I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A

Today

I just spent a fantastic day with old high school friends. What a treat! Five of us girls got together and canoed the river. Tonight I'm having dinner with another great friend from days pasts.

Have loved every minute of this summer! So great.

Promise to do some real blogging soon - may even post some pics! Hope you are all doing well.

Space Between

Some loves never leave you - no matter how far you roam. Even when it is a lifetime and there are ques of loves in between. Those moments that are special don't tarnish just because other beings wander in and out.

Carpe Diem

Today is our first full day in Rome. Great hotel, very quiet and in the heart of the Ancient city. We can see the ruins of the Roman Forum from our window!

Got a great sleep last night and just about ready to head out on foot. The map looks large but the streets are all narrow and winding, so getting from one place to another is quick. Looking forward to exploring the Forum, Coliseum and Tiber River within the next few hours. Will also make time for wine drinking and soaking up this weather - azure sky and the faintest of a breeze - I will have to tuck this away and remember it in the December.

A.

You & Me and all of the people...

Wanting what you can never have... well, I guess we all know how that goes.

But I want it anyway.
And I think I'm almost there on letting the other go.

More Wanderlust

Soon to be Rome-ing around! I leave for Italy tomorrow!!!! Too excited to sleeep. :-0

Walk On

The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can't leave behind. U2

It's late. I just came in from the river and in truth I hated to leave. The night is clear, the moon waxing almost at her full sphere. She's casting long shadows on the pine trees and lighting up the rooftops.

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As a kid I spent a large portion of my life in this same back field, lying in dewy grass staring at the night sky. Just letting the stars imprint themselves on my mind's eye. Accompanied by the sound of the river (the Mozart to the Van Gogh above me). Wondering. About it all.

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Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind (U2)

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I'm so thankful for my life. It is such a gift of grace to recognize this journey as it unfolds in front of me. As though I have stumbled upon the very soul of the world and can hear its beat inside myself. To this I bow with my whole heart open.

~

Namaste.

Scribles of the Day

Lately I've been breathing deeply, taking life all in and letting it move through me like air. It feels good. I also feel strong and contented, even though I'm sensing change around the bend.

Today I went to church and listened to my father preach. I sat with certainty as his words washed over me and knew the truth in my heart to be my truth, not his. It was liberating and I sat with those moments, embracing a freedom I've never felt in either my heart or mind. It was euphoric in a quiet non-assuming way that can never be shared with those among whom I sat.
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Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be,

For my unconquerable soul.

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It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

~

"Invictus," by William Earnest Henley

A delicate balance...

I don't think I've mentioned it but I've recently lost 10 lbs! And it wasn't really that difficult. I've been on what my friend and I refer to simply as 'the plan'. Want to know the secret?

How you pair your food. You eat starches (bread & pasta) alone or with vegetables. Allow 3 hours for digesting before eating again. Eat fruit by itself with a 3 hour window on either side. Meat can be eaten by itself or with lots of garden fresh salad and/or non-starchy vegetables. Coffee is off the menu (okay, I haven't fully given up the coffee but I've replaced a good 70% with tea - which is acceptable for the plan). Dairy falls under the meat category and therefore eating cereal with milk is not ideal and should be avoided. Nuts make for a very good snack. Avoid processed foods including those devoid of any nutritional value (pop, chips, chocolate). Use non-pasturized honey to get you over the craving humps! In fact, honey is highly encouraged.

And voila, just like that I've dropped poundage.

Along with this I've been learning more about the body's ph levels. Come to find out disease can not live in an alkaline body. Fat doesn't like to hang around either! A ph of 7.0 to 7.6 is excellent, above this the body becomes too alkaline, causing equally harmful health effects. However, the chances of achieving alkalinity this high is close to impossibie (the standard American diet/lifestyle is highly acidic).

