challenge 1 - day 1 & 2

So I got a jump start on the treadmill challenge. I was in the mood yesterday and thought I should strike while the iron was hot (I wonder where that expression came from?).

Day 1 (Saturday)

Putting in the 400 calories was easier than I expected. For the most part I jogged at about 5 miles/hour. Apparently yoga has done a good job of expanding my lungs as the burning I was anticipating never happened - a pleasant surprise indeed. I accompanied my time by listening to some vintage 90's Savage Garden - which I might add ended up being excellent aerobic workout music.

Here is how it played out...

Time on t-mill: 40:16

Calories burned: 400.0

Distance gone: 2.789 miles or 4.46 km

Avg cal/min: 9.93


Day 2 (Sunday)

Today's run was great! This whole thing has given me an excuse to go through old cds - dance hits of 2001 was the flavour of the day. Not quite as good as Savage Garden but kept me moving none-the-less. I have heard that running to music is better than watching t.v. and exercising - this is probably true, especially if you really like the music and can sing along. Many times I found myself moving in rhythm with an entangled stride. Generally speaking, I talk myself out of running in favor of walking instead. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was seeking to burn 400 calories in the least amount of time possible(!) but whatever it was I certainly enjoyed the run.

Once again I didn't not experience any uncomfortable lung burn or side stitches. I really thought both would happen. Tonight however, my inner thighs are feeling some lactic acid soreness - I'm wondering if it will prove problematic for tomorrow.

Time on t-mill: 40:00

Calories burned: 414.3

Distance traveled: 2.900 miles or 4.64 km

Avg cal/min: 10.36

Challenge #1

So, after great deliberation we have made a decision! Our first challenge will combine calories burnt on the treadmill and water consumed during the day. Nothing too excited but tough enough, just the same.

Prior to Christmas I was doing a great job hammering it out on the treadmill - burning loads of calories and fitting nicely into any pair of pants I took out of the closet. Sadly I've been on a bit of a downward spiral since then. Performance on the t-mill has been sporadic at best. As for those pants... further comment is just depressing. Jeremy on the other hand should come through this challenge with ease - he is up every morning at 6 working it out with a good sweat! I must say, I'm more than pleased about this as his genetic heredity is inferior to mine - he comes from a long line of heart-disease and stroke - I do not.

So this is how it will work. We are each committed to burning 400 calories daily - as indicated by the machine and drinking 8 glasses of water before 7pm in the evening. For me, 400 calories equals somewhere between 35 and 50 minutes depending on how ambitious I'm feeling.

The whole things sounds much less exciting than I am acutally feeling about it! Probably because I'm brimming over with ideas for the coming weeks but feel this first one needs to get me off my butt and back into (hopefully) a more committed workout routine.

Have you been giving any thought to the idea of a 7 day challenge? If so, I'd love to hear about it. Perhaps we could be mutually encouraging.

Will keep you posted. :-)

7 days

We just got back from another marathon trip to the city. Eight hours there and eight hours back! Now most (sensible) people would consider this to be ludicrous. And admittedly there is a piece of me that does as well.

But, the most interesting things always seem to come out of these long rides. For one thing, you have lots of time to talk with your significant other. And not superficially - to really talk, discuss those things that either have been bothering you or to delve into ideas that you would like to become a reality. Some times the things that surface are a surprise to us both - at times we've stumbled onto some creative and well worth exploring stuff.

One question I always seem to be looking for the answer to is - how do you keep life an engaging experience? What are the qualities that separate the do'ers from the sit-backer's? I've always had an appetite for learning new things and trying on something different.

Which one of us actually initiated the idea I can't quite remember but after several back-n-forths about what it might look like, this is what we came up with: 7 day challenges of things we might not otherwise do. Now if you read Steve Pavlina with any regularity you know he is an advocate of the 30-day money back guarantee (so to speak) and proposes trying things for 30 days and letting the habit become embedded. If after 30 days you don't want to maintain the habit/lifestyle then you can let it go. I happen to suffer from ADHD (seriously, I do), 30 days seems like an eternity to me. But a week is quick. A week I can do.

