calm

"Saw the world turning in my sheets

and once again, I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street;

look at the stars beneath my feet.

***

And so I sent some men to fight,

and one came back at dead of night.

Said he'd seen my enemy.

Said he looked just like me."

James Blunt

*

*

*

"Let go of that which does not serve you."

****

******

"Open yourself to something greater."

******

****

www.yogatoday.com

Fire in the Belly

"Carpenters bend wood. Fletchers bend arrows.

Wise men fashion themselves."
-Buddha

It feels good to have some time, once again! For many days in a row now, I have had a regular yoga practice. Every day I have challenged myself with duration and intensity. At first it seemed all I could do was rediscover how to breath, trying my best not to be distracted by all the minutia both inside and out.

*

Today was the most satisfying yet. My arms feel fatigued and a little sore from multiple rounds of spider to sphinx to down dog. Balance has improved. My mind has at least slowed its monkey antics. My hips have loosened, my spine seems a little straighter and taller.

*

As I sit here, initially just surfing sites, looking for some inspiration from other bloggers, I realized that I am feeling something inside myself. Heat and energy. And it hit me, this is fire in my belly!

*

So this is what it feels like. A calm with confidence. It is not happening in my head. It has seated itself just below my ribs and has warmed my fingers and toes. It did not come without a cost. It required that I move and breath and infuse myself with just a little bit of divinity. Such an insignificant price and yet weeks go by and I am unwilling to pay. And as such, I lose touch.

*

I have no idea how to actually live with fire in my belly. Sure, it feels good, and all those small things have for the time fallen by the wayside. But...

Twinkle

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light,

From now on

our troubles will be out of sight

So have yourself a merry little Christmas night.

Every year I promise myself that I will go through all of my decorations and weed them out! And then, of course, I never do. That is until this year! And instead of waiting till the season is over, I actually did it as I was 'pulling out' rather than 'putting away'! The result is a truly spectacular tree (my humblest opinion) with only the ornaments I love and adore. Lots and lots of white lights, sparkly silver ribbon and a collection of stuff that has been building for 16 years.

This is one of a set of six tin snowmen that a dear friend gave me almost 10 years ago! How quickly time moves when measured in Christmases!


Merry Christmas everyone. May you find some magic in the day.

Winter Solstice: Walking into Light

Quickly we are closing in on the long nights of winter and readying for their exchange into longer days. Living at 58.5 degrees of latitude in the Canadian north, I am experiencing a strong appreciation for the extremes in light and dark. Both have such beauty. Both remind me that my journey is also all of our journey around the sun.

The darkness seems to have enveloped me this month. When I go to work the sky is a deep navy blue black and the moon sits proud just to the east of my drive. The still invisible horizon shows no hint that the sun is anywhere to be found. As I return home, so does the darkness. A blanket of charcoal grey slides into the dark of night and settles evenly around. Everything is crisp and frozen and crunches loudly beneath my feet in juxtaposition to all I can no longer see.

In the past, the night has not always been my companion. I recall waiting anxiously for the day that marks the change. For the hours of light to lengthen and the other to diminish. But for some reason, this year is different. Perhaps I have been so busy that the embrace of night is a comfort. Perhaps it is how it seems to slow down time and gives me room to breath. Perhaps something inside of me is just not ready to move on.

Long before the impingement of Christendom, the winter solstice was celebrated the world over by almost every culture and civilization. Somewhere around the 4th century, the sun and the son got lost in translation. For thousands of years, people have gathered to reverence the renewal and rebirth of the waning sun as it waxes to full strength. I find myself not quite ready, I'm not yet done with the darkness.

Life is an overlapping, interweaving series of events. For me, in this place and time, I have been asked by a small still voice to listen to the crunching snow beneath my feet and to watch the morning sky filled with moon and stars. To reaffirm and provoke the beliefs that I need to challenge.

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” Richard Wright

A Monday morning coffee and a blog...

I just counted, this is my 8th blog since beginning school in September. You probably have no idea how sad this tally makes me. There are so many days I long to sit here and rattle this keyboard, all the while composing numerous posts in my head (which I assure you are far better than the ones I actually write down).

I'm taking the day off. Well, sort of off. Lately I feel like I am caught up in a never ending what if outcome loop that generates mountains of work that I can never get to. So I have opted for a personal day, in which I am going to spend the time at school trying my best to get caught up and plan for the remaining weeks until Christmas.