The eating style described above is in keeping with improving the alkalinity of the body as well as improving digestion (starches and meat protiens are NOT intestinal friends - this is part of the reason you feel like you're going to die after chowing down on Christmas dinner!) Especially if you limit the amout of animal protien being consumed (meat is very acidic, as is coffee) and cut out the processed stuff.

Now that I'm starting to get a handle on this way of eatting, I'm also getting serious about monitoring my ph. Tonight I tested my urine and had a level of 6.5. I've got my work cut out for me! While in the city this weekend I picked up a water supplement called Cellfood. It was recommended in the Ultimate pH Solution book that I read recently. Apparently it is helpful with restoring optimal pH levels.

I'm not going to test again until next weekend and my goal is to take the Cellfood 'as directed' for the entire week. I'm very interested to see if there is any change.

Looking for more information? Check out http://www.cellfood.com/ and http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977193128 .

Dry Well

It would be great if I had some inspirational words today. But they're ain't none. Truly clever and awesome. Again sorry. There's still nothing.

Compass

A person can easily get themselves caught up in their circumstances. Feel trapped. Think there is no way out. Berate themselves because their situation is basically good and yet they don't really want what they have. Worry that if they do let it all go, what lies around the corner will be the worser evil.

This kind of thinking creates a lot of self-doubt and general dis contentedness in life. It is good to want change and one must examine closely what they truly want and how to get there with the least amount of collateral damage. Our lives are intertwined and our actions do impact others - our families, our friends, our colleagues. Yet despite this, this is your life. You should get what you want out of it.

In the moment

It was a great day. The kind that makes you feel like you're doing what you should be and even better, that you're having success doing it.

Pretending Again

Lately I've been learning a lot, even though I'm not sure what to make of it all, yet anyway! There have been these moments when I've felt myself encapsulated in fear and not quite sure how to get out. During these times I've also re-experienced past shames that I hadn't thought of in years. Very strange and self-reproaching to find myself up close and personal with what should be long forgotten embarrassments and faux pas'. It has been a highly deja-vu'ish experience in humiliation. Memories I'd prefer to not have surface. Memories that hurt you like small stabs at the heart of your being.

The worst is over now, but at the height of my 'illness' I was feeling more than just physically bad. It was as though I lost all of my defenses, the shields were down and the energy field had been disrupted (to nerdily borrow a metaphor from Star Trek). Despite my life philosophy of reaping what you sow, I was unable to sow anything other than doubt, fear and shame - which if you're an LOA'er you know that thinking on such just brings you more of the same. Regardless, my thought patterns refused to be changed. Also, during that time, Jeremy was away and I needed him with an intensity I have not experienced in quite some time.

I'm trying to work this out. And I may need help to do so. Something beside just normal life has been at play. Even though I want to be a brave person, my deepest fear is that I'm not. That I keep taking the easy way out when I never used to do that. That I'm not trusting in myself to be enough, that I can do it, that I can take care of myself. There is much anxiety in side me about being completely honest and asking for what I need to experience. I'm tied into too many other peoples expectations and holding myself to what I think their standard of judgement will be.

That may just have been a break-through!

Rome-ing Around

I just booked what I hope will be a mind-blowingly fabulous trip to Rome this summer! I've never been to Europe, so Italy seems as good a place as any to begin. Have you ever been? Any suggestions on what to and what not-to do?

In the meantime, check out our rad accommodations: www.kolbehotelrome.com It was once a monastery that has since been converted into a boutique hotel that sits right behind the Roman Forum!

Life is good.

HOME

When I think of home, this is the image that inundates my brain. I'm a little homesick tonight.

I've been sick for several weeks now. It has eaten me up and spit me back out without so much as a wham-bam-thank-you-mam!

These weeks have been miserable. I've experienced some pretty rough and raw emotions, and none of them the good ones! I've felt my energy levels drop below zero. This barrel had nothing left to scrape. Everyday just breathing was laborious and exhaust inducing.

My voice was taken from me and replaced with the raspy, phlegmy gurglings of one who has smoked unfiltereds for 50 years.