So what might these 7 day challenges look like? Well, almost anything. And they could be combined. For instance one of the first ones we came up with was to burn 400 calories each on the treadmill for 7 straight days. Then we added along with that drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Or what about trying to eat for 7 days on $50 worth of groceries or going vegetarian? Not turning the tv on for a week? Or having sex every day (Jeremy was immediately on board with this one). We also thought we might try not using our vehicles for 7 days which would mean walking/biking to work and the grocery store. Perhaps getting up every morning at 6 am and going for a walk.

The more we talked the more ideas we came up with. I'm personally pretty pumped about the prospects. I think it could lend an interesting focus to life and spur us on to set some entertaining and outlandish goals. I really like the idea of starting on Sunday and going through until Saturday. At that point we could decide on taking a week off or choosing a new challenge and getting right on it. Not every week has to be hard, but the point is to do something everyday that is outside of our normal everyday experience.

Our plan is to start next Sunday, February 22nd. I'll keep you updated on what we decide and hopefully post regularly on our progress.

In the Meantime...

January is a month filled with new beginning exultation! Quite fabulous really. A collective pause in our shared psyche as we consider the why, the how and the when of life improvement! One only has to turn on the tv for 5 minutes to see countless commercials all geared toward making our latest dreams come true! Gym memberships, Jenny Craig and innumerable infomercials that wrap up the will power required with a beautiful bow.

So what about you? Do you resolve?

I resolve a little. Nothing too big or too extravagant. Nothing with solid dates attached that would cinch my immenent failure!

Life is more or less a monotonous journey. Oh come on - admit it!!! You are as boring as I am! You go to work and you come home. In all of that, lies your life. On occassion you bookend it with a trip that renews your faith in why it is that you journey back and forth from home to work!

Honestly, that's okay with me. Sure, I'm not living up to my full potential 100% of the time - but if you've ever tried doing that... it gets exhausting fast. And guess what I have found... I can fullfill a good chunk of that potential in my boring daily life. I can love the simple and mundane with a few needed adventures thrown in here and there.

Too many people jack January up like it is a Red Bull highball. They blowout December just so they can new and improve it the following month with extra! extra! results.

Not me. This year I will try and...

exercise more. I absolutely don't care if I lose a pound. I enjoy food and I especially like the 14% sour cream. So don't even think that I'm going to trade it in for that runny 5% crap! Cause I'M NOT. And I'm going to continue to use real butter on my vegetables. Let's face it, they taste much better with it and salt!

I am going to slow down on the coffee. I LOVE coffee. Really good coffee. I own a $150 machine and grind my own beans. It is one area of life that I am a self proclaimed snob. And yet, I drink the swill brown liquid (no way am I going to actually call this stuff the c word) we have in our staff room. In fact I drink several cups of it a day. Go figure! So I'm still not going to give it up completely. But perhaps I will cut the consumption of aforementioned swill by half. In exchange I'll try and drink an extra cup of water.

I'm not a big spender. My idea of a shopping spree is when I go to the grocery store and get into the dried goods and get carried away. Like buying $30 tubes of face cleaner. I regret that one but no biggie really. I'm very close to being consumer debt free - yeah, I'll still have a mortgage and a car payment. But in two months I'll be credit card and personal loan FREE. So I'm going to commit to taking advantage of the new $5000 income tax free savings plan offered by our Federal goverment.

We've now been into our new house for just over 2 years. Together, Jeremy and I have decided that we will spend 60 minutes (timed on the stove) each week tackling those icky jobs that make you feel a bit squeemish and down-hearted just thinking about them. Last weekend we went through several boxes that hadn't been opened since the move and this weekend we went to town on the office. It is a good way to get things done - especially the jobs you don't really want to do! So more or less we have committed to detoxifying our house for as many weekends as it takes. It is quite surprising just how much you can accomplish in one hour when you work together and don't allow other things to take priority.

Lastly, I want to have more orgasms this year than last year! I'm 36. In my sexual prime. hehe. I don't want to be regretting when I am 70 that I didn't take advantage of opportunities afforded me. ;-) Afterall, its free entertainment.

