as a boy, had carved his name into those very rocks. I loved knowing that the paths I traveled were so connected to his. I had big dreams in those days, of what I am not even sure. Who can know the power of a child’s mind, simple and pure and unafraid.
Yesterday I had no inkling that today, over a creamy cup of coffee in my back yard, hundreds of miles from that river and years removed from childhood, I would rediscover this unexpected bliss. The power is always within us, sometimes hidden beneath years of unswept leaves and pine needles. That special place for each of us, where we know great joy and almost nothing of fear.
This year summer seems to be slipping away, right out from under my nose. When I was a kid, summers were eternal. A weaving of long days spent in, on and around the river. Scaling rock walls, swimming under the bridge, canoeing and watching my dad fly fish in the evenings.
When he would catch a salmon, which was often, I would watch him intently as he cleaned it right there at the edge of the river, first taking his jackknife to the skin, removing the scales and fins and then a slit right up the belly. Patiently I would wait for the heart, a perfectly pink little muscle about the size of a scallop that he would drop into my small hands. I was both horrified and intrigued as it continued to pump. When it would slow down I’d give it a poke and watch it contract again. Finally, when poking would no longer produce results, I’d place it at the very edge of the water and wait for the eel brave enough to come that close to shore.
Today there is nothing but blue sky above me. I sit on my deck listening to a quiet breeze rustle the maple and birch trees above my head. Their beautiful cadence is highlighted by the song of a morning bird and the jump and chirp of squirrels as they play from limb to limb.
It appears that I am nostalgic today. Sometimes it is difficult as an adult to be present in these moments, so many competing thoughts seek to distract. And yet, it is these very moments that bring me back to those eternal summers. A quiet mind removes me, albeit temporarily, from an overscheduled life.
As a child I had great freedom. In my town I knew everyone and they knew me – in fact most of them were my cousins, however many times removed! There were few restrictions on where I could or couldn’t go; what I could or couldn’t do. Moving from one blessed blue sky day into the next, all the while turning more golden brown and bleached out blonde. I knew great joy and almost nothing of fear.
My imagination ran wild. I was certain that I alone owned the river. I took such pleasure in it. In late August the water level would drop, revealing the shallow flat rock bottom. I would skip from rock to rock, jumping over small pools of water caught away from the main channel, begging for a heavy rain to reunite them. Years before, my dad as a boy, had carved his name into those very rocks. I loved knowing that the paths I traveled were so connected to his. I had big dreams in those days, of what I am not even sure. Who can know the power of a child’s mind, simple and pure and unafraid.
Yesterday I had no inkling that today, over a creamy cup of coffee in my back yard, hundreds of miles from that river and years removed from childhood, I would rediscover this unexpected bliss. The power is always within us, sometimes hidden beneath years of unswept leaves and pine needles. That special place for each of us, where we know great joy and almost nothing of fear.
Tell me whacha want...
I realized this morning that I have been creating and perpetuating confusion in my life recently. But all is not lost, sometimes it is good to get confused and travel out of bounds, if for not other reason than it makes the right road look, well, more right!
But to clarify...I'm not holding myself to being on the right road!
A few days ago I started a new blog. More accurately I created a template. I didn't actually make an entry until today. I've made a conscious decision to keep it private. I have found that I enjoy working things out via the blogging process and the ability to blog regardless of my location or worrying about losing files from crashing computers.
I believe that this new blog will eventually serve as a business plan, be it unconventional. It will be a secret place to grow and energize the direction and doors I will open in the coming years. I have expectation that the blog itself will become an embedded aspect of the business and will someday be very public. Just not right now.
No worry, I will continue to drone on and on here! This will be for my confusion, the other for my clarity!
But to clarify...I'm not holding myself to being on the right road!
A few days ago I started a new blog. More accurately I created a template. I didn't actually make an entry until today. I've made a conscious decision to keep it private. I have found that I enjoy working things out via the blogging process and the ability to blog regardless of my location or worrying about losing files from crashing computers.
I believe that this new blog will eventually serve as a business plan, be it unconventional. It will be a secret place to grow and energize the direction and doors I will open in the coming years. I have expectation that the blog itself will become an embedded aspect of the business and will someday be very public. Just not right now.
No worry, I will continue to drone on and on here! This will be for my confusion, the other for my clarity!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Off Broadway, My Favorite Productions
“First the stalk - then the roots. First the need - then the means to satisfy that need. First the nucleus - then the elements needed for its growth.” Robert Collier
Finding clarity of purpose, I am discovering, is a journey to the deepest part of my person. I've always had a twinge of envy toward my friends and colleagues who seem to innately know what it is that they want out of life. However, I must put a disclaimer on this, that these people are rare individuals indeed. They are not found amongst the masses.
In many respects I have great clarity of life in general these days. There are few illusions or disillusions - things just are as they are. It is both easy and dangerous to apply the rules of coincidence to the lives we lead. Everything leads somewhere and eventually comes back around. Should this coming back around direct our path? I have no firm answer.
The art of living is so much simpler than I ever would have imagined just a few years ago. I've given up wondering why the cycle of life is what it is, although I do believe it has something to do with karma and spirits that sojourn for eternity. It is easy to get misdirected in this flash of time we are given to experience the mystery of life.
