Sunday, April 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Shared
Although I enjoy the good times in life, I know that these are not the times that make us grow. They are not the fertilizer in our soil or the rain that waters our roots.
Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.
As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.
Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.
I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.
In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.
Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.
When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.
I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.
xo
Lately, I seem to think about home a lot and about the people who were most important to me in my forming years. Even though I haven't seen or spoken with many of them in getting on to two decades, in my mind and heart, I can so easily imagine turning to them in times of need. Their friendships long ago were that important. And I knew their heart and that they also knew mine.
As adults we become such guarded and shielded individuals. The cars we drive and the houses we live in symbolize our good character and choices in life - laid out for all the world to see. Funny, where I grew up neither mattered so much. It was instead the integrity of the people who lived in said houses and the things that were spoken of them in the community that characterized them. I was brought up to believe in people, not dollars or logos on cars.
Tonight I am sad. Heart-breaking, tears falling, breath catching kind of sad. One of those friends from so many years ago lost her dad recently. And in my heart I'm reaching out. And I want to say that I'm sorry for the loss, but it sounds trite even though I don't mean it that way. And I want to tell her all the things I remember about us growing up together - both for her and for me - to remember those countless sleepovers and biking in the summer and trying to skateboard down the hill with the turn at the top, learning to put on makeup in the tiny little mirror on her dresser and talking for hours about all the things that truly mattered and yet didn't at all.
I think about some friendships and how they never changed me or challenged me. Terri always did that. She introduced me to things I wouldn't have found myself, might not have even thought to look for. And she satisfied in me the need to have a friend with equally obsessed thought tendencies about the universe and what it all meant.
In my mind's eye I picture us as kids with such clarity. The things we did, the places we went, how similar and shared our experiences were and how equally different, all at the same time. It brings me comfort. Knowing that a part of my life was traveled and intertwined for a time with such a significant person and her family. We had no symbols of wealth or status, only friendship and people around us doing the best they could with what they had been given.
Her dad has been on a journey of dying for many years. When I was a kid, he was a healthy and vibrant man with a quick smirk/smile and always a kind welcome to me in his house. I recall nights when Terri and I stayed awake so late talking, that her dad would actually get up and leave to go work in the woods before we would fall asleep for the first time. I never knew him well and yet I spent a lot of time in proximity.
When we grieve it is not for those who pass on but for those who remain. Tonight I am giving an exhaled sigh for a journey that has come to an end. A journey that has stamped a mark on those left behind. To deal with and forgive and accept and release and embrace - all of those conflicting emotions we feel in life and now must also deal with in the absence of someone loved. I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of it all. But you always were stronger than I, perhaps this is why you have been entrusted.
I wish I could always live courageously outside of the boundaries of societal houses and cars. And for the moment I can. My heart is with you, my dear friend. May the sun come out and shine warmly on your garden of life.
xo
Saturday, April 04, 2009
On the mend?
I'm almost afraid to vocalize it but I think I might be on an upswing! Oh, sweet serenity! wouldn't that be a novel and welcome change in direction!
This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.
Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.
I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.
This week I had two more massages. One on Tuesday that had been preceded by physio. All in all the experience was nasty. Physio was its usual unpleasantness and by the time the massage therapist was through with me I was quite certain my entire left arm from fingertip to collar bone had been put through a meat grinder. In my mind I had this vision of a mutilated and cut up limb just hanging there in shreds of flesh, it actually surprised me that when I looked at it it continued to be the same arm I've been attached to for years! My body ached as though it was one large toothache. I was convinced I'd never regain its use, but alas the next day it started coming around and improved noticeably with each passing day.
Last night I once again put myself at the mercy of massage and for the first time since this journey began, almost enjoyed it. This is not to say it was all sunshine and buttercups but at least I didn't leave feeling as though I needed to enter a 24 hour recovery zone. I also slept a solid ten and a half hours, which gave me the strength and focus to spend several hours working on report cards today. So not only do I feel better physically but a huge burden has been lifted from my professional life.