I hope all of your dreams are in progress in 2009. xo Angela

For my best friend

just a couple of more days off. then back to work and routine. i don't really like routines, although i seem to need them. otherwise i don't get a whole lot accomplished besides rambling around inside my own head thinking.

the last few days i have been thinking on personal qualities. i am quite conscious when it comes to understanding my own temperament. well aware of both my deficits and sufficiencies. more or less i really like who i am. which in and of itself can be an insufferable quality for others to endure. i also have tendency to say what is on my mind, or express my own version of the truth. unfortunately that truth is often the 'of the moment' kind. depending on the reaction it is generally followed by more focused thought processes - after which i have been known to revise my original thesis (that I ardently declared). long story short - sometimes i am an ass. and i suffer inside of myself because of it. and sometimes those i love dearly also suffer.

my own heart is broken today. deeply wounded actually. and so is an other's. and although the hurt did not come directly from me, i'm certain my words were all wrong. sometimes i'm just too emphatic, too black and white when I speak (which is odd given that life is always a shade of grey around me), too much that is not easily taken back once spoken.

i believe it is a true measure of love when one feels this battered and bruised for another. so if you are reading know that i pain in the pit of my tummy - not out of pity but from the very emotion that springs forth from the human condition. that sometimes we all feel uncertain and we don't know how to find our feet and we don't know how to make another love us the way we most need to be loved at the moment we need it. i wish to bundle you up and shield you from all the prickles of life. i hate it when i inadvertently prickle.

i wish you to know all my deep desires for you. to know the truest of love expressed without any selfish gain. to have another lay bare before you with nakedness that renders both the giver and receiver without armour. to have the hope and security of a future enabling all of your gifts and strengths, which are boundless. of which you are fully deserving, of which you deserve no less.

this is what you are to me. smart, funny, beautiful, sensible, unique, expressive, thoughtful, intelligent, wise, refreshing, capable, enduring, endearing, compassionate, giving, larger than life, soulful, passionate, remarkable, amazing mother, patient, articulate, kind, purposeful, extraordinary, fascinating, interesting, enchanting, magnetic, mystical, feeling, entangled ...

you are all of these and more. Cherish who you are and what you are deserving of in life, you are like no other, handle this with fragility because where most are cut from the same cotton you my dear are the silk of royalty - one must guard carefully such a thing. Guard your heart yet be generous. I love you beyond...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

An Almost Unbearably True Christmas Tale

Yesterday was the final day before holiday break. I watched the clock with my breath held inside my chest the entire day. Anticipating the release that final bell would bring. The north has been unbearably frigid and for a week now the children have been cooped up inside, too cold to venture out for even 10 minutes at recess.

Time, as it is know to do, did indeed pass. At 3:30 you could see the ripples in the air as adults throughout the building released a collective sigh. While waiting for excited children to make their way onto buses and into cars that would carry them to wonderlands of Christmas adventure, I had some harsh words for a boy from a neighboring school who was banging on the door window of the bootroom, demanding someone let him in.

He was there to pick up his sisters (one of whom is in my class) and then escort them along the bitter 2 km walk home. I told him for his poor behavior he would have to wait for the girls in the alcove (outside) and that he should be treating school property with a bit more reverence.

The tears were immediate. "I've had a bad day" and then the words that broke me, dropping from his lips like frozen cubes into a stainless steel sink. "I'm so cold." And I knew immediately it was true. With quick inspection his jacket had been passed down too many times. Long beyond being the right size a year ago, sporting a broken zipper on a front with no closure. Worn in spots to rayon only.

I called to the girls who were now waiting, to wait a little longer. The boy shivered inconsolably and uncontrollably as we walked down the hall. We have a room with the antidote to the secret pain and shame that too many children experience. I crossed my fingers, silently conjuring up a remedy in the right size.

As I opened the crate I could feel my heart beat in my throat. And there it was. It didn't look as though it had ever been worn. It was better than the right size, as it still had room for the winter growth spurt that boys are known to take. "How does it feel William?" I whispered in his ear. The warmth filled us both, clinging to spaces between.

