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Thursday, December 14, 2006

It's Coming on Christmas

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on
Joni Mitchell
~
I made cookies tonight. Two different kinds - chocolate macaroons, just like my mom would make when I was a kid, and espresso chip cookies. Tomorrow we are having a bake exchange at work, to help everyone get a headstart on that Christmas baking (so I was informed). Ordinarily I wouldn't bother with the baking or the exchange but truth be told, it felt really good to be productive and at the same time get lost in my own thoughts. I saw my Mom in me tonight and it pleased me.
~
Christmas is different this year, and not just because I'm away from home. I guess I am different and that affects Christmas. It no longer offers hope to me and I supose that is what I have always associated with the season.
~
But, if there is any consolation to be gained, it is in a new reverence for the healing power of love. Not in a trite way but in a deep connectivity. I'm not sure where love comes from. But it exists. And its gentleness can break us and built us in the same breath. Lately, I've been seeing too many children reaching out to be loved, desperate for it. Desperate to be heard and touched in the very sacredness of who they are and who they are becoming. It is here that my idealism meets my melancholy. Sometimes it restores my hope for the whole world. Sometimes it breaks me with cruel defeat.
~
I am finding joy in simplicity. Who knew baking cookies could be so meditative. Life is easy when I let it be. Every once in a while I like to come undone, let every seam unravel. Sometimes I sew it back together and sometimes I just live with it undone and marvel at how unnecessary it was in this so called art of living.
~
I do wish I had a river to skate away on and that my feet could fly. That indeed would be Christmas to me.

3 comments:

Rob said...

Aha Joni Mitchell!
I was a little in love with her when I was younger. I remember the song you have quoted well.
It is interesting that you mentioned her because, from what I remember, she was someone who could live with contradictions. I believe this is true both of her love life and of her musical career.
In fact these words ("Every once in a while I like to come undone, let every seam unravel. Sometimes I sew it back together and sometimes I just live with it undone and marvel at how unnecessary it was in this so called art of living.") remind me of her.

Smarts said...

All I can say to this Rob is "Thank You". I'm not sure I would have cast this light on myself without your counsel. But I like it and it fits. I am a person of contradictions. I acknowledge them and appreciate them and recognize that the world is full of them.

Do you think that it is part of the aging process to see this aspect of life? That there comes a time when we embrace compromise because seeking the ultimate truth just takes more than we can give or give up?

Rob said...

It is quite possible that you subconsciously made the link between Joni Mitchell and yourself.
Arguably you provided the clue to this by quoting her!

I think you are right about the wisdom of abandoning the search for ultimate truth. Life is a messy business: one only understands a small percentage of that which is unfolding.