In Memory 1997 - 2011

This is the me and the Princess Ryber Sophie.  She was a good dog and we got to love her for more than 13 years.   Yesterday we laid her to rest deep in the forest, in a special box we made just for her.  The house is quieter than it should be.  And my heart is broken.

Teaching

In my whole life I have never done anything as special as being a teacher.  It is hard work, often messy and always never ending.  But there is just something so heart-rendering about these connections I get to forge with kids.  They make me laugh joyously and at times, cry without restraint.

Today I had to send a bunch of students to the inside room for not completing their homework.  Two of them came back afterwards and gave me very sincere apologies for not doing what they should have done.  And I realized that those words came out of a combination of relationship and respect.  When school works, its foundation is relationship and respect.  It works because these two things do not flow out of a system dictated from the top down but rather something very special that grows from the bottom up.  We teachers live for moments such as these as they validate all the other moments of the hard, the messy and the never ending.

Sometimes you figure out before it is too late that the someone you thought you wanted, you don't.  And after that you must go on rejoicing!  Because the universe has given you new eyes through which to see the world.

Think

"It's what you attach yourself to that pulls your cart." George Breed

Equal and Opposite Force

Today I had a small epiphany while teaching science (bridge structure).

Life can basically be summed up as the balancing of opposing forces such as tension and compression.  Each is the corrolary to the other.  It is a very dynamic aspect of life that holds everything in its perfect place.  And keeps us from becoming complacent.

The World Through New Eyes

Can you love without possession?

Over coffee this morning I was recapping to Jeremy on the book "The Alchemist".  I've read this book many times. On the surface it is about a boy on a journey to find his destiny (a treasure at the base of the pyramids in Egypt).  During his travels across the desert the caravan he is with stops at an oasis.  Here he meets a girl and falls in love with her and considers giving up his pursuit of destiny to be with her.

"I came to tell you just one thing" the boy said.  "I want you to be my wife.  I love you." .... "I'm a desert woman and I'm proud of that.  I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes.  And, if I have to I will accept the fact that he has become a part of the clouds, and the animals and the water of the desert."

As much as their love was mutual, she did not wish for him to give up on the pursuit of his destiny.  In fact, it was the ardent pursuit of his dreams that had drawn her to him.  Soon after this he leaves the oasis and continues to travel to the pyramids, the Alchemist accompanying him as a teacher and guide.  They encounter many dangers along the way, to which the boy comments on how his beginner's luck seems to have run out.  To which the Alchemist says:

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we move toward that dream.  That's the point at which most people give up."

This book has many lessons, most metaphorical, that can be applied to every readers life, regardless of where you see yourself along the journey.  What has resonated with me this time through is the idea of love without boundaries.  Can I love and be loved so unselfishly as to not hinder you from the pursuit of your journey?  Can I love and be loved so fearlessly, that no matter how dangerous or far reaching our journeys are calling, I can go and let you go, for both of our great good?  Can I love you just because I love you?  And know that our bond is not a boundary but rather the very thing that makes us a part of the others dream, our connection to the very Soul of the World, where everything is written by the same hand.

Freelancing

There are lots of people out there doing great things.  Things that can make the rest of us a little jealous  ~ either at their creativity of ideas or their ballsyness to actually pursue their ideas and aspirations.  And certainly at the success and smile they can't keep off their face.

Look to them for inspiration.  But write your own story.

Innate Knowledge

"Your inner guidance knows exactly what your heart’s desire is. When you open your mouth and remove the brakes—and get the judge out of your head for a minute—your inner guidance will come up with the right answers."   Christiane Northrup, M.D.

Conjunctions

Everywhere I turn, people are setting goals and extolling their resolutions.  Astrologically, today (Jan 3) due to Jupiter and Uranus being in a triple conjunction (true I don't really know what any of that means), it is apparently the best day of the year to set out the goals you desire to accomplish in 2011.