It seems that whatever challenge is in my path, a bible verse or fragment manifests in my consciousness. Today, very strong in my mind eye is:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." And,
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7.
Last night Jeremy came home after several days away and having just written an important exam. He was tired and discouraged. I used to think that tired and discouraged were detrimental places to reside, I now think differently. It is here that we come closest to finding clarity of purpose. It is here that we evaluate the broad way and look for the narrow gate. It is here that we forget about status and cash flow and learn to open ourselves up by baring our souls with humility. Here we are able to glimpse, even touch and stir if we are daring enough, what it would be like to live with passion and purpose.
The broad way is a marketplace. It is full of illusionists and magicians and marketing seducers who do not want us to dig deeper. They want us shallow and mesmerized by shinny whirligigs, believing that we must constantly upgrade to the newer better version as that will convince us that we too are constantly getting better.
Finding the narrow way and staying on this way comes via seeking and asking and opening up for receiving. I'm getting better at baring my soul in humility - not to the masses but those who also are seeking and asking. And I am getting better at discerning mere coincidences. And I've finally lived enough to know when life is on repeat and requires a channel change to stop the insanity of a groundhog day gone awry.
Playing safe is probably the most unsafe thing in the world. You cannot stand still. You must go forward. Robert Collier
Finding clarity of purpose, I am discovering, is a journey to the deepest part of my person. I've always had a twinge of envy toward my friends and colleagues who seem to innately know what it is that they want out of life. However, I must put a disclaimer on this, that these people are rare individuals indeed. They are not found amongst the masses.
In many respects I have great clarity of life in general these days. There are few illusions or disillusions - things just are as they are. It is both easy and dangerous to apply the rules of coincidence to the lives we lead. Everything leads somewhere and eventually comes back around. Should this coming back around direct our path? I have no firm answer.
The art of living is so much simpler than I ever would have imagined just a few years ago. I've given up wondering why the cycle of life is what it is, although I do believe it has something to do with karma and spirits that sojourn for eternity. It is easy to get misdirected in this flash of time we are given to experience the mystery of life.
It seems that whatever challenge is in my path, a bible verse or fragment manifests in my consciousness. Today, very strong in my mind eye is:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." And,
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7.
Last night Jeremy came home after several days away and having just written an important exam. He was tired and discouraged. I used to think that tired and discouraged were detrimental places to reside, I now think differently. It is here that we come closest to finding clarity of purpose. It is here that we evaluate the broad way and look for the narrow gate. It is here that we forget about status and cash flow and learn to open ourselves up by baring our souls with humility. Here we are able to glimpse, even touch and stir if we are daring enough, what it would be like to live with passion and purpose.
The broad way is a marketplace. It is full of illusionists and magicians and marketing seducers who do not want us to dig deeper. They want us shallow and mesmerized by shinny whirligigs, believing that we must constantly upgrade to the newer better version as that will convince us that we too are constantly getting better.
Finding the narrow way and staying on this way comes via seeking and asking and opening up for receiving. I'm getting better at baring my soul in humility - not to the masses but those who also are seeking and asking. And I am getting better at discerning mere coincidences. And I've finally lived enough to know when life is on repeat and requires a channel change to stop the insanity of a groundhog day gone awry.
Playing safe is probably the most unsafe thing in the world. You cannot stand still. You must go forward. Robert Collier
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
All Lies in Jest
Long before I ever heard the beautiful melodies and guitar riffs of Simon & Garfunkel, I fell deeply in love with their lyrics. Little did I know that the sweet words I studied as poems were in fact only half of the story. To find that these words were accompanied with soul rippling harmony brought me to tears the first time I ever had the pleasure.
So tonight I indulged myself in parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. And it was indeed a fragrant and refreshing bouquet. It is only Wednesday but the week has been wrought with fatigue and a few ill mannered children.
Sometimes tiredness brings me to a mellow place. Other times it brings me to a place where I wonder how I could ever possibly choose the way. During these times it is good to feel something akin to kinder, gentler. To know that within resides a fighter that still remains.
I've squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles,
So tonight I indulged myself in parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. And it was indeed a fragrant and refreshing bouquet. It is only Wednesday but the week has been wrought with fatigue and a few ill mannered children.
Sometimes tiredness brings me to a mellow place. Other times it brings me to a place where I wonder how I could ever possibly choose the way. During these times it is good to feel something akin to kinder, gentler. To know that within resides a fighter that still remains.
I've squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles,
such are promises
All lies and jest, still the man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest, hmmmm
Asking only workman's wages, I come lookin for a job,
All lies and jest, still the man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest, hmmmm
Asking only workman's wages, I come lookin for a job,
but I get no offers
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there
Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than Ill be,
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there
Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than Ill be,
thats not unusual
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove
that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Friday, April 27, 2007
There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of the heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.
Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.
Look within.
Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
Dhammapada
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of the heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.
Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.
Look within.
Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.
Dhammapada
Thursday, April 26, 2007
When to close the door and when to open it back up?
A very pleasant day. The sun is shining and the ground is drying out at a speedy rate. One thing about living so far north is that once winter ends, a combination spring/summer is ushered in quickly! Already we are getting daylight from 6am til 10pm and the temperatures have been holding steady at +15C most days.