Somewhere in the span of five minutes I exchanges his tears for mine. And stoked dying embers of miracle apathy with pieces of tinder dry wood. All is not well with the world. Sometimes it is horridly out of balance. But the smallest acts can fill up rooms and people and schools and communities. And that is how the world is renewed. And the heart is awakened.

Is the magic of Christmas the warmth we are able to provide another?

Servitude

A rare day off! In fact I'm officially 'sick daying' it. And my mind is free! Oh the directions my thoughts can take, they have been bound up and were starting to come undone.

Is it possible that thinking can be one's hobby? If so, it is mine. While some run away from theirs, I relish them. I want them to grow deep roots and encourage self-expression in my life. To me there is no greater freedom that to think. No one can control another's thoughts. Money can not buy them, increase them or bring them to a hault. It is a realm in which the individual has all the control.

Lately my thoughts have been concentrated on work. And that is okay. I really do love what I am doing and am finding more satisfaction than in anything else I've ever been paid to do. But my mind needs to go beyond grade 3 reflection journals and how to teach multiplication. Yet those things become so time consuming there are few minutes left over to let loose inside my own head before having to go to bed and do it all over again only hours later.

I used to always want to write my thoughts down or tell someone about them. I guess part of me is past that now. It doesn't help that so few people's brain work like mine - so expressing can become a lonely lecture. I'm more content to just let them have wings -bumping into each other in the confined space of myself.

That oh so familiar yearning is back.

Do you believe that there really are no mistakes? Or do people prone to mistake making just philosophize about shit like that to somehow bring themselves comfort and gloss over all of their fuck ups?

I'm torn.

That reminds me. Did you know the shortest verse in the bible is 'Jesus wept.'

All day I've been wanting to sit and write yet keep finding other things to do instead. Now I'm out of words and a bit nervous they are not coming back.

I've been thinking how very much I've been someone else over the past few months. Not that it is a bad thing. Perhaps as someone else I've been much more stable and happier than who I tend to be. The things that get to me are the strangest and tiniest irritants that most other people have the good sense to overlook. Not me.

Today I want an escape plan. The real Angela is once again returning - she is always looking for the way out. Claustrophobia grows in the corners.

Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door

Close your eyes

Clear your heart

Cut the chord

Are we human or are we dancers?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answers

Are we human or are we dancers?

Human, The Killers

giving cheer

Over the last few years I have struggled to find anything I really care for about Christmas. I've been an utter party pooper about any and all festivities. Last year I didn't even buy Jeremy a gift! Gee, that sounds really bad when I vocalize it on paper.

I used to love the season. And this year I am determined to love it once again. Over the weekend I even made a special trip to the city and bought something for the man that I know he is going to love - in fact, I imagine him dragging his boys down into the workshop to admire it! What might the piece de resistance be you ask... an aluminum 6 foot magnetized level. Yeah, it makes me giggle too, but I know he will believe himself truly loved when he opens it.

So to bring myself back around to embracing this season of leaving darkness and opening to the light (solstice) I have decided to celebrate primarily with gifts from World Vision (husband the exception). Cause honestly, it is all the excess that we live with that puts me a bit on the sick to stomach side of life. I recently read about girls in Afghanistan as young as 7 who are being sold into marriage (often to men in their 50's) so that their families can pay off debt and be able to feed their other children! My god, if such knowledge does not stop one dead in their tracks and give pause to be thankful, what would it take?

If you are like me, tired of the gifting and regifting of the crap we receive and don't give a shit about - think about making charitable donations in someone else's name. Someone in the world who really understands the difference between wants and needs will thank you from the depths of their heart.

Standing There Pretending

Do you ever feel like you spend your life pretending? That the real you, stands shrouded in the shadows, while the public persona of yourself runs your life, busying itself with the affairs of the world and playing by standardized rules?

I've always desired, above all else, to pull myself out of the shadows and and to stop standing in any given place, pretending to be what I am not.

Perhaps, the most difficult of things to do, is to stop standing there pretending and be who you authentically are.

