Flight Patterns

Abundance is not something we acquire.

It is something we tune into.
~Wayne Dyer

For several days now I have been setting aside some time to meditate and think on qualities I wish to strengthen and/or cultivate in my life. Depending on the day and the challenges it presents, clearing my mind of random thoughts or concerns can either be very easy or very difficult. Some days the weight of the world seems heavier and releasing the weight an act of heroism.

Miss K (who has now been living with us for 6 weeks) has been presenting her challenges. I question what it is I need to learn. Funny, what she needs to learn is clearly evident to me! But when I get right down to it, her lessons become translated into my lessons - and although mine are different from hers, proportionally they are as difficult.

Yesterday, in a moment of reflection I emailed this to my mom:

Mom,

Today I want to thank you for the love and care you have given to me over 35 years. I feel immeasurable gratitude and love toward you and dad for the all encompassing standards and values you modeled and instilled in me throughout the years.

You are an incredibly wise woman who has taught me to guard and respect the sacredness of my very self. This has served me well. And it has enabled me to make decisions that are not always popular but are necessary for my own protection.

angela
xo

I rarely email Mom and as soon as I sent it all I could think is "boy that came out of left field"!
And this is how she responded.

Hi My DEAR,

Choice is not easy, nor a thing to explain, but one must live with it (them). God loves YOU and understands all things that are you. Do not allow fear to take your choices from you. Love you dearly and with much support.

Always, Mom

When I read this, I was sitting alone in my classroom during recess. And for the next several minutes I was awash in tears that refused to slow down and took all my mascara with them. And all the anger I had been feeling toward Miss K and consequently myself, dissolved. I was able to find that connection inside that grounds us to the divide between what is and what is not important.

It is in this space that I would like to live my life. Easier said than done.

Despite having always had healthy self-esteem, I think one of my lessons might just be in regard to acceptance, of myself and others. Here are a few of the things that have struck a chord of late. (I found these on the Internet somewhere).

1. My worth is unchangingly positive because it is my spiritual inheritance. It is not increased
by my success nor decreased by my mistakes.

2. I love and forgive myself totally for all of my mistakes.

3. I now realize that I have total worth and value as a person whether I learn my lessons in life or not!

4. I am the light, not the lampshade over the light.

5. I am the master of my life. I choose to be my best friend instead of my own worst enemy.

6. Life is beautiful.

Gratitude. Thanksgiving. Appreciation. Praise. Joy. Unfolding. Directing. Thought. Growth. Addressing. Confessing. Answer. Claim. Accept. Action. Responsibility. Forgiving. Favor. Grace. Love. Full. Empty. Blessed.

I think there is nothing more rewarding than doing the inner work!

Unbound

I am grateful for my life. Who I am. The way I laugh. And sometimes cry. How I think and the ability to change my thoughts, just because I can.

I give thanks for all aspects of my Self, in this present moment. For battles won and lost. And sometimes just because I stayed to fight or declined the fight altogether.

I am unique, and this in and of itself is cause for joyous praise. I aspire to my own experience on a road that sometimes twists and leads into extended meadows of rest and renewal.

I celebrate and acknowledge those who have written in permanent ink, leaving behind messages and parables that will forever bear witness in my becoming. That you saw me through when I needed you and you picked me up when I needed that and you allowed me to stay down when the time for getting up wasn't quite right. And even if you didn't do it out of love, I'm still thankful that you did it.

I give thanks for everything I've ever done and failed at. Or succeeded. Or didn't quite complete. I forgive myself for every moment I did not meet the mark. My life is not marked by negative or positive - it is just my life, and it is all beautiful - even when I must recognize beauty in new ways.

I give thanks that I am UNBOUND. Funny. Extraordinary. Curious. Odd. Surprising. Uncommon. Common. Amazing. Divergent. Bewildering. Breathtaking. Staggering.



I give thanks that MY life is MY own. I will keep my power and use it for good.

It has been a week of troughs and peaks. I found myself extremely tired and unable to shake the general feeling of fatigue, despite sleeping 8-9 hours each night. When work ended on Friday I collapsed in a puddle on the couch and could not get up (save but to actually go to bed).

Also, it was an emotional week (the tired ones always are) with thoughts of leaving on my mind and where and when that will take me. I have a wonderful support in my beloved auntie Clara, my sister and Laura, my dear friend. Yet, I hesitated to burden them too greatly with ideas I myself am having difficulty reconciling. Their probes did not necessarily bring me to answers but did give me charters upon which to meditate.

And, meditate I did. I found myself challenged by some interesting coincidences. Perhaps I would have thought nothing of these nuances had I not read The Alchemist this week. It was serendipitous to have found the book, although it has been loosely in my brain as a book I would like to read, I have made no pursuit to actually track the book down and indulge. A quick peruse through our staffroom book share (something I do on the rarest of occasions) and there it was, smiling back at me, beckoning me with glee.

Each evening through tired and watery eyes I read. Initially the book depressed me. Agitated over my own lack of destiny. But as I allowed the parable to wallow and stew, I concluded that I do not lack a destiny - I lack courage and conviction to see myself through to the realization of a recurring dream I have had for my life for many many years. This only added to the depression!

My biggest obstacle, and I have iterated this many times inside my head, is lack . Lack of money to be specific. How many times have I said, "If I had $x, I would do x"? And over and above that excuse, there are always others that have kept me from pursuing what I want to do and what I believe I would be particularly good at.

In my mind eye I can see it in detail, smell its fragrance and hear the echo of laughter and contentment it would bring.