I have two more massages lined up for the coming week. Of all the "therapies" I'm going through I feel that this one has been the most effect at helping me to recover as well as to get to the root of the problem. I also think massage has great benefits for the mind, helping me to remember the integral connection of the body with the rest of who I am.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Challenge III
I'm happy to say that I survived my week without sugar. There were only 2 nights out of the 7 that I really struggled. The Wednesday when I had been out with colleagues and than again Friday evening - I can't even articulate how badly I wanted some Breyer's Heavenly Hash ice cream! By Saturday morning I was happy that I hadn't given in, I would have been gravely disappointed in myself.
This morning I was discussing with husband how frustrated I've been of late. Since early January I have gained close to 10 lbs, topping myself out on the scale at an all time high (160.2 lbs). I've also been extremely tired. In a recent post I detailed how I've been functioning on 2 cylinders and there are days when even they seem to be crapping out.
So I am in the process of a life review. Obviously I am not happy about gaining 10 lbs but it goes deeper than that. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to be proud of the choices I make about my health and what I deserve out of life. Right now I'm limited as to which clothes I am able to wear that are hanging in my closet. I'm also fighting constant fatigue. There are so many things I am happy/content with in general - such as my job, my friends, my husband... yet.... There are days I am just so tired all I do is make it through the day, forget about even contacting friends and having a life beside. This has been going on for months.
The question I am asking this week is - how can this be fixed? What aspects of my life can I identify so as to make changes and improve how I feel and increase the hours of sleep I get on a regular basis?
Perhaps I should first of all explain the sleep situation. I do not suffer insomnia every night. I will have a bought of insomnia and then spend a week sleeping like the dead with a sleep hangover that is equally as exhausting as the insomnia. One week I can't fall asleep, the next I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of bed and on with the day. Right now I am in the later phase.
So, this week the challenge I am setting is to write down everything that I eat and drink for 7 days. I'm going to record them right here on my blog. I'm also going to include daily supplements of an omega 3-6-9 blend and vitamin D3 along with 1/2 cup of acai juice blend from MonaVie. I will record the quality of sleep I had on the previous night and detail stressors I am encountering. I also plan to add commentary on how the day went and affects of particular foods should there be any noticeable cause and effect.
I hope that just the process of writing down what I eat and publicly proclaiming it will help me to make better choices - we'll see. Sometimes I convince myself that I eat so well there is nothing to restrict or cut out, deep down I know this is delusional thinking. My week without sugar showed me all too clearly that there is much to which I should say "no thanks"!
I am not discounting the possibility of medical diagnosis for the fatigue. I very well may have low iron or low thyroid. In May I am scheduled for a medical that will check these along with a variety of other functions. For the time being however, I'm not going to let either of those be factors. I was told recently that thyroid medications are the most over prescribed of all phramacueticals (not sure if this is true but it does sound reasonable), the problem is that once you start such meds your body makes even less. It would not surprise me if the answer for thyroid is in diet - if we all ate like nature intended we probably wouldn't need the medical community at all.
This morning I was discussing with husband how frustrated I've been of late. Since early January I have gained close to 10 lbs, topping myself out on the scale at an all time high (160.2 lbs). I've also been extremely tired. In a recent post I detailed how I've been functioning on 2 cylinders and there are days when even they seem to be crapping out.
So I am in the process of a life review. Obviously I am not happy about gaining 10 lbs but it goes deeper than that. I want to feel good. I want to look good. I want to be proud of the choices I make about my health and what I deserve out of life. Right now I'm limited as to which clothes I am able to wear that are hanging in my closet. I'm also fighting constant fatigue. There are so many things I am happy/content with in general - such as my job, my friends, my husband... yet.... There are days I am just so tired all I do is make it through the day, forget about even contacting friends and having a life beside. This has been going on for months.
The question I am asking this week is - how can this be fixed? What aspects of my life can I identify so as to make changes and improve how I feel and increase the hours of sleep I get on a regular basis?
Perhaps I should first of all explain the sleep situation. I do not suffer insomnia every night. I will have a bought of insomnia and then spend a week sleeping like the dead with a sleep hangover that is equally as exhausting as the insomnia. One week I can't fall asleep, the next I sleep so hard that I can barely get out of bed and on with the day. Right now I am in the later phase.
