emerging

i keep taking these deep breathes and holding them in my chest for a bit just to savour them.  my awareness of the air around me has changed.  i can feel things riding, floating, finding their way to me.  it is quite effortless apart from my observation of the invisible.

amazingly i have managed to turn myself right-side out.  as though all my internal twisting and morphing and knotted thinking has come to a conclusion of this particular phase.  the reflection is different even though the body from everyone else's eyes still looks more or less the same.

for such a long time it was about letting go.  letting go of all the things that no longer serve me.   i have succeeded.  the allowing is to begin.  to open up to the parts that do serve me.  that rocket me along into the fullness of living.  we are here for joy.  for understanding.  for courage to find ourselves among the stories being played out by the lives through whom we embed ourselves.

Opening the Heart Chakra

For the yogi, everything is yoga.  Yoga is life.  I think this becomes the normal way of thinking for the person who sees themselves as a yogi.  Yoga is no longer a series of poses or asanas but rather a way of living your life.  The ideals of enlightenment become your approach to the circumstances you encounter.

Tonight, in my first class as an instructor, our lesson will focus on opening up the Heart chakra.  The Heart represents the fourth of the seven body chakras.  It is the balancing point, a fulcrum of sorts, between the the material world and our inner/spiritual world.  It is a bridge that connects our survival instincts to our ideals of knowing who we truly are and finding our purpose for living.  It is in this chakra that we begin to connect to peace and seek harmony in our lives.

The Sanskrit word for the Heart is Anahata.  In its literal translation it means unstruck or unhurt.  So, despite the fact that we all suffer and endure personal pain, the heart still has this immeasurable capacity for love.  Sometimes out of unconscious self-preservation we try to shut this chakra down, which only serves to create more suffering because the true nature of the heart is to love.

The element associated with the Heart chakra is Air.  I find this so sublime because love like air wants to fill up all of the spaces inside of us.  It will take on the shape of its vessel and at the same time cannot be contained.  Through breathing (pranayama) the Heart is strengthened and toned.  But one must bring a deliberateness to the act of breathing.  It must be deep and you should mediate from time to time on the beauty and significance of this chakra.

In yogic practice, the Heart is considered to be feminine.  The feminine in all of us yearns to release and let go of the temporal aches and pains and disappointments in this life.  The very act of breathing can enable this release to take place, to massage our hearts and enlarge our ability to love not only others but also ourselves.

Set aside a few moments to shut out the world.  Bring your hands together in prayer position.  You will find that your thumbs fit nicely against your sternum. Bow your head to your heart and begin to breathe steadily and easy.  Deepen as you go.  Feel the inhalation and exhalation in your belly.  Pay attention to the beating rhythm, you will soon begin to feel it throughout your entire body.  Give thanks to your Heart for its continued work, you really do owe it your life.

Namaste.

There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of the heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.

Look within.
Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.

Dhammapada

Rooms & Revolving Doors

I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Dialogue from House, M.D. season 3

I've been giving much thought and attention to the idea of Intentions. My life is changing. And for the time being I feel as though I have successfully navigated through the initial fear of moving forward and into uncharted waters. Working through this fear has required a new spiritual commitment and trust in things unseen.

I have been reminding myself of instances in the past where I willed something to happen and it happened. When I was young I had an unfailing belief in my ability to manifest the things I wanted. I never discussed this with anyone - I regarded it as a sort of magical ability. Once, I confided in a friend of a certain boy I was interested in. Her response was that he was WAY out of my league. Without so much as another word to this friend, I put my mind to having this boy ask me out - within 6 weeks he asked me out and we dated for several months.

The strange thing is that this boy has been very near and dear to my heart since the first time I took notice of him in the high school gym - but in too many years to count, I have only seen him once. With the exception of this one meeting (he was with his wife and kids -he is since divorced - and I was with my mother and I scurried away like a scared rabbit) we have had numerous 'almost' encounters. Whenever I am home, I run into members of his immediate family all the time, but never him. Consequently, he runs into my immediate family on a fairly regular bases!

