Pain

So not wanting to do things in half measures, I hired a personal trainer. We started yesterday. Today I can barely climb the stairs. But it feels good to hurt a little/ a LOT.

Run Run Away

I'm declaring it publicly. I'm training for the May 10k. And hope to hell that this takes the edge off just a bit!!!!!

Adventure.

so after that last potty mouth post (thank you, Lyn!), here is what I've concluded...

I am in need of adventure.

a thing I both love and hate about myself (in nearly equal proportions) is that I crave change. and change for me reads like adventure. probably because when I make changes they're not about the color of my socks or hair. they're more like quitting my job and moving provinces. I'm counting on you dear blog reader to be able to recognize the myriad of downsides to this!

when I was a kid my overwhelming desire was to be an acrobat that spun up and down on those long bedsheets, swinging above the crowd with grace and freedom. I later realized the unattractive part of that plan was the traveling with the circus ~ not that many of those people floss. But in my core, even as a small child I identified so strongly with what that represented ~ me doing what others thought of as the impossible, the ridiculous, the daring.

I've been at this place many times before. I've quit many job. They were all tediously boring jobs and even now I can recall the release of those endorphins! Once, in an effort to combat this demon I went back to school and had an almost-so-close-I-could-taste-him affair. But I found out that it wasn't about him.

I recognize this time, accepting myself as the grown-up I've become, now being in my 38th year... is that every time this insatiable need for speed happened... I was BORED and looking for ADVENTURE. And I didn't have the ovaries to call it what it was. This time is different. Even though I'm still bored and technically in the same place ~ figuratively speaking. I'm calling it forth. Calling it what it is. Even though for a bit it masqueraded as other things. Has taken some time to unmask myself (do I have so many I forget which ones are mine?).

But now the beast has been looked in the eye. Frankly we're having a bit of a stare-down via v the mirror. Either way, I win. Right?

Reflecting.

This is the part I find ironic.

When we are young we can't wait to become adults so that we can choose to do what we want to do when we want to do it.

You become an adult. The above rarely happens.

I'm in need of some bad decision making. Just for the hell of it. Just to liven things up a bit. Being a responsible adult is highly overrated.

Today I feel like saying fuck it. A lot. So far I haven't actually fucked-it. Because I am so fucking responsible. Fuck. Truth... I have no idea what I want to fuck. But I still want to. Yes, I am such a complex being. Don't worry about me. My problems are minuscule and primarily self-created.

Question

Is there any opponent more dangerous than our own ego?

Mine apparently wants to battle to the death.

Smile :)

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach the hole and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

The first hunter says "There's an old automobile transmission over here by the bushes, give me a hand and we'll throw it in the hole and see."

So they pick up the old transmission and carry over to the hole and count one, two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, a goat comes crashing through the brush, runs up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jumps in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the heck was going on, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago when a goat came running out of them bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "Why that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

Seasons & Time

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.

~ Ecclesiastics 3 ~

For a bit now, I've been considering taking a year off from work. Thinking about it to the point that it is making me a little mental. One hour I'm "yes, yes, yes, do it" and the next I'm making a list of all the reasons that I can't or should at the very least put it off for one more year.

On the way home today with spring so clearly in the air I couldn't help but consider the seasons. Before all of the modern niceties that we enjoy (you know ~ central heating, indoor plumbing, electricity) peoples lives were cyclical. They were in cadence with the seasons and moon cycles. Man's work fluctuated with the calendar and priority was always on survival.

I'm happy that my life does not revolve around having to meet the bare necessities. However, I do think that we've lost a certain circadian heartbeat with nature. Our bodies still hold the DNA of our forefathers, who would never have been able to accept the lifestyle we now lead. Locking ourselves indoors, in small rooms with self-imposing deadlines for work that is more or less meaningless. How is it that we have collectively agreed to this as our way of life? Even more, how is that we've agreed we should do it 50 weeks out of every year?

Honestly, I've never been that good at holding down a job. I'm restless and have commitment issues.

Teaching is the best job I've ever been privileged to do. And it is important work. For some kids all of their stability is found at school. And the world is in need of teachers that can both clearly teach them the academic things they need AND be a person of great character and compassion. Making them feel loved and appreciated for what they can give back as citizens, regardless of their life circumstances. In my mind, most of the important stuff that happens in our schools have nothing to do with academics. But academics seem to be the glue ~ or maybe it is the other way around. Sometimes I lose myself in the loop.

There are days when I feel like in the cosmic scheme of things, teaching chose me and not the other way around. And, for as much joy as it can bring, it equally tears at your heart and sanity. Most would be surprised at the level of energy required to make a day happen and make it look easy. Sometimes I am so busy giving to my work life that having any other kind of life exhausts me just from thinking about it. Most days it is out of balance ~ as much as I love it and feel made for it, often it is just too much. Causing all the other parts to suffer. Which saddens me.

I still don't know what my final decision will be. The deadline is looming for March 31st. When I came home with Ecclesiastics 3 on my mind, I was comforted by its meditation on time. We need different things from life at different times, and we always have.