I had a rough evening last night. I was overwhelmed by all of the possible changes to take place. To my embarrassment I played the 'what if' game and made myself quite miserable indeed. I worried about husband getting / not getting the job. He is working a ridiculous amount of hours these days plus he is studying for a professional exam in his spare time, so between the two, he's a ghost in this house. Our weekend trip away made me realize that the bulk of problems we've been having have been a result of disconnect and not having time together. I am not so naive to think that a new job will rectify this but regardless something must give. So I played the what if game over that too.
And one other small problem I've been having since coming back from the Island. Babies. I was certain that decision was completely behind me. However two of my friends there, both of whom recently turned 40, are pregnant, and glowing! And teaching primary school hasn't helped either. The funny part is that I always swore that if I did have children I would only want boys but now I can't stop thinking how sweet it would be to have a little girl. It just might be those damn little kindergarten kids doing this to me. They're all so lovely and tug at my heartstrings with batty eyelashes and crocodile tears.
Only time will have all of the answers.
I had a rough evening last night. I was overwhelmed by all of the possible changes to take place. To my embarrassment I played the 'what if' game and made myself quite miserable indeed. I worried about husband getting / not getting the job. He is working a ridiculous amount of hours these days plus he is studying for a professional exam in his spare time, so between the two, he's a ghost in this house. Our weekend trip away made me realize that the bulk of problems we've been having have been a result of disconnect and not having time together. I am not so naive to think that a new job will rectify this but regardless something must give. So I played the what if game over that too.
And one other small problem I've been having since coming back from the Island. Babies. I was certain that decision was completely behind me. However two of my friends there, both of whom recently turned 40, are pregnant, and glowing! And teaching primary school hasn't helped either. The funny part is that I always swore that if I did have children I would only want boys but now I can't stop thinking how sweet it would be to have a little girl. It just might be those damn little kindergarten kids doing this to me. They're all so lovely and tug at my heartstrings with batty eyelashes and crocodile tears.
Only time will have all of the answers.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Inspiration
I love houses! I've been in love with the above for a bit now. No, it is not the house I currently live in.
Sweetness
Today is a milestone birthday for me. I'm 35. And I just might be the most content I've ever been in my life thus far. Nothing is perfect and that is the charm of it all.
I have found ME. Stripped down. A few pounds heavier. A bit wrinkled around the eyes. But all me. A very sweet place to move forward from, indeed!
I have found ME. Stripped down. A few pounds heavier. A bit wrinkled around the eyes. But all me. A very sweet place to move forward from, indeed!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
"If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will only look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere.
Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom
Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Brief History of Life (my Life that is)
I woke up this morning thinking about chaos theory. I love this idea, that in all randomness and seemingly chaotic and unrelated behavior there exists order. I first learned of this theory from a university roommate (a male engineering student who arrogantly assumed that my little "training to be a teacher brain" could not possibly comprehend such a deep school of thought. As I recall he would also refer to himself as stellar this and stellar that. However he did share his love of Lyle Lovett music for which I am forever grateful.).
So this weekend got me thinking on chaos and how our lives unfold. We went to visit our friends Rod & Jullie in Comox BC. Rod & Jullie were the first couple we met when we moved to Vancouver Island in 1994. To this day, despite rarely seeing them over the past five years, they remain the kind of friends for which time apart has no bearing on our relationship. Spending time with them makes me realize how incredibly blessed we have been to share our lives with smart, caring and conscious people.
When we moved away from the Island in '02, Jeremy got work with a water utility in Halifax as a Watershed Manager, taking care of all forested lands surrounding the water supply. This was more or less a political position that involved a lot of PR. Last year he left the water company to take on a Divisional Forester position with a large forestry company here in Alberta. Part of the reason we agreed to come to Alberta was to be that much closer to the Island and be able to take weekend trips such as we just did. I'm not telling you all this to impress you (Jeremy is a pretty humble guy) but to tell you that the choices above came out of seemingly random but seized opportunity.
Rewind to the past weekend and Saturday night. We were together with our friends (many of them) for dinner. A lot of company restructuring has taken place over the past five years on the west coast and people who all used to work for the same company now work for several different companies. Personally, I'm glad we missed all of that shuffling as it was a time of great uncertainty and stress. But the dust has now settled and Jeremy was approached by a friend to apply for a position for which his current work and watershed work would be huge assets. Coincidentally, the two people he has consistently used as reference on his resume over the last ten years are in the hiring seats. The position actually just closed on Monday but special allowance has been made for him to apply late.
A part of me is as giddy as a school girl. Mostly because I thrive on change and also because the choices made in recent years seem to have been validated - they actually were leading us somewhere. And even if that somewhere brings us full circle, we learned things about ourselves and life that I am convinced we could not have learned on any other loop.
Of course I do not know the future and therefore do not know how this is all going to come out in the wash. We have all witnessed a sure thing head south (without us). But I do know that Jeremy and I were able to reconnect this weekend and it felt like the way it used to feel. And that was sweet. And we do love the Island.
Don't worry... I will keep you updated.
:-)
So this weekend got me thinking on chaos and how our lives unfold. We went to visit our friends Rod & Jullie in Comox BC. Rod & Jullie were the first couple we met when we moved to Vancouver Island in 1994. To this day, despite rarely seeing them over the past five years, they remain the kind of friends for which time apart has no bearing on our relationship. Spending time with them makes me realize how incredibly blessed we have been to share our lives with smart, caring and conscious people.
