I have a confession. Air Supply. I can't help myself.

Tomorrow I'm off. Will post next week and let you know how it all went. Pictures to follow.

I closed the house down and said good-bye today. I didn't find it all that difficult. My memories will remain. My expectations are that the next segment of life will be very different, new challenges, new issues, new resolves.

As I pulled out of the drive I was somewhat overcome by good thoughts regarding my neighbors. The women in particular. Joanne is 44, ten years my senior. Sharon is 58, twenty-four years older than me. Both are so very different. Joanne is a workhorse. There is absolutely nothing that woman cannot do - her baking rivals Martha's, she has her own set of power tools (and is in NO way afraid to use them) and just recently drywalled the entire basement. Sharon is a kept woman married to a very successful business-man. Their whole family has their shit together in an awe-inspiring way. Sharon is the hostess with the most-est. You are always welcome and the house is spotlessly clean. We have laughed often together and shared many glasses of wine.

Yesterday they both dropped by my house at almost the same time. Joanne came in through the basement door where she helped me move scrap pieces of wood and sweep the floor in the workshop. She was in her typical garb, t-shirt, skirt and birks. Sharon came in through the patio door, dressed of course in matching capris and blouse, coordinating mani & pedi, hair done, makeup applied.

We talked for a long time, about everything and nothing. Joanne asked me what I would miss (we just finished a full blown reno of the entire house). I said "Nothing" and then I immediately said "No, that is not true, I will miss my neighbors very much."

In that same moment I realized how much I have learned from these two women about becoming a woman. They are both thoroughly themselves. I could never be either one of them - yet their example of owning their individuality has helped me to gain comfort in my own skin. They are both confident and beautiful and paint an inspired scape of growing better and wiser with the years.

I find friendships and connections manifest in surprising ways. More and more I crave the company of intelligent and compassionate women who are unafraid to experience life in all of the colors afforded us, albeit the many shades of grey. I believe in the principle of reaping and sowing. I want to plant within myself courage and joy and intuition. I want to nurture and harvest these same qualities in the people I love and who share my circle of life.

Muse-ings

Feeling inspired and I believe it shows!

I'm home - as in my hometown home, sleeping in the 'bedroom I grew up in' home. Life is changing. The house is sold and the packers come on Monday. I'm feeling so many things. Lots of joy, a bit of sadness, reflective evaluation.

Being home makes me remember things I thought I'd forgotten. School girl dreams of becoming a writer. The first boy I was sure I loved. How one summer I forgot to eat because I just couldn't be thin enough. That I never wanted to grow up and leave this place.

And then life gets in the way. And you meet yourself - or at least you arrive at a space inside your head where you're open to meeting this person and start to get a glimpse of who you just might be destined to become.

Mine is not a large life, but it is also not small. 18 years ago I could not have envisioned anything as big as what I have now. Perspective changes everything. I feel deeply appreciative for the webs of people and circumstances that have opened me up to living and choosing and just learning to be.

I spent this evening with my grandfather. He is 86. We played crib and he won every game. He has my points counted before I even have my hand layed on the table. We ate a mincemeat pie and donuts, both he made from scratch. We drank tea. And a long time from now I will remember this night.

And you see, this is the very reason I feel so blessed, so inspired. My heart is filled with nights like this. Different faces and various relations but the essence is the same. Time. Time that meant something. Time that connected me in spirit to people I love and places I have been. It might not have changed the world, but it all changed me.

Clay and Water

These days are passing over me
At the speed of light
And standing here in their shadows
I'm silenced at the sight

Like water on the wind I sense the change to come
All that I've held in like teardrops run

I am clay and I am water
Falling forward in this order
While the world spins 'round so fast
Slowly I'm becoming who I am

Nothing ever stays the same
The wheel will always turn
I feel the fire in the change
But somehow it doesn't burn

Like a beggar blessed I stumble into grace
Reaching out my hand for what awaits

I am clay and I am water
Falling forward in this order
While the world spins 'round so fast
Slowly I'm becoming who I am

~Margaret Becker

What I recall (and shall never forget) from English Lit 1001

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin, 1971

scattered thoughts

I just pulled my favorite red hoody out of the dryer, it feels so toasty. And I am back to feeling good, melancholy good, but that is okay - it is my preference. I've some how managed to let go of the craziness of the past weeks and have started living, once again, as a present participant in my own life's story.

Jeremy called tonight and sounded like himself. I am trusting that he is finally relaxing into this new life we have chosen (even though I have yet to share in it). There was sparkle back in his voice, an eagerness and accepting. I knew it would come, despite my fear of how long it might take. I miss him and that pleases me.

My eating habits have improved over the last 7 days. I love not medicating my body with self-destructive reconstituted crap. Perhaps a massage is even in order. While in NYC last week I treated myself to two Chinese foot rubs. Just in case you happen to be going there any time soon the shop is located over a Thai restaurant on 50th between 8th and 9th Ave. Let's just say it warranted trip #2! it was that good.

Yoga calls.

I am hungry to write but finding it difficult. It is not so much a loss for words but too many thoughts. Flying at me fast, furious and erratic. I am back home and yet can't settle down and focus. Perhaps I need sleep.

The house is looking great. The neighbors want to cut down two trees that separate our properties. I'm a bit saddened but will agree to it later on this afternoon. They will be replace by fence panels for privacy.

I can let them go. I'm not staying to watch them grow.