Pain

So not wanting to do things in half measures, I hired a personal trainer. We started yesterday. Today I can barely climb the stairs. But it feels good to hurt a little/ a LOT.

Run Run Away

I'm declaring it publicly. I'm training for the May 10k. And hope to hell that this takes the edge off just a bit!!!!!

Adventure.

so after that last potty mouth post (thank you, Lyn!), here is what I've concluded...

I am in need of adventure.

a thing I both love and hate about myself (in nearly equal proportions) is that I crave change. and change for me reads like adventure. probably because when I make changes they're not about the color of my socks or hair. they're more like quitting my job and moving provinces. I'm counting on you dear blog reader to be able to recognize the myriad of downsides to this!

when I was a kid my overwhelming desire was to be an acrobat that spun up and down on those long bedsheets, swinging above the crowd with grace and freedom. I later realized the unattractive part of that plan was the traveling with the circus ~ not that many of those people floss. But in my core, even as a small child I identified so strongly with what that represented ~ me doing what others thought of as the impossible, the ridiculous, the daring.

I've been at this place many times before. I've quit many job. They were all tediously boring jobs and even now I can recall the release of those endorphins! Once, in an effort to combat this demon I went back to school and had an almost-so-close-I-could-taste-him affair. But I found out that it wasn't about him.

I recognize this time, accepting myself as the grown-up I've become, now being in my 38th year... is that every time this insatiable need for speed happened... I was BORED and looking for ADVENTURE. And I didn't have the ovaries to call it what it was. This time is different. Even though I'm still bored and technically in the same place ~ figuratively speaking. I'm calling it forth. Calling it what it is. Even though for a bit it masqueraded as other things. Has taken some time to unmask myself (do I have so many I forget which ones are mine?).

But now the beast has been looked in the eye. Frankly we're having a bit of a stare-down via v the mirror. Either way, I win. Right?

Reflecting.

This is the part I find ironic.

When we are young we can't wait to become adults so that we can choose to do what we want to do when we want to do it.

You become an adult. The above rarely happens.

I'm in need of some bad decision making. Just for the hell of it. Just to liven things up a bit. Being a responsible adult is highly overrated.

Today I feel like saying fuck it. A lot. So far I haven't actually fucked-it. Because I am so fucking responsible. Fuck. Truth... I have no idea what I want to fuck. But I still want to. Yes, I am such a complex being. Don't worry about me. My problems are minuscule and primarily self-created.

Question

Is there any opponent more dangerous than our own ego?

Mine apparently wants to battle to the death.

Smile :)

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach the hole and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

The first hunter says "There's an old automobile transmission over here by the bushes, give me a hand and we'll throw it in the hole and see."

So they pick up the old transmission and carry over to the hole and count one, two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, a goat comes crashing through the brush, runs up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jumps in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the heck was going on, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago when a goat came running out of them bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "Why that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

Seasons & Time

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.

~ Ecclesiastics 3 ~

For a bit now, I've been considering taking a year off from work. Thinking about it to the point that it is making me a little mental. One hour I'm "yes, yes, yes, do it" and the next I'm making a list of all the reasons that I can't or should at the very least put it off for one more year.

On the way home today with spring so clearly in the air I couldn't help but consider the seasons. Before all of the modern niceties that we enjoy (you know ~ central heating, indoor plumbing, electricity) peoples lives were cyclical. They were in cadence with the seasons and moon cycles. Man's work fluctuated with the calendar and priority was always on survival.

I'm happy that my life does not revolve around having to meet the bare necessities. However, I do think that we've lost a certain circadian heartbeat with nature. Our bodies still hold the DNA of our forefathers, who would never have been able to accept the lifestyle we now lead. Locking ourselves indoors, in small rooms with self-imposing deadlines for work that is more or less meaningless. How is it that we have collectively agreed to this as our way of life? Even more, how is that we've agreed we should do it 50 weeks out of every year?

Honestly, I've never been that good at holding down a job. I'm restless and have commitment issues.

Teaching is the best job I've ever been privileged to do. And it is important work. For some kids all of their stability is found at school. And the world is in need of teachers that can both clearly teach them the academic things they need AND be a person of great character and compassion. Making them feel loved and appreciated for what they can give back as citizens, regardless of their life circumstances. In my mind, most of the important stuff that happens in our schools have nothing to do with academics. But academics seem to be the glue ~ or maybe it is the other way around. Sometimes I lose myself in the loop.

There are days when I feel like in the cosmic scheme of things, teaching chose me and not the other way around. And, for as much joy as it can bring, it equally tears at your heart and sanity. Most would be surprised at the level of energy required to make a day happen and make it look easy. Sometimes I am so busy giving to my work life that having any other kind of life exhausts me just from thinking about it. Most days it is out of balance ~ as much as I love it and feel made for it, often it is just too much. Causing all the other parts to suffer. Which saddens me.

I still don't know what my final decision will be. The deadline is looming for March 31st. When I came home with Ecclesiastics 3 on my mind, I was comforted by its meditation on time. We need different things from life at different times, and we always have.

~ I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. ~