When we moved away from the Island in '02, Jeremy got work with a water utility in Halifax as a Watershed Manager, taking care of all forested lands surrounding the water supply. This was more or less a political position that involved a lot of PR. Last year he left the water company to take on a Divisional Forester position with a large forestry company here in Alberta. Part of the reason we agreed to come to Alberta was to be that much closer to the Island and be able to take weekend trips such as we just did. I'm not telling you all this to impress you (Jeremy is a pretty humble guy) but to tell you that the choices above came out of seemingly random but seized opportunity.
Rewind to the past weekend and Saturday night. We were together with our friends (many of them) for dinner. A lot of company restructuring has taken place over the past five years on the west coast and people who all used to work for the same company now work for several different companies. Personally, I'm glad we missed all of that shuffling as it was a time of great uncertainty and stress. But the dust has now settled and Jeremy was approached by a friend to apply for a position for which his current work and watershed work would be huge assets. Coincidentally, the two people he has consistently used as reference on his resume over the last ten years are in the hiring seats. The position actually just closed on Monday but special allowance has been made for him to apply late.
A part of me is as giddy as a school girl. Mostly because I thrive on change and also because the choices made in recent years seem to have been validated - they actually were leading us somewhere. And even if that somewhere brings us full circle, we learned things about ourselves and life that I am convinced we could not have learned on any other loop.
Of course I do not know the future and therefore do not know how this is all going to come out in the wash. We have all witnessed a sure thing head south (without us). But I do know that Jeremy and I were able to reconnect this weekend and it felt like the way it used to feel. And that was sweet. And we do love the Island.
Don't worry... I will keep you updated.
:-)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Art of Letting Go
This winter I have been taking a Pilate's class two times a week. Each session is a full 60 minutes long with a level of intensity I would place in the bulldog hard category! It is punishing and about 15 minutes too long in my estimation. This is not to say that it hasn't been without benefit. My arms and core muscles (although still nicely insulated by a soft squishy layer) have tightened and firmed. I've also met some nice people and gained some confidence by getting back on the bicycle, so to speak.
For several years now I have been taking yoga classes. I love Yoga. Of all the forms of exercise, Yoga and walking are my front runners. Pilate's and Yoga share may common elements and movements yet are two distinct disciplines. Very distinct, as I have recently learned.
Most nights after returning home from Pilate's, I felt empty, tired and sore. I did not look forward to actually going to the classes but did always feel good for at least the two days following the workout. I even gave some consideration to signing up for the spring sessions, but have since reconsidered.
Part of my reasoning for not rejoining at this time is that I have met a wonderful and caring Yoga teacher. Christine and I have kindred spirits and she approaches the practice with an intention and awareness I have not previously experienced with any other teacher.
I do b
elieve that the beauty of Yoga exists in the deep connection that is made between the mind, the body and a collective spirit. The breath leads us on this journey, opening and extending our known boundaries of the three. It is a case of 'more than the sum of the parts'. Yoga, especially when lead by a teacher seeking the truth of who they are, goes far beyond physical exercise, so much so that the physicality is no longer even the point.
No doubt about it, Pilate's pushed my body to its physical limit. But something about it made me feel as though I had been robbed, that I wasn't good enough and that next time I should try harder. In Yoga, my breath is my focus, my mind is at ease and so is my body. I have experienced and maintained difficult poses and vinyasa by finding the beauty of the movement through the beauty of deep and soulful inhale and exhale. Also, I have found contentment and acceptance in not pushing my boundary (even backing off !) and allowing the pose to find its own rhythm. Generally, when I stop tyring so hard and rather focus my intent on releasing any tension and ego surrounding the movement, this release takes me far beyond the trying and into a deeper connect. I marvel at this over and over again.
I have found that this principle can be applied to daily living. My life takes on an ease when I thoughtfully practice the art of letting go. When I imagine myself soft and pliable I seem to glide through without getting caught up on so many small things. I also find that because I have purposefully given my physical and emotional self permission to accept things I cannot change, the things that I can change become much more meaningful and personal.
My desire for all of us, is that we can find our own space to practice and let go.
Namaste.
Take my yoke on you and become like me, for I am gentle and without pride, and you will have rest for your souls; For my yoke is good, and the weight I take up is not hard.
For several years now I have been taking yoga classes. I love Yoga. Of all the forms of exercise, Yoga and walking are my front runners. Pilate's and Yoga share may common elements and movements yet are two distinct disciplines. Very distinct, as I have recently learned.
Most nights after returning home from Pilate's, I felt empty, tired and sore. I did not look forward to actually going to the classes but did always feel good for at least the two days following the workout. I even gave some consideration to signing up for the spring sessions, but have since reconsidered.
Part of my reasoning for not rejoining at this time is that I have met a wonderful and caring Yoga teacher. Christine and I have kindred spirits and she approaches the practice with an intention and awareness I have not previously experienced with any other teacher.