So, this week the challenge I am setting is to write down everything that I eat and drink for 7 days. I'm going to record them right here on my blog. I'm also going to include daily supplements of an omega 3-6-9 blend and vitamin D3 along with 1/2 cup of acai juice blend from MonaVie. I will record the quality of sleep I had on the previous night and detail stressors I am encountering. I also plan to add commentary on how the day went and affects of particular foods should there be any noticeable cause and effect.
I hope that just the process of writing down what I eat and publicly proclaiming it will help me to make better choices - we'll see. Sometimes I convince myself that I eat so well there is nothing to restrict or cut out, deep down I know this is delusional thinking. My week without sugar showed me all too clearly that there is much to which I should say "no thanks"!
I am not discounting the possibility of medical diagnosis for the fatigue. I very well may have low iron or low thyroid. In May I am scheduled for a medical that will check these along with a variety of other functions. For the time being however, I'm not going to let either of those be factors. I was told recently that thyroid medications are the most over prescribed of all phramacueticals (not sure if this is true but it does sound reasonable), the problem is that once you start such meds your body makes even less. It would not surprise me if the answer for thyroid is in diet - if we all ate like nature intended we probably wouldn't need the medical community at all.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Challenge #2
So you thought I'd given up on the 7 Day Challenge, didn't you!!! Do not fear, in fact I am on one right now. 7 days without refined sugars or honey. I'm already on day 5. And in all honesty, I've shown remarkable restraint if I do say so myself!
Sugar for me is an insidious little thing. It finds me in the form of chocolate and treats that aren't overly sweet, but of which I can eat mass quantities! Like if I bake something I like a lot, good chance that I'll polish it off within a couple of days.
Up until I turned 30 my metabolism was red hot, I could eat anything and just burn it off. I noticed a difference between 30 and 35. Since 35 til now, as best it is luke warm. *cry cry cry* This is not the first time I've gone without sugar. At least once a year I do a cleanse - that is really tough because along with the sugar goes anything white (rice & bread), milk products and red meat. That is a long 2 weeks!
So far, this challenge has been pretty easy. The only cheat was that I used flavored yogurt instead of plain in a smoothie I made today (I forgot to buy plain, which I actually prefer in smoothies). I'm still eating fruit (no juice) in moderation. Last night I was out with colleagues for a diner meeting, most of them had dessert. That was a bit tough. When I got home I had an urge to search the house for the left over peanut M&Ms I made Jeremy hide last week (so I wouldn't eat them all)! I abstained and worked through the craving.
Have you been giving any thoughts to a challenge? I'm thinking my next one will be 7 days of yoga.
Namaste
Sugar for me is an insidious little thing. It finds me in the form of chocolate and treats that aren't overly sweet, but of which I can eat mass quantities! Like if I bake something I like a lot, good chance that I'll polish it off within a couple of days.
Up until I turned 30 my metabolism was red hot, I could eat anything and just burn it off. I noticed a difference between 30 and 35. Since 35 til now, as best it is luke warm. *cry cry cry* This is not the first time I've gone without sugar. At least once a year I do a cleanse - that is really tough because along with the sugar goes anything white (rice & bread), milk products and red meat. That is a long 2 weeks!
So far, this challenge has been pretty easy. The only cheat was that I used flavored yogurt instead of plain in a smoothie I made today (I forgot to buy plain, which I actually prefer in smoothies). I'm still eating fruit (no juice) in moderation. Last night I was out with colleagues for a diner meeting, most of them had dessert. That was a bit tough. When I got home I had an urge to search the house for the left over peanut M&Ms I made Jeremy hide last week (so I wouldn't eat them all)! I abstained and worked through the craving.
Have you been giving any thoughts to a challenge? I'm thinking my next one will be 7 days of yoga.
Namaste
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In and Out
I think lately I've been forgetting to breathe.
My whole body is uptight, clenched almost. As for sleep, forget it - whirling through my mind at 2 am is an endless reel of nothingness that refuses to stop. I feel like I'm down to two shoddy cylinders at best. Oh to run on four again! Six is too elusive to even imagine.
I'm a naturally high strung person. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It just seems to be the way I'm programmed. Probably one of the reasons I have loved yoga so much is that it targets this area with calmness and serenity. Takes me outside of myself and helps to insulate all my frays.