But do you know who you authentically are?

Until you do, you are destined to pretend. Our world systems are not interested in authenticity. In fact, they abhor it and reward the opposite - look at Wall, even now after days of devastating market blowouts and loss of faith by people around the globe, continues to reward the greed and actions of those in direct violation of an authentic self. I'm certain there are many ceo's sleeping soundly at night in opulent surroundings whose conscience has lost all ability to discern right from wrong. They know only money, not themselves.

Authenticity takes time. To know thyself is not on the short-order cook's menu.

If you seek it, it will come. But the price is high. Pretending is much easier. Pretending is best done by copying the actions of others without thoughtful reflection of them. Authenticity is your own drum, even for those of us who are beat challenged and tone-deaf.

Think about the many ways and situations in which you are able to encourage your authentic self. Nurture these and give them room to grow. You may find the the pretending begins to diminish and lose its shine.

Namaste.

Is the Best yet to be?

Like many, I wonder about my life and how it is unfolding. Am I making the right choices right now? How will it all turn out? Is there hope that in the future I will be able to slow down and spend a bit of extra time smelling the wildflowers as I drive along unchartered roads (not highways)? Should I be buying real estate today that in 25 years time I could not possibly afford? Will I be alone? With the same person? Or with someone new? Will I be able to afford the kind of life I want to live?

My apologies if I have already exhausted you before you've even gotten to the 2nd paragraph. But I'm quite certain that I am not the only one whose mind gets way-layed by such overwhelming thoughts. My past mistakes don't ever concern me much. And, I embrace the present. In my line of work one cannot help but take hold of what is right in front of them as it is so demanding of attention that it is impossible to turn away from it.

But on a down day, like today... a much needed down day in which I have forced myself to rock the fashionable yoga pant and hooded sweat and pile my hair haplessly atop my head... it is today when I have a chance to think and even be a little bored that I wonder about all of the above.

There are times when we need to take ourselves seriously. Even if it is just for a day. And give due consideration to those worries in life. Does it change their outcomes? Maybe. Does it give me pause? Definitely. If I don't take the wheel, then who?

I know all of this comes from fear. But fear can be a motivating force. As much as we want to be fearless - whom among us really is? And should we aspire to it? Does compromising on certain aspects of our lives detract from other parts? Or, does the compromise actually enhance other areas? It is a tough question to answer with certainty. I know many people who have followed desire down a dead end road, causing much carnage along the way.

Welcome friends, to my bipolar musings. ;-)

What makes you happy? I'm finding out that YES! It is possible!

Once again, I am working an insane amount. And yet, I'm finding my creativity through work, this incredible freedom to uniquely express myself and have others praise me for it! It is a strange dynamic at play, which in turn is making work more like play.

Yes, it is still work. But rather than getting bogged down by the hours and commitment required, I find my self caught in the most rewarding groove. The more I give to it, the more fun it becomes. The more I notice a circle of influence taking shape around me.

Is the secret to life self-expression? It it the key everyone is searching for and so few are able to turn?

Namaste.

somehow we always come back to our true-er selves. yes, life catches us up in things and we get occupied with activities and learning and responding to the daily grind... but at some point we get pulled back, as though by a magnet, to align ourselves.

I think this pull back is almost cosmic in its nature. reminding me of who I have always been and who i will forever be. i'm thankful for this. because i really like who this person is.

sometimes life is hard, for all of us. even the priviledged. but thankfully the sometimes pass quickly and we find our feet again. sometimes we find them through our tears.

that is me today. frustration to tears. somehow they disolve it like sugar and salt. melting down my fears and turmoil to somthing a little less rough around the edges. that soak my shirt one drop at a time, puff up my eyes and turn the face red. not pretty, but beautiful just the same.

even though i hate how i have to get here, i do love the here. it is so raw and exposed and even as it hurts, it heals. so the journey, in the end, is worthy of the terrain.

very soon i am on my way out the door for diner with friends. it is friday night. i am blessed beyond reason. i shall take such humility with me as i eat and drink and be merry.

namaste.