I've coughed til my back muscled spasmed in protest. Yet I had to keep coughing to get some of the bad stuff out of me.

I've begged to be restored. Only to get sicker. I've cried from the oppression of the fear and loneliness that takes hold in dark nights of waking while everyone else sleeps around you. You watch your frustrations grow, murky in dreams that give no rest - and you know you still have to go to work the next morning.

Today is better. It seems to be breaking up.

I have a lot of thoughts to chew on. There must be something here from which I'm meant to grow.

Honouring the Inner YOU

On a personal level, I've always been somewhat disconsolate. I go through phases where reaching out and being social comes more easily and I doubt most would perceive me as anti-social (as I am as good a pretender as the next). It is however in this 'pretending' that I hide a good portion of the 'me' people think they know. In my mind I'm always outside the circle of mainstream. This is not a burden to me, inside would be much more difficult I assure you!

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Does that make me manipulative and fake and inauthentic? Yes, sometimes. No, sometimes. But more in a self-preservation type of way. It is more likely that I will study my surroundings, take the temperature of the encompassing personalities and start formulating who is trustable and who is most likely to share my own interests and ideals. It is with these feelers that I actively assess the dangerous people and intuitively slide away from them without so much as a ripple above the water.

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For as long as I can remember, I have had this gift. I say gift, because as an observer of daily social interactions amongst 8 year olds, it is not something I see in plenitude. Although it is there, and sometimes I want to tell those kids to hone that talent as it will serve them well throughout their life. Trying to explain the concept of observing and evaluating without disturbing the currents of life in the fray, seems beyond challenging for the mere reason that it takes a high degree of self-esteem/worth to be able to step back from the madding crowd.

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One thing I have noticed is that like does attract like.

If it makes you happy...

I've been back to having a shoulder problem. Major relapse this week coupled with a C3 (neck vertebra) badly out of place - requiring 3 daily adjustments in a row. Add to this, on Friday I managed to stress myself out quite thoroughly when marking some tests for my students. I was beyond frustrated about their inability (generalization) to write a decent response in sentence form to a question in which they missed the meaning of entirely. Grr.

After having spent several hours analyzing the situation and talking myself back down off the ledge... forcing them to do a test in the last 20 minutes of class on the threshold of a long weekend, just may have been a mitigating factor!!! (Yah think?) So I'm going to stop hinging my fear-of-failure and success-at-their-cost on a few poorly constructed prose. Life moves on and I'm sure the kids (who are for the most part fantastic little writers) didn't let it get them down once it was over and handed in!

This morning I gave my 'dear ol' auntie Clara' a call on the phone. We really haven't conversed in detail since the onset of my shoulder affliction. I think Clara is an amazing woman. She is well read and knows a lot about energy and healing and the link between mind and body - her house is accented in a variety of rocks and crystals, she has no problem walking to the beat of her own drum. I love her for that. It is with her that I first became interested in exploring a sub-surface world.

A lot of my frustration has been with recurrence and relapsing back to a pre-therapy condition. I have spent quite literally over a thousand dollars in treatment, only to make little or no gains. So she asked me a few pointed questions. My problem is on the left side (and at times affects my entire left side) which is the feminine side of the body. Pain in the body indicates something deep and personal that I need to deal with. Pain is also associated with fear, anger and resentment. Something I am holding on to but don't need to. Perhaps breaking down under the weight of what I no longer need to bear. She said I need to talk to my shoulder and ask it in conversation to reveal to me what is subconsciously impairing and misshaping my form (the pain causes me to hold myself at awkward angles). She also told me that all the tools I need for healing I already possess - outside intervention is only acting as a diversion. With every failed treatment my discouragement grows.

I really think that she is right. Immediately something came to mind (which I am not at liberty to discuss publicly) and we were able to talk about the intense feelings I've had on the situation. This 'thing' has been on-going since December and although it has formally finished, there are still a couple of loose ends. Ends outside of my control. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it was horrible but suffice it to say, it was not something I wanted to do and have had negative feelings about from the gate. From beginning to end I considered it an energy and creativity blocker.