This shoulder situation has taken more of a toll than I would like to admit. Last night I had another physio session and he told me I had to stop being afraid to do the things I did before the injury. It sucks when someone else tells you the fears you have to face. Like there aren't enough that I already know about, now someone else is keeping score too! I think this is where much of the tension is coming from - for a week I held my body rigid so as not to inflict additional pain and now that that is not necessary I still can't quite let it go.
So for the next several days I am going to consciously try and breathe. Just breathe. And let everything else fall away.
My whole body is uptight, clenched almost. As for sleep, forget it - whirling through my mind at 2 am is an endless reel of nothingness that refuses to stop. I feel like I'm down to two shoddy cylinders at best. Oh to run on four again! Six is too elusive to even imagine.
I'm a naturally high strung person. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It just seems to be the way I'm programmed. Probably one of the reasons I have loved yoga so much is that it targets this area with calmness and serenity. Takes me outside of myself and helps to insulate all my frays.
This shoulder situation has taken more of a toll than I would like to admit. Last night I had another physio session and he told me I had to stop being afraid to do the things I did before the injury. It sucks when someone else tells you the fears you have to face. Like there aren't enough that I already know about, now someone else is keeping score too! I think this is where much of the tension is coming from - for a week I held my body rigid so as not to inflict additional pain and now that that is not necessary I still can't quite let it go.
So for the next several days I am going to consciously try and breathe. Just breathe. And let everything else fall away.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Mish-Mash Update
I'm tired.
And heavy-hearted, today.
Somehow that seems to be enough said. The last 4 weeks have been gruelling. Although my arms are feeling much improved, I'm now in physio for the next six weeks. The good news is that I have resumed my running and am easily ticking off 300+ calories in a 30 minute session. Our bodies are amazing machines, their resiliency is remarkable.
I always swore I would never run. That I hated it! I've always been a walker so to suddenly find myself running - and enjoying it no less - comes as a surprise I would never have expected. A most pleasant one in deed. And I've found a time of day that really works for me - somewhere between 4 and 5 in the evening.
My mom called this morning to let me know that my dad's eye has been causing him problems again. A few years ago he lost the sight in his left eye due to a stroke that affected his eye only - no other impact on his body or brain. It resulted in months of painful therapy and elevated eye pressure - for which he need laser surgery that actually burned a hole through the eye to allow draining and relieve the pressure. He had to have the procedure done in Halifax where we were living at the time. His recovery took place at our house - I'm not sure who it was harder on. Obviously him, but to see a man so strong rendered so helpless - not to mention the pain (he was awake for the procedure and no pain meds could be administered) that ensued throughout and afterward was heart breaking.
The call this morning was to let me know that the pressure is once again up in the damaged eye and his good eye is also elevated. I am absolutely terrified that my father could lose the vision in his good eye. I can't even go there. There are two solutions being considered. One is to put a stint or permanent drain in the eye or to remove the eye all together. Today he has gone to talk to a couple of people who have had similar surgeries in the recent past. The consensus in my family is that he should have the eye removed. I think they would then be better able to monitor his good eye for changes without wondering if its elevated pressure is linked to the damaged one.
For the most part, my family has suffered very little when it comes to personal tragedy or sickness. For this I am most thankful. I know that there are lessons to be learned - like dependence and pulling together and facing your fears in uncertain times. The most difficult part is that our worlds are these self-made vortexes that don't stop - we somehow get them wound so tight that when we need to break free of them to care for ourselves or the ones we love, their forces are so strong that they keep pulling us back in - dividing our hearts and minds.
May peace abound fully with you today. Namaste.
And heavy-hearted, today.
Somehow that seems to be enough said. The last 4 weeks have been gruelling. Although my arms are feeling much improved, I'm now in physio for the next six weeks. The good news is that I have resumed my running and am easily ticking off 300+ calories in a 30 minute session. Our bodies are amazing machines, their resiliency is remarkable.
I always swore I would never run. That I hated it! I've always been a walker so to suddenly find myself running - and enjoying it no less - comes as a surprise I would never have expected. A most pleasant one in deed. And I've found a time of day that really works for me - somewhere between 4 and 5 in the evening.
