Me.

I'm not interested in Knights in Shining Armour. And I never have been. I don't desire rescuing on any level. Really, what in life could you possibly need salvation from? The experience of being alive? Then what would be the point?

wants

What are your wants. Not your needs, your wants. Above all other things, what are your heart's desires? Are they basic like food and shelter? Or something drastic like quiting your job? Running away with your best friends husband? Shopping till the car can't hold another box?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my desires. What the deepest things are that I want out of life. Sometimes, silently and secretly negotiating this for that inside my own head. Bouncing back and forth what I am willing to give up from column A in order to gain from B. Because life is like that. You can't have it all, all the time ~ mostly because there just isn't the time. I am unaware of any actual parallel universe that would permit both this life and another or another or another. Although I assure you, were it possible to experience varying paths within the constraints of this time, I would sign up.

But that leaves me asking... If a person has difficulty knowing their desires in linear time, how much more disabled would most become given the choice of paths to pursue simultaneously? Or would we become fearless, don the mantra of 'whatever happens happens, let's just live'! I'd like to think that is what I would do. But then again the decisions we make in principle aren't always the ones we choose.

Mostly I am satisfied with my life. In fact, I often experience a euphoric lightness that sometimes moves me to tears for no apparent reason, just out of thankfulness for it all. And it has been for the most part, a total surprise to me. The house I live in, the job I do, the money I make, the man I have married ~ all surreal in a way. And I probably don't appreciate them like I should. Or maybe my transparent outlook is a good thing, to just view all of these as pieces of my life puzzle but knowing the puzzle is always changing and evolving, new pictures constantly coming into view, stretching out in panorama.

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Onward, Upward

As a progressive and evolving being, man is where he is that he may learn where he may grow; and as he learns the spiritual lessons which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place to other circumstances. James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As a Man Thinketh

"Man is made or unmade by himself, in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools by which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choices and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master." James Allen from the book As A Man Thinketh

Compass Rose

I just never quite know how any of these blog entries are going to turn out until they are done! I'm prone to tangents and random turns of events. :-) But that is ok. In a way it is how I live my life so the fact that 'my' blog reflects this should come as no big surprise to me.

Summer is fully over now (at least where I live) and that is reflected both in the changing temperatures and turning leaves, but more significantly in my work. Gone are the carefree days of aimless wanderlust replaced by preparing lessons and early morning alarm clocks. Honestly, I don't mind, school keeps me grounded and focused (and truth be told I absolutely love it even on the difficult days). Plus, would summer really be as good if not for the busyness of these fall/winter months?

I'm trying to make a short list for next summer of where my travels will take me. Of course Italy is in the top 5! I envision seeing the countryside and perhaps traveling by ferry to northern Africa to the city of Tunis. Part of the grade 3 curriculum in this province includes a study of Tunisia, it would be enriching to actually travel there and take in some of the culture. I'd like to compare and contrast first hand the two places ~ both a part of the Mediterranean but one predominately Christian, the other Muslim. Also, observe (if any) the affects of two distinct continents.

Also in the top 5 is Amsterdam. One main reason is that English is so accessible in Holland and spoken by all, that and the beauty of the city with its many canals and stone bridges. It is also easy travel from there to so many other European cities. Given that I already speak some French it would be an opportunity to also visit parts of France and Belgium without communication getting in the way (something I did find frustrating while in Italy).

So far I really only have these two as part of the top 5! But I am open to suggestions! Prague, perhaps? Croatia? Spain and Portugal? Wherever I decide on, I would like to spend the majority of my time in that main country, take my time there and really get a feel for what it is like to be a citizen of that region. I also plan on going for a minimum of 4 weeks and ideally as long as 6! But Euros are much pricier than Canadian $$$s, so the exact time remains unknown at present.