I've always felt as though we have an unfinished history. Like there is a cosmic loop that remains open between us. In the past I have filed this under school girl unrequited love, but in all honesty I am well past puppy crushes - on some level of consciousness I feel compelled to see him and find out how he is. While we dated I felt incredibly connected to him, different from other 'boyfriend' relationships I had had. After we broke up, there were numerous 'almost back together' moments that never materialized. (I don't' ever recall setting my intention for us to get back together) I always felt as though he 'got me' on a level most overlooked. I confided in him on the dreams I had for my life, and did not feel foolish in doing so. It was like he could somehow hear the things I did and didn't say and understood perfectly. I wonder if, when my thoughts are tuned to him, if his are also somehow tuned to me - and if that is what gives them so much strength, as though these thoughts have a mind and will of their own so very many years later. And then again, there is that insecure girl who discounts this all as lucid dreaming in my own little wishful thinking world.

I'm not looking for love and I don't believe that my thoughts are connected to reviving an old flame. But somewhere in this is an answer to a question not quite formulated. I feel as though it has been building for years and perhaps I am just now able to grasp and explore the significance of what it is and means - I might even find that it means nothing and that in and of itself will be beneficial.

Years ago when I first intended him into my life it was through willful thought. I am going to embark upon these same waters and see where this leads. My aunt once shared with me her thoughts on prayer - that when she would pray for the people she loved she imagined her intentions for those people as bits of energy that were able to go directly to the source of where they would effect. I find this such a beautiful visual. I am sending out my Intentions in the same spirit and for the highest good of all.

Expansion Bridges

Funny how things go and the way thoughts float through my head... but little fragments of this were strong enough to prompt me to look it up today:

Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

verse 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

I am struck by this - fill my mind and meditate on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, the beautiful, full of praise. If I practice these things, what I see, hear and learn from others, so long as they are in accordance with good things, will lead me into excellent harmonies and vibrations.

We cannot exist in two frequencies - either we are opening and expanding, which really means we are allowing things to move through us and hence letting them go OR we are closing and making ourselves an obstacle - whether to our own success or others. I know we all have stressors in our lives, and perhaps we must willingly let some of these things come to an end.

But don't forget to breathe - remember who you are, and that you are NOT these things, you just happen to be facilitating them in your life at the present moment. If Anxiety is rolling off of you at night in waves, know that you always have the power to choose the eyes through which you see the world.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,

but that we wait so long to begin it. -- Anonymous

Flight Patterns

Abundance is not something we acquire.

It is something we tune into.
~Wayne Dyer

For several days now I have been setting aside some time to meditate and think on qualities I wish to strengthen and/or cultivate in my life. Depending on the day and the challenges it presents, clearing my mind of random thoughts or concerns can either be very easy or very difficult. Some days the weight of the world seems heavier and releasing the weight an act of heroism.

Miss K (who has now been living with us for 6 weeks) has been presenting her challenges. I question what it is I need to learn. Funny, what she needs to learn is clearly evident to me! But when I get right down to it, her lessons become translated into my lessons - and although mine are different from hers, proportionally they are as difficult.

Yesterday, in a moment of reflection I emailed this to my mom:

Mom,

Today I want to thank you for the love and care you have given to me over 35 years. I feel immeasurable gratitude and love toward you and dad for the all encompassing standards and values you modeled and instilled in me throughout the years.

You are an incredibly wise woman who has taught me to guard and respect the sacredness of my very self. This has served me well. And it has enabled me to make decisions that are not always popular but are necessary for my own protection.

angela
xo

I rarely email Mom and as soon as I sent it all I could think is "boy that came out of left field"!
And this is how she responded.

Hi My DEAR,

Choice is not easy, nor a thing to explain, but one must live with it (them). God loves YOU and understands all things that are you. Do not allow fear to take your choices from you. Love you dearly and with much support.

Always, Mom

When I read this, I was sitting alone in my classroom during recess. And for the next several minutes I was awash in tears that refused to slow down and took all my mascara with them. And all the anger I had been feeling toward Miss K and consequently myself, dissolved. I was able to find that connection inside that grounds us to the divide between what is and what is not important.