My mom called this morning to let me know that my dad's eye has been causing him problems again. A few years ago he lost the sight in his left eye due to a stroke that affected his eye only - no other impact on his body or brain. It resulted in months of painful therapy and elevated eye pressure - for which he need laser surgery that actually burned a hole through the eye to allow draining and relieve the pressure. He had to have the procedure done in Halifax where we were living at the time. His recovery took place at our house - I'm not sure who it was harder on. Obviously him, but to see a man so strong rendered so helpless - not to mention the pain (he was awake for the procedure and no pain meds could be administered) that ensued throughout and afterward was heart breaking.
The call this morning was to let me know that the pressure is once again up in the damaged eye and his good eye is also elevated. I am absolutely terrified that my father could lose the vision in his good eye. I can't even go there. There are two solutions being considered. One is to put a stint or permanent drain in the eye or to remove the eye all together. Today he has gone to talk to a couple of people who have had similar surgeries in the recent past. The consensus in my family is that he should have the eye removed. I think they would then be better able to monitor his good eye for changes without wondering if its elevated pressure is linked to the damaged one.
For the most part, my family has suffered very little when it comes to personal tragedy or sickness. For this I am most thankful. I know that there are lessons to be learned - like dependence and pulling together and facing your fears in uncertain times. The most difficult part is that our worlds are these self-made vortexes that don't stop - we somehow get them wound so tight that when we need to break free of them to care for ourselves or the ones we love, their forces are so strong that they keep pulling us back in - dividing our hearts and minds.
May peace abound fully with you today. Namaste.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
what the hell happened?
Ok. So I was trekking along swimmingly on my 7 day challenge. And then. This is almost unbelievable but I partially dislocated my left shoulder. For real. Four days later, the same thing happened to my right shoulder. Truth!
How did this happen? (I know you are dying to know). Honestly I'm not quite sure. After my 400 cal workout on Tuesday I did a few wide stance push-ups. Later on that evening my arm started bothering me, almost as though it was hanging there somewhat dead (ever get a flu shot? cause it felt a lot like that).
Thankfully I have a friend who is a chiropractor (and a very good one). On Wednesday morning I went to his office and sure enough it was out of place and he 'popped' it back in. I returned to school and carried on as I always do. Later that same night I hosted a baby shower for a friend and proceeded to clean up the house. By 8pm I was in pain. By 9pm, shear agony. The pain was actually so bad throughout the night that I cried. No amount of advil would overcome. I spend the next two days on sick leave nursing myself back to health and going for daily adjustments.
Just when I was on the mend and getting the use of my left arm back... my right arm did exactly the same thing. Two more days of anguish and adjustments.
I would have loved to take another day off from school but that gets tricky. I hate being away from my class too long and it is a pain in the ass to plan for someone to do the job that I do without even thinking about it. So I went but I felt quite terrible, almost flu-ish. Yesterday and today were better but my arms feel heavy and moving them about is still somewhat laborious.
For the life of me I don't know what happened. The first arm I can possibly attribute to the push-ups. But the second? No way.
So for whatever reason - perhaps a wrinkle in the cosmic fabric of time - I spent the better part of last week not achieving my goals but rather trying to find comfortable positions to sit and sleep in without screaming out in pain!
Good news - I got back on the beast tonight and logged 330 cals. Life goes on.
How did this happen? (I know you are dying to know). Honestly I'm not quite sure. After my 400 cal workout on Tuesday I did a few wide stance push-ups. Later on that evening my arm started bothering me, almost as though it was hanging there somewhat dead (ever get a flu shot? cause it felt a lot like that).
Thankfully I have a friend who is a chiropractor (and a very good one). On Wednesday morning I went to his office and sure enough it was out of place and he 'popped' it back in. I returned to school and carried on as I always do. Later that same night I hosted a baby shower for a friend and proceeded to clean up the house. By 8pm I was in pain. By 9pm, shear agony. The pain was actually so bad throughout the night that I cried. No amount of advil would overcome. I spend the next two days on sick leave nursing myself back to health and going for daily adjustments.
Just when I was on the mend and getting the use of my left arm back... my right arm did exactly the same thing. Two more days of anguish and adjustments.