I do b
elieve that the beauty of Yoga exists in the deep connection that is made between the mind, the body and a collective spirit. The breath leads us on this journey, opening and extending our known boundaries of the three. It is a case of 'more than the sum of the parts'. Yoga, especially when lead by a teacher seeking the truth of who they are, goes far beyond physical exercise, so much so that the physicality is no longer even the point.No doubt about it, Pilate's pushed my body to its physical limit. But something about it made me feel as though I had been robbed, that I wasn't good enough and that next time I should try harder. In Yoga, my breath is my focus, my mind is at ease and so is my body. I have experienced and maintained difficult poses and vinyasa by finding the beauty of the movement through the beauty of deep and soulful inhale and exhale. Also, I have found contentment and acceptance in not pushing my boundary (even backing off !) and allowing the pose to find its own rhythm. Generally, when I stop tyring so hard and rather focus my intent on releasing any tension and ego surrounding the movement, this release takes me far beyond the trying and into a deeper connect. I marvel at this over and over again.
I have found that this principle can be applied to daily living. My life takes on an ease when I thoughtfully practice the art of letting go. When I imagine myself soft and pliable I seem to glide through without getting caught up on so many small things. I also find that because I have purposefully given my physical and emotional self permission to accept things I cannot change, the things that I can change become much more meaningful and personal.
My desire for all of us, is that we can find our own space to practice and let go.
Namaste.
Take my yoke on you and become like me, for I am gentle and without pride, and you will have rest for your souls; For my yoke is good, and the weight I take up is not hard.
~Matthew 11:29,30~
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Northern Lights and Space Exploration
I woke early this morning. And rather than stay in bed and drift back off, I got up, made some tea and caught the most spectacular no-longer-full moon hanging just above the neighboring houses. Living here in the far reaching northern climes (about 58 1/2 degrees of latitude), dusk and dawn have become my favorite times of day. Although the big Alberta sky reaches on forever, there is something particularly palatable to me about the refraction of light witnessed here, living on the top of the world.A couple of nights ago, my insomnia was rewarded with a sky filled with shimmering northern lights. I notice that they often arc like rainbows across the sky, directly above my backyard. They change quickly - always evolving in dynamic striations. I find them mesmerizing and have endured -30 (yes Celsius) temps to enjoy them perform. It fascinates me that while most of this town sleeps, right above our heads an electrifying dance of cosmic particles plays out repeatedly, ab libbing a story retold from long before an audience came to appreciate the effort.
I sometimes wonder if people were more content in their lives before technology and science broke down the magic of so much beauty in life - like rainbows and the earth NOT being the centre of the universe? But then again, man has always had to contend with himself (I'm going to leave this gender specific, hehe) and who knows what will be explained tomorrow that I didn't even know I was better off unaware of today! And we always have the choice on technology - take my tv and telephone but leave the high speed connection.
Speaking of contentment, I have been enjoying a trove of it. Wayne Dyer is right on the money when he says that abundance is something we tune into. Not unlike messing around with the radio frequency. The right station can go along way in improving the day and our reactions to the world.
I believe it is a Chinese proverb that says when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Ah yes, dialing into the right frequency. To invite a teacher one must be ready to learn. And suddenly, with an ease once thought impossible, it is possible to take a step back from all the chaos of modern life and create space for something new. Lately, for me, this step back has had the effect of baggage dropping. Things I didn't even consider needing to let go of, suddenly removed and not missed at all. I'm not even completely sure what I am making room for! Perhaps for the time being it is enough just to create the space and watch for signs in the night sky.
Oh, and Cathy, my cosmic thoughts with you on these twists and turns of fate. xoxo
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Rooms & Revolving Doors
I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Dialogue from House, M.D. season 3
I've been giving much thought and attention to the idea of Intentions. My life is changing. And for the time being I feel as though I have successfully navigated through the initial fear of moving forward and into uncharted waters. Working through this fear has required a new spiritual commitment and trust in things unseen.
I have been reminding myself of instances in the past where I willed something to happen and it happened. When I was young I had an unfailing belief in my ability to manifest the things I wanted. I never discussed this with anyone - I regarded it as a sort of magical ability. Once, I confided in a friend of a certain boy I was interested in. Her response was that he was WAY out of my league. Without so much as another word to this friend, I put my mind to having this boy ask me out - within 6 weeks he asked me out and we dated for several months.
The strange thing is that this boy has been very near and dear to my heart since the first time I took notice of him in the high school gym - but in too many years to count, I have only seen him once. With the exception of this one meeting (he was with his wife and kids -he is since divorced - and I was with my mother and I scurried away like a scared rabbit) we have had numerous 'almost' encounters. Whenever I am home, I run into members of his immediate family all the time, but never him. Consequently, he runs into my immediate family on a fairly regular bases!
I've always felt as though we have an unfinished history. Like there is a cosmic loop that remains open between us. In the past I have filed this under school girl unrequited love, but in all honesty I am well past puppy crushes - on some level of consciousness I feel compelled to see him and find out how he is. While we dated I felt incredibly connected to him, different from other 'boyfriend' relationships I had had. After we broke up, there were numerous 'almost back together' moments that never materialized. (I don't' ever recall setting my intention for us to get back together) I always felt as though he 'got me' on a level most overlooked. I confided in him on the dreams I had for my life, and did not feel foolish in doing so. It was like he could somehow hear the things I did and didn't say and understood perfectly. I wonder if, when my thoughts are tuned to him, if his are also somehow tuned to me - and if that is what gives them so much strength, as though these thoughts have a mind and will of their own so very many years later. And then again, there is that insecure girl who discounts this all as lucid dreaming in my own little wishful thinking world.
