Please Come

This is a recent party invitation I received. Much too good not to share...

Subject: Winter party March 10

Hello everyone:

I will be having a winter party on Saturday March 10, 2007, starting at around 7:00PM at my house, (10407-107 Avenue).
Please RSVP if you think you can make it. (I forewarn the police so they know what size of paddy wagon to send over)

I will provide some whiskey and some whisky, and assorted sambuca, baileys, vodka, rum, etc, ice, and some mix. Please bring your own beer, coolers, mix. If it is cold enough we can keep the booze cold on the sundeck (the cold is better for you when it's free range) or else I will have some coolers with ice/snow.

I will also provide some food: a wide assortment of the finest (president's choice) appetizers and dipping sauces, and possibly even some nachos.

If you are a first aider or EMT, please identify yourself to the crowd upon arriving in case someone requires your assistance. Please note that I don't have defibrillator, but I do have booster cables and a battery and from what I saw on Mr. Bean, they really work well.

Children that are not born, or are under the age of two are welcome so long as you acknowledge my house has no child-safe features at all-in fact it is decidedly child-unfriendly: it has no child gates on the stairs, exposed live electrical wires, a red-hot wood stove, lead-based paint, and scattered little pieces of jagged metal (uranium 235) that would easily fit in a child's mouth.

As usual, the standard rules for my house apply: "Please note this will be a non-smoking event--as long as you're in MY house, you're living by my MY rules (something I can't wait to say to my parents).

There will be absolutely no uncivilized drunkenness, nudity, flashing, or streaking permitted. All drunkenness, nudity, flashing, and streaking must be in the utmost of good taste, so as to fit into my genteel and refined lifestyle.

Bring your own booze, no gifts allowed, no dogs allowed, and especially: no bush cats.

And from the experience at my housewarming and later parties, the rules are amended to include:
* No puking on the carpets: all puking shall be on linoleum only-descendents of sack makers take note.
* The Smith family is still prohibited from bringing any farm animals that are not fully processed into a "ready-to-barbeque" format
* The Hlewka family is banned from operating my screen door while under the influence, as the damage can be prohibitively expensive.
* No hiding, relocating, or moving of eggs, vegetables, canned goods, etc will be permitted at any time.
* Bringing canned meatballs and gravy is forbidden, even if you are from Labrador City.
* If you eat pistachios, the shells must go in the garbage, not under the couch, in my plants, etc.
* Under no circumstances is anyone (especially Fran Davis) allowed to wear anything manufactured by Speedo in a way that it could be visible to another person at the party.

Yes, I have RSVP'd.
:)