I would have loved to take another day off from school but that gets tricky. I hate being away from my class too long and it is a pain in the ass to plan for someone to do the job that I do without even thinking about it. So I went but I felt quite terrible, almost flu-ish. Yesterday and today were better but my arms feel heavy and moving them about is still somewhat laborious.
For the life of me I don't know what happened. The first arm I can possibly attribute to the push-ups. But the second? No way.
So for whatever reason - perhaps a wrinkle in the cosmic fabric of time - I spent the better part of last week not achieving my goals but rather trying to find comfortable positions to sit and sleep in without screaming out in pain!
Good news - I got back on the beast tonight and logged 330 cals. Life goes on.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
conquered - day 4 that is
So much better today. I drug my butt out of bed at the regular time - about 7:20 and sat in a semi-conscious state for half an hour nursing a coffee and chatting with husband. This is definitely the way I am meant to ease myself into the world each day. Screw running!
Tonight I opted to watch Oprah while getting in my 400 cals. It was an okay choice but I do prefer listening to music. I find there is a lot less clock watching and more actual enjoyment of the exercising this way - music makes it feel more like dancing and along with that comes a freedom of spirit that is quite nice indeed. Somehow it feels more like reaching for greater things rather than pushing myself to perform. I'd rather reach.
time on t-mill: 40:00
distance travelled: 2.955 miles or 4.728km
calories burned: 405.6
avg cal/min: 10.14
Tonight I opted to watch Oprah while getting in my 400 cals. It was an okay choice but I do prefer listening to music. I find there is a lot less clock watching and more actual enjoyment of the exercising this way - music makes it feel more like dancing and along with that comes a freedom of spirit that is quite nice indeed. Somehow it feels more like reaching for greater things rather than pushing myself to perform. I'd rather reach.
time on t-mill: 40:00
distance travelled: 2.955 miles or 4.728km
calories burned: 405.6
avg cal/min: 10.14
Monday, February 23, 2009
day 3
Today was terrible. Horrible. Awful. It completely sucked!
Something I know about myself and have known for a very long time is that I don't enjoy exercising in the morning. I never have and I'm pretty certain that is not going to change. So why then, I keep asking myself, did I consciously go against that which I already know? Apparently I'm an IDIOT!!!!!
Given that I'm back in the work week I thought I'd do myself a favor and split my 400 calories between morning and evening. All it did was cause me to NOT have time for my morning coffee and be late and irritable for the rest of the day. Seriously, it affected me for hours. I was tired all day, cranky and I just could not seem to suck it up and move on. I'm so NOT doing that tomorrow! Just thinking about it pisses me off. To think I stopped acting like a rational person over the 20 stupid minutes I spent on the treadmill. I sure hope at least some of this can be attributed to pms.
On top of this my left hip flexor is not very happy about the increased activity. I basically dragged my leg behind me wherever I went this afternoon. Tonight I took an Epsom salt soak as an appeasement to the hip flexor god - a lesser god that thinks its all about him at the moment.
None-the-less I did it. Day 3 is over and I pulled it out. It wasn't pretty by even the slightest stretch of the imagination. Whatever... I rock!
Time on t-mill: 40:27
Calories burned: 400.3
Distance traveled: 2.718 miles or 4.35 km
Avg cal/min: 9.88
Something I know about myself and have known for a very long time is that I don't enjoy exercising in the morning. I never have and I'm pretty certain that is not going to change. So why then, I keep asking myself, did I consciously go against that which I already know? Apparently I'm an IDIOT!!!!!
Given that I'm back in the work week I thought I'd do myself a favor and split my 400 calories between morning and evening. All it did was cause me to NOT have time for my morning coffee and be late and irritable for the rest of the day. Seriously, it affected me for hours. I was tired all day, cranky and I just could not seem to suck it up and move on. I'm so NOT doing that tomorrow! Just thinking about it pisses me off. To think I stopped acting like a rational person over the 20 stupid minutes I spent on the treadmill. I sure hope at least some of this can be attributed to pms.
On top of this my left hip flexor is not very happy about the increased activity. I basically dragged my leg behind me wherever I went this afternoon. Tonight I took an Epsom salt soak as an appeasement to the hip flexor god - a lesser god that thinks its all about him at the moment.