I'm not looking for love and I don't believe that my thoughts are connected to reviving an old flame. But somewhere in this is an answer to a question not quite formulated. I feel as though it has been building for years and perhaps I am just now able to grasp and explore the significance of what it is and means - I might even find that it means nothing and that in and of itself will be beneficial.
Years ago when I first intended him into my life it was through willful thought. I am going to embark upon these same waters and see where this leads. My aunt once shared with me her thoughts on prayer - that when she would pray for the people she loved she imagined her intentions for those people as bits of energy that were able to go directly to the source of where they would effect. I find this such a beautiful visual. I am sending out my Intentions in the same spirit and for the highest good of all.
Dialogue from House, M.D. season 3
I've been giving much thought and attention to the idea of Intentions. My life is changing. And for the time being I feel as though I have successfully navigated through the initial fear of moving forward and into uncharted waters. Working through this fear has required a new spiritual commitment and trust in things unseen.
I have been reminding myself of instances in the past where I willed something to happen and it happened. When I was young I had an unfailing belief in my ability to manifest the things I wanted. I never discussed this with anyone - I regarded it as a sort of magical ability. Once, I confided in a friend of a certain boy I was interested in. Her response was that he was WAY out of my league. Without so much as another word to this friend, I put my mind to having this boy ask me out - within 6 weeks he asked me out and we dated for several months.
The strange thing is that this boy has been very near and dear to my heart since the first time I took notice of him in the high school gym - but in too many years to count, I have only seen him once. With the exception of this one meeting (he was with his wife and kids -he is since divorced - and I was with my mother and I scurried away like a scared rabbit) we have had numerous 'almost' encounters. Whenever I am home, I run into members of his immediate family all the time, but never him. Consequently, he runs into my immediate family on a fairly regular bases!
I've always felt as though we have an unfinished history. Like there is a cosmic loop that remains open between us. In the past I have filed this under school girl unrequited love, but in all honesty I am well past puppy crushes - on some level of consciousness I feel compelled to see him and find out how he is. While we dated I felt incredibly connected to him, different from other 'boyfriend' relationships I had had. After we broke up, there were numerous 'almost back together' moments that never materialized. (I don't' ever recall setting my intention for us to get back together) I always felt as though he 'got me' on a level most overlooked. I confided in him on the dreams I had for my life, and did not feel foolish in doing so. It was like he could somehow hear the things I did and didn't say and understood perfectly. I wonder if, when my thoughts are tuned to him, if his are also somehow tuned to me - and if that is what gives them so much strength, as though these thoughts have a mind and will of their own so very many years later. And then again, there is that insecure girl who discounts this all as lucid dreaming in my own little wishful thinking world.
I'm not looking for love and I don't believe that my thoughts are connected to reviving an old flame. But somewhere in this is an answer to a question not quite formulated. I feel as though it has been building for years and perhaps I am just now able to grasp and explore the significance of what it is and means - I might even find that it means nothing and that in and of itself will be beneficial.
Years ago when I first intended him into my life it was through willful thought. I am going to embark upon these same waters and see where this leads. My aunt once shared with me her thoughts on prayer - that when she would pray for the people she loved she imagined her intentions for those people as bits of energy that were able to go directly to the source of where they would effect. I find this such a beautiful visual. I am sending out my Intentions in the same spirit and for the highest good of all.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Expansion Bridges
Funny how things go and the way thoughts float through my head... but little fragments of this were strong enough to prompt me to look it up today:
Philippians 4:8 (The Message)
verse 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
I am struck by this - fill my mind and meditate on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, the beautiful, full of praise. If I practice these things, what I see, hear and learn from others, so long as they are in accordance with good things, will lead me into excellent harmonies and vibrations.
We cannot exist in two frequencies - either we are opening and expanding, which really means we are allowing things to move through us and hence letting them go OR we are closing and making ourselves an obstacle - whether to our own success or others. I know we all have stressors in our lives, and perhaps we must willingly let some of these things come to an end.
But don't forget to breathe - remember who you are, and that you are NOT these things, you just happen to be facilitating them in your life at the present moment. If Anxiety is rolling off of you at night in waves, know that you always have the power to choose the eyes through which you see the world.
Philippians 4:8 (The Message)
verse 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
I am struck by this - fill my mind and meditate on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, the beautiful, full of praise. If I practice these things, what I see, hear and learn from others, so long as they are in accordance with good things, will lead me into excellent harmonies and vibrations.
We cannot exist in two frequencies - either we are opening and expanding, which really means we are allowing things to move through us and hence letting them go OR we are closing and making ourselves an obstacle - whether to our own success or others. I know we all have stressors in our lives, and perhaps we must willingly let some of these things come to an end.
But don't forget to breathe - remember who you are, and that you are NOT these things, you just happen to be facilitating them in your life at the present moment. If Anxiety is rolling off of you at night in waves, know that you always have the power to choose the eyes through which you see the world.
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,
but that we wait so long to begin it. -- Anonymous
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Flight Patterns
Abundance is not something we acquire.