It is in this space that I would like to live my life. Easier said than done.

Despite having always had healthy self-esteem, I think one of my lessons might just be in regard to acceptance, of myself and others. Here are a few of the things that have struck a chord of late. (I found these on the Internet somewhere).

1. My worth is unchangingly positive because it is my spiritual inheritance. It is not increased
by my success nor decreased by my mistakes.

2. I love and forgive myself totally for all of my mistakes.

3. I now realize that I have total worth and value as a person whether I learn my lessons in life or not!

4. I am the light, not the lampshade over the light.

5. I am the master of my life. I choose to be my best friend instead of my own worst enemy.

6. Life is beautiful.

Gratitude. Thanksgiving. Appreciation. Praise. Joy. Unfolding. Directing. Thought. Growth. Addressing. Confessing. Answer. Claim. Accept. Action. Responsibility. Forgiving. Favor. Grace. Love. Full. Empty. Blessed.

I think there is nothing more rewarding than doing the inner work!

It has been a week of troughs and peaks. I found myself extremely tired and unable to shake the general feeling of fatigue, despite sleeping 8-9 hours each night. When work ended on Friday I collapsed in a puddle on the couch and could not get up (save but to actually go to bed).

Also, it was an emotional week (the tired ones always are) with thoughts of leaving on my mind and where and when that will take me. I have a wonderful support in my beloved auntie Clara, my sister and Laura, my dear friend. Yet, I hesitated to burden them too greatly with ideas I myself am having difficulty reconciling. Their probes did not necessarily bring me to answers but did give me charters upon which to meditate.

And, meditate I did. I found myself challenged by some interesting coincidences. Perhaps I would have thought nothing of these nuances had I not read The Alchemist this week. It was serendipitous to have found the book, although it has been loosely in my brain as a book I would like to read, I have made no pursuit to actually track the book down and indulge. A quick peruse through our staffroom book share (something I do on the rarest of occasions) and there it was, smiling back at me, beckoning me with glee.

Each evening through tired and watery eyes I read. Initially the book depressed me. Agitated over my own lack of destiny. But as I allowed the parable to wallow and stew, I concluded that I do not lack a destiny - I lack courage and conviction to see myself through to the realization of a recurring dream I have had for my life for many many years. This only added to the depression!

My biggest obstacle, and I have iterated this many times inside my head, is lack . Lack of money to be specific. How many times have I said, "If I had $x, I would do x"? And over and above that excuse, there are always others that have kept me from pursuing what I want to do and what I believe I would be particularly good at.

In my mind eye I can see it in detail, smell its fragrance and hear the echo of laughter and contentment it would bring.

What struck me most from the book, is that fulfilling our destiny requires a patient commitment to do so. Our spirit needs preparation. Self-discipline needs exercised. And we need the universe to sometimes conspire on our behalf and believe in miracles great and small, in the face of extraordinary circumstances, that we were destined for success when others along the path fell short of the prize.

~~~~~~

So after a weeks worth of recycling thoughts, I find myself leading with the ideal of pursuing the destiny that is mine. For a few years, I have practically given up belief in God. Honestly, this has afforded me little favor in the happiness department. So I am committing to begin with a shifted paradigm on the god issue. I am a spark of the divine and that divinity has purpose within my being. I need to develop a relationship with a new god, one not unlike but also not the same as one I worshipped in the past.

Also, I am clearing some room for mediation - both in my heart and in my house. This will be an "intention space" (Lynne McTaggart) to explore through affirmation, abundance and attraction. This will be part of my discipline. And I am down right excited to see where this leads me. I've done this sort of thing before, but always in a very general way. This time I will be specific in my objectives and open to how my prayers (of sort) will be answered.

For now, all of the other things (which are small and insignificant) are being put on the shelf. Let's give them a chance to resolve on their own. I don't think a little spontaneous healing is too much to ask for.

Namaste.