Rilke

I love the dark hours of my being,

My minds deepens into them.

There I can find the days of my life,

as in old letters, already lived, 

and held like a legend, and understood.

...

Then the knowing comes.

Fall, Winter, Spring

I'm so in love with life right now!  It seems to be overflowing me in every direction.  I feel full of joy and am constantly bubbling with excitement... and I can't articulate the exact reasons why!  But part of me is plugged into an amazing frequency that is making my whole self vibrate with optimism and glee.

Nine months from today will be June 27, 2011.  This school year will be complete at that time.  NO, I'm not wishing my time away.  In fact I am enjoying everyday and feeling very present in these moments.  Perhaps when you know things are coming to a close, you can slow yourself down just a little bit more than your usual to enjoy them.  One thing for certain is that 9 months is not a long time!

I don't know exactly where life is taking me.  But I know I want to go.

She said.  

Tonight.

The thing about drinking too much wine is that it takes a while to kick in.  And by that time, it is far too late!  Why must it feel like such a good and sophisticated idea in the beginning?  And why oh why am I such  a slow learner...?

Ease.

Life is chalked full of interesting possibilities and coincidences.  And it seems once you start moving in the direction of some of those possibilities, coincidences start piling up like your favorite ice cream flavors on a homemade waffle cone!

Be completely in love with your life.  Recognize the parts that bring you joy and name them.  Say them out loud with a grateful heart.  Find within them the energy that heals you.

Don't expect it to be easy.  In the thing you want the most (it's obviously not easy or you'd already have it to enjoy now) you have to open yourself up to receiving.  This takes courage.

Whenever I'm in a yoga pose I find especially challenging, I try to find that spot where I can let it be easy, the place where I love the pose so much that my body cooperates and surrenders. Usually I find it in the breath, the moment I decide to just be and allow the world to swallow me up with its beauty.

Energy

In the last month I can see that I've opened up to new energy currents.  I've know for some time that they were there, waiting in the wing, but it was as though they waited on the other side of a divide I had no access to cross.  Until recently.  I'm sure that in some capacity I will be blogging about it often in the months to come.  At the very least eluding to the ways I feel these new energies changing me and the possibilities that are coming into view.

For some time my 5th chakra, the throat chakra has been giving me grief.  Late in the summer, just before returning back to Alberta from summer holidays, I went to see an intuitive channeler.  Apart from my name and birth date (information given to her by my aunt prior to my visit), we had never met and she knew nothing of me.  To my great pleasure the first thing she spoke of (within 60 seconds of my reading) was a need to open around and in the throat.

She told me that the 5th chakra is seeking to expand my voice box to grow.  And as my soul essence works and blends with my human self, its focus is the throat and that I have been reflected in my language more than I have been realizing in my life up until now.  As I thought about the types of writing you are prone to find here in my little blog, I decided that she was/is exactly right.  My written language especially, finds expression in things here that I have not made space for in daily life.  They make up my interior landscape but are yet to be seen on the outer.

Since returning I've given a great deal of contemplation to this chakra.  (Among a host of other things!)  And realized that part of opening up would require a new direction of truth.  I'll just say that it is a truth I've feared for so long I've stopped counting the years.  When I got home, it was as though it was impossible to keep up such facades any longer.  In fact, maintaining the status-quo was causing me physical illness.

My beliefs in the mind/body connection are strong.  And truth, has this way of finding its own platform to be heard on.  I know that it is directly linked to the many coincidences and synchonicities that have been sliding in and out of my vision lately.  One being these energy currents that are at work on my behalf and effortlessly moving me forward.

I feel a gratification for these present moments and the future.  And it is stemming straight out of truth-telling and the wondrous joyfulness that floods your heart when you let go of fear and do the thing your higher self has been pestering you to do.

This amazing intuitive woman whispered many things about myself to me.  This is just one small piece of the package she gifted me with.  But what I learned most importantly from the experience is that my own intuition is sound and strong and I need to give serious credence to this aspect of me!   It is incredibly freeing to think about the future with knowledge of all of the guides and energies that are available to me and working on my behalf to direct my path.

Finding

I have long been in search of FREEDOM.  I really like what this has to say.

She said.

I've decided to open my other blog back up.  :)  So thanks for being patient while I was on a temporary shutdown.  Also, my url has changed.... just in case you were one of  the amazing people who has me bookmarked!  Peace.  She said.  

With Thanks

This week I had my grade 3 students start a Gratitude journal.  And they are so adorably on board that it makes my heart sing when I watch them concentrating on the things that they are thankful for and brings them joy.  To model the way I want their journals to look, I myself have been making a 5 part list on the board each day and leaving it there.

And really, it is the simple things in life that form the foundation of our happiness.  I'm thankful for breakfast and clean water to drink.  Hot showers.  Epsom salts for my bath.  A dash of cereal cream for my coffee.  A full tank of gas to get me to and fro.  Yoga pants.  Family.  Friends.  Comfortable shoes... there is an infinitely long list of things for which I am grateful.  And it feels good to think on these things.