What struck me most from the book, is that fulfilling our destiny requires a patient commitment to do so. Our spirit needs preparation. Self-discipline needs exercised. And we need the universe to sometimes conspire on our behalf and believe in miracles great and small, in the face of extraordinary circumstances, that we were destined for success when others along the path fell short of the prize.

~~~~~~

So after a weeks worth of recycling thoughts, I find myself leading with the ideal of pursuing the destiny that is mine. For a few years, I have practically given up belief in God. Honestly, this has afforded me little favor in the happiness department. So I am committing to begin with a shifted paradigm on the god issue. I am a spark of the divine and that divinity has purpose within my being. I need to develop a relationship with a new god, one not unlike but also not the same as one I worshipped in the past.

Also, I am clearing some room for mediation - both in my heart and in my house. This will be an "intention space" (Lynne McTaggart) to explore through affirmation, abundance and attraction. This will be part of my discipline. And I am down right excited to see where this leads me. I've done this sort of thing before, but always in a very general way. This time I will be specific in my objectives and open to how my prayers (of sort) will be answered.

For now, all of the other things (which are small and insignificant) are being put on the shelf. Let's give them a chance to resolve on their own. I don't think a little spontaneous healing is too much to ask for.

Namaste.

Just something I read in a book...

"Why would a king be talking with a shepherd?" asked the boy, awed and embarrassed.

"For several reasons. But let's say that the most important is that you have succeeded in discovering your destiny."

The boy didn't know what a person's 'destiny' was.

"It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is.

"At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny."

"It's a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will, because there is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth."

"Even when all you want to do is travel? Or marry the daughter of a textile merchant?"

"Yes, or even search for treasure. The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy and jealousy. To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. All things are one.

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

They were both silent for a time.

- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

Looking Up

Taken at Wynn, Las Vegas (by me).

So here is my party update.

Lame. Very lame. A whole lot of middle age, overweight, sexually excitable not been laid in quite some time cougar chicks ready to pounce. Not pretty.

However, the night was not completely doomed. I did go to the only nightclub in town and managed to stay out until 5 am! Haven't done that since hooking up with "the gays" (truly, shaking it with the gays is the only way to club in style). I'm certain any gays in town would be fearful for their lives to visit this hang!

I did my best to learn the two step. Who knew 2 steps could be so challenging. On the upside I did have a 6 foot 3 hunk-a-hunk of burning love showing me the moves. I'm only slightly embarrassed that I stepped all over his feet. I assure you the feel of those strong hands twirling me about made my discomfort over the rhythm disappear. (Totally get why people have affairs).

Other than that, I'm back to my day job as school marm.

Please Come

This is a recent party invitation I received. Much too good not to share...

Subject: Winter party March 10

Hello everyone:

I will be having a winter party on Saturday March 10, 2007, starting at around 7:00PM at my house, (10407-107 Avenue).
Please RSVP if you think you can make it. (I forewarn the police so they know what size of paddy wagon to send over)

I will provide some whiskey and some whisky, and assorted sambuca, baileys, vodka, rum, etc, ice, and some mix. Please bring your own beer, coolers, mix. If it is cold enough we can keep the booze cold on the sundeck (the cold is better for you when it's free range) or else I will have some coolers with ice/snow.

I will also provide some food: a wide assortment of the finest (president's choice) appetizers and dipping sauces, and possibly even some nachos.

If you are a first aider or EMT, please identify yourself to the crowd upon arriving in case someone requires your assistance. Please note that I don't have defibrillator, but I do have booster cables and a battery and from what I saw on Mr. Bean, they really work well.

Children that are not born, or are under the age of two are welcome so long as you acknowledge my house has no child-safe features at all-in fact it is decidedly child-unfriendly: it has no child gates on the stairs, exposed live electrical wires, a red-hot wood stove, lead-based paint, and scattered little pieces of jagged metal (uranium 235) that would easily fit in a child's mouth.

As usual, the standard rules for my house apply: "Please note this will be a non-smoking event--as long as you're in MY house, you're living by my MY rules (something I can't wait to say to my parents).

There will be absolutely no uncivilized drunkenness, nudity, flashing, or streaking permitted. All drunkenness, nudity, flashing, and streaking must be in the utmost of good taste, so as to fit into my genteel and refined lifestyle.

Bring your own booze, no gifts allowed, no dogs allowed, and especially: no bush cats.

And from the experience at my housewarming and later parties, the rules are amended to include:
* No puking on the carpets: all puking shall be on linoleum only-descendents of sack makers take note.
* The Smith family is still prohibited from bringing any farm animals that are not fully processed into a "ready-to-barbeque" format
* The Hlewka family is banned from operating my screen door while under the influence, as the damage can be prohibitively expensive.
* No hiding, relocating, or moving of eggs, vegetables, canned goods, etc will be permitted at any time.
* Bringing canned meatballs and gravy is forbidden, even if you are from Labrador City.
* If you eat pistachios, the shells must go in the garbage, not under the couch, in my plants, etc.
* Under no circumstances is anyone (especially Fran Davis) allowed to wear anything manufactured by Speedo in a way that it could be visible to another person at the party.

Yes, I have RSVP'd.
:)

For your viewing pleasure. This song is the first release off of Jim Cuddy's solo project 'The Light That Guides You Home". Jim is lead singer for Blue Rodeo. Hope you enjoy.

Tasting.

Progression of respectable quasi-professional into emancipated self-indulged bedlam seeker after 3 hours at wine tasting party.

The digital camera might just be the worst thing to happen to a really tipsy girl. Ever.

Yee-haw. Giddy up.

Into the void.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it or because I haven't been brave?
So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?
I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.
Good night, dear void."
Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan), You've Got Mail