I don't really have goals for this year yet.  Ideas, yes.  Goals in and of themselves, No.

This past week I've had several premonitions and just before drifting off to sleep Thursday past, I was given some words that came to me so strongly I had to get out of bed and write them down.  Maybe these are just fanciful things, my active imagination ~ oh I do hope so!  As one of many things I wish to cultivate is my fanciful imagination.  And I suppose when it gets down to brass tacks, I want to explore this through writing and creativity of some sort or another.

As I move into this year, my eyes and my heart are open.   I'm determined to not be afraid but to pursue the very things that make me question whether or not I can!  Because I know I can, even if it feels uncomfortable for the first bit.  Last August when I went to see an Intuitive, she told me a part of me was hiding in the shadows and that it is time to free her.  I've been thinking about this blonde haired, blue eyed girl that stares at the floor, her hands tangled in a shimmery satin ivory dress.  One of my quests is to help her come join the party that's happening just around the corner.  It constricts my chest a little bit, makes me feel like I'm talking myself down off a ledge where she is concerned. Perhaps what we all fear most is the challenge to make the most of ourselves.  What else is there in this life?

I am confident that my life's experience is unfolding as it is intended for me.  I was born under a special cosmic sky and there are bridges to be crossed and crosses to bear.  There is also beauty and joy to enter into, to be soaked up like sun and rain in equal measures.  I want to receive all it has to offer with graciousness and gratitude.

Twenty-Eleven

My Life Path number in Numerology is 11.  So given that today is 1/1/11, I'm already feeling like I'm ahead of the game.  :D  My expectations are high and I'm not going to waiver from these convictions!

I have no resolutions to offer you today.  The only thing you will find here is my joy, optimism and determination to love my life through its myriad of peaks and valleys.

Happy New Year my friends.  Thank you for the many times you have stopped this way along your travels.  Continued blessings on your journey through 2011.

Passengers and Drivers

"On the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers."  

I'm sure that was a car commercial once upon a time.  But it's true.  There are those that actively seek, crave even, the open road.  Always searching for the next best thing.   Then, there are those who don't mind being chauffeured around, are okay with others being at the helm, directing the ship.

Each seat comes with its own challenges and rewards.  Driving all the time is tiring.  Sometimes we drive too fast, exceeding the limit ~ for which we pay the price.  We get ahead of ourselves thinking we know exactly where we are going when in fact we do not.  So we take wrong exits and waste time trying to u-turn on side streets hoping they will get us back on the highway and en route to our desired location.  There are a lot of distractions in this seat.  We fiddle with the radio, watch for other drivers, listen for our cell phone to ring.  But ultimately our reward is that we are in control of our destination!

The passengers seat gives us time.  We can be thorough with the map, anticipate what may lie ahead. Direct the driver.  When a song comes on we don't like, there is the luxury of fiddling with the frequency without the worry of putting the car in the ditch.  We can talk and text to our heart's content.  If we get bored we can read a book or recline the seat and take a nap.  But, our ultimate punishment here is that we are not in control of our destination!

For a long time in my life I had an unexplored need to be in the driver's seat.  Had you asked me 10 years ago, I doubt I could have sincerely come up with a single positive about being a passenger!   But that is the advantage of age.  It mellows you.  For me, I want less to see the world through speed and the illusion of control and more through a long walk that ends with a really good fair trade coffee with a friend.

So think about this analogy as the new year approaches... are you a driver or a passenger?  Can you appreciate both?  Can you recognize the times you feel pigeoned into a particular role?  How do you handle that?  Does your heart beat with glee or does your chest constrict in anxiety?

There is no inherent evil in either role.  Balance dictates that we see the good in both.  Is your family dynamic such that you always drive while your significant other watches the sights go by?   Would it feel uncomfortable if your spouse took the helm while you read the map for a bit?  If so, this may be exactly what you need! 

How many ways outside of your car are these roles in play?  Are you making all the decisions?  Can you trust someone else enough to give up control?  Do you have the courage to step up or down while another takes your place?