 Fix your thoughts on what is true, 

and honorable, and right, and pure, 

and lovely, and admirable. 

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Philippians 4:8

Last night, Laura and I went out for some girlfriend time.  And while we were together, talking and eating fat laden food and drinking blue martinis, I was so grateful for our time even as it was happening.  We've been the kind of friends that endure, that can make it through the rough patches, that randomly say "I love you" and mean it deeply.  

Her mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers in the spring and has deteriorated quickly, recently having been hospitalized and now temporarily in a nursing home awaiting a permanent placement.  Nancy is only 62 years old and her life has been stolen.  She's trapped in times and places from long ago.  And her situation makes me both profoundly sad for my dear friend and her family as well as eternally grateful for the gift of life NOW.  A reminder to not squander it on things that don't matter.  To not let it be consumed without regard for what I want out of life. 

Someone asked me this summer what I want out of life.  I think I said something like I want more life.  I want to experience it fully.  I want to become in a sense transparent, so open to it all that it flows through me with an endless sense of joy and opening.  And I'm pretty close to that.  I am feeling and experiencing it at an increasing rate.  And gratitude just swings the door wider.  Sets a welcome mat for everything I want.  

Laura wanted to know what has changed with me.  She told me that I'm different since coming back from the summer away.  More like my old self.  More like the me she met too many years ago to count.  I smiled at her across the table.  Happy that she is keenly aware of all my subtleties.  And I have changed.  And am so grateful for my ever evolving spirit.

Crossing Over

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.  Lauren Brown.

Love

Love.  Have you thought much about the way it is at play in your life?  Or are you too busy to give it even a fleeting moment of your time?

Perhaps I have been pondering on the subject too much of late, but deep down I doubt that is possible.  Because love should be the very foundation of what we are achieving in this go around the sun.  The Oracle at which we bow down and give thanks.  The creative force that moves us forward on every level of our being.  The platform for change and acceptance and the betterment of ourselves.

One thing I am certain of is that we don't have enough words for love in the English language.  Love, in my opinion, is not a one-size-fits-all word.  Because it can and should mean so many different things, we need more than just one word to describe such varying relationships in our lives.  It seems the best we can do right now is interchange like and lust.  But still, those just don't seem good enough.

When I'm open, I'm in love.  So to me, opening is a substitution word that holds equivalent power.  When I'm open, I allow.  So allowing is also love.  Allowing is my choosing.  Allowing is me opening the door of who I am.  Allowing is an invitation to you from the very depths of me.  And if we are in the right time and place, perhaps you and I, under a spell of magic, will be opening and allowing to each other ~ the intimate touching of souls, a deep expression of all that love is and represents.

But we still need more words.  Because sometimes I will want to open as a friend and other times as a lover.  My "love you's" are expressions of me, not you.  You must choose and allow your own "love you's" to be heard and understood in a language that matches the feelings of your own heart.  Perhaps I will love you like I love my favorite sweater, or movie, or best friend.  Or maybe, I will love you in ways I have yet to even know love myself.

To live in a state of love, is to be in this moment.  I cannot choose my love for tomorrow.  And although I can still feel the reverberations of yesterday's love, it needs to be continually fed.  So you need to learn to feed it yourself.  So self-care and feel your own love when it doesn't come freely from those around you.  In fact, feed it within yourself even when it does come freely from others.  Find it in the gratitude you have of every lovely and beautiful thing that moves in and out of the boundary of your life.  And let those boundaries expand.   Allow them to move out and over different kinds of terrain.  Bring your appreciation into finding the goodness of all things.  See the perfection of our imperfections.  Strengthen your heart.  Meditate on its rhythm.  Feel it beat inside your chest as you tune out the distractions of the world. Breathe yourself with the harmony of all things that bring joy and peace.  This too is love.  This too is love.  

I just came back from the most incredible summer of experiencing many different types and capacities of love.    And more profound than the experience, the observation of such.  To know that as I felt, I also had knowledge of the feelings.  Love is a feeling.  A feeling that shakes the branches of our proverbial tree.  Causes the leaves to reach heavenward and the roots to grow strong and deep in the earth.  Stretches us out in all directions.  And brings about such lovely fragrant ripened fruit, that our desire is to share and give to those that mingle in our orchard.

Sharing my love with you.  On this day.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


A heartfelt thanks to my friend Terri at Windlost for introducing me to Mary Oliver.  Love this!

The Summer Day

My amazing friend sent me this poem, said she thought of me when she read it.  I think it is perfection.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Adventures in Food

Scotland...  Today my friend and I got soaked to the bone walking through a 17th century graveyard in Glasgow.  We worked up enough of an appetite to get a little more adventurous with the pub food... yup... haggis and lamb meat pie.

Thinking that I'm more of a Mediterrean traveling kinda girl.