~ I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. ~

Welcome to the Isle of Sark

The way I stumbled onto the whole idea of visiting the Channel Islands was from the book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I briefly wrote about it here. Before I even finished reading the book I had already lined up several of my friends telling them they had to read it! Seriously, I shoved it down their throats and said "If you don't read it we will can no longer be friends". It was from the love of this book (and the subject matter of course) that I decided wanting to belong to a book club wasn't good enough any more ~ so I social media'd us up a book club ~ there are things for which facebook is absolutely priceless. :) PS ~ I've yet to hear a bad review on this book, but it is possible these lovely people are a tad bit afraid of me and my evangelical like enthusiasm.

So the whole time I was reading (and falling nostalgically in love with the heroine and countryside) I kept thinking how amazing it would be to visit Guernsey. In fact, I was considering how absolutely fabulous it would be to visit all the places that I fall in love with through a book. What a way to travel the world with no possible chance of losing inspiration (not that I ever would).

Admittedly, when I started thinking in this way I only knew the name of one of the islands. Guernsey. Obviously. There are in fact 4 main islands and few uninhabited ones.

Sark is the smallest. About 3 miles long and half that wide ~ boasting 40km of coastline. Cars are not permitted on the island so people get around by carriage, bicycle or foot. There are about 600 permanent residents. Sark is a self-governing Crown Dependency which interestingly enough means it is not part of the European Union or the United Kingdom.

In the meantime go here: www.sark.info Along the menu bar it says Guide 2010. Check it out! I'm in love. I'm already wondering how I'm going to tear myself away when it is time to leave.

PS ~ I stole this picture off the same website. The quality is terrible but I think you get the idea.

Summer

Well there is still a mountain of planning on the near horizon BUT... my friend and I have decided on a tour of France and the Channel Islands ~ Guernsey and Jersey ~ for this summer's adventure. And now I can't stop smiling.

Life is good. Now to brush up on conjugating those verbs. Oh my! And, um, you know... lose 10 lbs and get super fit.

No pressure.

Let Go

10th Verse

Carrying body and soul,

and embracing the one

can you avoid separation?

Can you let your body become

as supple as a newborn child's?

In the opening and shutting of heaven's gate,

can you play the feminine part?

Can you love your people

and govern your domain

without self-importance?

Giving birth and nourishing;

having, yet not possessing;

working, yet not taking credit;

leading without controlling or dominating.

One who heeds this power

brings the Tao to the very earth.