None-the-less I did it. Day 3 is over and I pulled it out. It wasn't pretty by even the slightest stretch of the imagination. Whatever... I rock!
Time on t-mill: 40:27
Calories burned: 400.3
Distance traveled: 2.718 miles or 4.35 km
Avg cal/min: 9.88
Sunday, February 22, 2009
challenge 1 - day 1 & 2
So I got a jump start on the treadmill challenge. I was in the mood yesterday and thought I should strike while the iron was hot (I wonder where that expression came from?).
Day 1 (Saturday)
Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.
Here is how it played out...
Time on t-mill: 40:16
Calories burned: 400.0
Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km
Avg cal/min: 9.93
Day 2 (Sunday)
Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.
Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.
Time on t-mill: 40:00
Calories burned: 414.3
Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km
Avg cal/min: 10.36
Day 1 (Saturday)
Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.
Here is how it played out...
Time on t-mill: 40:16
Calories burned: 400.0
Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km
Avg cal/min: 9.93
Day 2 (Sunday)
Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.
Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.
Time on t-mill: 40:00
Calories burned: 414.3
Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km
Avg cal/min: 10.36
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Challenge #1
So, after great deliberation we have made a decision! Our first challenge will combine calories burnt on the treadmill and water consumed during the day. Nothing too excited but tough enough, just the same.
Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.
So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.
The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.
Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.
Will keep you posted. :-)
Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.
So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.
The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.
Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.
Will keep you posted. :-)
Monday, February 16, 2009
7 days
We just got back from another marathon trip to the city. Eight hours there and eight hours back! Now most (sensible) people would consider this to be ludicrous. And admittedly there is a piece of me that does as well.
But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.
One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.
Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.
So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.
The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.
Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.
But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.
One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.
Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.
So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.
The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.
Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
In the Meantime...
January is a month filled with new beginning exultation! Quite fabulous really. A collective pause in our shared psyche as we consider the why, the how and the when of life improvement! One only has to turn on the tv for 5 minutes to see countless commercials all geared toward making our latest dreams come true! Gym memberships, Jenny Craig and innumerable infomercials that wrap up the will power required with a beautiful bow.
So what about you? Do you resolve?
I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!
Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!
Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.
Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.
Not me. This year I will try and...
exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!
I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.
I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.
We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.
Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.
I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela
So what about you? Do you resolve?
I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!
Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!
Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.
Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.
Not me. This year I will try and...
exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!
I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.
I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.
We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.
Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.
I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela
Friday, January 02, 2009
For my best friend
just a couple of more days off. then back to work and routine. i don't really like routines, although i seem to need them. otherwise i don't get a whole lot accomplished besides rambling around inside my own head thinking.
the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.
my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.
i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.
i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.
this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...
you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.
my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.
i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.
i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.
this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...
you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
Saturday, December 20, 2008
An Almost Unbearably True Christmas Tale
Yesterday was the final day before holiday break. I watched the clock with my breath held inside my chest the entire day. Anticipating the release that final bell would bring. The north has been unbearably frigid and for a week now the children have been cooped up inside, too cold to venture out for even 10 minutes at recess.
Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.
He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.
The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.
I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.
As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.
Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.
Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?
Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.
He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.
The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.
I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.
As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.
Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.
Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Servitude
A rare day off! In fact I'm officially 'sick daying' it. And my mind is free! Oh the directions my thoughts can take, they have been bound up and were starting to come undone.
Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.
Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.
I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.
Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.
Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.
I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.
Monday, December 08, 2008
That oh so familiar yearning is back.
Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?
I'm torn.
That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'
Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?
I'm torn.
That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'
Sunday, December 07, 2008
All day I've been wanting to sit and write yet keep finding other things to do instead. Now I'm out of words and a bit nervous they are not coming back.
I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.
Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.
I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.
Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.
Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart
Cut the chord
Are we human or are we dancers?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answers
Are we human or are we dancers?
Human, The Killers
Monday, December 01, 2008
giving cheer
Over the last few years I have struggled to find anything I really care for about Christmas. I've been an utter party pooper about any and all festivities. Last year I didn't even buy Jeremy a gift! Gee, that sounds really bad when I vocalize it on paper.
I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.
So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?
If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.
I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.
So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?
If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.
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