Remember, we are all on the road of life together.  So drive with that in mind.   And watch for the signs that are not posted but appear larger than you would have first believed just looking through the read-view mirror.

Life is Good

When I started this school year it felt like it was going to crawl by at a snail's pace.  Somewhere about mid October the pace quickened and it hasn't let up since!  This past week was so busy that I have almost no recollection of it happening!  Now it's Saturday and I'm on my first official day of break!  Wow!

I generally find September to December the longest part of the school year.  We have several breaks that help to punctuate the time from January until June, plus the added benefit of lengthening days and the promise of summer.  This is the first year I can recall not feeling beat up by December!  Despite the darkness (sunrise yesterday was at 9:35 and sunset was at 3:55) I've remained incredibly upbeat and full of energy.  I've barely noticed the shortened days.  This year is in such contrast to last year but I guess that is the ying and yang of life.

Hard to believe that in six months I will be at the end of teaching for a bit and at the beginning of something new again.  I'm not sure if it is good or bad that I've not had much time to think about it.  Probably good!  All I know is that life is worth the journey no matter the form it takes.

Everyone will go on celebrating the old 

birthday, counting the years as usual

but I will count myself new from this

inception, this imprint of my own desire.

The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,

fingers shifting through fine sands,

arms loose at my sides, wandering feet.

from the poem Crossroads by Joyce Sutphen

Crossroads

The second half of my life will be black
to the white rind of the old and fading moon. 

The second half of my life will be water
over the cracked floor of these desert years.

I will land on my feet this time,
knowing at least two languages and who
my friends are.

I will dress for the occasion, and 

my hair shall be whatever color I please.

Everyone will go on celebrating the old
birthday, counting the years as usual,
but I will count myself new from this
inception, this imprint of my own desire.

The second half of my life will be swift,
past leaning fenceposts, a gravel shoulder,
asphalt tickets, the beckon of open road. 

The second half of my life will be wide-eyed,
fingers shifting through fine sands,
arms loose at my sides, wandering feet. 

There will be new dreams every night,
and the drapes will never be closed.
I will toss my string of keys into a deep
well and old letters into the grate.

The second half of my life will be ice
breaking up on the river, rain
soaking the fields, a hand
held out, a fire,
and smoke going
upward, always up.

Joyce Sutphen

I have the best friends!  Thanks to my girl T over at www.windlost.blogspot.com. Love you.

Gregg Braden on Consciousness

Heart Chakra

diagram from www.americanspiritualhealing.com

I've been thinking about my heart chakra this week.  Probably because I've been in a state of bliss.  My heart has been enjoying that hum of satisfaction that contentment brings.  Almost feels like it's beating just a little outside of my chest and has this magical ability to bring the world around me into harmony.

This is such a lovely place to be.  When I'm here, there is a security that everything will take care of itself!  There is no worry or anxiety ~ just presence.  When I'm in, it feels like nothing can upset the equilibrium.  When I'm out, I can feel myself resisting, wondering how it is you get back in.  As though I must go through an invisible veil.  Truth is you get here through a quantum leap, you don't actually travel through space but suddenly find yourself in a new spiritual location.

The heart chakra is the mid-point.  Our spiritual fulcrum.  The chakras below represent survival. The chakras above embody our spiritual quests.  It is the heart chakra that creates balance between our physical self (need for survival) and our gateway to living higher universal truths.

The forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was reported to have the inscription Know Thyself carved into the stone.   All understanding must begin with the heart.  If the heart is not in harmony with all other aspects of life, there can be no fluidity, no forgiveness, no daring adventures to set sail upon.  It is the brain that acquiesces to the heart, not the other way around.  When the heart is congruently aligned with love, the brain will interpret the world from a vantage of courage and be undaunted by the ebbs and flow of life.  It is in this space that one can begin to know thyself.