Right now I'm giving great effort to overcoming the bitterness I feel about having to take a personal day (I actually get to pay them for this priviledge!) and the 2 hours I spent last night preparing for a sub. Usually getting prep'ed doesn't take so long but I am in transition in almost everything and needing to introduce new topics. Also today is my outside duty day for the week, it seems kind of mean to lay all of this on a sub, so I tried my best to make the rest of her day as painless as possible.

On other fronts, life seems very confused. I'm not so good when I find myself with no personal space to sort through daily events. It is easy to become closed and choke the energizing flow that keeps me in balance. Today is an attempt to open this wider. My mind becomes the proverbial hampster on the wheel and needs to be manually switched to off.

Some time ago I posted with regard to a possible move back to Vancouver Island. From all the behind the scenes indications, this is going to happen in the new year. I find myself experiencing many mixed emotions about this. For one thing, I love our home here in the north. The VI market is much more expensive and staying in the same dollar range will mean a significant change. I know, I know... this is my ego talking! Also, teaching jobs are not easy to come by on the island. It could mean years of waiting in the wing on a substitute list. So while my husband advances and earns more, I may stall and take a serious pay cut! And to add to the stress the current housing market here in the north has just dipped for the first time in 7 years. Selling could prove to be difficult and not as lucrative as we had hoped.

On a more positive outlook... I love the Island (for those of you who are thinking remote island in the Pacific, don't! VI is the size of Nova Scotia and is home to the capital city of British Columbia). It is incredibly beautiful. The place and the people are grounded and seem to have their priorities less mixed up. We lived there for 8 years and I can honestly say that in that time I felt more like I had found home than anywhere else I have ever lived, including my first love the Miramichi. Truthfully, I want to go. I'm just not sure I've done all the living here that I want to do.

Ah, I feeler calmer already. Do you find blogging meditative? Sometimes I find it to be the best medicine for what ails me.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. Gilda Radner

It has been a full day and my posting time is limited at the moment - however I did want to share with you one of my favourite daily reads. George makes me want to be only my authentic self in the highest and truest capacity I have the ability to live. His words have beauty in both their texture and meaning. When I seem to wander around, bouncing and teetering on the cusp of diction, he goes to the heart and leaves me going "yes, of course" in one fell swoop. I love his poetic philosophising. I hope that you also will appreciate.

George Breed - Cosmocracy

So often I sit here, wanting to write it all down and express it just so. And the thoughts filter through but rarely find any permanence on the page. Mostly because they are scattered, they come and go in rapid fire succession. They are filled with love, concern, turmoil, peace, rage and a deep knowing that in the end, none of it really matters.

I finished my report card comments on Friday and today I received kudos on a job well done from my principal. I guess that serves as a reminder that when called on to do so I can still write coherent and suscinct sentences. I enjoyed taking the time to consider the unique qualities and personalities of my students. In fact, I find myself somewhat saddened by the fact that they are only 8 and that it will be a very long time before they find their road in life. I wish I could, for just a few moments, fast forward to where their lives will take them, to see if my predictions come true. I wonder if other teachers think this way?

There are several highly intelligent kids in my class. Having learned as much as I have about giftedness over the last few years, my mind is always spinning in this direction and looking for characteristics that fit the profile. I'm quite good at spotting them and I find that it something many teachers discount or just file under 'smart' and leave it at that. To me this is a disservice not only to the child and their family but also to society at large. These are the kinds of kids that can change the world and unless someone tells them this, often they grow up not finding adequate challenges or believing that they are just like everyone else - they are not!

Recently I've noticed one boy in particular (who fits the profile and I imagine him squirrelled away in some obscure labratory 30 years from now) and his relationship to another boy in our class. They both possess lovely and delicate spirits and take great comfort in each other's company. Whenever they are standing beside each other, in line or on the playground, they hold hands. It seems to happen so naturally and spontaneously, almost as though they could not possibly stop it from happening. It touches me deep inside and I want to somehow protect these boys and their innocense from the cruelty of street savey bullies. Although I detect nothing sexual, they are afterall only eight years old, I do wonder if they are gay or if they for the moment have just found a safe refuge in another human being. My deepest hope is that their generation moves toward a loving acceptance rather than strained tollerance, and that their lives are full and blessed - and they have the freedom to be who they truly are.

Today. Take joy in who you are and share the good you have to give.

Namaste.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.
Joni Mitchell

New Every Morning

Oh man! There is no planet sun or star that could hold you, if you but knew what you are! Ralph Emerson Waldo

________________

It is the beginning of a new week. I'm heading in with a renewed calm, with much thanks!