It is something we tune into.
~Wayne Dyer
~Wayne Dyer
For several days now I have been setting aside some time to meditate and think on qualities I wish to strengthen and/or cultivate in my life. Depending on the day and the challenges it presents, clearing my mind of random thoughts or concerns can either be very easy or very difficult. Some days the weight of the world seems heavier and releasing the weight an act of heroism.
Miss K (who has now been living with us for 6 weeks) has been presenting her challenges. I question what it is I need to learn. Funny, what she needs to learn is clearly evident to me! But when I get right down to it, her lessons become translated into my lessons - and although mine are different from hers, proportionally they are as difficult.
Yesterday, in a moment of reflection I emailed this to my mom:
Mom,
Today I want to thank you for the love and care you have given to me over 35 years. I feel immeasurable gratitude and love toward you and dad for the all encompassing standards and values you modeled and instilled in me throughout the years.
You are an incredibly wise woman who has taught me to guard and respect the sacredness of my very self. This has served me well. And it has enabled me to make decisions that are not always popular but are necessary for my own protection.
angela
xo
I rarely email Mom and as soon as I sent it all I could think is "boy that came out of left field"!
And this is how she responded.
Hi My DEAR,
Choice is not easy, nor a thing to explain, but one must live with it (them). God loves YOU and understands all things that are you. Do not allow fear to take your choices from you. Love you dearly and with much support.
Always, Mom
When I read this, I was sitting alone in my classroom during recess. And for the next several minutes I was awash in tears that refused to slow down and took all my mascara with them. And all the anger I had been feeling toward Miss K and consequently myself, dissolved. I was able to find that connection inside that grounds us to the divide between what is and what is not important.
It is in this space that I would like to live my life. Easier said than done.
Despite having always had healthy self-esteem, I think one of my lessons might just be in regard to acceptance, of myself and others. Here are a few of the things that have struck a chord of late. (I found these on the Internet somewhere).
1. My worth is unchangingly positive because it is my spiritual inheritance. It is not increased
by my success nor decreased by my mistakes.
2. I love and forgive myself totally for all of my mistakes.
3. I now realize that I have total worth and value as a person whether I learn my lessons in life or not!
4. I am the light, not the lampshade over the light.
5. I am the master of my life. I choose to be my best friend instead of my own worst enemy.
6. Life is beautiful.
Gratitude. Thanksgiving. Appreciation. Praise. Joy. Unfolding. Directing. Thought. Growth. Addressing. Confessing. Answer. Claim. Accept. Action. Responsibility. Forgiving. Favor. Grace. Love. Full. Empty. Blessed.
I think there is nothing more rewarding than doing the inner work!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Unbound
I am grateful for my life. Who I am. The way I laugh. And sometimes cry. How I think and the ability to change my thoughts, just because I can.
I give thanks for all aspects of my Self, in this present moment. For battles won and lost. And sometimes just because I stayed to fight or declined the fight altogether.
I am unique, and this in and of itself is cause for joyous praise. I aspire to my own experience on a road that sometimes twists and leads into extended meadows of rest and renewal.
I celebrate and acknowledge those who have written in permanent ink, leaving behind messages and parables that will forever bear witness in my becoming. That you saw me through when I needed you and you picked me up when I needed that and you allowed me to stay down when the time for getting up wasn't quite right. And even if you didn't do it out of love, I'm still thankful that you did it.
I give thanks for everything I've ever done and failed at. Or succeeded. Or didn't quite complete. I forgive myself for every moment I did not meet the mark. My life is not marked by negative or positive - it is just my life, and it is all beautiful - even when I must recognize beauty in new ways.
I give thanks that I am UNBOUND. Funny. Extraordinary. Curious. Odd. Surprising. Uncommon. Common. Amazing. Divergent. Bewildering. Breathtaking. Staggering.
I give thanks that MY life is MY own. I will keep my power and use it for good.
I give thanks for all aspects of my Self, in this present moment. For battles won and lost. And sometimes just because I stayed to fight or declined the fight altogether.
I am unique, and this in and of itself is cause for joyous praise. I aspire to my own experience on a road that sometimes twists and leads into extended meadows of rest and renewal.
I celebrate and acknowledge those who have written in permanent ink, leaving behind messages and parables that will forever bear witness in my becoming. That you saw me through when I needed you and you picked me up when I needed that and you allowed me to stay down when the time for getting up wasn't quite right. And even if you didn't do it out of love, I'm still thankful that you did it.
I give thanks for everything I've ever done and failed at. Or succeeded. Or didn't quite complete. I forgive myself for every moment I did not meet the mark. My life is not marked by negative or positive - it is just my life, and it is all beautiful - even when I must recognize beauty in new ways.
I give thanks that I am UNBOUND. Funny. Extraordinary. Curious. Odd. Surprising. Uncommon. Common. Amazing. Divergent. Bewildering. Breathtaking. Staggering.
I give thanks that MY life is MY own. I will keep my power and use it for good.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
It has been a week of troughs and peaks. I found myself extremely tired and unable to shake the general feeling of fatigue, despite sleeping 8-9 hours each night. When work ended on Friday I collapsed in a puddle on the couch and could not get up (save but to actually go to bed).