The Power is in the Mind

Your Avatar and Spiritual Self

So my question today is... Who is controlling you?

We all go about our lives doing more or less the same kind of activities ~ we all have bodily functions that require attending (eat, sleep), we all need to work (create a means to provide for ourselves), we are all looking for love and friendship.  And within each of these bounds range the extremes ~ those who have everything and those who have nothing.

Lack in any of these areas is a form of dis-ease.  When our bodies don't perform properly we have compromised health.  When our work is disrupted or cut off, our families fall into poverty and disharmony.  Without love and friendship, life loses its meaning and we become depressed.  It is easy to feel like we must protect and cling on to any provisions we've been able to secure.  Our mentality starts to whisper over and over that once we attain it, then we fear we will lose it.

Far too many people are living from this place of fear.  Why?  Because they see themselves as the only one in control.  They take on personal responsibility for securing all areas of their well-being.  They keep too many balls in the air, and suffocate themselves under the weight of their own self-imposed responsibility.

So how do you free yourself and live fear-less-ly?

First of all, recognize that everything in your life flows from your spiritual self.  Even if you don't define yourself as a spiritual person, your ability to give and receive and interact with others in the world comes from a spiritual/universal place.  How these qualities manifest in your physical life determines how your life unfolds.

Think of your physical self as your avatar.  Now realize that it is yours spiritual self that drives this avatar.  Your physical self is merely performing the duties of your own mind, which if you dig a little deeper you'll soon realize is a local connection to the cosmos that births us all.  We have this false sense of independence.

Once we acknowledge that we are a local incarnation of the universal mind, we can accept the presence and peace of being cared for.  This should give us courage.  This should strengthen our spiritual self.  This should open us up to knowing that everything we need is already before us.  We may have to fine tune our receptive frequency to attain it, but it is there.

So, to the question... Who is controlling you?  Only you can answer that.  But remember, your physical self is motivated from your spiritual self.  Once you start getting a handle on that, all things become possible.

Why I Remember

Years ago I attended a Remembrance Day ceremony with my grandfather.  He, like the other Veterans, was dressed most distinguishable.  I had never seen him in uniform before.


I remember being startled by how quickly he seemed to be transformed.  The man who had so often picked me up from school and took pleasure in teaching me to play cards every time my mother got out of ear shot, had somehow slid into the shadows.  Overtaken by a life that taken place decades ago.


I couldn't take my eyes off of him throughout the ceremony.  He stood tall and regal.  Calm and still, but only on the outside.  I swear I could taste the sadness on that November day, which couldn't decide if it wanted to rain or just saturate the air with heaviness.


An inkling of just how terrible those war years must have been, caught me up like a blanket you get tangled in and struggle to get out of.  My heart knew that unspeakable things must have been witnessed.  I could never quite take the man out of the uniform from that day on.


So on November 11, I remember.

New

Come on over to SHE SAID.  Read War God.

See Beyond

Sometimes life is about hurting other people.  Not that we do this with malice.  In fact, we often defer our own happiness because we want so badly to keep the waters calm.  When below the exterior, we are wrought with undercurrents and distress from putting others in front of ourselves.

Lately I've been meeting myself in mirrors and dreams.   And we keep circling around how the future is going to look and feel.  How it has already changed and begun.  How the course is set.  I'm not fearful of it.  In fact, I welcome it.  I smile and breath it in, knowing that it's all going to be fine.  Better.  Even if it takes me a bit of time to find my sea legs once I leave the shore.

There will be collateral damage.  People that will endure a certain amount of bruising and battering.   Whose beliefs will be tested, challenged.  And part of me finds that a daunting burden, the responsibility of it.  Part of me doesn't want to upset the apple cart.  Would rather pretend that these philosophies can be lived with, endured, perpetuated.

But the me that is being called forward, the me that is not afraid and seeks the truth... Knows that our thorns also bear us the most beautiful of flowers.  And that life without provocation stagnates and diminishes.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”  Ben Okri