Joy Void

Fuck. That is how I wish to begin this post. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it all to hell. God-damn it. So much in life is just masturbation.

And, in my line of work, saying crap is considered a bad word. Now I am going to take a deep breath and come to the swift realization that one bad day does not a bad life make. Would you believe I'm feeling better already.

It was just one of those weeks. I was off. And so it seemed everybody else was too. I'm not sure if that is just my skewed interpretation or if it really is true. That big full moon influences us all. Too bad it makes us all crazy!

Is endurance your measure of success?

And if it is, is there something fundamentally wrong with using this stick?

Food for thought.

To endure or not endure? Which leads to greater growth?

Something random about past lives...

It is good to be home after 6 weeks away of summer fun, wedding bliss and a bit of travel. (I went to Atlantic City and New York City for some urban recreation!) Every year I go home. For a long time it has been like an addictive solace for me, and nothing else would do. This year felt different, different good. Home isn't quite what it used to be. Actually, it is exactly the same as it has always been, but I'm not.

In many regards, the people I love the most are stuck. Some of them know this, some of them don't, some of them think it is their penance to live this way. I found the whole thing difficult to watch and even more so not to try and offer a door. As much as my humanness would allow, I refrained.

For whatever reason, I have been blessed to see beyond the physical forms that we inhabit. No, I'm not clairvoyant! But I can pick up on all of the bullshit we muddle in and see it for what it is - thinly veiled fears that keep us down and stop us from taking chances and embracing the possibilities in life. I see all of our compromises and know that they are just that - compromises. It is impossible to live without making them, as we are each entitled to only one reality/dimension at a time.

So often I could feel the despair of lives compromised by a path of least resistance. Such leads to bitterness, complaining and a 'whoa is me' take on what could otherwise be a beautiful life! It seems to create much unnecessary struggle, filling lives with aggression, envy and the attitude that a good life is for the few - the rich, the powerful, the blessed and the beautiful.

Being in a mindset such as this steals away one's chances for a new reality. One in which life can be blessed and where our compromises and difficulties are opportunities to rise above, to win at life when the illusion tells us the chips are down.

Life is a succession of experiences. Sometimes we have these on our own and at other times we have them in tandem. Not one of us lives in a bubble and we all impact each other, even through our solitary confinements (just as this quiet moment of mine may in some way affect you). In fact, most of our solitary moments are spent thinking about other people and the influence they are having in our own lives - whether for the positive or negative.

There are several directions I could further take this line of thought, but the one I am most interested in right now is how it all connects to past, current and future lives. I've never done any past life regression. I'm both terrified and skeptical. Yet I believe without hesitation that this is not my first life!

Where I want take this idea to is 1) why I chose my parents and 2) past life physical connections with people I have touched in this life.

Recently I read that as spirits we choose our parents. (I would cite a reference but can't recall where I read it, probably somewhere on the Internet.) I can see why I would have chosen mine. Both are very thoughtful and highly spiritual. Although they are Christian in belief, their musings are not that of typical born-again believers. They engage in thought provoking discussions and my dad thrives on biblical nuances. They are as philosophical in their understandings as one could be and still remain fundamentalists. Above all else they are spiritual seekers with strong boundaries for their search. I have become a seeker without boundaries.

If I did choose them, it is without a doubt for the foundation I knew I would gain from them. A freedom of sorts to explore a world unseen. One bound by light and grace and to be cautious of its counter culture possessed by darkness. I'm just not sure any other two people could have given me the same preparation for adulthood.

This summer also had me thinking about people who have made strong impacts on me. I think we have all had the sensation of knowing certain people well without barely having met. We are not together long in life and yet our markings on each other seem to be branded on the heart. The counter to this is people we innately avoid, as though there is a lingering history of ill will even though we can't think of a specific time when that person harmed us, we live with cautiousness around them. My question is: Is this a result of past life encounters?