It pleases me to no end that I have all of this to dream about and research over the next few months! For so long, I felt this overwhelming discontent with the undisciplined directions I was allowing my life to take. In a recent post I commented on how this summer I seemed to have gained an added measure of courage. Perhaps it is age. At 37 I can embrace not really giving so much of a shit about many things. And I have finally broken free of the self-imposed weight of others expectations, including my parents and husband. Tis good. I can accept that this new found "not giving a shit" is changing the dynamics of those relationships. But I'm going to just let that be what it is going to be.

Namaste. Fill your heart with love and appreciation for all that you are already.

Reckoning

Although today was not a perfect day it was still, a perfectly good day. Do you ever take a moment to let it dawn on you how fantastic it is just to live (even when it is shit!). Sometimes I just smile and think to myself "Damn but I love my life!" All of it.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Do you have a safety net?

“It's your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.” Peter McWilliams

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

*

The sun just set about 20 minutes ago. It went down right before my eyes. Reminded me of all the things that keep on happening without any thought or effort from me. Every single person on this earth gets to experience these gifts ~ such as the sun setting and rising, the stars in the night sky, the moon as she moves through her phases, and 10,000 other things ~ all without the price of admission. One merely has to open their eyes and acknowledge.

Maybe it is because I grew up in a small town where life moved along slowly that I remember to look for such things. Or maybe it is that I now live in Alberta where the sky is so big one can't help but take notice of her as she stretches from one flat horizon to the next. Whatever the reason, the goddess mother always seems to be near me. And I like it that way. I take comfort in a knowing that none of this needs me to get along.

And it made we wonder, is this an area where we go wrong in life? Spending our time taking on needless responsibilities for things that will continue to turn without our interference? And by putting ourselves in charge of things that need no custody, are we neglecting the deeper meaning and issues of our own essence?

These become busy work. Distracting us. Making us feel wanted and important. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I must do this!" Keeping us occupied. Filling up our days so there is no room for the other. And before you know it we've encapsulated our lives in a safety net, strung around our necks so tightly we can't untangle from the multitude of things that never needed us in the first place.

So as you travel through your life in the next few days, think about this. What things are you taking on in your world that don't actually need you? Why do you do it? Because you love it and want to? Or because it creates an escape from what you'd rather not deal with?

Namaste.

I'm Back!!!!! Thanks for Waiting :-)

Life is good, and yes... I know... I am ridiculously overdue for a blog.

I have these little moments of clarity and articulation and I think...gee that would make a great blog. Then it is interrupted and the moment is lost. So I thought, just for the sake of getting some words down on paper, I would share a few of the things for which I am currently grateful.

1. Work is wonderful. Grade 3 is so my niche du jour! This is my third year teaching this grade and I'm really finding a grove. I just had the smoothest ever start to the school year and the kids are already getting in routine, only 7 days in! Never in my life have I had work that I felt so suited for, it is like a puzzle piece you thought you'd never find and the satisfaction of putting it in place.

2. I had a wonderful summer. Yes, it was lovely to spend time in Rome but summer was great in its entirety. My mom, sister-in-law and nephews came to Alberta and we acted like tourists. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister and her beautiful little girl, Ava ~ who is a joy beyond compare. I managed to get some time in the Maritimes and reconnected with several people that were very important to me in the past. I hung out with my Grampa. Got to hear my dad preach. Although most people assume that Rome was the highlight (and it was great, no doubt about it), my whole summer was restful and blessed.

3. Finally bit the bullet and bought a new laptop. A Sony Viao, which I recommend wholeheartedly! I'm in love. Best of all, I am no longer hurling profanities at the old girl (may she RIP).

4. My heart is full of courage. This may sound strange, but it's true. In my own way I have reached a new level of freedom. It is liberating, indeed.

5. I had dinner a few weeks ago with a friend I haven't seen in years. We talked long into the night about things I generally only share here. It is nice to know that when you open yourself up to certain ways and means, they find you. In fact, they come rushing in your direction. This is a good life lesson. Make yourself a conduit for the people and experiences you want in your life and relax into it as the waters part and a path appears. I'm certain that my life in this moment is a reflection of this. Allow the flow.

I hope that life is finding you well. And if it isn't... question why.

Namaste. A