Yesterday I attended a sun salutation yoga workshop. Our room faces east, so just as the sun was peaking over the horizon we welcomed it with opening arms and bowing heads. It was incredibly moving and spiritually rendering - to just be in that moment with the sun and the silhouette of darkness as it lifted before us.

photo: Pisco Bandito, Flickr - click on photo

Go for long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
question your assumptions,
be kind to yourself,
live for the moment,
loosen up,
scream,
curse the world,
count your blessings,
just let go,
just be.
Carol Shields

I haven't written in so long. And that makes me sad. Life has been moving so fast and yet so slow. There has been no down time, no reprieve from the work and it is taking (taken) its toll.

After a mostly sleepless week, some serious pms and a 60 kid Halloween party - I had nothing left to give today. So at 3:45 when I woke up this morning with a head full of snot, ears and throat on fire - I couldn't help but ask what the hell is wrong with me that I would put myself through this and get myself wound into such a frenzy. So I called in sick.

I rarely call in sick. Oh I get sick, but I am super womyn! Watch me scale tall buildings and rescue the helpless.

School is good but it is so ridiculously busy that there are times I resent it. Sometimes it feels like they own you and resistance is futile. We are little drones who keep doing what central office dictates, and with each request we get further away from that for which we were hired - to teach and nurture children. All the while, smiling and publicly moving about as though everything is exactly how it should be. It is not genuine but it is expected. The dissenters are called out on professional misconduct. Heresy.

And then today I read my sister's blog. Early last year she was diagnosed with precancerous cells. Remarkably, just as she was about to decide on a course of treatment, they were gone. Vanished. Without a trace. It was a medical mystery of self healing. Or so they thought.

Fast forward to present day. My sister has a beautiful 8 week old baby girl named Ava. And the cells are back. More plentiful than before.

And when I found this out I just broke down. I am overwhelmed by a sad despair. And I'm angry that life can be so fragile and doesn't seem to respect our person or our circumstances. I can't seem to figure out the big picture right now. My perspective is broken. And whoever is responsible for this game called life is obviously the most fucked up entity in the universe.

I wander through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies and I stood at a distance to feel who you are, hiding myself in your eyes. Don't fall, just be who you are. It's all that we need in our lives. And the risk that might break you is the one that would save - a life you don't live is still lost. Hold back your fear and see nothing is real 'til it's gone. Goo Goo Dolls, Before It's Too Late

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music. Angela Monet

Somewhere in this ridiculously overloaded month, I've regained a passion that has been lacking. I'd love to relay that it is all roses and apple pie but of course that is not real life, now is it! It doesn't work like that.

But I have been stirred, perhaps even shaken at times.

Every day I get the chance to laugh and cry, to applaud and chastise, to be silent and let loose.

I'm getting my shit together. Quite impressively together! And I'm getting the perspective as right as I can. To see it all with eyes of love. To forgive those who don't know the difference and hope that they someday will.

The more life I live - the good the bad the ugly - the more I believe that life is beauty and beauty is life, even if I'm the only one who thinks that it is so.

Namaste.

If you've been wondering where I am/how I am... still here! Just mostly too tired to speak. The first few weeks of school are like that every year. Most days are just not long enough to get it all done!

This week has been particularly difficult. I've been battling a cold and sore throat (all those kid germs resurfacing) and exhaustion. Last night I was as low as low could go! Pretty close to my breaking point and I consider myself to have high tolerance. So I went to bed at 9 and got up at 7 feeling much better. Overtired is a place I really have to keep myself out of - it is my enemy to be certain.

Tonight I stayed late at school and sorted things out for next week. Having never taught grade 3 before, there are so many missing pieces in my mind construct of how it should all be done and even questions with regard to what needs to be done!

On the up side, I'm loving my kids. They're full of mischief and I wouldn't want them any other way! And at 8, they are blissfully unaware that I don't have my shit together.

;)

If I've learned anything as a teacher it is that every single one of us responds to love. Nothing contrived. Only the genuine article. And if we can see the spirit within another, nurture it and remove some of the obstacles that litter the path, we suddenly become miracle workers. I believe miracles happen every day.

Today it is me and the vacuum. And millions of bunnies to eradicate.

There is no security on this earth. Only opportunity.

Douglas MacArthur

I found myself making an unexpected decision this week. A long standing teacher in my school has taken a VP position in another location, leaving a kindergarten position open for a year long contract.

My current employment situation is to teach grade 3 while covering sick leave for someone entering their second year off and awaiting knee surgery. The possibility remains that this person may return before the end of the school year. However, if past behavior is any future predictor, and if I were a betting (wo)man...

