Me.

I'm not interested in Knights in Shining Armour. And I never have been. I don't desire rescuing on any level. Really, what in life could you possibly need salvation from? The experience of being alive? Then what would be the point?

wants

What are your wants. Not your needs, your wants. Above all other things, what are your heart's desires? Are they basic like food and shelter? Or something drastic like quiting your job? Running away with your best friends husband? Shopping till the car can't hold another box?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.

But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.

Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Onward, Upward

As a progressive and evolving being, man is where he is that he may learn where he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lessons which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances. James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As a Man Thinketh

"Man is made or unmade by himself, in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools by which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choices and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master." James Allen from the book As A Man Thinketh

Compass Rose

I just never quite know how any of these blog entries are going to turn out until they are done! I'm prone to tangents and random turns of events. :-) But that is ok. In a way it is how I live my life so the fact that 'my' blog reflects this should come as no big surprise to me.

Summer is fully over now (at least where I live) and that is reflected both in the changing temperatures and turning leaves, but more significantly in my work. Gone are the carefree days of aimless wanderlust replaced by preparing lessons and early morning alarm clocks. Honestly, I don't mind, school keeps me grounded and focused (and truth be told I absolutely love it even on the difficult days). Plus, would summer really be as good if not for the busyness of these fall/winter months?

I'm trying to make a short list for next summer of where my travels will take me. Of course Italy is in the top 5! I envision seeing the countryside and perhaps traveling by ferry to northern Africa to the city of Tunis. Part of the grade 3 curriculum in this province includes a study of Tunisia, it would be enriching to actually travel there and take in some of the culture. I'd like to compare and contrast first hand the two places ~ both a part of the Mediterranean but one predominately Christian, the other Muslim. Also, observe (if any) the affects of two distinct continents.

Also in the top 5 is Amsterdam. One main reason is that English is so accessible in Holland and spoken by all, that and the beauty of the city with its many canals and stone bridges. It is also easy travel from there to so many other European cities. Given that I already speak some French it would be an opportunity to also visit parts of France and Belgium without communication getting in the way (something I did find frustrating while in Italy).

So far I really only have these two as part of the top 5! But I am open to suggestions! Prague, perhaps? Croatia? Spain and Portugal? Wherever I decide on, I would like to spend the majority of my time in that main country, take my time there and really get a feel for what it is like to be a citizen of that region. I also plan on going for a minimum of 4 weeks and ideally as long as 6! But Euros are much pricier than Canadian $$$s, so the exact time remains unknown at present.

It pleases me to no end that I have all of this to dream about and research over the next few months! For so long, I felt this overwhelming discontent with the undisciplined directions I was allowing my life to take. In a recent post I commented on how this summer I seemed to have gained an added measure of courage. Perhaps it is age. At 37 I can embrace not really giving so much of a shit about many things. And I have finally broken free of the self-imposed weight of others expectations, including my parents and husband. Tis good. I can accept that this new found "not giving a shit" is changing the dynamics of those relationships. But I'm going to just let that be what it is going to be.

Namaste. Fill your heart with love and appreciation for all that you are already.

Reckoning

Although today was not a perfect day it was still, a perfectly good day. Do you ever take a moment to let it dawn on you how fantastic it is just to live (even when it is shit!). Sometimes I just smile and think to myself "Damn but I love my life!" All of it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Do you have a safety net?

“It's your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.” Peter McWilliams

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

The sun just set about 20 minutes ago. It went down right before my eyes. Reminded me of all the things that keep on happening without any thought or effort from me. Every single person on this earth gets to experience these gifts ~ such as the sun setting and rising, the stars in the night sky, the moon as she moves through her phases, and 10,000 other things ~ all without the price of admission. One merely has to open their eyes and acknowledge.