This is the primal virtue.

~~~~~~~~

"Let go of your identification with your stuff and with your accomplishments. Try instead to enjoy what you do and all that flows into your life simply for the pleasure of doing and observing the flow itself. You literally own nothing and no one: All that is composed will decompose; All that is yours will leave and become someone else's. So step back a bit and allow yourself to be an observer of this world of form. Becoming a detached witness will put you into a state of bliss, while loosening your tight grip on all off your possessions. It is in this releasing process that you'll gain the freedom to live out what the Tao is always teaching by example."

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Commentary on the 10th Verse of the Tao

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

Update

I'm done. The week has ended. A good week, but I must confess that I stretched it out every where I could. What I'm saying is that during the afternoons we did a lot of art (art is good ~ don't get me wrong here) ... interrupted only by impromptu "Gee kiddies, now seems like a great time to go outside!!!" I needed fun to counter all of this body drama I've been experiencing.

The sugar withdrawal is over. Headache has receded. My body is pretty appreciative of the reduced calorie loading. It has felt good to be in this kind of denial. To get that deep in your belly gnawing, like you haven't fed the beast in hours, has soul strengthening effects. Just for the hell of it I've decided to continue on for next week.

Tonight I'm going to fill the tub and languor there until the hot water tank goes cold. Oh to have such decadence at my fingertips!

Work and Play

It is a perfect weather day! So in honor of it, I took my kids (students) sledding. We had such a time! All that could be heard was laughter and the odd shriek ~ big smiles all around. I have to admit, I'm pretty in love with my little class. They're characters and they just plain and simply make me happy!

sweet release

sometimes I just want to curl up inside my blog. lay in the grass beneath that tree on a dark night and watch the stars, finding myself in some far off astral plane. forget the world. and take you with me. make mad love. dance with fireflies.

where there are no limits at all. no complications. and it all just feels like peace and love. no repercussions. no hurt. only immediacy. no future plans. only this moment. only us.

and I could say everything I've ever wanted to say. free flowing honesty. confession. white truth. all these words that bubble inside like a hot spring. and you could do the same. the good and the bad would run from us like a stream collecting snow melt ~ and just maybe we would melt a little too.

and when we were finished... we could wipe the slate clean. or not. and move on. or not. counting the moments till we'd once again meet beneath that tree.

Love

i love it when i feel connected. like a current runs through me, runs through everything. it is always there but you have to seek out the vibration ~ you have to tune into and let it be the pulse that moves you.

it is a pulse you have to want to feel ~ to get there takes some quiet, some solitude.

last night i went to bed feeling it. and woke up with such gratitude in my heart. i listened to my sleep music long into the night and it gave me this serene sense of the world, like i was held in invisible threads, webs strong like kevlar.

even though, in the great scheme of things, i am a small being. in the great scheme of things, I am all things.

"if you want more love, why don't you say so" John Mayer

Raw

"If your everyday life seems poor don't blame it; blame yourself.

Admit to yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches;

because for the creator there is no poverty and no indifferent place."

Rainer Maria Rilke

Yes, yes, I know! I know! ~ She's back on the Rilke bandwagon and you're all cringing in your seats! So this is all I'm going to say (for now)...

Rilke lived from his heart and he had a special gift for seeing the world as it was in all of its glorious confusion and complications. He didn't try to pretty it up or mask what he thought was truth. He lived unapologetically and in some regards beyond the boundaries of himself.

He didn't mind that life was at times raw. He was as content in the pain as in the bliss. The duality of all things did not go amiss on this man.

So live as though there is no indifferent place. And as though we are all beautiful just because we are, because we exist, because we breathe, because our lives are an (at times) incomprehensible journey. And with your whole heart, strive to be the poet calling forth its riches.

City Finds

Thought I would share a few of the goodies I found in the city.

The tree at the back is the Tree of Life. The artist makes these from recycled 45 gallon oil drums. I bought it at the trade show for our conference, it is a piece of fair trade art from Haiti. Once I find the perfect spot for it, I'll re-photograph it so you can see the intricate details, so beautiful!

It looks like there are 4 books here but really there are only three. Push, Wicked and Eat, Pray, Love are all for my book club. I've been wanting to read the latter since it came out but it has just kept getting set on the back burner ~ so happy I now have some peer pressure to help me get it done! Push is the novel that the movie Precious is based on and Wicked is the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz ~ so quite a diverse collection of reading for the next few months.

The book leaning up against the Tree of Life is a leather bound journal I bought for husband for Valentine's. He mentioned that he'd like to have one so he could jot down notes, ideas and plans for the coming year. How could I possibly resist such an opportunity? It is completely decadent and bound in Italian leather, embossed with a fleur d' lea (that's probably spelled wrong but I think you know what I mean). He also informed me that he intends to begin a vision board! In the 20 years we've been together, I can't think of another time that we've experienced such explosive joy and optimism for our future together. It feels pretty damn inspiring!

I don't think the coffee needs any explanation. We are coffee snobs. Enough said.

Those little ear buds are attached to a ... yes that's right, an iPod! I purchased the iPod for a sole reason ~ sleep music. I have such a difficult time settling down at night and this often leads to me getting overtired, and then I'm a bit of a disaster! The CD in the background is called sleepdeeply and is scientifically engineered with delta binaural beats, which entrains the brain to vibrate at about 2 beats per second, mimicking how the brain cycles during deep sleep. I tried it out last night. So far so good.

That beautiful bag is my new laptop snuggly! It is made by Dakine and so completely yummy I could just eat it! The inside is purple fleece. My VAIO told me again just this morning that she has a super crush on her new bag. ;)

Cream, cream and more cream! That tiny little jar is DMAE cream from Derma-E. If you've never used Derma-E products, check them out! They are one of my favorites for sure! The other bottles are organic based brands that I also love ~ alba shampoo and conditioner, Kiss my Face Citrus Lavender moisturizer (oh I wish you could smell it through the screen) and lastly Avalon Organics Lavender hand and body lotion.

I just wanted to share with you my shopping afterglow! What are your favorite things?

5 Elements

A lesson:

~WOOD, FIRE, EARTH, METAL, WATER ~

The theory of the five elements is an ancient philosophy used to describe the physical universe. These five elements have been an integral foundation for centuries in Chinese medicine to show a connectedness between the human body's physiology, pathology and the natural world. They are in constant change and movement with each other.

Wood feeds Fire

Fire create Earth (ash)

Earth bears Metal

Metal carries Water

Water nourishes Wood

Wood parts Earth (roots)

Earth absorbs Water

Water quenches Fire

Fire melts Metal

Metal chops Wood

Wood absorbs Water

Water rusts Metal

Metal breaks up Earth

Earth smothers Fire

Fire burns Wood.

*Wikipedia*

The Easy

Hanging at my sister's in the city for the week. Yesterday husband and I stole away for a few hours to roam the mall and ate at one of my fav restaurants. Got lost in Chapters and bought the next 3 books for book club. Husband decided while walking past a mens clothing store that at that moment he needed do some serious wardrobe upgrade. I found the whole thing to be quite hilarious and had to stifle my giggles through the antics of an overly flirtatious sales person. I guess it worked as he left with a leather jacket! OMG ~ who are you? I'm still smiling inside and out, so it was obviously worth it in the end.

Now, to drink lots of coffee at a very leisurely pace! Later I'll go walking with sis and the babies!

I really hope your day is as good as mine is starting out... but I can't imagine how! :)

Hanging with Ava (my niece)! Fun!

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet

and the winds long to play with your hair.

~ Kahil Gibran ~