The fact is my replacor has a long history of illness and is somewhere in the ball park of 125+ lbs overweight. Good luck with that knee. The knee requires replacement due to overcompensating after Achilles tendon surgery last year. So after knee surgery will the hip require replacement due to overuse?

The other consideration to this puzzle (apart from the hours I have already spent cleaning and clearing our the reamins of the room) is that this school district has shown itself committed to maintaining consistency in the classroom. Given that she has a six month recovery after surgery, and yet has to be scheduled for this operation, there will come a point at which they would not remove me from the position.

So I slept on the decision for a night and discussed it with husband. I've decided against the sure thing and opted to do what I really want to do instead.

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"i" just can't get past it!

Several weeks ago (okay, months!) I printed off a list of values from a blog entry over at StevePavlina.com. Of course printing was as far as I got, until tonight.

And as I skimmed said list, these jumped out and made me LOL...

imagination

impartiality

independence

industry

ingenuity

inquisitiveness

insightfulness

inspiration

integrity

intelligence

intensity

intuition

inventiveness

I guess it really is all about me! (even my eyes are rolling)

;-)

bellagio

Is it wrong to love a photo you took yourself?

No, I don't think so either!

Just dreaming

I have a weakness for houses! And tonight I came across the most delicious (I say that because these homes literally made my mouth water) manufacturing site.

I particularly love a Craftsman inspired home. Probably because of the strong lines and angles, niches and alcoves. I'd be lying if I didn't say that the roof lines excite me, all that rise over run on the outside(!) and living in the rafters on the inside. It's a house that can hold its own without having to be the biggest or the best in the neighborhood. It is as beautiful and at home in a modern day subdivision as it is on the farm or among its relatives on a 1920's street. I like that it lends to the traditional and calms my senses with porch sitting sensibilities (where I come from long hours porch sitting is an important ingredient to a good life).

Deep breath. I'm terribly inspired and just slightly depressed that this house does not belong to me!

On the rocks, please!

I just recently found a great recipe for margaritas. Well, it wasn't totally great, so I messed around with it to get something spectacular, my humble opinion of course!

First you need to create a frozen mix:

1 - 12 0z can of MinuteMaid lemonade concentrate
1 - 12 oz can of MinuteMaid limeade concentrate

Keep this mix in a freezer safe container and use as a concentrate to make pitchers of the stuff!

The Margarita:
4 oz frozen mix
16 oz water
4 oz tequila
1 oz triple sec
3 freshly sequeezed limes
Stir.

I also added some coarsely ground sea salt directly into my glass. You could also rim with sugar or salt depending on your preference.


Enjoy on the rocks.

Back to Work...

industrious

adjective
1. characterized by hard work and perseverance [syn: hardworking]
2. working hard to promote an enterprise [syn: energetic]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

_______________

Okay, so I'm not officially back to work. But I have returned home after a month of river watching and raindrop catching and feel as though my break from reality was sufficient.

And I am ready to tackle those small naggling projects (clutter messes) that take up valuable real estate in both my home and head. Oh they are small and individually require only a few minutes here and there... but my excuse is that June was such a strangely unproductive month (and even a bit fucked up with my dad being here and not sure what was taking place between he and mom - not that it is really my concern, however him in my house does open the door to it being my business!).

So I was thinking that my biggest obstacle is (of course) my self. And perhaps I've lacked just a bit in motivation and been topped up on procrastination. So rather than wait for some supernatural catalyst to set me off, I'm just going to start by being industrious and trust that the doing will lead to motivation - as it so often does!

A great lesson reinforcer that I came away from home with this time around is that we MUST design the way in which we want to live and then consciously live it. Although I 'got this' previously, seeing the opposite on such a widespread scale was off putting! I don't believe it is an exaggeration to state that where I come from, most people carry out their lives without method or model to guide them. Seeing people that I love, living in chaos and confusion and ultimately paying a very high price for unattended living gave me a heart hurt I was not quite prepared for. (Okay, so maybe there was a catalyst after all.)

Ultimately it all follows awareness principles. Can you follow the course of current action and attention (or lack thereof) to a plausible future outcome? No one can predict the future but neither should one deny cause and affect/effect. Those who set their mind to what they want and follow with progressive action are the same ones who take the time to show up and claim it when it is being handed out.

Take care of business today. It may be a prodigious feat... or it may involve taking out the garbage and filing the bills - ultimately making way for future herculean accomplishments.

Romantic...

pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit. reference: dictionary.com