Maybe it is because I grew up in a small town where life moved along slowly that I remember to look for such things. Or maybe it is that I now live in Alberta where the sky is so big one can't help but take notice of her as she stretches from one flat horizon to the next. Whatever the reason, the goddess mother always seems to be near me. And I like it that way. I take comfort in a knowing that none of this needs me to get along.

And it made we wonder, is this an area where we go wrong in life? Spending our time taking on needless responsibilities for things that will continue to turn without our interference? And by putting ourselves in charge of things that need no custody, are we neglecting the deeper meaning and issues of our own essence?

These become busy work. Distracting us. Making us feel wanted and important. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I must do this!" Keeping us occupied. Filling up our days so there is no room for the other. And before you know it we've encapsulated our lives in a safety net, strung around our necks so tightly we can't untangle from the multitude of things that never needed us in the first place.

So as you travel through your life in the next few days, think about this. What things are you taking on in your world that don't actually need you? Why do you do it? Because you love it and want to? Or because it creates an escape from what you'd rather not deal with?

Namaste.

I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A

Today

I just spent a fantastic day with old high school friends. What a treat! Five of us girls got together and canoed the river. Tonight I'm having dinner with another great friend from days pasts.

Have loved every minute of this summer! So great.

Promise to do some real blogging soon - may even post some pics! Hope you are all doing well.

Space Between

Some loves never leave you - no matter how far you roam. Even when it is a lifetime and there are ques of loves in between. Those moments that are special don't tarnish just because other beings wander in and out.

Carpe Diem

Today is our first full day in Rome. Great hotel, very quiet and in the heart of the Ancient city. We can see the ruins of the Roman Forum from our window!

Got a great sleep last night and just about ready to head out on foot. The map looks large but the streets are all narrow and winding, so getting from one place to another is quick. Looking forward to exploring the Forum, Coliseum and Tiber River within the next few hours. Will also make time for wine drinking and soaking up this weather - azure sky and the faintest of a breeze - I will have to tuck this away and remember it in the December.

A.

You & Me and all of the people...

Wanting what you can never have... well, I guess we all know how that goes.

But I want it anyway.
And I think I'm almost there on letting the other go.

More Wanderlust

Soon to be Rome-ing around! I leave for Italy tomorrow!!!! Too excited to sleeep. :-0

Walk On

The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. U2

It's late. I just came in from the river and in truth I hated to leave. The night is clear, the moon waxing almost at her full sphere. She's casting long shadows on the pine trees and lighting up the rooftops.

~

As a kid I spent a large portion of my life in this same back field, lying in dewy grass staring at the night sky. Just letting the stars imprint themselves on my mind's eye. Accompanied by the sound of the river (the Mozart to the Van Gogh above me). Wondering. About it all.

~

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind (U2)

~

I'm so thankful for my life. It is such a gift of grace to recognize this journey as it unfolds in front of me. As though I have stumbled upon the very soul of the world and can hear its beat inside myself. To this I bow with my whole heart open.

~

Namaste.

Scribles of the Day

Lately I've been breathing deeply, taking life all in and letting it move through me like air. It feels good. I also feel strong and contented, even though I'm sensing change around the bend.

Today I went to church and listened to my father preach. I sat with certainty as his words washed over me and knew the truth in my heart to be my truth, not his. It was liberating and I sat with those moments, embracing a freedom I've never felt in either my heart or mind. It was euphoric in a quiet non-assuming way that can never be shared with those among whom I sat.
~

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul.

~

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~

"Invictus," by William Earnest Henley

A delicate balance...

I don't think I've mentioned it but I've recently lost 10 lbs! And it wasn't really that difficult. I've been on what my friend and I refer to simply as 'the plan'. Want to know the secret?