Tomorrow we are on to Inverness (northern Highlights) and in search of Nessie.

Turning Tides

His voice was heavy with sarcasm. So much so that it was impossible to trust the words he said. The undertone of frustration and annoyance, that to his credit he tried to conceal, negated anything resembling the peace offering that he was currently making.

It's difficult to counter that kind of contempt, she thought. So she opted for silence. At least until she could detect that his high-wire emotions were beginning to wear thin. Knowing him, she knew his anger would not be sustained for long. Hell, he was after all attempting an apology. Not a good one, but just the same she appreciated the effort and knew it was more than she deserved. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, pleased she had not thrown fuel on his flames.

Soon the bluster of fury came to an end. The tempo changed and they both held onto the silence for a moment.

“I love you baby” she whispered into the phone. And those words seemed to ring so true in that moment it was hard to hold onto anything else.

“Me too. I love you too.” And it was impossible to imagine that anything in the world could keep them apart.

Greater than the Moon

They sat in the shadow of the full moon's light. And when she looked up it was ringed by a prism halo, spilling colours that were generally difficult to see in the dark. And it shone so bright the other stars forgot to shine.

“Do you ever wonder how we made it this far?” His hand tightened around hers and he pulled her in a little closer. Knowing she was prone to asking existential questions, he hesitated to give an answer. “Yes” he finally acknowledged, as though that one word might be enough when in reality he had no idea what she was probing for.

“Really? Cause I have no clue!” And with that she laid herself out across his lap, hugging his knees to her chest. “But somehow we did it. All these years and here we are.”

He kissed her on the forehead, lingering for just an extra second to smell her hair. And he wondered, albeit to himself, how the gods had chosen him to love her. Somewhere, somehow he expected there must be a plan greater than the moon.

Running

It rained for most of today but is now clearing quickly and the air is drying out in a hurry. Right at this moment the grass and trees still have that dewy wet vibrancy but the sky is hopefully blue beyond them.

Earlier, I ran for what felt like an eternity along the old train tracks, well beyond the bridge. It just felt so good I couldn't seem to stop. The air was heavy and saturated on my skin. a smile welled from deep in me and I laughed out loud at just how ridiculous it was to be all alone on this little path, sailing with the wind and sensing that not even the lotto could have enticed me to do something different. I think I might be happiest for my overwhelming wonder in all of this.

Of course you were there with me. I laughed because your ghost steps were unable to keep up with mine, but you did your best to shadow me anyway. We continued our conversation. I reassured you that it is okay to feel uncomfortable, dare I say... afraid even. Too much vulnerability takes its toll, trust me I know. You immediately postured that you're NOT afraid, with that devil may care smile and ego taller than the Trump building on 5th Ave (I've been there and it's as soaring as they say but still impossible to imagine while having lived a life so close to the ground). I had to stop for just a bit to catch my breath, because I was once again laughing at your expense, in that deeply familiar sort of way we all want to be loved and accepted.

You scowled and kissed me. As though to teach me a lesson. At least that is what I hoped you might have done...

Imagined

stolen away

hidden pieces

that I sometimes wish

could not be seen

and yet could

remain

visible, transparent

unlocked with my smile

beguiling,

innocence long lost

a word

a touch

intertwined

undone

Walking

One thing I do a lot of when I'm home is walk. I can't seem to get enough, even though I take the same path every time. Today I wandered through the cemetery. This is the headstone of my great-grandfather. Sadly his first wife, Laura, my grandfather's mother died of the plague when he was just a little boy. Sadly, Evelyn, I'm told was not much for cuddling. And wouldn't you know, she outlived them all!

My grandparents are at rest beneath this stone. Art was always "Art" and she was my Nanny. I still miss them both and often expect to open the kitchen door and find Art sitting on the woodshed steps, smoking his pipe.

The old train bridge which is now part of a trail system.

This is the school my mom has been principal at for the last 5 years. This was its last year in operation. No word yet as to what this building will become next.

And last but not least, our family home. It was build somewhere between 1882 and 1887. For years it was white with a red roof. My mother courageously changed it a couple of years ago to this, and I think this is what it should have been all along. The veranda is a great place to sit and ponder! Which the Mitchell's have now been doing for a little over a hundred years.

At Home

I'm home. Last night I enjoyed playing around with my camera, watching the shadows and setting sunlight reflecting in shallow pools of water. There is a contentedness in me that gets recharged here. I carry it to other places, but this is the root. This is where it springs from.

A self-portrait from the rocks.

This just might be up there with the best photo I've ever been in the right place at the right time to take! Love love love the clouds on the water. As a kid I couldn't wait for the low water so I could dance on the exposed rocks, jumping from one to another as far out into the river as possible without getting my feet wet.

When I was twelve, I swore this bank was 25 feet hight (now I'm quite certain it is closer to 12 ~ LOL) and I would scale it like Mt. Everest. I want to live on permanent vacation. At least until I'm sick of it. :)