Also, it was an emotional week (the tired ones always are) with thoughts of leaving on my mind and where and when that will take me. I have a wonderful support in my beloved auntie Clara, my sister and Laura, my dear friend. Yet, I hesitated to burden them too greatly with ideas I myself am having difficulty reconciling. Their probes did not necessarily bring me to answers but did give me charters upon which to meditate.
And, meditate I did. I found myself challenged by some interesting coincidences. Perhaps I would have thought nothing of these nuances had I not read The Alchemist this week. It was serendipitous to have found the book, although it has been loosely in my brain as a book I would like to read, I have made no pursuit to actually track the book down and indulge. A quick peruse through our staffroom book share (something I do on the rarest of occasions) and there it was, smiling back at me, beckoning me with glee.
Each evening through tired and watery eyes I read. Initially the book depressed me. Agitated over my own lack of destiny. But as I allowed the parable to wallow and stew, I concluded that I do not lack a destiny - I lack courage and conviction to see myself through to the realization of a recurring dream I have had for my life for many many years. This only added to the depression!
My biggest obstacle, and I have iterated this many times inside my head, is lack . Lack of money to be specific. How many times have I said, "If I had $x, I would do x"? And over and above that excuse, there are always others that have kept me from pursuing what I want to do and what I believe I would be particularly good at.
In my mind eye I can see it in detail, smell its fragrance and hear the echo of laughter and contentment it would bring.
What struck me most from the book, is that fulfilling our destiny requires a patient commitment to do so. Our spirit needs preparation. Self-discipline needs exercised. And we need the universe to sometimes conspire on our behalf and believe in miracles great and small, in the face of extraordinary circumstances, that we were destined for success when others along the path fell short of the prize.
~~~~~~
So after a weeks worth of recycling thoughts, I find myself leading with the ideal of pursuing the destiny that is mine. For a few years, I have practically given up belief in God. Honestly, this has afforded me little favor in the happiness department. So I am committing to begin with a shifted paradigm on the god issue. I am a spark of the divine and that divinity has purpose within my being. I need to develop a relationship with a new god, one not unlike but also not the same as one I worshipped in the past.
Also, I am clearing some room for mediation - both in my heart and in my house. This will be an "intention space" (Lynne McTaggart) to explore through affirmation, abundance and attraction. This will be part of my discipline. And I am down right excited to see where this leads me. I've done this sort of thing before, but always in a very general way. This time I will be specific in my objectives and open to how my prayers (of sort) will be answered.
For now, all of the other things (which are small and insignificant) are being put on the shelf. Let's give them a chance to resolve on their own. I don't think a little spontaneous healing is too much to ask for.
Namaste.
Also, it was an emotional week (the tired ones always are) with thoughts of leaving on my mind and where and when that will take me. I have a wonderful support in my beloved auntie Clara, my sister and Laura, my dear friend. Yet, I hesitated to burden them too greatly with ideas I myself am having difficulty reconciling. Their probes did not necessarily bring me to answers but did give me charters upon which to meditate.
And, meditate I did. I found myself challenged by some interesting coincidences. Perhaps I would have thought nothing of these nuances had I not read The Alchemist this week. It was serendipitous to have found the book, although it has been loosely in my brain as a book I would like to read, I have made no pursuit to actually track the book down and indulge. A quick peruse through our staffroom book share (something I do on the rarest of occasions) and there it was, smiling back at me, beckoning me with glee.
Each evening through tired and watery eyes I read. Initially the book depressed me. Agitated over my own lack of destiny. But as I allowed the parable to wallow and stew, I concluded that I do not lack a destiny - I lack courage and conviction to see myself through to the realization of a recurring dream I have had for my life for many many years. This only added to the depression!
My biggest obstacle, and I have iterated this many times inside my head, is lack . Lack of money to be specific. How many times have I said, "If I had $x, I would do x"? And over and above that excuse, there are always others that have kept me from pursuing what I want to do and what I believe I would be particularly good at.
In my mind eye I can see it in detail, smell its fragrance and hear the echo of laughter and contentment it would bring.
What struck me most from the book, is that fulfilling our destiny requires a patient commitment to do so. Our spirit needs preparation. Self-discipline needs exercised. And we need the universe to sometimes conspire on our behalf and believe in miracles great and small, in the face of extraordinary circumstances, that we were destined for success when others along the path fell short of the prize.
~~~~~~
So after a weeks worth of recycling thoughts, I find myself leading with the ideal of pursuing the destiny that is mine. For a few years, I have practically given up belief in God. Honestly, this has afforded me little favor in the happiness department. So I am committing to begin with a shifted paradigm on the god issue. I am a spark of the divine and that divinity has purpose within my being. I need to develop a relationship with a new god, one not unlike but also not the same as one I worshipped in the past.
Also, I am clearing some room for mediation - both in my heart and in my house. This will be an "intention space" (Lynne McTaggart) to explore through affirmation, abundance and attraction. This will be part of my discipline. And I am down right excited to see where this leads me. I've done this sort of thing before, but always in a very general way. This time I will be specific in my objectives and open to how my prayers (of sort) will be answered.
For now, all of the other things (which are small and insignificant) are being put on the shelf. Let's give them a chance to resolve on their own. I don't think a little spontaneous healing is too much to ask for.
Namaste.
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