How you pair your food. You eat starches (bread & pasta) alone or with vegetables. Allow 3 hours for digesting before eating again. Eat fruit by itself with a 3 hour window on either side. Meat can be eaten by itself or with lots of garden fresh salad and/or non-starchy vegetables. Coffee is off the menu (okay, I haven't fully given up the coffee but I've replaced a good 70% with tea - which is acceptable for the plan). Dairy falls under the meat category and therefore eating cereal with milk is not ideal and should be avoided. Nuts make for a very good snack. Avoid processed foods including those devoid of any nutritional value (pop, chips, chocolate). Use non-pasturized honey to get you over the craving humps! In fact, honey is highly encouraged.

And voila, just like that I've dropped poundage.

Along with this I've been learning more about the body's ph levels. Come to find out disease can not live in an alkaline body. Fat doesn't like to hang around either! A ph of 7.0 to 7.6 is excellent, above this the body becomes too alkaline, causing equally harmful health effects. However, the chances of achieving alkalinity this high is close to impossibie (the standard American diet/lifestyle is highly acidic).

The eating style described above is in keeping with improving the alkalinity of the body as well as improving digestion (starches and meat protiens are NOT intestinal friends - this is part of the reason you feel like you're going to die after chowing down on Christmas dinner!) Especially if you limit the amout of animal protien being consumed (meat is very acidic, as is coffee) and cut out the processed stuff.

Now that I'm starting to get a handle on this way of eatting, I'm also getting serious about monitoring my ph. Tonight I tested my urine and had a level of 6.5. I've got my work cut out for me! While in the city this weekend I picked up a water supplement called Cellfood. It was recommended in the Ultimate pH Solution book that I read recently. Apparently it is helpful with restoring optimal pH levels.

I'm not going to test again until next weekend and my goal is to take the Cellfood 'as directed' for the entire week. I'm very interested to see if there is any change.

Looking for more information? Check out http://www.cellfood.com/ and http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977193128 .

Dry Well

It would be great if I had some inspirational words today. But they're ain't none. Truly clever and awesome. Again sorry. There's still nothing.

Compass

A person can easily get themselves caught up in their circumstances. Feel trapped. Think there is no way out. Berate themselves because their situation is basically good and yet they don't really want what they have. Worry that if they do let it all go, what lies around the corner will be the worser evil.

This kind of thinking creates a lot of self-doubt and general dis contentedness in life. It is good to want change and one must examine closely what they truly want and how to get there with the least amount of collateral damage. Our lives are intertwined and our actions do impact others - our families, our friends, our colleagues. Yet despite this, this is your life. You should get what you want out of it.

In the moment

It was a great day. The kind that makes you feel like you're doing what you should be and even better, that you're having success doing it.

Pretending Again

Lately I've been learning a lot, even though I'm not sure what to make of it all, yet anyway! There have been these moments when I've felt myself encapsulated in fear and not quite sure how to get out. During these times I've also re-experienced past shames that I hadn't thought of in years. Very strange and self-reproaching to find myself up close and personal with what should be long forgotten embarrassments and faux pas'. It has been a highly deja-vu'ish experience in humiliation. Memories I'd prefer to not have surface. Memories that hurt you like small stabs at the heart of your being.

The worst is over now, but at the height of my 'illness' I was feeling more than just physically bad. It was as though I lost all of my defenses, the shields were down and the energy field had been disrupted (to nerdily borrow a metaphor from Star Trek). Despite my life philosophy of reaping what you sow, I was unable to sow anything other than doubt, fear and shame - which if you're an LOA'er you know that thinking on such just brings you more of the same. Regardless, my thought patterns refused to be changed. Also, during that time, Jeremy was away and I needed him with an intensity I have not experienced in quite some time.

I'm trying to work this out. And I may need help to do so. Something beside just normal life has been at play. Even though I want to be a brave person, my deepest fear is that I'm not. That I keep taking the easy way out when I never used to do that. That I'm not trusting in myself to be enough, that I can do it, that I can take care of myself. There is much anxiety in side me about being completely honest and asking for what I need to experience. I'm tied into too many other peoples expectations and holding myself to what I think their standard of judgement will be.

That may just have been a break-through!