There have been several men in my past (this life) that I have had strong attractions to. One has been with a man named Nelson, a long time friend of my father's whom I have known since I was about 15. Although he is many years my senior, we have always had an intense connection. Once, when I was 19 and already engaged to my husband, I fell on some rocks at the river and cut my knee open to the bone. I was terribly embarrassed that he had seen me fall but thankfully he is a paramedic and helped to bandage me up. As he was touching my knee, I was concerned I might orgasm right there on the bench! Although he was completely appropriate I felt as though this was not the first time he had touched me and I am certain he felt the same way.

A few years ago at a community summer dance, we waltzed together. He is a tall strong man with some serious physical presence. I found it challenging to keep up a witty banter without it turning too serious or sexual, both seemed to be close to the surface. The humorous part of it all is that I tend toward the prudish not the sluttish! I can't quite recall what I said that got me this response but while dancing he informed me that he may be older than me but would give making love to me 110%. Gulp. Another near hit on orgasmic bliss. Every summer we manage to seek each other out and embrace. I can't help but wonder what 110 feels like!

The truth is that there are about a handful of men (not many) for which I have had similar and unacted upon feelings. I'm sure it is universal to all people, we each have a Nelson. Are they lovers from past lives? Does this explain such brazen familiarity with people we barely know? And yet I do know. A connection so intense that it makes every hair on my body come alive.

Alas, I did not see my once true love. I was sad but have now decided that the timing must not be right. I struggled with the idea of calling him up and saying I was sorry I missed him at the funeral, but the act had a smell of desperation I wasn't quite prepared to embrace. That plus the fact that he has kids and a wife and I have a dog and a husband and neither of us need rumors circling the Bloomfield hills.

Sometimes I wish life were simpler when it comes to our desires. That we could act upon them without causing hurt. To ourselves or to others. Above all else, I want to remain an honourable person at heart. Chasing after long lost loves doesn't seem to fall logically in the category.

Summer is ticking along quickly. I have only a few days left in the Maritimes before returning home to Alberta. A few days ago my last surviving great aunt died (at the ripe ole' age of 94) and I will be attending her wake today. The prospect is not at all depressing, in fact I am looking forward to seeing many cousins and family friends from the area.

I am excited to see one person in particular and crossing my fingers he is there. Last time was 18 years ago, half a lifetime for me. He was the first boy I ever fell in love with. If one even knows what love is when you are 15! Regardless, we met because I was trying to do a blind fix-up for a girlfriend who was smitten with the boy in question. I was brazen in those days and without a shy bone in my body, I offered my services to call him and make the connection. At first I felt a bit awkward, calling up someone I'd only ever gotten a glance at and certain that he had no idea who I was. To my surprise, he did know of me and had made enquiries. That I should just out of the blue call him, seemed too good to be true.

For weeks we conversed on the phone. Late at night before the invention of the portable I would snake metres of cord, carrying the rotary dial into the living room and closing the door. More than once we talked all night in quiet hushed tones. We were becoming fast friends, I was far too innocent to be anything other. One day, as I heard my dad stirring to get ready for work in the early morning hours, I quickly said my goodbye and feigned sleepfulness on the sofa, smiling that we had talked for the entire night. All the time my heart beating rapidly, terrified I might hyperventilate.

Later we finally met at a graduation dance. It was by invitation only and I accepted another's offer just to make it in the door! I caught his eye many times that night but he was forever surrounded by his friends and I by mine. No one, not even my bff at the time knew of our secret burgeoning romance. As bold as I may have been to call him, I was equally as shy to approach him.

Finally the last two waltzes of the night arrived. I felt desperate and brokenhearted that we had not so much as even talked. We began with different partners. And somehow as the first came to an end we found ourselves side by side with another on each of our arms. As the music changed so did we. We just went to each other and embraced. For the life of me I cannot recall who either he or I was with. But I do remember how he smelled, his dark wavy hair, those hazel brown eyes, a faded yellow shirt and equally faded Levi's. It was heaven to me. At at the end of the waltz we kissed. Not my first but until the day I die it will go down as one of my best.

Our romance ensued for a few years on and off. When I last saw him, he told that had been one of the most memorable nights of his life. Me too.

I'll let you know if I see him at the wake. ;-)