Remarkably, even as we were talking I could feel the pain subsiding in my shoulder.

Intuitively I have known that this problem was not injury based. Regardless, one of my experts tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that it was, so that I could fit his understanding of how the body works.

Whether or not I have hit the nail directly, I know for certain that sitting her, fingers flying across this keyboard, my pain is substantially less than it was this morning when I woke up. I've taken no pain medication today.

Honestly, I can't help but be in perpetual wonder of the unseen. It is as though we live among icebergs. We see these little 'things' that pop up above the surface from time to time, not giving due respect to the mass below the superficial.

Some days I am in serious need of a chill pill.

Journey

There is no shortage in life of learning opportunities. There is however, often an unwillingness on our part to embrace and learn from what is put right in front of us. In fact, some of us manage to stumble over the same lesson for years, kicking it around, growling at it and even telling it to piss off from time to time - yet it never goes completely away.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Teilhard de Chardin

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A few years ago I lit onto this idea that our spirit is here to embrace a spiritual life through the lens of humanity. To have a human experience. To remember that we are spiritual beings first and foremost. Spiritually (not religiously) our human form has lessons to learn, these lessons are plentiful and free! This has marked a significant paradigm shift in my thinking.

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If you can make this leap it will change your life. It will give you courage and freedom. For as far back as my memories can take me, I was always a child full of courage, thinking and embracing and in search of ways to be free. I purposefully sought out the things that made me strong and fueled my senses about the world in general.

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I grew up Christian and for that I am most thankful. Primarily because my parents have an unwavering faith in things 'unseen'. To embrace a spiritual life, one must first believe in a world beyond what we can see and touch. I was brought up to believe in prayer and that praying to God can change our world, as he is lovingly interested in bettering our lives.

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So in many regards, the principles by which I was raised are in essence the same as what I believe today. I've dropped a few things, like heaven and hell and being redeemed and now ascribe to a more gnostic theism, choosing to acknowledge that we are all god-like, we came from a source and will return to a source, that source remains with us throughout our human journey.

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It is throughout this journey that we have opportunity to connect to this source. To find strength and courage to solve our problems and live better lives. Lives of peaceful determination, always testing our mettle, expanding our experiences and finding joyful contentment. Life should be about these things and yet so often it becomes about our fear of failing. When we fear failure we lose our determination, we shrink back before we can see what we're made of, we live with scarcity and loss, holding so tight that what is within our grasp trickles away.

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A spiritual life is open for business, so to speak. It welcomes and encourages. It has a prosperity mindset that interprets the world as already having everything that we need. It espouses a world we cannot see that enables us to direct and attract the kind of life we wish to live.

Living a spiritual life is paradoxical - it is power in that you are the creator and as creator you make it what you want it to be. For some the concept of creating our life may seem foreign or even blasphemous, yet we (according to the bible) were created in his (creator) image, why should we not share in what we consider to be God's defining quality? All around us, it is the creative force of what is possible that stand as our inspirations for life.

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A spiritual life is also about letting go, which on the surface may seem in direct opposition to power. Letting go means that you stop competing with your neighbors and yourself and start living on a plane of creative thought. Letting go may involve a few rounds with your ego and reputation. When you first begin changing the way you think, you will quickly find that 'leggo the eggo' is not for the meek of heart!

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So think about your life for a bit? Are you happy? What have you been kicking around for years that you need to learn from or confront your fear of? Have you crafted a life you embrace and enjoy? Is it balanced or do you live only for the weekend? Do you experience courage and freedom and have avenues to direct these qualities?

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I know for many of my readers these are not new ideas. In reality they are very old ideas, not modern at all! For further reading I suggest Wayne Dyer, The Power of Intention.

There comes a point at which you can just no longer stand the sound of your own bullshit. Wanted: Desperately seeking new shit.